


Sparrow (Revised)

by sugarplumsenpai



Series: Wings of Freedom [2]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon Compliant, Friendship, M/M, Post-Canon, Post-War, Romance, Slow Burn, Tea, canonverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-04
Updated: 2018-03-12
Packaged: 2018-12-23 23:24:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 115,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12000120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugarplumsenpai/pseuds/sugarplumsenpai
Summary: After the war has ended, Eren's life is finally good. He's seen the ocean, is back at HQ where he trains the new Scouts, and he has dinner with Levi every single night. So yes. Things are just as well.[Sequel to Nuthatch | can be read as stand-alone work]





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I already wrote this story before. When I started on it last fall, with the sudden image of Levi behind a counter, serving tea, in my mind, I did not expect this story to grow on me this much. It's my baby, my child, my heart. All was well; until this summer. Then KurahieiritrJIO contacted me and put the idea into my head to give this story a new boost: "Write that prequel that's been simmering in your head. Revise this draft. Make it awesome!" Thank you so much for nudging me! I can't tell you how happy I am to have done this. It's been such an amazing ride. I've learnt so much about writing; and we're not even done yet. 
> 
> I love what this story has become. Already loved it before, but love it even more so now. People who know the first edition will see that this revised version feels different. It has the same ground story, so no "big" surprises on that side. But is is more now. Deeper, more emotional, a bit darker too, but also warmer. More honest and powerful. It's definitely longer and has some of the POV switches and previously "missing" scenes that some of you were curious about. 
> 
> I so much hope you will have fun with this story. I'd be happy to hear your thoughts. <3  
> And now: Have fun with reading!
> 
> This fic has fan art now! For chapter 1 by the wonderful [artbyros](http://sugarplum-senpai.tumblr.com/post/165554811813/when-you-receive-a-fan-art-for-one-of-your-fics).  
> For chapter 10 [by myself](http://sugarplum-senpai.tumblr.com/post/155675816945/gazing-back-at-the-sky-eren-catches-sight-of-a).  
> For chapter 14 by the amazing [blauerozen](http://sugarplum-senpai.tumblr.com/post/167701442270/ive-been-wanting-to-share-this-with-you-for-so).  
> For chapter 16 by the lovely [glaucidiumpasserinum](http://glaucidiumpasserinum.tumblr.com/post/179521648918/winterchild-i-did-it-i-painted-a-fucking-fan-art).  
> For the verse by the sweet [sulkingmoon](http://sugarplum-senpai.tumblr.com/post/174726099525/the-wonderful-sulkingmoon-drew-me-this).

**First of December – A Cup of Tea**

Of all the places Eren has come to visit over the years, this café is one of his favourites.

He sits in front of a small, wooden table, the window front to his left, the simple, plain letters painted on it not really obscuring his view to the busy street outside.

 **woɿɿɒqƧ**  
**ɘɿoM & ɒɘT**

Of course tea is not the only thing this business runs on. Or what draws in the most customers. It's the coffee. The varieties of cake offered alongside the beverages only add to the popularity.

The café isn't spacious. Just big enough to provide a tranquil and almost homelike atmosphere. Seven small tables with two to three chairs each. A brass counter with four wooden bar stools. Two snug nooks with a pair of cosy, dark red corduroy seats each, and a small coffee table between them. A staff department in the back, including a tiny kitchen, and an additional storage compartment. A tiny bathroom. A door with a subsequent staircase leading up to a flat. Levi's flat.

According to Hanji who helped with the renovating and furnishing, the ground floor area was a vacant glazier when Levi moved in. It's almost hard to believe. The daily hustle and bustle plus the rich presence of polishing wax, coffee, and tea in the air has long become all Levi. At least to Eren.

Flowery scents rise from the cup before him. His eyes are drawn to the lazy patterns of steam that dissipate gently in the warm lamplight. As usual, Eren let Levi serve him whatever he deemed fit, and today's choice, Jasmine tea, is welcome and relaxing.

People pass by the window, hurrying through the frosty evening, their hands buried in pockets. Their noses nuzzled into scarfs. A cold snap has hit their community hard.

Every once in a while the door opens with a bright tinkle of a bell to let in, or dismiss, the last customers of the day. Each chime is accompanied by a gust of the icy wind that's blowing through the streets.

The world outside is dark already, tinted black apart from the spots of light by the street lanterns. It's closing time.

As with every evening, Eren lets his gaze wander over the emptying café. There are a couple of shelves laden with tea and supplies such as pots, sieves, sandglasses, thermometers, and sealed cans of coffee beans. The items are accompanied by drawings that decorate the walls, most of them impressions of this place. The exception is a frame on the wall behind the counter that shows a sunset over endless water. Three figures are standing on a small strip of sanded beach; one of them pointing at something far away.

Though Eren mocked Jean for sitting in the dunes with his sketchbook, instead of coming down to the water with them that day, every time he sees the picture now, he is glad for the recorded moment. He can't bring himself to miss the travelling, but sometimes he still hears the waves and the birds. Feels the salty wind and the soft, wet sand under his naked feet.

He wonders where Armin is now. They haven't heard from the Exploration Team since the beginning of their return trip three months ago.

Levi places a plate of food before him, interrupting Eren's thoughts. It's a piece of apple pie with a small heap of clotted cream.

Eren suppresses a dismissive sigh.

"Eat," Levi instructs whilst collecting the empty mugs and plates from a nearby table. He wipes the wooden surface and goes back behind the counter, completely ignoring Eren's exasperated scowl.

As always, the scowl fades with the first forkful of pastry. Buttery pie crust with sweet, cooked apples, cinnamon, and soft cream crumbles in Eren's mouth, soothes his growling stomach, and eases his fatigue. Now the sigh, a happy one this time, escapes his lips.

Taking another bite, he listens to the door of the shop being locked. The sign in its window is being flipped over from 'open' to 'closed', and the experienced movements of the end of a day fill the room. Tables get wiped, chairs are rearranged and put up, the floor is mopped, and ultimately the till opens with a ring as Levi counts the day's takings. Eren knows better than to offer his help. Instead he collects the last few crumbs of his cake with his index finger to savour their vitalising taste.

Soon he hears the telling sound of running water—hands being washed, the kettle being refilled—and Eren knows Levi has arrived at his own, private way of clocking off.

When he emerges from behind the counter to join Eren at the table, he has taken off his apron. It's like he's the old soldier again, although lacking the harness and tie. Running a café instead of his own Special Operation Squad hasn't changed Levi much. Despite his foot, he's still moving in the same old effortless manner. He still has the same, tired bruises under his eyes too. Yet there is an air of balance surrounding him these days that the war denied them all.

He puts his own cup of tea next to Eren's, and sits down, facing him. "You need to take better care of yourself. Don't they feed you in the Military anymore?"

"I wasn't that hungry," Eren grumbles to his defence, knowing what will come.

Sure enough, there's the lifted, sharp eyebrow directed at his crumb-free plate and then at him. Apart from that Levi lets it slide for now. He leans back in his chair, one leg resting on his other knee, the steam of his tea catching on his palm as he lifts the cup.

Taking a sip of his own tea, Eren welcomes the familiar stillness settling between them, like a blanket on the world. It's been like this ever since he began to frequent the Sparrow a year ago. Eren supposes there's a strange comfort in their unuttered routine. It reminds him of the better parts of their service together. Shared vigils, weapon maintenance, and evenings spent with chess or paperwork and a pot of tea. Years of fighting side by side welded them together. By the end of the war, Eren found himself spending more time with Levi than with Armin and Mikasa. They have become friends, and Eren cherishes their friendship more than his fifteen-year-old self could ever have imagined when they'd met.

On the other hand, his fifteen-year-old self could never have imagined a lot of things. Like being a Titan, for one. Or being assigned to Squad Levi right after Military Training. Or finding out how Levi's kisses taste like in a moment of downright stupidity. Followed by even more stupidity and a night Eren wishes to erase from his memory altogether. Not that it was a bad memory. Quite on the contrary. Nonetheless, Eren knows his impulsive behaviour nearly cost him Levi's friendship.

He frowns and drowns that final thought with his last bit of tea. If that night had been bad, it probably would be easier to forget. Fact is, no matter how good, he doesn't want to think about it. Not now, not ever. Still, the images keep on coming back to him in a constant stream, and he's learned to shove them right back into a faraway corner of his mind before they can do more harm.

"Dinner?" Levi asks rhetorically, oblivious to Eren's inner turmoil.

Eren nods. "Sure."

Taking his empty cup and Eren's plate with him, Levi disappears into the back room. Meanwhile Eren checks the table top for tidiness and arranges their chairs as he knows they should be, before following with his own, empty cup.

In the staff department Levi already has his hands deep in steamy, soapy dishwater. His forearm is covered with tiny crackling bubbles as he reaches for Eren's used cup to add it to the water. A faint smile ghosts over his eyes when Eren takes the tea towel from a nearby hook without having to be asked.

They work without words, dishes passing hands until the sink is empty and Levi wipes it dry.

"You checked the table?" Levi asks before opening the bottom stair door.

Endeared by the question, Eren grins. Levi's sense for order clearly hasn't abated one bit ever since he left the military. "I did."

"Let's go then."

As always when he enters Levi's flat, Eren is welcomed by the scent of soap and tea. He stealthily drags in a deep breath of the reassuring scent. The comforting effect sets in immediately. He seizes it, mentally wrapping it around himself while slipping out of his boots, coat, and military jacket. Despite his worry of maybe intruding with his constant presence, Eren has long given up on even trying to keep his feet from coming back every single night. No other place offers this deep feeling of ease, the same kind of refuge. It has always been this way with Levi. Nothing has changed that.

With unspoken understanding they meet in the kitchen. While Eren brews another pot of tea, Levi begins to prepare dinner. It's nothing fancy on workdays, mostly buttered bread and cheese, occasionally a soup. Sometimes potatoes. Every now and then, Levi is supplied with fresh game or cured ham from the local hunter Arne.

Today Levi mumbles something about spoiling eggs, and fetches the nearly empty mushroom basket, alongside some garlic, and herbs to make omelettes. Smiling, Eren reaches for the thyme to pick the leaves from the stems while Levi diligently brushes the mushrooms free of any remaining sand. Levi likes omelette. They both do, actually.

After eating they fetch the chessboard and move over into a pair of armchairs in front of the fireplace. The overstuffed leather-clad piece of furniture that Levi has wordlessly offered to Eren is the only piece of real luxury in this flat and if it weren't for Hanji Levi wouldn't have it in the first place. Gleefully pronouncing it as "'the old man chair," she gave it to him for his retirement, telling him to "rest his arse for once in his life."

In spite of the rather grumbled acceptance when he received it, Levi loves the chair. The obvious signs of usage alone, like the faintly shiny seat cushion, a certain familiar scent that mingles with the leather, the neatly folded blanket on its armrest, and its position right next to the hearth, are proof enough, and Eren agrees. The chair is a gift of cosiness, immediately moulding itself to the shape of whoever rests down in it. Sinking into the soft, comforting embrace, Eren snuggles into it, slipping into a half tailor seat with one foot tucked under his drawn in leg. He folds his hands and rests them on his knee, his chin on top, while Levi sits down in one of the same dark red corduroy seats like he has downstairs.

"I heard the Scouts will come back in a few days," Levi says after a few rounds, moving one of his knights over the chessboard on the coffee table between them.

With a rush of anticipation spreading through his veins, Eren straightens up in his seat. "They will?"

Levi nods. "Apparently they found another ocean."

"Another ocean?" Armin must be happy then. "I didn't know that yet."

"I know. That's why I'm telling you."

He's long given up on the question how Levi always knows. Admittedly, most of his customers are soldiers, or used to be soldiers at some point. Hanji visits whenever she can spare a few moments for her caffeine fix, but still. Eren spends his work hours at the Survey Corps base every day, apart from weekends, and mostly even then. If news has been going around, he should have heard them before Levi. Why hasn't Hanji told him at lunch?

"Hanji just got the message this afternoon," Levi explains, as if he could have read Eren's thoughts.

"Oh." He nods. "Are they…" Searching for words, he lets the rest of the question hang in the air, not really able to finish it. And he doesn't have to.

"They're all all right," Levi says. "A few cases of fever, a few more serious ones of sniffles, and one broken arm because some glorious fool climbed up a tree and fell down. Nothing worse."

Eren exhales, relieved, and then catches the hint of affection in Levi's insult. "Connie?" he asks.

"Connie," Levi confirms.

Eren snorts. Some things never seem to change. Too often has he seen Connie climb trees and struggle for balance. Sasha always finds it utterly ridiculous how he can handle his 3D manoeuvre gear perfectly, yet can not stand on a steady branch without wobbling.

Grinning at the memory of his friends, Eren shakes his head and reaches for his remaining bishop, hoping it will be a good move.

"No." Levi says, a moment before Eren's fingers have reached the figure.

"No?"

"No."

It's merely a suggestion, but Eren still glances up with a questioning frown before looking back at the chessboard to see what he missed.

He stops, checks his tactic, and moves a long-forgotten pawn.

"Better," Levi agrees.

"As in 'good'?" Eren asks with a careful smile.

Levi's lips curl slightly. "We'll see."

While Levi ponders over his next move, Eren leans back into the soft leather with his tea and observes him over his cup.

At some point during the evening, Levi has undone the top button of his shirt and rolled up his sleeves. His bottom lip is caught between his teeth, the faintest of frowns knits his eyebrows in concentration, and the warm glow of the fire conceals the slight greying of his hair completely. The difference is so small that even in bright sunlight Eren can hardly see it, but he knows it's there. A faint shift from pitch black to slightly shiny ebony. Not really silver, not even iron, but not quite as dark as it once was anymore either.

He looks so calm Eren can't help but seize some of it for himself.

When Levi leans over the chessboard again to make his move, there's a flicker of satisfaction in his eyes, and Eren has an uneasy sense of what's coming.

"Check."

Eren sighs. "Why do I keep on playing with you again?" he teases.

"Because you love it," Levi replies.

"Yeah, right."

Seemingly not irritated by the scoff, Levi smirks into his tea, and Eren chews on his lip as he tries to refocus on his prior strategy.

Perhaps, if he moves the other pawn, he maybe could turn this game around after all…

He gives himself a push and makes his leap of faith. They've always been the cause for his worst mistakes, but perhaps this time might be different.

* * *

Somehow, the dream always starts the same. It never starts in the forest. No.

It always starts in the fog.

Someone is screaming.

Eren knows the voice all too well. He has heard it sneering way too often to not know it, has heard it huff, and laugh, and snicker, and yell into his face too. The voice screams Armin's name, and Eren has to help. So he runs. He knows this isn't real. He also knows what will come next. It happens like this every time.

The world goes black for a moment, pain-free yet cold. Then, with a blink, the woods appear.

By now he's been here so often, he's stopped counting. He's been here often enough to know he won't wake up until he's seen every little bit of it.

The wood fills his lungs. Sun-heated soil, resin, and fir needles press in on him, make his blood go heavy, his throat tight.

His heart beats frantically against his ribs, and Levi is looking at him, demanding a choice. Friends are riding beside him, waiting for him to do something. He doesn't know what. He never knows what to do. Never knows what is right. He must be stupid.

Four scars on hands holding reins around him. He clutches his own reins, stubbornly looks ahead, and makes his decision. There is a short second of loud pangs, followed by cries of victory. In his dream, he doesn't cheer. He's scared. He knows what will come.

A terrifying howl. Titans. So many Titans.

Retreat. Sticking to the formation as trained so many times.

A Transformation. Four horrible, sickening cracks echoing through the woods. Four of his friends dead. Snapped, only to be thrown away like meaningless twigs. All because of him.

Rage. Pure rage seething within him. Quick movements, fighting, being trapped. Blackness.

Waking up in Levi's arms and looking at death before falling right back into blackness.

Waking up in his bed in the here and now, sweating all over. Heart racing, and fighting back the bile. No matter how long that specific day has been over, no matter how many years have passed since then, he guesses it will torment him until the end of time. He swallows too sweet saliva. Swallows again. The bile keeps on rising.

As he hurries to the bathroom to throw up, he can't fight back the thought that he deserves it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Second of December – A Fox**

On the following morning, one of Eren's Trainees crashes against a prop in the woods during their 3D manoeuvre gear drills. Even with the wind in his ears, Eren hears the loud 'thump!' followed by a full-throated groan from the others, and he changes his route towards the source of the noise, betting himself it's Harold.

It is Harold. Of course it is.

While the thirteen-year-old struggles up to his feet with slightly wobbly legs, Eren cleaves through the group of his friends who already have begun to surround their comrade with a multitude of gasps and cries of sympathy. It must be something new this time. After nearly a whole year with Harold's mishaps, the whole Trainee Corps usually keep a clear head during minor injuries. It's been Harold's second accident within three weeks. A new record.

"Let me through," Eren says with a puff of breath in the icy air, nudging some of them aside.

"Instructor Eren, Sir," Mia pipes from ahead, her face in a commiserating grimace. "It happened again," she adds unnecessarily. "It's bad."

Nodding, he gives her a little smile before concern takes over again. "Let me see, Harold."

Harold looks up, and although he manages to suppress an involuntary hiss, Eren grimaces too. Blood and other stuff are streaming out of Harold's nostrils that he reflexively tries to wipe away with his sleeve. As soon his hand comes close to his nose, though, he stops in his movement immediately.

"Everybody take a step back," Eren orders and though they do obey they only give him enough space to not step on his feet.

"It hurts when you touch it, doesn't it?" Eren asks, holding up Harold's chin to regard his nose from each side. It's crooked and already swollen. Harold will also have a nasty bruise on his left cheekbone for a while, but otherwise he should be all right.

"No," Harold protests with a positively muffled 'n'.

Eren should have known it was a stupid question to ask. "Do you have trouble breathing with it?" he redirects. "Like through heavy sniffles?"

Harold tries. Cringes. "Yes."

"Derek." Eren turns to a tall, bulky boy with black hair. He's one of the most skilled in this group.

"Yes, Sir," comes the direct answer.

"Fly back to where we left off earlier as quick as you can and fetch the first aid kit, please. Harold, I need you to breathe through your mouth and lean forward until he's back."

They both comply.

"Will he be all right, Instructor Eren?" asks Mia in her tiny voice that's filled with candid worry. She's blond and petite, and everything about her down to her big, blue eyes reminds Eren of Christa before she revealed her true identity.

"Yes," Eren assures. "He will. It's only broken."

"Cool!" booms her friend. "Will you break it again to straighten it, Sir?"

Biting down a grin, Eren nods and somehow finds his serious Instructor voice. "Yes, Rita, I will."

"Cool!" Rita enthuses again. Then she catches Eren's gaze, clears her throat, and shoots a contrite glance at Harold. "Oh, sorry. Sincere condolences, mate. You look like shit. Bloody awful I might say."

A couple of giggles burst out around them.

"It's okay," Harold mumbles, cautiously giggling as well. "I was stupid. Shouldn't have let myself get distracted."

Eren silently agrees as Derek already returns. He lands quietly on the soft forest floor next to them and hands over the first aid kit.

"Can you fix it?" Derek asks, his mouth set in a thin, worried line.

"Thank you, Derek," Eren says. "And yes."

Derek nods.

"Squirrels?" Mia asks Harold.

"No. Baby fox!" He beams, despite his misery.

As Eren squats down and sifts through the supplies for the right instruments, he can't help but grin at Harold's enthusiasm. With growing up in Mitras, and never seeing more than rats, cats, dogs, or an occasional bird during his childhood, means Scout Training for animal-loving Harold is like visiting a land out of a fairy tale. Or, Eren muses with a secretive smile, like putting Hanji into a room with experiment-willing Titans.

The whole unit remembers the day in early summer on which Harold found a wounded bat during condition training and carried it back to the barracks to nurse it healthy again. He even went out to collect insects, and named his patient Frank. Frank the Bat was the barrack's main attraction for a whole month until they set him free again.

Eren doesn't have the heart to tell Harold vet training might be the better choice for someone like him.

"I wish you could have seen it, Mia," he chatters on. "So fluffy! I bet its fur is all soft."

"It was? Aw, I wished I could have seen it too."

"Yeah, me too," Sara gushes somewhere behind Eren's right shoulder, followed by consentaneous mumbling.

These soldiers are to join the Exploration Squads in two years, Eren thinks, sighs, and suddenly feels old.

Not minding their audience—since Harold seems to be all right with it, there's no way of getting the others out of their way—Eren sanitises his hands.

"I'm going to adjust your nose now, Harold," he explains. "As Rita already mentioned that means I have to break it again. It won't be nice, but I need you to hold still, all right?"

Harold nods gravely. At Eren's back the others have become unfamiliarly quiet. Even Rita has stilled.

"On three, then. One, two,…"

It's over with a barely audible whimper, a sickening crack of bones, and another chorus of gasps and hisses that set off a new wave of excited chattering.

Eren hands Harold some absorbent gauze, telling him to wipe the blood and mucus off his face. Packing the instruments back into the medical kit, he decides it would be best to go back to the base so they can cool the injury. Just in case.

Fortunately it's Friday, which mostly means theory lessons for the Trainees in the afternoon, held by a veteran cartographer named Una. After their first expedition, she remained at HQ for map copying purposes and accepted to take over the cartography lessons in the Survey Corps' education program. Eren supposes, a weekend of rest from drill training will Harold's condition do good too.

While they walk, Harold occasionally nudges his nose with testing fingers and winces. Eren can't help but feel for the poor kid. He's even better at breaking his bones than Auruo was with biting his tongue. Swallowing at the unbidden memory, Eren frowns as his stomach begins to squeeze. The dream from this night still rests deep within his bones.

"Instructor Eren." Rita falls into step next to him and Eren shoves the thought away. He doesn't need to look at her to catch the commanding tone in her voice. There's an interrogation coming.

"What is it, Rita?" He smiles in curious anticipation.

"Aren't you a Titan Shifter?" she asks bluntly.

"Uh, yes, that's right." Although he doesn't really trumpet it out, he's never made a secret of it either. They all know anyway. It's been in the newspapers and in pamphlets ever since Stohess. Not only that. Rita has been curious about him right from the start. Levi says it's because she hero-worships him. Eren thinks it's because she simply can't help it.

She frowns at him. "But, don't you heal on your own, within no time at all?"

Startled by the question, Eren meets her inquiring glance. "Well, not exactly in no time at all, but yes, I do."

Scrunching her nose, Rita ducks under a low hanging branch in her way. "How do you know how to take care of broken noses and injuries then?"

"My friends and comrades aren't Titan Shifters," Eren explains. "Most of them, anyways. And my father was a doctor. He told me things when I was young." Also, he adds to himself, I broke a guy's nose once and was there when they adjusted it.

Rita certainly doesn't have to know about that though.

"Oh. Okay." She nods.

As they walk on, Eren is glad they wear their coats over their gear. At least the conifers, mostly spruces in this region, are protecting them from most of the wind, but it's chilly nevertheless. It doesn't affect Eren that much. His higher body temperature keeps him warm. Yet he knows the others must feel cold. He can tell by the flush of their noses and cheeks and by the way they hurry toward the promising warmth of HQ with pulled up shoulders and a quickening pace.

Harold is already beaming again, pointing at a buzzard that hovers up in the air. He says something to Mia, who nods.

"I thought maybe Captain Levi told you," Rita wonders out loud.

"Hm?" Eren asks.

"Captain Levi. You were in his Squad," she says, grinning. "I know all about it."

"Do you?" He grins back, guessing, she probably does. Rita is one of his favourite Trainees, but that doesn't keep her from being a nosy pain every now and then.

Her face lights up even more at his question. "Yes. I bet he can deal with war wounds really well. He is the best soldier ever."

"I suppose he is." Eren smiles to himself. Levi hasn't worn a harness for roughly two years, but Eren supposes he still could kick all of their arses, bad foot or not.

"Why don't you live together?" Rita asks.

Baffled, Eren nearly stumbles over his feet. Trying to keep up his pace, he stares at her as a sudden, familiar heat rises up his chest. He wonders how much she knows. And where exactly does this question come from anyway?

Ignoring the prickling in his neck, as well as his sweating hands, Eren clears his throat. The sweet resin of the wood around them feels like venom in his lungs all of the sudden. "Why should we?"

"Just asking," Rita says, shrugging. "I know you visit him every evening." And after a while: "Does it hurt? Your healing, I mean?"

Shaking his head, Eren finds an answer. "No, it just steams while everything grows back. The injuries do, though. Just like yours." He frowns. "I guess."

Rita chews on her lip with a rare frown. "Did you get injured often during the war?"

"Yes, actually." He doesn't even want to begin counting, so he doesn't.

"Really?" Her eyes are wide as she looks up at him.

"Yeah. Lost my arms and legs a couple of times," Eren answers, rubbing the back of his neck with a grimace.

"That sucks." She makes a face. "I mean, it's cool and everything. But it still sucks. It must have hurt a lot."

"Sometimes," Eren admits, swallowing the lump in his throat.

"Well, I'm glad you're still here," she says.

Not trusting his voice he shoots Rita a grin.

She grins back, boxes his arm, salutes, and hurries off to walk with Mia and Harold.

* * *

By lunchtime, Harold has stopped curiously poking at his sore nose. The bruises under his eyes are already blackened and, unsurprisingly, he and the baby fox story are the toast of HQ.

As Eren passes the mess hall on his way to Hanji's office to ask for some paperwork, he can see his entire Trainee Corps fussing over Harold. Mia is even giving him her soup in exchange for his bread so he wouldn't have to chew too much.

For a moment, Eren asks himself if the 104th Training Corps was the same.

"Harold having one of his famous moments again?" Mikasa asks, thrusting a filled tray into Eren's hands without further comment.

"Really, Mikasa?"

"Yes. Really," she insists. "And you will sit down with me so I can make sure you finish it."

Eren sighs in defeat, following her as she fetches her own portion of lunch.

"What was it this time?" she asks. "Rabbits?"

"Baby fox, apparently."

She glances over at the Trainees. "He didn't bring it here, did he?"

"Nope, no second Frank," Eren grumbles, scowling at his bowl of soup. He really wants to tend to his afternoon duties, but he knows better than to contradict Mikasa now. He'd never hear the end of it.

They sit down at a table with two adjacent chairs and begin to eat.

"Armin's coming home this week," she says between spoons of soup.

"I heard," Eren says. "I also heard Connie fell off a tree."

"It had to happen eventually. Do you know for how long they will stay?"

"No, but I guess not longer than the last time."

Loud noises come from the table across the hall and Eren looks up just in time to see Rita do a pantomime act of Harold's stunt. She simulates to crash against a solid surface, staggers back with squinting eyes and tumbles to the floor before standing again with a grin. Her performance gets appreciated with a lot of groaning and laughing while Harold's back is getting smacked. Harold himself is laughing so hard he nearly falls off his chair. Rita bows and hugs him.

"Will you rejoin them when they'll leave again?" Mikasa asks, mopping up some of her soup with a piece of bread.

"Huh?"

"Armin," she clarifies.

Irritated, Eren frowns. "No."

Mikasa eyes him curiously, but then nods. "Then I'm staying too. You're going to see Levi again today?"

He rolls his eyes. Mikasa is always asking, and his answer is always the same. "Yes."

Nodding again, she continues with her soup and doesn't protest when he stands up and leaves. On his way to Hanji's office, Eren thinks about her other question. As strange as it's been at first to know Armin is far away, Eren doesn't want to leave. He tried it. He even thought he dreamed about it at some point. But exploring, as things should turn out, never was his solution for the world after the war.

Travelling all the time, making stop every few days to make camp and measure the landscape, to draw maps in endless hours of accuracy was exasperating. If Eren is honest, it was all rather dull. It wasn't what he was looking for. Not what he wants to do for the rest of his life. The walls are open now, and that's all he's ever truly wanted. Not being pent-up by principle, yet free to go wherever he wants to if he wants to. Even if that means staying right where he is.

He's had his share of adventures. The war was definitely enough excitement for a whole lifetime. Going away to leave everything behind afterwards had simply been too tempting at that time. Too much was on his mind, too many bad memories, too many things that reminded him of nothing but pain.

That one night stand, though so many weeks and months ago, haunted him. It unsettled him to no extent, made him itchy and petulant up to the point he snapped at everyone. Every time he saw Levi, Eren was reminded of his own mistake, of his inexperience, of his inaptness to make things right again between them. He saw Levi's regret, noticed his hesitance in approaching Eren at all after that night. It made Eren sick of himself.

The countless celebrations of victory were the last straw to push him out into the unknown. The open joy of the citizens, though understandable, only made him furious and remember their losses. The streets were scattered with flowers for days. People were partying everywhere, and whenever he left the base, he found himself celebrated as a hero. It felt like dancing on the dead' graves.

Levi tried to give them all enough outlets with continuing their training before he retired. Still, it wasn't enough. Eren could feel Levi's gazes in his back, saw his hurt that only spurred on Eren's self-disgust. He realised he'd destroyed everything that night and nothing he could do would ever manage to mend what his recklessness had broken.

In the end, Eren simply wanted to get some distance and give it to Levi in return. He wanted, needed, to leave. So he had.

It gave him time to think, and going so far beyond the walls was an exciting thing at first. Finally seeing the ocean with Armin, and standing on that beach together, was worth it too. Yet after that, the whole exploring and adventuring lost its appeal. The inarguable imbalance he'd wanted to cast out remained. In the end everything inside of him had pulled him home. To any home in fact. He missed Levi, more than Eren had ever thought he would.

Then they came back, and Eren not only learned about Levi and the Sparrow, but also that the structures inside the military had shifted, if not completely changed. The Survey Corps was about to open a new division for young teenagers that were supposed to become the new Scouts after three years of training. It was the perfect opportunity, the perfect reason to stay. So Eren went straight to Hanji and asked her to remain at HQ as an Instructor. Ever since, working as a Trainer has become his new fulfilment. It is good now.

Things are fine. The pain about his mistakes and his confusion has never faded completely. Yet they have numbed enough to keep him here for good. He doesn't want to be anywhere else.

As for his anxieties and his dreams? Well. He just has to learn how to live with them.

* * *

The subliminal irritation that has been accompanying Eren since he woke up from the woods that morning, is barely held in check as the afternoon passes. The additional work he asked Hanji for after lunch helps. Yet by the time he leaves HQ at quarter past six sharp, the unease has reared up again. Quickening his steps, he hurries through the dark streets, impatient for the promising comfort of the Sparrow.

When he enters the café, relief is immediate, and after shooting a smile at Levi, Eren heads towards his usual seat. Somehow, he suddenly wonders with a curious frown, why this table always seems to be unoccupied during this time of the day, and yet it provides such a nice view.

The thought gets pushed away as Levi approaches him, carrying a plate with cinnamon roll alongside a tea cup with Darjeeling. As he notices the pastry, Eren's stomach gives an approving growl, which is answered by a twitch of Levi's lips.

"No lunch today?" he asks with a scolding note in his voice.

"I had lunch, but these are too good." Eagerly reaching for the bun, Eren takes a generous bite. As always, the sugary-scented combination of cinnamon and cardamom explodes on his tongue, eliciting a pleased sigh. "Thanks," he mumbles through the mouthful of dough and spices, closing his eyes at the pleasant flavour as Levi turns around.

Eren's eyes snap open again when the door opens to a familiar voice which makes his eyebrows furrow in a glowering scowl. It's Valentin. The son of the corner shopkeepers down the street.

"Hullo Captain Levi." The black haired man marches up to Levi, plopping his bag onto the countertop. Eren can't see it, but he knows Valentin is smiling. He always is. "How are you this evening?" he asks blithely.

Just subdued irritation flaring up yet again, Eren bites on his lip while he forces himself to school his features back into a bland mask.

"I'm fine, Valentin," Levi replies. "What are you bringing me today?"

Eren doesn't know why, but his stomach instantly twists into an unpleasant knot. Of all the regular customers and suppliers Levi has at the Sparrow, this one is the most vexing. Maybe it's all the chattering. Valentin loves to talk, and he's always so disturbingly happy. Eren knows he's being ridiculous, but Valentin—"friends call me Val!"—always sets his teeth on edge with his presence.

As if to prove Eren's point, Valentin starts unpacking his bag and begins with today's speech. "Mum sends potatoes, onions, some root vegetables, storage apples, and the last black trumpets of the year. There's some beef goulash and bacon from Uncle Svend too. Mum included a recipe for a quick ragout she thought you might like. She makes apple gratin to that with cream. You should give it a try. It's delicious."

"Thanks. How much do I owe you?" Levi asks.

Watching them from his place at the window, Eren hears the subtle, borderline affectionate layer in his voice. It's a tone Eren learned to interpret as Levi having a fit of mild exasperation with either Eren himself or with Hanji's latest shenanigans. A tone reserved for closest friends.

"Here are the bills, and the recipe," Valentin answers, placing a couple of papers on the counter before unpacking the last of his wares. "Oh, and Viktor wanted me to give you a new liniment to try."

Eren doesn't need to hear the instantly following irksome sigh to know Levi is annoyed and won't accept the latter. He doesn't like people making a fuss about him, and concerning his health, he is exceptionally prickly.

"How come they all send you to deliver this stuff?" Levi demands.

"They know you can't resist my charm?" Valentin suggests with a carefree shrug.

Eren grinds his teeth.

Levi grunts. "Everyone needs to stop fussing over me. Bad enough they insist on making sure you're here once every week bringing me food." He pushes the medicine back into Valentin's hands. "Give it to Katinka. With her hip she needs it more than I do."

"Will do." Valentin's tone is somewhat commiserating. "You can't change people's minds when they're set though, Captain. Besides, you don't have much time to go shopping, and I don't mind making the trip over here. It's hard living alone and running a business at the same time."

Levi's eyebrows twitch, the left eyelid lifted higher than his right, while he reaches for the sack of potatoes and vegetables. Eren can almost taste the underlying 'I can't believe I don't actually want to strangle you right now,' emotion, yet Valentin doesn't seem to be perturbed at all. Which only makes it worse somehow.

It's now that Valentin decides to turn around. He sees Eren and smiles so widely and genuinely Eren has a hard time not to grin back.

"Eren, you're here already," he cheers. "How good to see you!" He strolls closer, the empty bag hanging casually over his shoulder, as he puts a small flask into his coat's pocket.

Forcing himself to look right back at the freckled smile, Eren nods with reserved politeness. "Hello Val." He's called him Valentin once. Only once. He received such a pitiable look for it, he can't help but concede just a bit. It felt like kicking a puppy.

"How is my favourite cousin doing?" Val asks with a twinkle in his dark eyes. "I hope she isn't giving you a hard time."

In moments like this, his resemblance to Rita is remarkable and Eren wonders for the umpteenth time, what Val has done to irritate him this much.

"She's doing fine," Eren answers.

Chest visibly swelling with pride, Val grins. "Good to hear. She just visited us last weekend and said you're her favourite Instructor ever. The only one who she'd love to have more would be Captain Levi, I guess."

He knows it to be true, yet Eren can't help a derisive scowl at the praise. "Yeah, not that I'm the only one she has, Una aside."

"Yeah, I heard," Valentin relents. "Rita doesn't like maps much though. Says they're boring."

To anyone else, Eren would probably admit that they, in fact, are boring. But Levi behind the counter looks at the papers Val brought over, huffs a short chuckle, and something inside Eren's chest snaps. "Yeah, well, she has to learn that too if she wants to become a Scout."

Instead of backing off, Val merely nods with a serious expression. "Yes, that's what I told her. She knows it too, but you can't help what you like, I suppose."

"I guess not," Eren concedes, now ashamed by his outburst.

Val smiles again, noticing Eren's half-eaten cinnamon roll and his contrite frown. "Oh, sorry, you're eating. I didn't want to disturb you. Norman's stuff is the best, isn't it?"

"It is," Eren agrees, and Val laughs.

"Well, I'll leave you two alone, then. Have a nice evening." He waves at Eren, who only nods back, and leaves with a cheerful "goodbye!" to Levi alongside a bright chime of the doorbell.

Frowning once more, Eren tends back to his food and accompanying tea. He really needs to start getting his temper under control. He doesn't want to endanger Levi's business with his sudden mood swings. Furthermore, logic tells him Val probably doesn't deserve his irate attitude.

At least the sugar and spices help to assuage Eren's nerves eventually. After receiving a refill of his Darjeeling from an apprehensive looking Levi, Eren watches the hypnotising steam rise from his cup. There's something about looking into cups of tea, that always seems to set everything right in the world, and it doesn't fail in its effect on Eren now.

"Rough day?" Levi asks when he joins Eren with his tea half an hour later, the café ready for the next day.

"Harold broke his record today," Eren says. Upon Levi's inquiring glance, he smiles. "Baby fox."

Levi's lips twitch in a brief half smile. His eyes, however, are shadowed with worry, and a frown is knitting his brow. "How bad is it this time?"

"He crashed into a redwood and broke his nose," Eren answers, sympathy rushing through his blood again.

"You straightened it right away?" Levi asks.

"I did," Eren affirms, thinking back to Harold's resolute expression. "He handled it quite well."

"Good." The frown on Levi's brow eases slightly, if not completely.

Eren wishes, he knew why Levi has these lingering flashes of worry from time to time, so he could make them go away. "Rita found it cool, of course," Eren offers, hoping it might help.

Levi snorts, and his eyes soften with a fond glint. "Pantomime act?"

"You know it." Eren grins, beginning to relax. Then Rita's questions from this morning come to his mind, setting his nerves on fire. He chews on his lip.

It's been a while since someone last asked him if he and Levi would live together. The first one was Hanji, right after the return from the expedition when she asked Eren whether he needed his own quarters or not. Alongside with it came a whole range of other questions that for a moment had Eren suspect Levi told her everything that happened, until Hanji pouted and complained about no one telling her anything. Eren had been agitated for a week, until she suddenly stopped asking questions for whatever reason.

Some soldiers made jokes about it until they met his glare, and some civilians have been positively curious as well. Rita herself has been asking Eren multiple questions concerning this subject throughout the last twelve months, but no one has ever actually asked him why before.

The answer is simple, of course: Because. Because they aren't a couple. Because it isn't like this between them. Because…simply because!

Levi looks tired today, Eren notices. The bruises under his eyes are two too dark smudges that shouldn't be there, looking almost as bad as Harold's. He probably didn't get any sleep last night again. Eren wonders if Levi's foot is hurting, if not bad enough for him to hobble even slightly. Or maybe he had nightmares again too.

"Not good." The words slip out of his mouth before Eren can hold them back. "Harold's broken nose, I mean," he adds quickly at Levi's questioning glance. "I forgot how nasty it looks."

A small smirk appears on Levi's face. "Freezing snot?"

Eren gives a half-hearted snort. "Yeah, that too."

"Mm." Levi takes a sip of his tea. Going by the vibrant green colour, it's a sencha today. "Good thing it happened on a Friday. He can get some rest at least."

"That's what I thought," Eren agrees, taking a sip of his own tea. The remains of his Darjeeling are lukewarm by now, yet still taste delicious. It was the perfect choice for the cinnamon roll too. Tea was definitely amongst the things he missed most on the road. Tea with Levi.

"How was your day?" Eren asks, putting the half-emptied cup back onto its saucer.

"Not bad," Levi answers. His voice is calm and his fingers rest lightly on the rim of his cup, telling Eren, it actually was a rather good day. A strand of his fringe falls over his grey eyes.

"Good," Eren says, averting his eyes to the street lamp lit street as they fall into easy silence.

"Dinner?" Levi asks, once finished with his tea.

Nodding, Eren collects their dishes. "Yes."


	3. Chapter 3

**Third of December – A Heap of Straw**

Saturday comes in tones of grey, grey, and grey.

Over night a fog bank crept over the city to muffle every impression of lively activity to a quiet, ponderous scenery. Absorbed in thought, and still a bit drowsy from sleep, Eren makes himself a cup of tea as he listens to the hushed sounds of the morning with a frown on his face. The whiteness on the other side of the window, he disregards with gritted teeth. The treacherous prickle is back in Eren's neck, mingling with a familiar helplessness lodging somewhere in the back of his throat. It makes his breath quicken and his heartbeat race with a wrenching twist, but he won't let it affect himself. He won't.

Still, the tin caddie is so cool in his hands it sends a small shiver through him, and even here, inside his own place, everything seems a bit far away and muted.

With a whistling of the kettle, the water comes to a boil, and turning off the stove, Eren pours it into his small tea pot. The rising steam warms him instantly, promising comfort on this still and chilly day, but the heat doesn't want to make it all the way to his bones.

His ritualistic weekend breakfast of tea and toast with honey in his own quarters helps to calm his nerves. At least it lifts him fully into awareness as his thoughts drift. Old memories waylay him of another day in the midst of the fog. Sometimes Eren muses if their presence is actually enhanced by the obscuring haze, or if it's all in his head.

Huge, crushing hands emerging from the all-surrounding white, jerking two of their comrades out of their saddles, followed by the Titan's themselves emerging from the fog. Cries of panicked horses. The fear of accidentally attacking a friend in the cold blindness.

For a moment Eren wonders about Armin. About how far the Exploration Team is from HQ. Whether he is witnessing this thick mist as well, thinking about the same day as Eren.

He shudders and attacks his toast, crunching it with as much zeal as he can muster.

"You're an idiot," he scolds himself, not minding his soliloquy. He is alone and can be as silly as he likes without being judged.

The self-imposed insult brings Eren back to the present at least. He eagerly finishes his breakfast and hurries out of his apartment on his search for a task. Any task. It's weekend, sure, but it's the military. There's always something to do. Repairing stuff, or paperwork. Gear maintenance. Eren isn't picky.

When he knocks at Hanji's office she bids him in almost instantly.

"Ah, hello, Eren. I've been wondering when you would show up." Sitting at her overloaded desk with ruffled hair, and reddened eyes, Hanji looks like she hasn't slept at all this night. She makes a gesture towards a seat in front of her desk, the only thing in this room that's not cluttered, or broken, or both.

The corners of her mouth are smudged with something dark, and Eren supposes she's already been at Levi's for her morning coffee plus breakfast. "What can I do for you?" she asks.

"Anything you have," Eren says, sitting down.

A frown appears on her brow. "Didn't I give you a whole load of headache-worthy paperwork just yesterday?"

Hands clenching into fists, he nods. "Yes. It's all finished." During nights following his nightmares, sleep always seems an unappealing concept.

She rests her arms on her desk and folds her hands on the tabletop. "What about getting a bit of a rest, Eren? When was the last time you took a weekend off work, or went to bed at a reasonable hour?"

Gritting his teeth, he scowls out of the window in her back where the fog is so thick now that all he can see is white.

Hanji sighs and nods. "All right. But no work tomorrow and the other weekends this month. You hear me? Levi would kill me, though he's the one to talk."

Relief seeps through Eren's veins. The deal is not entirely what he hoped for, but he'll take it. Anything to keep him occupied today. He exhales and realises with a startled blink his eyes must have been flaring. "Thank you, Hanji."

"Don't thank me yet," she says. "There's a stable to muck for the return of the Exploration Squads. Lots of horse poop in there. I was going to make some of the Trainees do it. They could easily do some extra work for their detention."

A whole day of labour sounds absolutely wonderful, and Eren gives her a thankful smile. "No, that's okay. I'll do it."

Sharp, brown eyes regard him through Hanji's glasses. "This weather makes us all restless, even after all this time, huh? It's strange, really. We've been in so many battles, most of them much worse than this, and yet every time the mist comes, we hear the screams."

Resisting the urge to drop his eyes at the hands in his lap, he swallows. The battle is only a small part of what's hunting Eren's thoughts, though he's been trying to forget and ignore what happened that day altogether. Normally he can shut it out rather well, but today something is different. Maybe it's been his talk with Rita. Maybe it's his tiredness. Maybe it's because today the mist is just as thick as it was back then.

"When will they come home?" he asks, decisively changing the subject.

She lets him go through with it. "Tomorrow."

Eren heaves a grateful sigh. "That's good." Nodding, more to himself than to Hanji, he stands up. "Thank you."

He's already at the door when she speaks again, her hands fiddling with her pen. "Eren."

"Yeah?" He turns around.

Her eyes are mild and yet seem to look right through him. "It will be all right."

He summons a smile and leaves, looking forward to a day filled with sweat and blissful distraction.

* * *

In defiance of all his hopes, cleaning the stables doesn't help.

As much as Eren throws himself into his task, the work is just enough to keep his hands busy, yet his head remains free enough to wander off to somewhere else. When Mikasa finds him around lunchtime to drag his reluctant arse to eat his portion of food, whether he wants to or not, Eren is already caught in a deep spiral of guilt and irritation.

Aware he is being observed, he horks down today's flavourless stew whilst answering Mikasa's questions as monosyllabic as possible. "Yes," he's fine. "Yes," Armin will be here tomorrow, he's heard. "No," he really is fine and nothing is wrong. "Yes," he'll go to Levi's tonight.

Back in the stables, Eren hurls himself back into getting everything ready. The old straw is all gone now, and he's stocking up the boxes with fresh supplies. He adds hay and, just because he wants to, a bundle of carrots. The horses deserve some rewarding luxury too for being away for all that time.

Wiping his fringe out of his sticky face that is cold and wet with sweat, Eren listens to his heavy breaths and movements. The mist is still laying heavy on the headquarter. It seeps through the open doors of the stables, creeps into his bones, making his throat tight, his skin prickly. A crow outside screams, and before he knows it, the memories crash over him.

An ambush in the fog during what was supposed to be a simple Survey mission. Sudden yells and orders calling for combat. The scent of blood, steam, adrenaline, and death. Rage is running through Eren's veins over being so unprepared for loss all the time, for always failing to prevent it. Again. And again, and again. The battle is short and cruel, the progression back to the headquarter quiet.

As they box up their horses, something on Levi's face and in the way his shoulders are drawn up makes Eren's fury dissipate. He doesn't even hesitate to accompany Levi to his rooms.

Wordlessly Levi makes them a pot of tea with slightly shaking hands. Eren accepts his cup, and drinks with him, even though he isn't in the mood for it. He wants to help but doesn't know how. All Eren does know is it will be fruitless to push it.

So he waits.

They don't say anything that afternoon, watch the sky first glow, then bleed, and darken. Eventually, Eren decides it would be obtrusive to stay any longer, so he moves to leave. Levi follows him to the door. Eren turns around so say goodbye, but in a sudden flash of instinct at the sight of Levi's pallid face, Eren hugs him tight. He doesn't care he probably shouldn't do this, or that this might be completely inappropriate. All he knows is he has to do something, anything, and that strong arms wrap around his waist to hold him just as tight, telling him more than he actually needs to know.

He doesn't care when minutes pass and neither of them has moved. He doesn't care when they do move, and he also doesn't care who bends down, or stretches first.

There are lips brushing over his, hesitantly at first as if in a question. But then, when he pushes forward, their kiss gets real, more demanding and deeper. So very, very much deeper and breathy. Hot and wet and so fucking good. Soon Levi's kisses wander further, over Eren's neck, his throat, his shoulders, his chest, and everywhere as two pairs of hands and arms struggle to get rid of their clothes. Straps, dirty shirts, and blood-stained trousers until it's all tangled in a huddle on the floor. Finally, there's naked skin against naked skin in a sensation of heated rush and comfort and trust. Eren lets himself get caught by that maelstrom of sudden, flaring desire, flavoured by the scent of man and lust, the feeling of losing himself in a protective embrace and grey eyes, in being freed of everything else, even if only for one moment.

He remembers being loud and ravenous, begging for things he'd never thought he'd ever say out loud, selfishly reduced to the need to touch, and be touched, to be taken. He remembers Levi's struggle against him, with him.

He also remembers the terrifying realisation that came to him afterwards. The shame. The anxiety to have messed up even more than normal. The sudden flare of guilt of being undeserving. The instantly following panic to screw this up even more than he already has. His hasty, stumbling flight when Levi takes a shower, and hiding in his own, cold bed. His irrational fear he'd be thrown out of Squad Levi. His confusion. His questions.

The denial.

Moving the pitchfork like a madman in the mist-flooded stables, Eren fights his demons.

They've never talked about that night, never so much as uttered a word about it. They looked at each other the next morning, and tried to carry on like before.

He hadn't thought about Levi like that before that night. Afterwards, Eren has spent the good part of the last couple of years fighting to forget his mistake, telling himself nothing happened. It did happen, though, and much as he can give his best to control his thoughts during the day, the memories keep coming back at night. They come back in flashes of smiles and slender, pale fingers holding a cup. Of firelight catching on a jaw in a certain way, a strand of black hair falling over grey eyes, opened top buttons, and rolled-up sleeves. They make him feel hot with guilt when he awakes.

Pinching the bridge of his nose to keep his eyes from stinging, Eren takes a deep breath of hay, horse, and leather that steams in the cool air when he exhales again. As terrifying as the thought of that one time having been an act of mere desperation may be, at least he has the assurance he hasn't been longing for this ever since. He refuses to do so.

It's Levi.

Levi.

They are friends.

He's still telling himself this when he enters the Sparrow that evening, freshly showered and scrubbed from head to toes. The stables are shipshape and ready, yet despite all his efforts to exhaust himself, he's no less confused than he has been two years ago.

Levi seems all right. Like always, actually. He looks at Eren suspiciously though, and brings him a piece of baked goods again without further ado. It's a slice of marble cake this time. Delicious, sweet, and with a rich chocolate coating.

Sitting in his favourite spot, Eren sighs in defeat, wondering why all the Ackermans in the world—or his world at least—seem to have ganged up on feeding him like a child. He's in his twenties after all. He can take care of himself, thank you very much.

"Mucking the stables, huh?" Levi says when he joins him, apron gone, top button open, tea in his hand, eyebrow raised.

Feeling lost in his chair, Eren shrugs. He doesn't even know where to look. "Just having a rough day, I suppose."

Levi nods, tapping his index finger against his cup once. Twice. And after a while: "Are you up for dinner then?" Grey eyes are observing Eren and, as always, the following calmness as he looks back is immediate.

"Yeah." He forces a smile and when he hears his own weak voice, he clears his throat and goes again. "Yeah, I'm up for it."


	4. Levi, Part 1

Levi doesn't know why on certain mornings the memories are stronger than on others. All he does know is that while most of the time they are merely a quiet buzzing noise in the background of his routine, sometimes they seem to be so near it feels like being back there again. Back at that day.

By now he’s used to waking up to the ghost of a warm and firm embrace, a beating heart against his own, so powerful and alive. A pair of protective arms will hold him tight, so tight as if they were all that held him together. As if they'd never wanted to let go again. Sometimes, mostly, the memories stop right there. Those are the good days.

On bad days…

On bad days, he’d blink open his eyes to the persisting echo of what followed. Stormy, hungry kisses, deep, so deep and breathless whispers into his mouth that beg him to continue. Kind hands going wild, desperately tearing off their dirty clothes, touching him, caressing him, exploring him, pulling him near, nearer, close, so wonderfully close. Skin against skin and further, deep-deep-deeper, slippery and greedy.

On bad days, he’d leave his bed to the image of flashing green eyes and the renewed sensation of falling into them, as if it was everything he ever wanted, all he ever needed. As if it was all Eren ever needed as well.

On bad days, Levi showers even quicker than usual, because he can't stand the reverberating sound of a door clicking carefully into its lock through the spray of scalding water, leaving him with so many questions and no answers. With no clue where exactly it all went wrong—at his initial kiss that started everything, or at his roughness that he can’t change. All that remains is the emptiness of the bitingly cold room and the all-consuming helplessness in his guts.

On the really bad days, however, the memories are so strong they seem like a roaring beast in his chest. Like some part of him is clawing at his insides, wanting to crawl out of his throat but being stuck there, making Levi feel sick.

Really bad days are always covered in mist.

When Levi woke this morning, he didn’t have to check the view on the other side of his windows to know it was there, fogging his mind as well as the town outside. By now he can almost smell it. He can definitely feel it, a distinctive heaviness in his limbs combined with a prickle in his neck. It is as if it would call out to him, whispering reminders of blood and loss.

Taking refuge in habit, Levi goes through his early morning-routine, determined to ignore the persistent taste of Eren in his lungs that no amount of tea or time is able to wash away. The can with the Gunpowder nearly slips out of his fingers as he gets it down the shelf. Levi hisses a voiceless curse. Dragging in a deep, unsteady breath to collect himself, he presses his lips together, puts the Gunpowder back, and fastens his grip around the jasmine caddie instead, holding on tight.

Isabel liked jasmine tea too.

Farlan always teased tea was for little girls and drank it anyway.

Eren…

…lives only a few minutes away, Levi chides himself.

He hurries through his matutinal bathroom ritual as quickly as he can, forces down a flavourless breakfast, and opens the Sparrow to Hanji already waiting at the doorstep with the baker’s son Frey. Hanji’s eyes are apprehensive again, yet droopy, and red-rimmed as Levi fumbles with the door lock. The mist affects them all.

“Wow, Levi, you look like shit,” she croaks as he lets her in alongside a chilly gust of December gloom.

“Look who’s talking. Did you get any sleep at all, four-eyes?” He thanks Frey for the delivery, and puts everything on the counter.

Dragging herself to one of the barstools, Hanji gives a small shake of her head. “Nope. Forgot.” She rubs her eyes.

Snorting a brief hum, Levi fetches his apron and starts on the coffee plus another cup of tea for himself. The china is cold under his fingers as he sets it out on the brass counter before him, seems too fragile against the scenery outside. When the water begins to boil, the whistle of the kettle is weak and almost distant.  

Hanji lunges for her coffee to toss it into her throat. Levi doesn’t even need her to ask him for a second round. He only waits until the mug is set down onto the counter to refill it.

“Thanks.” Hanji yawns, rubbing her eyes. “How long did Eren stay last night?”

Savouring the first, assuaging sip of his second cup of jasmine tea, Levi frowns. “How do you know he’s been here?” His words come out quick and hasty. He clenches his teeth as he forces his face into a calm mask.

Blinking eyes meet his, slightly out of focus, yet sharp, and all of Levi’s hopes Hanji might have missed his shallow breathing go to hell. “Don’t give me that, Levi, okay?”

Hot steam rises under his cool palm, and he puts his cup back down onto its saucer with a clanking rattle. “Midnight, I guess. Maybe eleven. Didn’t check the watch.”

“Any news?” she asks.

“No.”

Resting her elbow on the counter to support her head, Hanji blinks against heavy eyelids. “Maybe you cou–”

“Drink your fucking coffee,” he cuts her off.

She sighs, and they regard the gloom outside in dismal quietness. As soon as Hanji has finished her second fill of coffee, she begins to assault her morning bagel with an unruly amount of crumbs scattering to the floor. Alarmed by her silence that speaks enough of her tiredness, Levi adds a piece of invigorating nut cake to her bill.

“You forgot to eat yesterday too,” he states as he hands the plate over. At Hanji’s irritated gaze, something inside of him tears. Thin, she is too thin. “Do you want to starve yourself?” Levi snaps. “Is that it?”

She winces but otherwise doesn’t budge. Instead, Hanji faces his glare, brown eyes clearer than before, voice firm. “It wasn’t intentional, Levi.”

He knows it wasn’t. However, today is already shit, and apparently, his gab decides to make it even worse, against his permission. His heart hammers against his throat, pushing out words Levi doesn’t want to say. “I won’t watch you rot. Do you think it’s a new experiment to try? It’s not. It’s ugly and it stinks, just like lacking hygiene. Take a fucking grip! Moblit wouldn’t want—”

“Stop right there.” Her words are quiet but full of command.

They stare at each other, Levi panting, Hanji with that glare that even had Pastor Nick caving. Levi half-expects Hanji to add something to her order. To tell him off once more, or to rip off her glasses and strangle him over his own counter. He’d deserve it. Moblit is off-limits for debate until Hanji says otherwise. They also both know Levi won’t let Hanji starve and if it’d cost him everything he has.

In the end, Hanji only takes a defeated breath and reaches for her plate. “Thank you for the food.”

Frowning in a silent apology, Levi refills her mug. He execrates himself and his instinct that always makes him talk most when he should shut the fuck up.

Hanji inhales the cake within seconds before standing up and tossing back her third dose of caffeine. “I’ll report back in later?” she says.  

“Hm.” He wants to say sorry, but where to even begin? He doesn’t have to think about that, apparently, as she stands.

Wrapping her scarf around herself, Hanji assumes a resolute frown. “I’ll shower today.”

Biting on the inside of his mouth, Levi sniffs and gives her a grateful nod.

She attempts a brief smile before shuffling back out into the white-grey, frosty void with a shrill chime of the bell.

When she’s gone, Levi takes another deep breath and clenches his eyes shut for a second. Then her parting words sink in in a flash of flaring red, and make him curse as he already leaps for the door, blood going cold. “Shit, fuck!”

He has to stop this. Of all the people in the world, he should know better than to send Hanji into the shower, alone, just to appease his own nerves. As much as she’d be doing it for his sake, Levi doesn’t want her to have a panic attack under the water. Not like this. Not when he’s not there to help and make sure she’s all right afterwards. Not to-fucking-day!

His head is out of the door only a heartbeat later. “Glasses!”

She hasn’t gone far, though Hanji’s figure is already a blurry, colourless smudge in the fog.

Levi doesn’t want to say too much in public, so he simply shakes his head, staring at her, while people hurry by around them. _“Please,”_ he thinks in Hanji’s direction, his left hand clenching tight around the doorframe until the wood begins to protest, and splinters pierce into his fingerpads. _“Please. Don’t do it like this!”_

It works. Even through the obscuring mist, he can see Hanji’s shoulders relax before she waves at him in understanding. Turning around again she heads off to HQ.

Well, Levi muses as he heaves a sigh of relief, at least he righted this wrong. After regarding the doorframe with scrutiny and coming to the conclusion there’s no harm done, he tends to his hand. Chips of wood stick out of his thenar and his ring finger. He presses his thumb against one of them, welcoming the following sting, as cushioned as it is by layer upon layer of calloused skin.

The nuthatch residing under Levi’s roof flutters by with a chirp.

“Good morning, Captain.” The voice from his right door neighbour greets him.

Snapping out of it, Levi blinks. “Morning Karl,” he mutters back. Only now Levi feels the cold biting through the thin fabric of his shirt. He shudders and closes the door behind him. Then he goes into the staff department to fetch a medical kit with a pair of tweezers.

The wet cold keeps clinging to the air when noon comes and goes. It seems to lure in the customers so effectively that when Hanji pops in for a cup of Assam in the late afternoon, there’s not a single free chair left. Undeterred by having to stand at the counter, Hanji accepts her mug with a thankful sigh and a plea for another piece of nut cake. Both vanish so instantly in her mouth again, that Levi can’t help but ask himself when and how she nearly must have starved to death in her childhood. As always though, he lets the question slide, and with that morning still weighing heavy in his bones, Levi doesn’t want to push Hanji to begin with. After an enquiring look at her empty mug, he takes it for a refill.

With closing time approaching, the constant flood of customers begins to abate, then cease. Half an hour later, the café is almost empty again, exempt Hanji herself and a flirting, yet shy couple in the back. They occupy two of the armchairs and are so undoubtedly besotted that Levi wonders how they still aren’t all over each other by now. The man chuckles at something the woman has said, and Levi presses his lips together.

Eren laughed at him like that once too.  

“Are you losing it?” Hanji asks over her third cup of tea and the third piece of dessert. Apple pie this time, and she actually takes her time eating it. She looks better than this morning, yet still far away from peachy. “And don’t give me shit here, Levi. I can hear it.”

“I’ll live,” he says, keeping his voice as even as possible. His respiration hasn’t much slowed down all day long, keeping him slightly breathless.

“Mm.”

It’s unusual for Hanji to be this quiet, so Levi reaches for the apology that has been occupying his thoughts since the moment he plucked the splinters out of his palm. “I shouldn’t have barked at you earlier.”

She shakes her head. “It’s okay.”

It’s not, but he nods, mind already trailing off again.

Eren isn’t here yet. Maybe this will be the day he won’t come back. There’ve been misty days since Eren returned from the first expedition, but never this bad. It’s like a grey-white wall on the other side of the windows. Levi swallows down the lump in his throat for the umpteenth time since he woke up.

“He’ll be here,” Hanji says calmly. “How often do I have to tell you that he’ll be here every day?” She sighs when Levi avoids an answer under the pretence of having to fetch new tea from the back.

She isn’t shaken off by that. “You still haven’t talked about any of it, have you?” she calls after him.

Beginning to refill his tea cans on the counter, Levi doesn’t reply.

The woman in the back giggles, and the ensuing activity of hands grabbing coats and scarfs indicates a date gone well. Finally, Levi thinks as they stumble out of the café, their cheeks flushed, their eyes bright and hopeful. They’ve been sitting in that nook for two hours at least. And someone truly deserves something good happening today.

This fucking mist!

Hanji only waits until the two are out of the door, and Levi has collected the empty dishes before she pesters him. “Seriously, Levi, this has to change. What do you have to lose?”

“I don’t know,” he admits. “Nothing…everything.”

She frowns into her coffee.

“He asked for additional work again?” he asks, already knowing the answer.

Hanji rubs her tired eyes. “He’s mucking the stables.”

Levi nods.

“He’ll come,” she says again as she leaves. Still, Levi isn’t certain of it until he hears the heart-quickening sound of familiar footsteps outside the door.

It’s clear in an instant Eren is miserable, no matter how hard he tries to hide it. His shadowed eyes won’t stand Levi’s gazes for long, his fingers constantly move, and his whole body is twitchy with a restless energy. Everything that tells Levi to–

To what exactly Levi doesn’t know. It’s always been so easy to read Eren, but ever since that day, it’s like some blinds to a certain part of him have shut alongside the click of that door, keeping Levi out at all costs.

However, Eren is here now. That’s all that matters. The pressure that’s been weighing down on Levi’s shoulders all day long slowly starts to lift, as does the constricting tightness within his chest as his breath begins to ease too.

Hands buried deep in his pockets as the door falls into his lock behind him, Eren forces an unsteady smile before heading towards the table at the window.

While Eren sits on his usual seat, Levi ponders over the decision on today’s tea and food. It’s the weekend, and he planned fried potatoes with bacon and eggs for later, one of Eren’s favourites. Nevertheless, Eren might not stay for dinner tonight.

With that thought in mind, Levi takes a plate, approaching the cake display. After the rather busy afternoon, there’s not much left to choose between apple pie and marble cake. With the knowledge that chocolate has always been a good choice, the pick is easy. Nothing tart to that, so jasmine tea it is. It’s a good decision, apparently.

Though Eren frowns at the proffered food, he accepts it nonetheless, digging into the pastry with obvious greed. Always reliable, the chocolate does do its trick in easing the shadows around Eren’s eyes, if not as effectively as usual. Apart from an occasional scratch of his fork and his cup rattling on its saucer, Eren remains silent while Levi prepares the café for the next day.

By the time he is finished, Eren still sits there, waiting and looking at Levi expectantly when he sits on the chair on the opposite side of their table. Eren’s fingers are fiddling on the tabletop, yet the air between them seems to have lost its edginess, if not its awkwardness.

As they wash their dishes in the staff department, Eren is back to talking, or at least responding to Levi’s questions and asking his own in return.

“How…” Eren frowns at his pause and clears his throat. “How was business today?” His hands are busy with wiping dry his plate while Levi cleans a cup. The quiet squeaky noises of the tea towel mingle with the splashing of water from the sink.

“Not bad,” Levi replies, glad to have something innocuous to say. “Active afternoon. Hanji had no place to sit when she came in.”

“Oh. That’s good, I guess?” Eren looks up, setting the plate aside and waiting for the next item to towel dry. “It’s good you have customers, I mean.”

“It is.” Levi empties the cup by pouring the water into the sink, and hands it over to Eren.

His fingers are careful not to accidentally brush over Levi’s, yet they take over the cup with no hesitation.

Fishing for the second cup in the hot water, Levi searches for a new topic. Oddly enough, Eren’s unease helps him more to overcome his own than anything else today managed to accomplish. “You already know the Exploration Squads will return tomorrow?”

Eren nods. “Hanji told me.” His voice suggests a frown. “They’ll probably be glad to escape the cold for a few days.”

“Mm,” Levi agrees, rubbing over a tea stain on the inside of the cup in his hands. “You scrounged some carrots for the horses, didn’t you?”

“I didn’t.”

Something in Eren’s voice makes Levi look up and detect the bright flush of an earlobe. Levi lifts an eyebrow, not completely able to hold back an amused smirk. “You pilfered them.” It isn’t a question.

Eren shrugs, scowling now and jaw set in a stubborn angle of determination. “So what. I didn’t take the freshest ones. And they probably didn’t enjoy a nice carrot for a year now. They deserve it after all the grass. Must be no better than living off protein bars for months, and the soldiers get a proper meal tomorrow.”

Levi snorts as a wave of fond relief washes over his body. As unsettling as this day might have been, Eren’s spirit remains unbroken, residing somewhere within that broody frame. He’ll always be kind and fierce alike. Beautiful.

“Yes,” Levi agrees. “They’d like that. I think I have some old apples to cut off for them too.”

Blinking in irritation, Eren stills, and then smiles. It’s not a full smile. It’s guarded and already gone before really settling on his face. It’s there, however, and even reveals his dimples for a second or two. “Thank you.”

Ease lightening his heart, Levi offers a small smile back. He rinses the clean cup, and hands it over as well before pulling the plug out of the sink and wiping it dry.

Upstairs, Levi lights the fire, and when the flavour of sweet onions, roasted potatoes, savoury bacon, and buttery eggs fill the kitchen, Eren finally gives a grin that reaches all the way up to his eyes. He’s the one asking for chess after they finished eating, and Eren sinks into the leather of Levi’s armchair with an almost relaxed sigh. His posture is still bordering rigid, wary, and tense without the usual half tailor seat. His breath, on the other hand, is back to its normal pace and his previous paleness has shifted to Eren’s usual, tanned and youthful complexion.

“How’s Mikasa?” Levi asks, starting the game with a queen’s gambit.

Shrugging at the question, Eren moves the pawn opposite Levi’s moved one. “She’s all right, I guess.”

“Mm.” Levi moves his second pawn and registers Eren doesn’t take the bait. Instead, he hesitates, chews on his lip, and moves the pawn in front of his king for only one single step, declining Levi’s gambit.

His hair was damp enough that it was curling in his neck when he entered the Sparrow earlier. Now it’s dry, the half-ponytail he’s wearing these days loosened. Eren looks even wilder with his long hair. Even more untamable. More masculine. Even when the unruly strands frame his face in soft hues of brown, copper, and gold.

Not allowed to touch, Levi lets his fingers sink into the short stubbles of his corduroy seat before leaning forward to move his left knight.

Eren moves his left knight too.

“Good,” Levi says with a warm flicker of pride.

Meeting Levi’s glance, Eren’s eyes wander downwards to Levi’s mouth, and then dart back up before shooting to the chessboard with a wince that clenches around Levi’s chest. Seems they’re back to square one.

In his search for a helpful insight, Levi takes a sip of his tea, moves his bishop, and waits for Eren to react.

“So Hanji was here twice today?” Eren asks.

Levi leans back in his chair. “Yes.”

Eren nods and notices Levi’s enquiring frown. “She looked like she already had coffee when I went to her this morning.”

“Mm,” Levi says, for once glad to talk. “Sometimes I wonder how she got her morning dose before now. She’s the one who convinced me to sell coffee to begin with.”

Startled, Eren’s eyebrows shoot up, the unease seemingly pushed away, at least momentarily. “Really?”

“Yes,” Levi offers. “The initial plan was a tea shop.”

“Oh.” Eren frowns again, his fingers starting to twiddle with his nails. “What changed your mind?”

Levi wants to answer the question, but he cannot. He can not openly tell Eren the café is inspired by a similar place they once visited together, right before everything turned into this shitty mess.

Not today. Not entirely. Not with the reason sitting in his chair, hanging on tenterhooks, and looking about to run at any second. So Levi diverts because he has to. He can’t have Eren vanish for good.

“Memories,” he offers vaguely. “And people do like coffee.”

“I never understood why,” Eren says, scowling now, though his shoulders have relaxed once more. “It tastes awful.” He looks so serious and indignant, and so much like a younger version of himself. It makes Levi want to laugh, yet the mirth stays stuck somewhere below his throat, to lay there in a heavy lump.

When Eren leaves for the night, a little bit earlier than usual, the mist has finally gone to make way for a freezing, damp cold.

Their goodbye is stiffer than usual, and when Levi closes the door to his flat, the silence presses on his ears. The fire in the hearth hasn’t burned down yet, but its flickering light doesn’t seem to reach all the way into the room. Its warmth seems to be a treacherous one that won’t make it all the way into Levi’s bones.

The chessboard is still standing on the coffee table. Levi’s own figures, that Eren has taken during the game, stand neatly in an ascending row. Whereas Eren’s figures, on Levi's side, display an uncharacteristic, irregular mess that makes Levi frown. He’s let his guards down, and hadn't noticed. Quickly Levi recalls the night, searching his memory for any other possible cracks in his facade.

Eren hasn’t really fled the flat, yet it is clear the evening has been more than uncomfortable for him. Once more, Levi wonders what Eren wants from him. Because Levi knows he certainly refuses to talk about what happened between them. Still, Eren comes back night after night.

Levi can live with his unrequited feelings. It’s all right, it really is. He has learned to embrace it ever since Eren came back. He’s learned to bask in the warm coiling deep in his stomach whenever Eren laughs, talks, or simply is nearby. Whether it is here, or in the café downstairs, with Eren looking into his tea, eating cake, smiling at a small goodness, or talking about his Trainees with a fondness that makes Levi’s heart swell.

He has learned to thrive on their shared evenings, despite the nagging thought in the back of his mind that keeps on telling him every night tomorrow Eren will fail to appear. Up until now, Eren always has returned. Even today.

Sinking into the comforting embrace of his armchair, Levi begins to tidy up. The leather is still shaped to Eren's form, and it encloses around him now, moulding to his own frame. The residual warmth eases the wish back into his mind to know what he did wrong to appal Eren so much back then that he ran.

He can only hope he wasn’t too brutal. Eren pulled him closer after all. He didn’t push him away, and even initiated lots of what happened that night. His expressive green eyes had pleaded for more as well, his cries were more than clear about what he wanted, and going by the amazed smile on his face right before he’d come...no, Levi thinks. Eren certainly enjoyed all of that. On the other hand, Eren always has had a self-destructive acceptance of pain that might have made the damage itself seem much less hurtful than the aftermath.

Still, despite his impulsiveness—because of it—Eren would never do what he didn’t want to do, especially not with such blatant enthusiasm. Which only leaves Levi with himself as the problem. Levi cannot change who he is. Maybe Eren never really wanted another man. Or maybe it was simply different from what Eren thought it would be. Not gentle enough. Not good enough. Not fulfilling enough. Maybe Eren saw something that night he didn’t want to see. Or perhaps that one night stand was all that Eren wanted, and nothing more. Simply curiosity sought no strings attached.

It would certainly explain why Eren keeps coming back every evening. Levi would be all right with that decision too. Still, Eren obviously isn’t happy with his life. Levi can tell this much. Eren looks too haggard. He is too restless, even for his standards. Something seems to be broken and Levi wants to fix it. He must. He wants his old friend back and have Eren laughing again as he once did. But where to even begin repairing the rift without pushing Eren further away than Levi already has?

With still no answer to any of his questions, Levi removes the last men from the chessboard to store the pieces in their box. Piece after piece. One thought at a time.

Afterwards, he finishes his tea, washes the dishes, checks on the glimmering coals in the fire. Levi doesn’t bother to change into his night clothes before he sits back down in his chair. No matter how tired he is, rest won't come easy tonight. Everything seems more appealing than to slip under the cold sheets of his bed which is far too big for one person. On days like this, it seems to silently mock him for being such a sad, old wreck. Today he doesn’t want to hear it echoing in his mind.

No, this chair is much better. It’s a gift from Hanji. It’s exactly the right size, it protects his back, and it carries the lingering warmth and scent of Eren. Levi breathes in deeply, feeling his muscles relax.

Hanji is right: Something has to change. If he only knew how.

The familiar weight of the jackknife in his hand is placating, its wooden handle smooth and reassuring against his palm. The heat of the glowing coals crawls over him, settling on the blanket and his shoulders, turning his limbs into lead with each inhale of comfort and home.

The nightmares won’t reach him here. Not with Eren as his shield.

Letting his eyelids fall shut, Levi begins to count.


	5. Chapter 5

**Fourth of December – Pieces of Cake**

When Eren wakes up on the next morning, it is to a pounding heart against his ribcage, and to the fading traces of an explosive rush of blood in his veins he knows all too well. His breath is still coming too short, his bed sheets scratch awkwardly on his sensitised skin, and his cotton pants are clinging to him with a rapidly cooling stickiness that makes him groan.

Oh no! Not again.

Trying very hard not to move, Eren opens his eyes, hoping reality will dispel the last remaining impressions of the dream he just had. They remain, however, flicker through his mind in images of warm pale skin flushing under his hands, silky black hair slipping through his fingers, and a deep, soft mumbling of his name.

_“Eren.”_

"Go away," he orders with a scratchy voice.

The whispers do not fade.  

Eren groans.

Since the sight of dim, grey morning twilight that is the ceiling of his bedroom doesn't help to block out the images either, he throws an arm over his eyes. That doesn’t help too, so he presses his palms against his eyeballs until lights begin to dance behind his eyelids.

These dreams have to stop. It's not even the waking up to an ironically still unfulfilled ache that annoys him the most. It's the knowledge he should be long past this phase of having these fits of nighttime emissions at all—at least in this frequency. It's the knowledge these dreams are always about Levi. No exceptions. And it's also the realisation he has to go to get a new set of bed sheets and nightwear yet again. It's the second time this week. Worst of all, Mikasa has been overly curious lately.

"Fuck."

Having to admit forfeit sooner or later, Eren pushes aside the blanket and staggers into his bathroom with slightly shaking legs. As he steps under the shower, he decides to drown this day in hot water before it has even begun. He's not allowed to work today. With this kind of start he suspects, it can only go downhill from here.

* * *

After finishing his weekend morning routine of tea and honeyed toast, Eren decides to go for a run. Hopefully, some physical activity will clear his head and exhaust him. He needs to get rid of that lingering soreness of his skin and the haunting voice in his ear.

The cold, clear air feels fantastic and fresh in Eren's lungs as he heads out into the woods. The persistent fog has finally lifted, only to settle in the sky as a heavy blanket of grey clouds. Their darkness prophecies a downpour at any time, ensuring no view to the sun for the rest of the day. For now, it's dry, so Eren chooses the long running round today. Though the run doesn't ease his worries, it at least keeps them buzzing in the background of his mind, and his body busy. It beats pacing in his rooms or doing something stupid. Whatever that might be.

The Exploration Team returns in the late morning, stirring up the remainder of Levi’s voice from anew as the horses crunch on the apples Eren added to their boxes. This time its whispers are more underlain with safer images of shared grins over stolen carrots than anything else. Additionally, the sight of Armin, Sasha, and Connie casts out any further thought. As Eren hugs Armin, who is beaming all over his tanned face, he thinks this day might not be too bad after all.

His hopes don't last long, though. To be precise, they only last until the end of lunch when Sasha pushes aside her emptied bowl of stew with a content sigh and fixes Eren with expectant eyes.

"Does Captain Levi still have his café?" she asks, leaning back in her chair.

Senses demanding caution, Eren nods. "Yes," he says. Of course, she would ask that, he thinks. She’s not the one who’s having confusing, erotic dreams about Levi, is she?

"How is the business going for him?" Armin asks. "Is it good?"

Giving his best to not let anything show, Eren shrugs. "I guess so. It's mostly full in the evenings and a lot of soldiers visit in the mornings and at noon."

"Is he still wearing his apron?" Sasha asks.

Jean snorts.

"Yeah," Eren says. Somehow the thought makes him smile.

"That's so weird," Sasha muses. "He must miss the military."

"I don't know, Sasha." Jean sighs. "He's seen some pretty fucked up shit."

Mikasa pushes her nose into her scarf. Armin frowns.

"Besides," Jean adds with a huff, "they forcefully retired him."

"But…it's so different." Sasha frowns.

"I thought you of all people would understand with all the food," Connie says, his right arm in a cast that has seen better and much cleaner days. "You love food." He has grown some blond, spiky hair at last.

Eren catches himself numerous times to be startled by Connie's well-known voice coming from the strangely alien face. It is oddly unfamiliar. Then again, Eren has grown out his own hair as well and Armin has already grinned at the half-ponytail that matches his own.

"Yes, I understand, but I wouldn't trade jobs with him," Sasha answers. "Also, running your own business must be hard."

They look at Eren in unison and he shrugs again. "Well, I don't know. Why don't you ask him yourself?"

She beams. "I should. We all should go. I could have some dessert."

Connie, naturally, agrees to Sasha's plan, and as Armin doesn't object, it is settled and they all go. They only have a few days to catch up on each other's lives since they parted more than a year ago. Armin is with Connie and Sasha. Eren will go where Armin is, Mikasa too, and hence there's no way of leaving Jean behind. Not that he's truly annoying these days. Even Eren has to admit that.

Nails biting into his palms, he suppresses a groan at himself nevertheless. It's not that he doesn't want to see Levi, dreams and awkwardness on his side or not. It’s always good to see Levi. Calming. With all of the others as witnesses, however, it is something else entirely. It's just not the same. Yet Eren brought it up and now he must face the music.

"Okay," he says in defeat and stands up. “Let’s go then.”

As a group of six, they hasten through the now indeed rainy streets. It is almost like they are fifteen again, full of hopes and dreams and silly ideas. Armin's eyes shine and his hands swirl around in the air as he talks about the other ocean and the different kinds of landscapes they saw.

Eren feels happy for his friend. His dreams have come true, or at least this big one.

Mikasa walks close to Armin, which—after months of her unshared attention—Eren can only be thankful for. Sasha talks to Jean about hunting 'in the unknown.' Connie adds his comments with a wide, mischievous grin.

The Sparrow is empty of other customers and wonderfully toasty. Eren busies himself with his coat while Levi greets the others with a near smile and a round of tea and coffee on the house. They grin back at the offer and huddle together around two adjacent tables. Stories about the explorations soon are turning into questions about how things have been at HQ.

Sasha is soon indulging in her second piece of cake—"I'll be here for only one week, Jean. Of course, I will try them all!"—whilst Mikasa is talking to Armin about her Special Operation Squad. It’s a second edition of Levi's original one, with a small handful of elite soldiers that are trained to handle moments of crisis by acting quickly. They are the ones to handle situations before the rest of the military has to respond. Jean belongs to it as well. Being familiar with their work, Eren only half listens to their recapitulations of the past year.

Their high spirits seem to keep other customers out, or maybe it's the heavy rain splashing against the window front which keeps the people home. Eventually, Levi joins them in his apron, a cup of tea in his hand, eyes curious. Armin, Mikasa, and Jean move their chairs closer together to make room for an additional chair to Eren’s left.

“Nice hair.” Levi smirks and Connie laughs.

“Yeah, I thought it was time,” he grins. “Keeps the head warmer during winter too.”

Sasha chuckles. “He insists it is what made him fall down that tree.”

Jean huffs into his tea.

“Hey,” Connie protests, reaching for the table to box Jean’s shoulder. “It is different to keep balance like this.”

“I can imagine. Nothing else in that pinhead of yours,” Jean teases and Connie laughs again.

“You’re only jealous because my hair actually does look good,” he retorts.

Eren snorts.

“No need to get personal,” Jean sneers.

Levi smiles and jerks his chin at Connie’s cast. “How’s that arm of yours. Healing good?”

“Ah, man!” Connie grimaces. “Itches like fuck and not only on the skin but deeper too. Think it must be the healing bones. It’s good though. The medic said it can come off sometime next week. Can’t wait for it.”

Levi nods.

“How’s your café going?” Sasha asks. “It’s so quiet today. I hope it isn’t always like this?”

“It’s not,” Levi says. “Yesterday was busy. Full house almost all day through. It alternates.”

“That’s good.” Sasha smiles. “You still like it?”

“It’s not bad.”

“I bet Eren is your best customer, right?” she grins.

Suddenly being the aim of Armin’s scrutiny as well as Sasha’s wink, Eren gives his best to not blush or sink through his chair.

“Yeah, him and Hanji both,” Levi agrees, a small smile twitching on his lips.

Refusing to shift on his seat, Eren bites on his lip and focuses on the light amber colour of the final sip of tea in his hands. It’s Earl Grey today. It somehow fits the weather outside. It’s flavourful and uplifting and its taste warms Eren deep within. It also goes well with the nut cake in front of him. Levi always knows which tea to choose.

“Eren?” Sasha asks.

It takes Eren a moment to notice the sudden silence. He glances up, only to see they’re all looking back at him. “Huh?”

“How is Instructing going?” Sasha asks, probably for the second time, though Eren can’t recall hearing the first. “Are your Trainees good?”

“Oh!” He sits up in his chair. “Yeah, they’re good. They’re nice kids. Active.”

There’s a brief snort from his left, but Levi’s face only shows a pair of gleaming eyes behind his hand as he drinks.

Frowning in confusion, Eren turns back to Sasha. “They’re all different,” he says. “Some are super skilled, it’s amazing. One of them is silent, but she’s always there for everyone when they need help. I don’t know how she does it.”

Leaning forward, Levi refills Eren’s cup with more Earl Grey.

“Oh, thanks,” Eren interjects with a smile before he continues. “One is a bit of a clown, but she’s got a big heart and loves her friends. One is so excited to see the world. A bit clumsy, but such a good kid. Big animal lover too.”

Eren chuckles to himself. “He found a wounded bat in summer and brought him to HQ to nurse him healthy.”

“Yeah, that was fucking weird,” Jean adds, spiking a piece of apple pie with his fork.

Temper rising up out of nowhere, Eren bristles. “Harold is not weird.”

Jean rolls his eyes. “Seriously, mate. He gave that bat a name. Even you have to admit this is a bit odd.”

Eren wants to protest but is interrupted by Connie.

“Wait,” he says. “He brought a bat to HQ and actually gave it a name?”

“Yeah,” Eren says, shrugging. “Frank the Bat.”

Connie whistles. “Wicked.”

Sasha cackles into a big mouthful of apple pie.

“How is Harold’s nose?” Levi asks, frowning.

“It seems to be all right,” Eren answers with a worrying frown of his own. “Still looks awful though.”

“Is Harold the kid we saw at lunch?” Armin asks. “The one with the bruises all over his face? What happened?”

Eren nods. “Yeah, that’s the one. He crashed against a redwood during gear Training two days ago.”

Armin and Connie grimace. Jean scrunches his nose.

Sasha comments with a commiserating wince. “Poor kid,” she says.

“Yeah, he does stuff like this at least twice a month,” Eren admits, using his fork to cut off another bite of his cake. “But he’s improving. And he’s tough. He never complains and pulls through every lesson. Good on the theory too. And curious.” He smiles warmly. “His friends adore him like crazy. I’ve been borrowing him your books,” he adds to Armin.

His blue eyes light up instantly. “I could show him some of my new ones and notes if you think he’d like that,” Armin offers.

“That would be great, yes.” Eren beams. “Thank you.”

“They truly sound great,” Sasha says. “Do they make a lot of silly stuff too? You know,” she grins and points at Connie, “like this guy?”

“Hey!” Connie pokes out his tongue at her and grins back. “Look who’s talking.”

Eren laughs. “Yeah, they do.” So he tells them about Rita and her shenanigans, about her pantomime acts whenever Harold has had an accident to make her friend laugh again. He tells them about Fabian, who stole the key to the larder once and who still has to work off detention hours for that.

Sasha laughs the loudest, and by the time Eren tells her about the time Harold went green after asking him to show them how to do the famous 'Captain Levi midair spin' just once, she’s snorting so hard she has tea coming out of her nose.

"That was a good one, Sash," Connie chuckles and slaps her back.

"I know!" she wheezes, boxing back with still watery eyes. "Oh, Eren, I have to meet these kids. They're hilarious."

Levi gives a slight cough into his cup, and Sasha bursts into laughter again.

"I'm serious, Eren,” she says, wiping tears of laughter from her cheeks with the back of her hand. “When can I meet them?"

"Well, you can tomorrow if you want to," he offers. "Does another attempt at gear training sound fun to you?"

"Perfectly fun. I'll be there." She turns to Levi with a grin. "Is there more cake?"

"Some things never change, don't they?" Levi asks.

"You know they don't. Didn't you miss us?"

"Tch. Like herding cats."

Eren smiles at the sarcasm. By the additional plates of cake and pie on the counter, he can tell Levi has been stocking up to be prepared. It's the more luxurious selection too.

"Chocolate this time?" Levi asks, already standing, and taking her plate.

Definitely one of the more fancy ones, Eren thinks.

"Oh, yes, please." Sasha beams. "Thank you."

“You too?” Levi asks Eren.

“Huh? Oh, yeah, thanks.”

After that their conversation becomes calmer. Connie talks about fishing to Mikasa. Levi asks Armin about landscapes and maps before asking Sasha questions about the wildlife. They answer him alternately with sparkling eyes, while Eren sips his tea and tends to his own piece of nut cake.

Eventually, Jean unwraps his sketchbook and carbon pencils from a piece of oilcloth and retreats into one of the corduroy seats, quietly drawing as the conversation proceeds. He’s still drawing when the darkness outside has begun to fight the glow of the oil lamps inside.

Jean has become calm over the years, and Eren frowns at the realisation. He's never noticed it before and doesn't know why he does only now. Whatever the reason may be, here, today, amongst their friends which he's known for more than a decade, it's all too obvious.

Startled, Eren looks at the others more closely. Sasha has visible crow's feet around her eyes. Her previously pale freckles have darkened, and despite her former spirit still being the same, how she talks is a little bit different.

Armin looks so self-assured, so confident, Eren feels nearly ashamed for only noticing it now. He recalls the blond boy who cried over his book, refusing to fight his bullies, and an old knot seems to untwist inside of him. Connie looks more settled too. He's still the old clown, full of jokes and puzzled glances, but there's a new experience in it all.

Mikasa looks the same, as far as Eren can tell. She's still wearing the same scarf Eren gave her when they were nine years old. Eren doesn't know whether to be relieved by that fact or worried.

He still tries to decide when Sasha vehemently and unsurprisingly refuses to miss dinner.

“You just had four pieces of cake after a huge lunch, woman,” Connie teases. “Still not enough?”

“Nope.” She shakes her head. “Even the horses had carrots and apples today, so we deserve something good too.”

Eren senses a quiet smile from Levi at the mention, and smiles as well while Sasha continues.

“They’re having venison today.” Her eyes gleam in anticipation, completely engrossed. “Not a chance I’ll miss out on that. Come on, let’s go.”

Seven chairs get pushed back as they stand. While Levi begins to collect their empty plates and cups, the six of them gather their winter coats and scarfs to meet at the counter. When it’s Sasha’s turn to pay, Levi charges her for only three of her four pieces of cake. She cheers, promising him to come back every day she's here, as she seizes him in an enthusiastic, stormy bear hug. Eren catches Levi's perplexed gaze and for the second time that afternoon, he hurries to busy himself with his coat. Hugs involving Levi is a combination he doesn't want to think about.

Before he leaves, he catches Levi's eyes again though and nods. They both know he won't be coming upstairs tonight, not when it is Armin's first evening back at HQ. Levi nods back as Mikasa pushes Eren out into the night.

When the door closes behind them, the soft tinkle of the bell sounds wrong from this side of the window without a previous meal, not to mention at this early hour of the day. The rain has stopped, so they take their time in walking back, their stomachs warmed by tea and cake. Armin is talking to Jean about his drawings, and Sasha is hanging her arm into Connie's.

Startled, Eren frowns. Is this new? Or yet another thing he hasn't noticed earlier? He sighs, filled with questions. Is he different and yet the same too? Has he changed and become as quiet as Jean, or strong like Armin? Or more sinister like Sasha and Connie? Or has he, like Mikasa, not changed at all and still behaves like his younger self?

How does one change anyway? Does it happen over night? Or did the others change slowly and he's only noticed because of their time apart? Or maybe it's the time with his Trainees showing him how young they've all been once too?

Eren was sure he has changed a bit, and grown over the years. He's not a teenager anymore and has learned lots of things. He's learned how to trust others in battle. He’s learned how to make a choice, how to take responsibility, he’s even learned how to train a sack of bouncy thirteen-year-olds how to fight.

He's learned how to play chess, and make a proper cup of tea. How to be more patient. How to kiss.

“Fuck.”

Just like this, his mind is filled with images again. With sounds, scents, and with the sensation of firm yet surprisingly soft lips on his own, a tongue nudging achingly sweetly against his. The memory of Levi's taste fills his mouth, mingles with the cold, damp, fresh December air, and bursts down into Eren's stomach in a flash of heat.

Stopping in his pace, Eren shuts his eyes. He has to get himself back under control. Levi doesn't want him that way and never did, not really. Eren knows this. He recalls Levi's eyes on the next morning, revealing nothing but a certain reluctance, and Eren can't bear to see that look on Levi's face ever again. He can't go through another year without his friend, much less the rest of his life. He’s hurt Levi enough, and Levi deserves better—so much better. The least Eren can offer is keeping these kinds of impulses to himself and give anything a friendship lets him give.

Letting his nails bite into his palms and his teeth bite into his bottom lip, he recalls images from the woods, and waits until the pain takes over to push everything else away.

Yes. Better.

“Eren!” Armin calls from ahead, making Eren look up. "Are you coming?"

Realizing how far he's fallen behind, Eren clears his throat and catches up with the others. "Yeah."


	6. Chapter 6

**Fifth of December – A Can with Gunpowder**

"How was training with Sasha?" Armin asks at lunch.

They sit together in a quieter corner of the mess hall. Mikasa and Jean are still busy with their drills. Sasha and Connie are sitting with some of their friends from the Exploration Squads.

Armin spent his morning with Hanji, going over his maps and new plans for dividing up the groups for the next expedition. Meanwhile, Eren and his Trainees have been chasing Sasha in the woods.

Eren smiles at the question. "They all love her."

They do. Dashing through the trees like a bolt, Sasha has been the main attraction of their drills all morning long. Apparently, a life on the road hasn't taken her skills away as much as one could assume. It's been great to witness it.

"She must have had a blast." Armin smiles, looking at where she sits. "She's been missing it, I guess."

"Regarding her generous amount of cheering, I think you're right," Eren says.

Armin laughs. It's wonderfully easy talking to him, almost as if he'd been away for only a couple of days.

"Didn't you have any big adventure during the expedition?" Eren grins. "You know, like bears and such?"

A chuckle escapes Armin. "Sasha would have loved that. But no. And you know how it was the last time. Aside from the discoveries, Connie falling off the tree has been the most adventurous thing happening, I'm afraid."

"You're all getting old," Eren teases.

"I guess so." Armin grins. And then his face turns serious. "You're the one looking older, though. Are you all right?"

Eren sighs. He's been so hung up on Mikasa's worrying that he's completely forgotten about Armin's sharp observation skills, not to mention bluntness. "Yeah. Just having a lot on my mind lately."

"I already thought so,” Armin says. “Hanji mentioned you've been asking for extra work."

Slowly lifting his shoulders in defence, Eren shoves the potatoes from one side of his plate to the other with his fork. "I just don't like standing still, that's all."

Shrugging at the statement, Armin pierces a piece of carrot. "I know. But I'm not talking about standing still. I'm talking about slowing down. I know it's not easy for you, but you're worrying us."

"Us?" Eren frowns.

"Yeah, us." Armin doesn't explain any further.

Eren can only wonder who is responsible for the 'us' part, but this isn't really the issue.

"Is it the memories and the headaches?" Armin offers quietly. "I know they are bad sometimes."

Eren finds a small, reassuring smile for him. "It could be worse,” he evades. It definitely has been worse.

“Hanji said you can’t sleep and work until late at night.” Armin frowns. “Sounds bad to me.”

Shifting in his chair, Eren heaves a sigh. Of course, Hanji has told Armin about her nighttime visits. Ever since Eren moved back in at HQ, she started to come by when she’d see his light still being on, no matter the unruly hour. They never do much during those meetings. Mostly going through files and paperwork together, talking about Eren’s Trainees, or sharing a pot of tea to pass some sleepless hours. Though she never said anything about it aside a diverting joke every now and then, Eren suspects Hanji misses Levi’s insomniac company.

“Most of the time I can sleep,” Eren defends himself. “It's just the free time and weekends that are odd. Work hours and evenings are fine, mostly."

"What are you doing in the evenings?" Armin asks. "Private training?"

"No, I'm having tea and dinner at Levi's," he explains.

Expression curious, Armin looks at him. "Every day?"

Eren shrugs with indifference. "Yeah, pretty much."

If Armin is surprised, he doesn't show it. "Since when?" he asks.

"Ever since I came back." Deciding for a piece of potato, Eren shoves it into his mouth and keeps on picking on his food.

"But you're not living together,” Armin points out.

"Eh, no." Eren stretches the last word as if it would help to put more meaning into it. It's worth a try.

Why does this question of where he lives keep coming up?

"Okay," Armin says, stretching the word as well. “Why not?”

Letting go of his fork, Eren rubs his heating face and leans back in his seat. "Look, I don't want to talk about it, okay? It's weird."

"It has always been weird between you two," Armin says, unfazed.

Eren bristles. "What?"

"You always have seemed to get along better with each other than with others,” Armin reasons. “As much as you're my friend? You're odd and stubborn. And as much as I do understand you, I don't get you. But Levi does. He always has."

Fidgeting in his chair with sweaty palms, Eren thinks he really shouldn't have asked. Because, clearly, this has only been the warming up part so far, and there's an Armin moment coming which Eren won't be able to stop.

"And he's the same," Armin continues. "You laugh at poop jokes together, Eren, and drink tea like it's the greatest thing since bread came sliced, and not just something nice. There's a reason why Jean calls it hot leaf juice because, basically, that's all it is. But not for you. You've always had this silent way of communication that no one else gets, and you complete each other too. You are strangely oblivious to some things and laugh too much. He, however, seems to notice nearly everything, and manages to calm even you when you're in one of your rampages. He laughs much too less, except when you're around, and even seems just as relaxed with you as you seem with him. It's like you're made for ea–"

"Don't say it," Eren warns.

Armin tries another approach. "Have you had sex yet?"

"Oh, please, just stop!" Eren rubs his eyes, barely resisting the urge to cover his burning ears.

Muscles moving under his fingertips, strong and smooth. A gasp in his ear. Nearly blackened eyes pinning him into place and making him shudder with want.

Stern, grey eyes, shutting him out on the next morning, full of regret and pain.

Waking up in Levi’s arms, looking at death.

Eren clenches his jaw and wants to push his lunch away as the bile rises in his churning stomach again.

Unperturbed by Eren’s glare, as always, Armin shrugs, continuing nonetheless. "It could work. That's all I'm saying."

Eren vehemently shakes his head. If he wasn't in the mess hall right now, and alone in his room or in a deserted place instead, he would yell. Or hit himself on the head. Hard. Anything to forget everything about this conversation. Feelings talk with Armin was so not what he has been hoping for this day. Or ever, really.

"I don't laugh too much, though. Do I?” he asks in an attempt to deflect. “And when am I oblivious?"

Armin rolls his eyes. "Is that all you heard right now?"

"No. I just…I just don't want to think about him this way," Eren admits, feeling the familiar panic rise in his chest, spurred on by logic he doesn't want to hear.

"Why?” Armin prods with a thoughtful wrinkle of his nose. “Because you're friends? That's not how it works. And running away doesn't help."

Indignant, Eren grits his teeth. "I hate it when you're rational like this."

Armin narrows his eyes and frowns. "No, you never have. You hate it that you're not. You're glad you've met me when we were kids, and that I stick with your bullshit because otherwise, you'd be an idiot. Not a stupid idiot, but an idiot nonetheless. It's another reason why it would make sense, by the way. He makes you use your head."

"Forget what I said. I hate _you_ ," Eren jokes weakly.

"You only hate yourself these days, Eren,” Armin corrects him. “Wherever that comes from, you should stop doing that."

Eren looks at his friend whose eyes are worried and understanding like no one else’s. God, he missed him. He drops his head so he can hide his suddenly burning eyes.

"Thank you," he mumbles as soon as he thinks he can trust his voice again.

“Any time," Armin says. "It's what are friends for.”

They continue with their lunch. It tastes stale, and Eren once more wishes he could simply push it away without being scolded.

"So," he begins, desperate for another direction in their talk, and opting for another piece of potato. "Connie and Sasha, huh?"

Armin stares at him for what must be a whole minute before bursting into laughter. "Really, Eren?"

"What?" Eren asks, only to be rewarded with a new fit of laughter. "What's so funny?"

"Yeah, Armin, what's so funny?" Jean asks as he and Mikasa join them at the table. Eren is incredibly thankful for the fact that they are only showing up now, and not during Armin's monologue before. He can imagine what Jean might have wanted to contribute to that topic.

"Eren," Armin wheezes, wiping his wet eyes. "He's hilarious."

"Tell us something we don't know." Jean smirks.

Eren kicks him under the table but grins back. "It was just a question," he tries to defend himself.

Armin snickers. "Please, tell me you didn't find out just now."

“Ah, all right,” Jean mutters to himself with a self-satisfied nod. “What’s it this time?”

Feeling the blush rise in his neck, Eren doesn't answer any of them. He won't give them the satisfaction to hear he's realised it yesterday.

"Are you going to see Levi again today?" Mikasa asks.

Evading to meet Armin's expectant expression, Eren stares at his own plate and exhales. "Yes."

* * *

After missing out on closing tea and dinner the day before, Eren arrives at the Sparrow early. The café is still buzzing with guests, yet his table at the window—once more—is empty.

He takes his usual seat, fiddling with his fingers under the table as Levi approaches with a muffin and today’s evening tea. The liquid is nearly shining in a characteristic, luminous light colour, somewhere between bright green and yellow. It’s a Gyokuro.

Eren frowns at the luxury. “What are we celebrating?”

“There’s no cake left,” Levi explains, setting everything on the table.

“Oh.” Eren nods. “That’s okay.”

“You’re early,” Levi says, scrutinising Eren carefully. “Everything all right?”

An image of Armin lecturing him during lunch appears before Eren’s eyes. Resisting the urge to scratch his arms, he reaches for his plate with the muffin. “Yes. Fine.”

“Mm.”

There’s a line between Levi’s brows that has Eren mirror the frown. Levi’s lips are pressed together too, and his jaw is tense. His shoulders are tight, his posture alert.

“What is it?” Eren asks.

“Nothing,” Levi answers, moving his elbow to point at a nearby table in his back.

Two men occupy it, a woman in their midst. They’re all laughing. Their expressions, however, aren’t kind. Their laughter sounds nasty too. Edgy. It only occurs to Eren now that most of the noise surrounding him comes from them. They are rather loud compared to the rest of the customers, regulars mainly. Most seem as tense as Levi as they carry on with their far quieter conversations.

“Nothing so far,” Levi corrects himself quietly.

Scowling, Eren presses his lips together. “How long have they been here?”

“Just came in a few minutes ago.”

“I’ll watch them,” Eren promises, protective instincts flaring up. “Don’t worry.”

Levi grunts. “Keep your glare down.”

Humming absentmindedly, Eren begins to eat his muffin.

He doesn’t like what he sees at that table. The three are all strangers to him. Going by Levi’s reaction, and the wary peeks of the regulars present, nobody in the Sparrow knows them either. So they must be from another town. They’re dressed well. Expensive fabrics, rich embroidery, and vibrant colours. Pale, pointy faces. Tradesmen, Eren guesses. The hairs on his neck have begun to rise with prickled warnings. He can’t really put a finger on it, but there’s something in the woman’s shrill hilarity, that sets him on edge.

It’s not that anything bad is going to happen, not really. Eren takes a quick, assessing glance around. Twelve familiar soldiers are in the room, most of them in their civilians clothes, yet certainly armed. Four civilians, all of them soldier family members. Real locals. Levi, and him. Yet he doesn’t want any trouble for Levi, so Eren quietly takes a sip of his tea, and waits, listening in to their conversation.

“I always knew he was quirky,” one of the two men says. His voice comes out low and timbered, failing completely at being secretive. “Not right in the head.”

“This is a bit too far, though, isn’t it?” the second man spits out.

“Ah, you never know, I guess,” scoffs the first voice.

The woman snorts.

The second man speaks again. “I can’t believe I grew up next to someone like him. His parents are good, honest people. You know what he told me? That he’s in love. Can you believe that? With a man!”

They laugh again, attracting several glares from Levis customers.

Eren clenches his fists. Alarm shoots through his veins. His whole body turns hot within a second. The food before him is forgotten as a steady voice in his head tells him to restrain himself. He bites hard on his lip, pressing his feet into the ground to remain seated. Steam rises before his eyes. A second later, he tastes the coppery saltiness of blood.

The woman gives another dismissive snicker. “Let’s teach him a lesson. Any ideas?”

“Order him some women,” the first man suggests. “Maybe some proper tits might set his mind right.”

Before Eren knows what he’s doing, he’s standing before them. His blood is boiling. His ears are ringing. He once more clenches his fists to keep his hands from shaking.

“Shut up!” he growls.

They all look up at him, expressions startled.

The woman is the first to snap out of it. She laughs again, face distorting into a smile as she leans forward, hands folded under her chin. “Well, what do we have here? Is there something you want, pretty boy?”

Eren thinks he’s never seen someone smile this ugly before. “Have some fucking respect!” he seethes.

“Respect,” the second man sneers, taking in Eren’s uniform with a wrinkle of his nose. “Learn some for yourself, I’d say, and let us be. You soldiers have become a nuisance ever since the war’s been over. You think you can do anything now, don’t you?”

“Really? Then what do you think you’re doing here?” Eren demands.

“Drinking coffee and having a nice chat until you came along,” the first man adds in a stretched tone, casually taking as much space on his chair as he can. “We rather like it here, you see?”

Eren wants to hold himself back, he really does. “Yeah, that’s the problem. It’s not nice to plan out how you’re going to bully people weaker than you, loud enough to force everyone around to hear it,” he grinds out. “We don’t like scum like you here. Leave.”

“Or what?” the woman mocks. “You’ll throw us out? And why? Are you a poofter too?”

“What if I was?” he shoots back. “We’re all people, aren’t we? Well, at least some us of are.” Eren fixes her with a glare. He knows his eyes are on fire now. He doesn’t give a fuck.

He’s just about to press onward, as he feels a presence at his back that makes him relax slightly and stop in his rant.

“You should listen to him,” Levi says calmly. “My friend can get angry, and you certainly do not want to enrage him. Though I’d almost like to see how that goes out for you.” Levi jerks his chin at Eren. “Ever heard what happened in Stohess District? That was him.”

The comment helps.

The first man begins to sweat. The other one turns red. The woman, already pale to begin with, turns white as a sheet.

“Eren…Yaeger,” she stammers, stares at Eren, and then at Levi. “You’re…?” Her mouth drops.

“Yes, you’ve probably heard of me too,” Levi continues coolly. “Besides, I guess you didn’t know this is a military café? Just a tip: Next time you start making loud plans about how you’re going to fuck with someone, you should take a good look around yourself first.”

Curious himself now, Eren does.

The whole room has become pin-drop silent. The soldiers around them are still seated, yet ready to stand, their hands already on their weapons.

Chest swelling with pride, Eren turns back to the three intruders before him.

They take a look at each other, and hurry to stand.

“You’d better remember to pay,” someone in the back orders as they grab their coats. It’s Erika. She was there during the final, victorious battle. “We don’t give charity to arseholes.”

Hastily dropping a couple of coins onto the table, the group flees without a further word.

“Yeah, that’s right,” Erika calls after them, raising her cup of black coffee. “Run, little girls. Run!” Her friends laugh, beginning to pick up their prior conversations.

A pair of soldiers from the Military Police rise as well, heading towards the entrance. “We’ll make sure they won’t make any trouble,” one of them says to Levi with a pleasant nod as they pass.

Levi nods in return.

“Sorry,” Eren mutters when they’re out of the door. He rubs his neck. Levi said he should watch his temper, keep his ire down, and he failed. He shouldn’t have gotten loud. Still, as he looks at Levi with abashment prickling hot upon his skin, there is no dissatisfaction whatsoever in Levi’s expression. On the contrary, and the easy smile gracing his mouth alongside a certain glint in his eyes, cast out every bit of lingering contrition in Eren’s guts. All that remains from it is a distinct flutter somewhere around his midriff.

“Don’t be,” Levi says.

Caught by surprise, Eren shakily smiles back before returning to his seat while Levi and the rest of the café tend back to business as usual.

His Gyokuro is still steaming lazily in its cup, sending an invitingly rich flavour up Eren’s nostrils as he reaches for the heated china. The unforgettable taste is slightly sweet and wonderfully savoury as always, refreshing his body with a coddling warmth. Today it doesn’t completely help to calm his nerves, though. Anger and disgust are still rushing through his blood, mingling with the prior disconcertment that’s been stirring at something at the back of his mind since lunchtime. If Eren only knew what it was. It feels like chasing a shadow.

Whatever it is, the thought of Armin makes Eren startlingly aware that he acted out of protective instinct again. Witnessing a group of people ganging up to bully someone, or even planning to do so, still puts Eren right back on the streets of Shingashina, or the ghetto of Wall Rose. He’s known how wanting to shield someone feels since he crawled out of his crib. The instinct has only sharpened since. Doesn’t really matter if said someone is in need of his protection or not. Eren can’t help it but step in. Especially concerning someone important to him.

Feeling confused, he finds himself regarding Levi who is serving Erika a fresh cup of coffee. Eren shifts on his seat, chewing on a bite of muffin absent-mindedly. Wanting to defend someone is one thing. The additional unpleasant churning sensation he experiences while doing so is something completely different. As is the nearly overpowering urge to drag Levi into the staff department, away from public eyes, to make sure he is all right. Regardless of the fact that Levi’s swift movements and the placid tone of his voice as he talks to his customers tell Eren he’s fine anyway.

Nevertheless, he wants to know for certain. Wants to search Levi’s face and ease every bit of possibly lingering worry. Instead, Eren stays put in his seat at the window, sensing the cold of the night pressing against the glass. The chill does not quite manage to battle against the toastiness of this place, yet it is there, looming. It sends a shiver down Eren’s spine.

Frowning at the darkened street outside, Eren ponders into his Gyokuro, only shortly glancing up with a flicker of an appreciative smile when Levi refills his cup.

He’s startled back into the here and now when he hears voices from the entrance, calling his name. “See you soon, Captain. Eren.”

The last customers of the day already leave into the night. Eren wonders how deeply lost in his thoughts he’s actually been for not having realised that the tables around him have emptied. Apparently, it’s closing time already.

Schooling his features into a friendly expression, he replies the goodbye with a nod, watching Erika and her friends go. Levi locks the door behind him before beginning to tidy up. They will not share cups of closing tea tonight, but head upstairs right away. It’s Monday, and Monday evenings are Levi’s time for bookkeeping, with the café closing an hour early.

So Eren stands, collects his dishes, and heads towards the tiny kitchen, almost glad to see more china to wash and already soaking in the sink.

“I’ll take care of the others too,” he declares out loud.

It earns him a disapproving grunt from Levi, but nothing so chiding that it would make Eren stop. He wants to help, and may that be by doing something as insignificant as washing some cups and plates.

* * *

Sitting at Levi's dining table an hour later, Eren is still lost in thoughts, despairing over a leaflet detailing the wear out of harness hooks. His eyes don’t register the information, only vaguely aware of the included order details for a new batch. He must have read it five times already, yet the words still don't make any sense. The pages only offer some meaningless letters as it seems, to cram into Eren’s brain with an unfathomable jumble that slips through his comprehension like water through fingers.

Levi is sitting on an opposite chair, brooding over lists, files, and numbers, scribbling into a ledger. His weekly stack of bills is grounded by a small, grey stone with a hole running through it. Eren can’t stop his heart from swelling whenever he sees it. He’d felt so lost on the day he found it, even with his naked feet being washed by ocean waves. He thought about how Levi was doing. If he might feel as cut off from the world as Eren. Then his eyes spotted that stone that wore the same hue as Levi’s eyes. It felt so perfect in his palm, so much like a steadying promise of better days. He knew in an instant that Levi must have it.

It was the first and only time he genuinely smiled during their whole trip. He had been incapable of getting Levi out of his head. Levi was everywhere. In his morning tea routine, that lasted for two months until his provisions were gone. Waking up to the question what Levi was doing. Standing at the ocean and wishing Levi was there with them to see the endless waters. To taste the salt. To feel the wind in his hair, and hear the birds shriek above his head. To feel alive and good. Levi wasn’t there though.

As much as Eren initially wished to leave, after only one week of being on the road, he felt the growing distance with each step. Before long, he thought he’d simply fade and break. Eventually, he wished he would, yet never did. So Eren focused on working and doing all he could to make the mission succeed. When they finally headed back, Eren’s heart had started to unclench and beat again. With a stone resting against it, inside his pocket.

He can still recall the light in Levi’s eyes as he received his gift. He even finds himself wishing he will see it again some day. That brief glint of bright delight and quiet fondness. Levi deserves every single bit of happiness he can get after all.

Levi shifts in his seat. Going by the sound, and Levi’s scowl that he tries to suppress, Eren can tell he's stretching his bad leg.

After their final battle, the chronic pain kicked in. Levi began to get cramps and a certain stiffness from his knee down that never went away again completely. Hence his forced retirement.

 _“Phantom pain,”_ Hanji calls it. Levi simply calls it _“that stupid foot.”_ Eren has never stopped calling it _“my fault.”_

He brought his own share of paperwork tonight, a rather small stack of files compared to his usual amount. Hanji has been keeping her word. Starting yet another attempt at understanding the tables and diagrams in his info sheet, Eren begins to be grateful for the favour.

His left elbow rests on the tabletop and his forehead rests against his hand that occasionally ruffles through his untied hair.

'…appearances of rust…safety protocol adjustments referring to Survey Corps Guidebook §51B…'

'…vandalism…'

Oh, what the hell!

He signs the sodding thing and reaches for his tea. Today's one is exceptionally good. Some new discovery, Levi has told him. Eren stops in his movement when the rim of the cup is pressing against his lips with a tilt of his hand, but nothing but a few, cold drops reach his tongue.

It's empty.

When did that happen?

Frowning, he wants to fill it up again, but the pot only offers a few sad, disappointing drops as well. Eren huffs.

Why is the tea always gone?

"Empty again?" Levi asks, looking up from his work to fill up his pen with new ink. The lamplight catches on his fingers as they move, and his rolled up sleeves expose his wrists and strong underarms. A thin layer of hairs covers the muscles and prominent veins, a faint black veil reaching just to the juncture between Levi’s wrists and the back of his hands where the pale skin takes over again. Sinews flex under Levi’s movements as the elegant, skilful fingers handle the pen.

They felt warm, these fingers, Eren remembers. Warm and rough. Calloused palms performing claiming strokes as they roamed over Eren’s throat, his ribs, his hardened nipples, his belly, and lower, before they wrapped around him with a summoning pull, thumb spreading precome in enticing circles. Thrilling, dazzling. Demanding.

The pulsing sensation in his cock jerks Eren back into the present, and he grits his teeth to bite back a groan. No, he reminds himself. This is not how it is between them.

Horrified at himself, he fights down every bit of arousal and memory alike. He tries hard not to squirm, pondering over whether he could stealthily rearrange himself without having Levi notice. Probably not.

He also realises faintly that Levi has asked him something and is now looking at him with a small, assessing frown.

"Huh?” Eren blinks to clear his head, and luckily recalls the question. “Eh, yeah.” He clears his throat. “It’s empty."

Tending back to his work, Levi continues writing in his ledger. "I could have some more too."

Seizing the distraction, Eren carefully stands and carries the tea pot into the kitchen. "Is there another infusion left?"

"No, that was the final one,” Levi answers, almost distractedly. “Choose whatever you like."

The sieve is already empty and Eren looks at the collection of Levi's favourite teas, including an Oolong in a dented, rectangular tin can with faded lettering on it, a shiny, plain cylinder with calming herbs, and another tin box that Eren still remembers from his early time in the Survey Corps.

In a fit of nostalgia, he opens the latter and smiles as its content is revealed: grass green, little balls of tea leaves. Gunpowder it is.

While Eren waits for the water to boil, he rinses the tea pot. Then he fetches their empty cups from the living room to clean them as well. With that being done, he fills up the sieve with tea and neatly places the black box back onto the shelf, next to its fellows.

Eren regards the collection and frowns. Armin is right. Levi and he truly do drink a lot of tea.

So what!? That doesn't make them a couple.

From the living room comes a rustle of papers, a book being closed, and files being stacked away. Levi has finished early today. That means a rare case of Monday chess.

"Where's Armin tonight?" Levi asks, entering the kitchen. Going by his tired eyes, the numbers must have given him a headache.

"He's talking about maps, future plans, and exploring strategies with Hanji." Eren arranges their cups back onto their saucers.

"Was that lovely late night meeting his idea or hers?"

Eren snorts. "I guess they were both equally eager about this one."

The corners of Levi's mouth flicker shortly. "He really likes this kind of work, doesn't he?" he says, voice milder than usual.

"Yeah, he does," Eren answers, feeling a new wave of warm happiness for Armin swash over him, that even manages to push away some of his nerves.

"Good." Levi smiles.

"Yeah." Eren smiles back.

The water is boiling and Eren fills up the tea pot. Silently counting the seconds for the infusion, he watches the leaves unfold and move. He's been fascinated by this ever since the first time he's seen it.

After collecting pot and cups, they move over to the fireplace, Levi offering the leather chair to Eren as always. Tucking his feet into the seat cushion, Eren fills their tea cups while Levi fetches the chessboard.

It smells like Levi in this chair.

Like comfort.

Armin's words come to his mind once more, and Eren shakes his head. He's never cared much of what other people think of him and he won't start now. They might not understand why this is how he needs things to be, but they don't have to empathise with his situation at any rate. He just has to find a way to sort this out with himself, whilst getting rid of his unwanted fantasies. Otherwise, things are fine as they are.

Because that is how they should be, he keeps on hammering into his head. At least his boner is gone again by now.

Levi is back, and they begin setting up the pieces—Levi always the black ones, Eren always the white. The wooden pieces feel smooth and familiar under Eren’s touch as they meet the board with soft knocking sounds that are muffled by the felt pads.

"Do they already know when they will leave again?" Levi asks, picking up their prior conversation.

"Yes, in nine days,” Eren says. “Just before the new recruits will come."

For a moment Eren has the feeling Levi wants to say something, but he only nods and hides two pawns in his hands, one from his side, one from Eren's.

"Left or right?"


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since some of you asked: Selma is an anagram of Amsel, which in turn is the German word for blackbird. Yes, I’m a nerd and I love to play with words. :)

**Sixth of December – A Napkin**

Harold is having a bad day.

It all begins when they begin their training with another set of manoeuvre gear routines and attacking dummies in the forest, followed by survival lessons.

“All right,” Eren says as they have gathered at the outskirts of the woods. “We’ll start where we left off yesterday. That means manoeuvre gear routines, that you all know by now. Sasha here will join us again today, so show her what you’ve got, yeah?”

They all nod and hurry off and up into the air after a salute. Being generally inspired by Sasha's presence, they all are in an exceptionally adventurous mood, moving more boldly and carelessly, but—interestingly enough—with sharper instincts.

Watching them from the top of a tree, Eren writes notes, including his observations and new ideas for further teaching units. He remembers their faces when he's first shown them what he can do with his gear, but after one year, he supposes, their awe when it comes to his skills has faded into acceptance and everyday business. Sasha on the other hand is, of course, a celebrity. Opposed to him, she can give the kids away at the end of the day, which also makes her some kind of favourite grandma. Or rather aunt.

Eren hasn’t been up in the tree for ten minutes when he hears Rita call his name. Suspecting another Harold incident, Eren hurries towards her voice, and indeed, finds the kid dangling from a fir, upside-down and tangled up in his wires.

Well, damn.

“I’m sorry, Instructor Eren,” Harold mumbles. His coat is dangling over his eyes and he unbuttons it to hand it over to Mia. “I don’t even know how it happened. It all went so fast.”

Eren lands next to them and sheathes his gear handles. “It’s all right, Harold. We’ll get you down there.”

“How, Sir?” Mia asks. Her blue eyes are big with worry. “The wires seem pretty tight.”

“Yes. Looks like we’ve got to cut him down,” Eren answers, drawing a blade with his right hand as he turns to her and Rita. “But it’s okay, it happens sometimes. I need you two to step back a bit, though, I could slip with the blades.”

Mia and Rita both take two steps back while Eren begins to carve at the strong wires keeping Harold in place.

“You need to concentrate better, Harold,” Rita advises over Eren’s efforts to cut the boy out. Her voice is stern, yet mild. “You can’t let yourself get distracted out there.”

“I know,” Harold agrees.

With the faintest of rustles on the wooden floor, Sasha lands next to them. “Oh, what happened here?”

“Only a small mishap,” Eren says, looking over his shoulder to where she stands. “Can you have an eye on the others, please?”

“Sure thing.” She nods and dashes up and away again.  

“Was it a bird?” Mia asks Harold. “One of these buzzarks? I didn’t see anything.”

“Buzzards,” Eren corrects automatically, still busy with the first cut. These wires are supposed to hold, and they do their job.

“Buzzards,” Mia repeats to herself.

Rita shakes her head. “No, there weren’t animals nearby.”

“A branch brushed my nose and I tried to swap it away.” Harold’s words come out positively muffled. “That’s when it happened.”

“Oh,” Eren says. “I’m sorry.”

Harold grunts. “Not your fault. Did that to myself again, didn’t I?” Hanging upside down like this has made his face flush red from all the blood-flow. His nose is swollen again, and his eyes start to fill with tears of pain that he fights back with blinking eyes and a clenched jaw. His breaths are getting heavier too.

Eren hurries with the wires. It still takes another two minutes to free the kid, and by the time Harold is finally back on both feet again, he immediately sinks down to the ground, holding his, probably pounding, head.

Crouching down next to her friend, Mia rubs Harold’s shoulder. “Are you all right?”

“Of course, he is,” Rita declares and slaps Harold’s back. “Welcome back to the ground, bat boy.”

Face still red and eyes swollen, Harold looks up at her. He shoots her a weak smile. “I’m not a bat boy,” he insists.

Grinning, Rita folds her arms. “That’s what you say. You should have seen yourself. Frank would have been proud of that show.”

“Thank you, Rita.” The boy beams, already staggering back up to his feet.

“Slowly there,” Eren says, instinctively holding out his hand to take Harold by his shoulder. “Take it easy for a few moments and let your body readjust, all right? You should have a bit of water too. Here.” He produces his canteen and hands it over.

“Yes,” Harold says with a steady voice, but the hand that reaches out for the bottle is shaky. “Thank you, Sir.”

“We’ll make sure he’s all right,” Rita says as Harold takes his first gulp of water. “You can go back to observing the others, Instructor.”

Biting back a chuckle at the three of them, Eren looks at her. “Are you sure?” He’s not worried about leaving them here. He won’t be far away, and with Rita and Mia at his side, Harold is in good hands.

Rita nods. “We’ve had worse.”

So they have, Eren silently agrees.

“Are five minutes of rest enough, Instructor Eren, Sir?” Mia asks.

“Yeah, that should be good,” Eren says. “Make sure he’s got a natural colour again before he goes back up. And if you need something, call me, okay?”

They nod again. “Yes.”

“Good.” Eren smiles. “I’ll bring you a spare set while you take care of him.”

After supplying the three of them with a backup set of gear, Eren goes looking for Sasha. He finds her up on the tree he’s made notes from before and takes over from her with a grateful smile. “Thank you, Sasha.”

“Anytime,” she assures. “Everything all right with Harold?”

“Yeah.”

“Reminded me of you, actually.” The whimsical grin Sasha shoots him is one practised by long-time friendship and old camaraderie. “You nearly strangled yourself that day. Made it far, huh?”

Eren snorts and replies just as playfully. “Oh, speak for yourself, Potato Girl.” Actually, Harold reminds him more of Armin, but he won’t tease his friend while he’s not there to defend himself. Also, opposed to himself, Armin at least never managed to tangle himself up in his wires and nearly choke himself to death. Jean had been sneering about the incident for weeks. Eren had been furious, but most of all at himself for being this useless wannabe of a soldier.

Sasha chuckles and then nods at a Titan Dummy a couple of trees ahead. “I honestly can’t believe we still have these old things. They’re close to breaking apart.”

Watching Derek and Sara who fly past them, Eren agrees. “Yeah. Cheaper than producing new props, I suppose.”

Sasha sighs. “Well, it’s probably for the best.”

Eren agrees with a grim smile. About one month after their last battle, the rulings about the Titans being wiped out was proclaimed. Eren still remembers Levi's annoyance about that fact. He said the only way to make sure every last Titan was gone was to _“blow up the whole fucking human race.”_ The higher-ups had only snickered at that comment and told Levi to shut up for once. Which, to Eren’s endless satisfaction, he hadn't.

Looking back now, the idea comes to Eren’s mind that maybe their dislike of Levi has played a big role concerning his forced retirement, and he scowls. He’s never thought of that possibility, but now that the thought is there, it seems almost obvious. Does Levi know? Probably. It must have made him furious.

Well, Eren thinks, at least Levi has his café now. He’s happy. Hopefully, he concludes with a frown.

“Hopefully what?” Sasha asks.

Realising he said that last word out loud, Eren jerks his head up. “Oh, nothing,” he says and tends back to his notes.

* * *

With overcoming the first hiccup of the day rather well, Eren concludes their gear drills an hour later to start with the survival training.

It includes finding some kindling that will work which, after the downpour two days ago, isn’t all too easy. Due to the cold temperatures and the protection of fir trees, the bare branches on the forest floor are still damp, if not soggy level wet.

Eren splits the Trainees into two teams, ordering one to gather some damp wood from the ground whilst telling the other group to trim dryer low level hanging branches from the trees.

Like this, they manage to find a good amount of wood that will do, and Eren shows them how to shave the wet bark from the limbs they collected from the trees, to get a stable fire started.

Once it is lit, Eren explains how to line up the wet wood between the stone ring containing the fire, To hold the drying wood immediately outside the stone ring, he uses a couple larger sticks pushed into the ground as a barrier. He continues with showing them various stages of the drying wood, telling which one would burn and which won’t yet. Then Eren makes sure to get a big enough blaze that they could set up a kettle if they had one. They don't have one, but everyone settles around the small blaze anyway.

“Okay, folks,” Eren says. “Who of you have already taken part in a hunt of some sorts?”

A few of them raise their hands, including Mia, Derek, and a small, scrawny boy, named Oskar.

Eren smiles. “All right. Then I guess you know that in a wooded area like this you have more hunting options than in open country.”

They nod, and Eren continues.

“It requires reading animal tracks to know what kind of game you have available to you. Areas like this one usually contain deer, various kinds of game birds, rabbits, and squirrels. If you are near a stream or lake, you could go fishing.” He looks at Sasha. “Would you?”

She beams. “Oh, please, can I?”

“Sure.” Eren’s smile widens into a grin. “You’re much better at this stuff anyway.”

“Yes, I am!” She booms, boxing his shoulder. “Stick! I need a stick.” Enthused, she searches the forest floor nearby, grabs a long, thin branch, and then uses her foot to clear the ground in front of her.

“Rabbits,” she starts, “live in holes that are hidden under shrubbery. They make small trails to and from their burrows as they forage for food, that look a bit like this.” Using her stick, she makes some sketchy drawings in the damp earth. “Once you learn to read the tracks for real, you can tell whether it is a fresh or old trail. Setting up snares in a rabbit's main path is a sure way to catch it.”

She draws something else on a patch of earth nearby the rabbit trails. “Squirrels tend to live up in trees, so you look for sign of their presence by studying the bases of the trees. A squirrel colony will leave slight damage to the tree bark because they are always going back and forth to their food stashes. If you see areas with thin rows of mildly scraped looking bark, you know you're in the right place. The only time you usually find squirrel tracks is when you’re next to water.”

Sasha draws a rough sketch of what their prints look like as she’s speaking. “Squirrels are fast moving, but snares work well in catching them too. They are harder to shoot if you don't have pinpoint accuracy with a gun, so keep that in mind. You also want to use a weaker calibre gun and bullet type for them or you won't leave enough meat to eat. Higher calibre rifles blow them apart. Our blades are the better option, especially with our gear. You do have to be quick and have good reflex skills, but with practice it’s easy. Once you spot a squirrel, you can follow it into the higher branches to kill it.”

By now her talk has sped up in excitement, and Eren nudges against her foot with a smile. “Not that fast, Sasha,” he advises.

“Oh.” She blinks up from the ground and looks around. There’s a gleam in her eyes that reminds Eren of one of her numerous meat stealing campaigns. “All right. Do you have any questions so far?” she asks into the round.

“So we chase the squirrel down using our gear until we manage to kill it,” Sara says. “Won't it fall to the ground and get the meat dirty?”

“If you lop the head off clean, and it hits the ground, the meat won't get spoiled,” Sasha explains. “You field dress it and keep hunting by tying its tail to the outside of your blade box.”

Confusing eyes meet Eren’s, and he sighs. “We haven’t talked about hunting yet, Sasha. They don’t know what dressing is.”

She looks like in shock. “Why not? They need to know this! It’s meat, Eren. Meat!”

He fondly rolls his eyes. “Yeah, yeah.”

“What’s dressing, Instructor Eren?” Sara asks.

Rita clears her throat, and something in the way she’s begun to shift on her place, makes Eren look closer. He follows her eyes that observe Harold, and Eren realises with a sudden jolt of concern, that the kid is pale all the way to his bruises.

Harold was fine when Eren explained slaughtering cattle and other domestic livestock during spring, so Eren had not kept a close enough eye on him during Sasha’s talk. He knows that Harold isn’t stupid. He understands that cows, pigs, chicken, sheep and lambs, goats and staled rabbits will meet their end on a plate someday. Meat is a luxury, a privilege after all. A rare gift.

However, this lecture seems to have had his mind heading towards a very dark place.

“Um,” Eren searches for something to say, while Sasha already begins to answer Sara’s question.

“There are two kinds, actually. There’s field dressing, and full dressing, and–”

“And we will learn about that next time,” Eren intervenes, giving Sasha a small nudge with his elbow. "Why don't you explain to them how to find other food in the forest, Sasha? Like how to tell poisonous berries from edible ones. And mushrooms, perhaps."

"But isn't that boring?" she asks, her whole face set into an expression of plea. "It doesn't move."

"No, it's great." He stares at her, flicking his gaze to Harold's direction, and her eyes widen in understanding.

"Oh, of course.” She relents and redirects her lecture. “Who of you knows some edible mushrooms and their names? I’m sure, Eren already told you a bit during autumn."

With combined effort, Eren and Sasha manage to get Harold back on track, and by the time they head back to HQ, the boy is all smiles again.  

Watching him as he walks next to Rita and Mia, Eren has to admit that he's worried. He knows he can't protect Harold forever. He won't be able to save him from the horrors of this world, and can only be grateful for the fact that Harold hasn't been born to witness the utmost horrors on civilisation. Maybe it would have made Harold strong in the end. But maybe it would have made him a hollow shell. Eren has seen it among the veterans too often, luckily not in his own Squad.

He's seen his share of death, more than Eren will ever need, but sometimes there are worse things than a sudden death for a cause you believe in. He wonders how he could help Harold because he needs to somehow. He can't just stand idly by and send the kid out into the world, unprepared, aside from a concluded Training.

They're already in the outskirts of the city when Mia shoots him a pleading look. Harold crouches down next to her, and Eren mutters a cursed breath at the realisation that something is wrong.

Asking Sasha once more to keep an eye on the others, he hurries over to the small group of three, who have halted next to an old, big fir in the shadow of a house.

"What's wrong, Harold?" Eren asks.

"Hurt," Harold gasps, and something inside Eren cringes. "She's hurt."

He has reached them by now and tries to find what they are all looking at in the midst of brown, rotting foliage.

It's a bird.

A blackbird to be correct, a female one, and she is lying on the soggy vegetation. One wing is spread at an odd angle. She’s blinking, and her chest is heaving in a frenzy, but otherwise, she is entirely stiff and unmoving. In shock, apparently.

"What should we do?" Mia asks, voice smaller than she is as she looks up at Eren with an imploring gaze. "Can you help her?"

Heart sinking, Eren shakes his head. "I don't know how," he admits.

"She must have flown against a window," Mia whispers, blue eyes big and widened.

"We need to bring her home," Harold declares steadily, beginning to untie his cloak. "Before a cat comes and finds her."

"No," Eren says, putting a hand on his arm to stop his movements.

"But Harold only wants to help her!" Rita's voice is firm and nearly accusing. Her features are resolute. "We must do something."

"I didn't mean the helping part," Eren says mildly, unbuttoning his own cloak. "But here, take mine, Harold. I don't feel the cold as much as you do."

"Oh." A faint blush dusts Rita’s cheeks as she looks down at her feet. "Sorry, Instructor Eren."

He smiles. Fierce as her spirit might be, she knows when she stepped over a line. "It's alright," he says.

"Thank you, Sir," Harold says. He picks up the bird with kid gloves, makes sure to add a couple of leaves, and very carefully places her into the green cloth of Eren's cloak before making it into a loose bundle in which she can lay securely. "What do we do now?" he asks.

Eren has no idea. All he knows is he has to make sure this bird will fly again, because letting Harold down is the last thing he wants to do. Especially today.

By now every other Trainee has gathered around them in a neat circle. Even Sasha looks concerned.

"We bring her home," Eren assures him, and Harold gives a relieved sigh.

"Do you know how to help her?" he asks.

Multiple pairs of expectant eyes look up at him, full of plea and hope Eren doesn't want to crush.

"Not yet. But we'll figure something out," he promises, not knowing at all how to do exactly this.

Because who at HQ would know how to vet a bird with what looks like a broken wing?

* * *

 When Eren walks into the Sparrow just before closing time, Hanji is sitting at the counter, talking to Levi over a big mug of steaming coffee.

Levi takes one look at him and reaches for a plate to fill it with a piece of cherry pie. Eren is too hungry to complain today. With all the excitement around Harold, he hasn't been having lunch with the others, and his weekday breakfast has been scarce—non-existent apart from a cup of tea to be precise—too.

"What happened, Eren?" Hanji asks. "And where's your cloak?"

The first bite of cherry pie is downright heavenly, and Eren releases a soft groan at the taste before he explains. "It's with Harold's new dormmate."

Levi, busy with a pot of tea, goes still for a moment.

"Oh?" Hanji smiles. "What is it this time? Not a bat again, surely."

Eren shakes his head, aiming for another bit of invigorating cake. "No, an injured bird."

Hanji pauses and then turns fully to him. "A bird."

Nodding, Eren faces her and feels a warning for caution somewhere in the back of his mind at her expression. It has something wild to it. Something he knows all too well. Something absolutely…exhilarated. "Yes. A blackbird in fact. Female. Broken wing, I suppose."

"Interesting." It’s clear she wants Eren to ask more.

Not knowing if that would be wise, he shoots a brief glance at Levi. Levi is silent, his eyes are narrowed, and Eren’s question to Hanji is accordingly careful.

"How is that interesting?"

Hanji looks at him, then at Levi, who now rolls his eyes at her, and her smile slowly turns into a full beam. “Do you know why this café is called Sparrow?”

“Um…no.” Taking another glance at a frowning Levi, Eren shakes his head and turns back to Hanji. “Why?”

“What an excellent question!” Hanji glows. Her eyes are so engrossed that Eren feels like he’s fifteen years old again and witnessing the full force of her enthusiasm for the very first time.

“Four-eyes,” Levi growls, putting down his cup of tea. His eyebrows are doing this thing again that should warn any sensible person to back off.

She ignores him. "Does the bird have a name yet?"

"Selma," Eren responds, indulging in another bite of luscious, conserved cherries, crumbly pie crust, and comforting clotted cream.

"Of course. And where is Selma the Bird now?"

The sugar already does its job. It settles on Eren’s nerves, and he can feel the tension of the day abate more and more with every second until all that’s left is the usual calmness of this place. "In a cage in Harold's dorm. They managed to dig one up somewhere."

"Do you have a cure yet?" Hanji’s cheeks are glowing, the eyes behind her glasses are almost dreamy, yet insistent.

"No," Eren sighs with concern. "And what do you mean with 'cure'? That bird needs serious help. And…I don't know. A wing cast?"

Hanji grins, and Eren is absolutely certain that she's in glee. "Do you know what you should do?" she asks.

Startled by her enthusiasm, he frowns. "Look for a vet in town?"

"No." She gulps down her scalding coffee in one go which earns her a disapproving scowl from Levi, puts the mug back onto the counter, and wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. "You two boys should talk."

"Tch."

"Huh?" Eren looks at Levi whose expression is completely blank.

"Talk,” Hanji elaborates. “You know that thing when you open your mouth and let words fall out? You should try it sometimes. Works wonders. As for myself, I've got a bird patient to visit." She gathers her coat. "Levi, thanks for the vile coffee. As always, it's been a pleasure. Toodles!"

With the familiar tinkle of the bell, the door closes softly behind Hanji’s cackle, leaving Levi and Eren alone.

Hanji's indicating words still ring in Eren's head, and the anticipation makes his stomach tingle with an inkling of hope—hope that he will be able to tell Harold that everything is okay. Perhaps there's a possible way to fix this so Harold will smile again after all.

"How did he manage to find an injured bird?" Levi asks.

Scratching together some leftover crumbs from the wonderful cherry pie with his fork, Eren shrugs. "She was laying beside the road when we were on our way back to the headquarters after training."

"Her wing is broken?" Levi takes Eren’s plate to reload it, and Eren accepts the second piece of pie with a grateful smile.

Admittedly, today he’s truly is in need of food, yet for a moment there, Eren wonders why it’s always the evenings that make him this hungry that it verges to greedy. He’s never hungry when not with Levi, and somehow he knows, it should concern him more than he lets it. However, Selma is a more pressing issue right now, so the thought gets shoved away.

"Yes, definitely broken," he answers.

Levi nods. "Is she still breathing and flapping?"

"Yes." Sucking on his fork to cherish a new bite of clotted cream and pie, Eren asks himself where Levi is heading to.

"Like mad?” Levi asks. “Or rather lazily?"

"Completely mad." Worry floods Eren from anew.

With endless patience, Harold fed Selma with some water, using a small branch of wood to drop some fluid into her spout. And suddenly she ran riot.

"Good." The smile that spreads on Levi’s face at his words is hesitant but warm.

Eren can’t avert his gaze. "Why is that good?" he asks, almost absentmindedly.

Levi fills tea into a cup and puts it onto the counter. "Because that means it's not too late yet."

"Oh." Eager to warm himself up, Eren reaches for the cup put in front of him. "Thanks."

"Here is what you do." Levi takes a napkin and a pen and begins to draw in blue ink. "You'll have to hold her carefully, but in a way she can't move, because she will want to. Take her wing and use some bandaging tape that won't stick to her feathers to secure it against her body like this." He scribbles something.

Concentrated, Eren frowns at the sketch as he listens to the instructions, determined to remember everything. Slightly leaning forward, he drags in a breath of tea-home-Levi scented air, and takes another deep breath before he realises what he’s doing. He recoils from the source. Wrong, his conscience supplies with a mental kick. Taking a sip of distracting tea, Eren refocuses on Levi’s instructions.

"Make sure the bandaging is firm but not too firm,” Levi says. “She still has to be able to breathe and move a bit, but with the wing keeping its place. Think of the difference of a too tight uniform that you've grown out of and a fitting one. Make it fitting.” His wrist flicks with a few final strokes of his pen, leaving wet and slowly drying streaks of dark blue on white.

"The tape should be tied all around her, make sure it's running in front of her feet, not behind them, and under her good wing so she can still spread and move it. Observe her for a short while to make certain she can walk, move her other wing easily, and has no trouble breathing. Give her water and birdseed daily, and if all goes well, she'll be okay in a few weeks."

Not knowing where exactly the sudden impulse to tease comes from, Eren points at the drawing. "How is this supposed to be a bird?"

Levi shoves the napkin across the counter and puts away his pen. "You still get its meaning, don't you?"

"Yeah."

"Then shut up and heal Selma's wing." Levi looks at him with a faint smirk that makes Eren grin back at the clear grey of his eyes. "Harold will love you for it."

Eren takes the napkin and runs his thumb over the soft paper in relief. "Thank you."

"Hm." Levi takes a sip of his tea. "Dinner?"


	8. Chapter 8

**Seventh of December – A Birdcage**

There’s a certain freshness to the air when Eren leaves Levi’s place that night. It is almost like the sky is alive with hopes and dreams. His stomach is still filled with tea and the onion soup which Levi added roasted bread with grilled, spicy cheese to for dinner.

Eren stayed long this time, nearly as long as he did during his first nights back at HQ a year ago. He’d probably still sit there, cosily curled up in Levi’s leather armchair by the hearth, if not a tawny owl had passed the window with a permeating “hoo hoo!” to remind them midnight already passed.

The napkin with Selma’s drawing rests carefully in Eren’s hand as he walks through the deserted streets. Fortunately, it doesn’t rain or snow. Otherwise, Eren would have to fold it to put it into his pocket. He doesn’t want it to crumple.

Inside his quarters in the sleepy HQ, he gingerly puts the napkin onto the narrow working surface in his kitchen before he puts the kettle on. It might be late, but Eren knows sleep won’t come too easily tonight. A certain energetic buzz flutters too nervously in his guts, filling him with warmth and restlessness.

The dried herbs rustle promisingly in the caddie as Eren fills up a tea sieve. As he pours the boiling water over the flower buds and weeds, the assuaging sweetness of chamomile and lavender spreads in the room. Hopefully, the infusion will ease his stomach too. It’s been churning worryingly since the first bite of cake some good six hours ago, like something violent wriggling against his ribs and throat.

Levi’s drawing pulls his eyes back to the worktop, making him chew on his lip as his stomach performs an especially powerful swoop. It’s silly, he knows it is, but he doesn’t really want to share this sketch and show it to the world on the next morning. Not even to his Trainees.

He’s still pondering about the why when the door opens, unexpectedly quiet.

“This whole algae thing is such an interesting topic,” Hanji mutters, head cast down as she stares into a notebook which looks like one of Armin’s. “I already thought there were different kind of algae depending on the water they grow in. But that there are so many varieties, I didn’t know.”

“Hello Hanji,” Eren greets her, frowning at her appearance as the previous feeling of floating is weighed down by instant worry.

She looks tired and completely in contrast to her earlier, blithely self that Eren met in Levi’s café this evening. Her eyes are red-rimmed, her glasses smudged, and her whole face is slightly puffy. “Have you ever eaten them?” A sniff follows her question.

“No,” he answers, lifting the sieve out of the tea pot. “I never did.”

“Interesting things, these algae,” she says again while her hand reaches up to scratch her head.

“Tea?” Eren asks.

“Hm?” She blinks. “Oh, yes, thank you, Eren. A drink would be lovely.” The chair she pulls away from the table to sit scrapes over the wooden floor.

After fetching her a cup, Eren sifts through his pantry for a dented can with cookies he keeps exactly for this kind of situation. “Armin has been with you again?” he asks, in search for something to say.

“Yes,” she replies with another sniff. “He just left.” Her eyes meet Eren again, blink, and only now focus on him to the full. “What time is it?”

“Around one in the morning,” Eren offers. He pours them both the infusion, then takes his own seat after lighting a second lamp. At night Hanji’s vision is even worse than during the day.

“Oh. He left three hours ago then. I must have zoned out.” Falling silent, she grabs for a cookie with chocolate coating. It crumbles messily as she stuffs it into her mouth, scattering cookie bits on the floor.

Assuming she hasn’t been at dinner after visiting Levi’s, Eren stands again to make her some bread with cheese. It might not be the best choice for her, nor the most nutritious. Yet Eren’s pantry is in need of a restocking, and it beats feeding her nothing but cake and cookies.

“What did you talk about?” Eren asks, roasting three slices of toast carefully over the flame of his stove before spreading them with butter. “Algae?”

“No,” she mumbles through another mouth full of biscuit. “About exploring the world.”

Eren nods. Well, this at least explains her tears. Hanji isn’t a full-out sobbing kind of person, but ever since the war ended, she has fits of tears that fall completely silently, unstoppable, and out of the blue. They mostly come after good moments too, happy moments, as if a cloud would shift over the sun to send some gloom over an otherwise beautiful, bright day.

The slices of hard cheese Eren cuts off are generous, and when he sets the plate in front of Hanji, she sniffs again.

“I wasn’t in the mess hall today?”

“Seems so,” Eren says with a small smile that he hopes is as reassuring and comforting as the scent of roasted bread and butter enveloping them. “Do you need something else?”

“No.” She starts eating.

Satisfied Hanji is eating some proper food, Eren fetches his Trainee Corps notes from that morning to work on. They’ll sit here for a while. Not that he minds.

Hanji is just about to finish her second slice of bread when she speaks again. “Did you take the serum this month?” Her voice is filled with a studied casualness and ease which doesn’t fool Eren one bit.

He looks up from his notes on Fabian’s movements that, according to Sasha’s scratchy handwriting, are ‘swift and precise, yet lacking in instinct.’ Hanji’s brown eyes are regarding him intensely and with a silent plea, he can’t fully retrace.

“I did,” he assures her, holding her gaze. “I always do. You know that.” Contradictory to the accusations Jean used to throw at him, Eren doesn’t consider himself to be the least bit suicidal.

Hanji nods with another sniff and reaches for the last slice of bread on her plate. Her mouth is smudged with butter and bread crumbs. “I’m so glad you’re still here. We both need you more than you know.”

A distinct heaviness clenches around Eren’s heart, rebelling against the still lingering flutter in his belly. He doesn’t see whatever it is that Hanji thinks his presence has changed. He’s never been brave or smart like Armin, or strong as Mikasa, not to mention Levi. He never contributed as much to figuring out Titans as Hanji herself. She insists all her groundbreaking conclusions on Titan science were only possible due to his assistance, yet all Eren did was withstand all of her experiments.

She alone figured out the essence of blue bell flowers causes the negative side effects of being a Titan to stop. Hanji’s serum was one of the major reasons they won the war. Though she doesn’t look like the enthused scientist she was upon making this discovery two years ago right now.

Still, Eren owes her more than he could ever put into words. He also doesn’t know how to ease her sadness, only knows he desperately needs to. “More tea?” he offers.

“Yes, thank you,” she says with another shaky smile.

As he rises from his seat, Eren seizes the opportunity to squeeze her shoulder in a silent thanks. It feels alarmingly frail, as though her bones would give in and break at any moment under his touch.

“You’re so much like him, you know that?” Hanji says while Eren refills the kettle with water.

Puzzled by the statement, Eren turns. “Huh?”

“Levi,” she adds.

Irritation settling over him, Eren stares. He doesn’t see it one bit.

“Were you two able to talk things out today?” Hanji’s eyes are fixed on him, a frown adorning her brow as she cradles her almost empty cup.

“Yes, we were,” Eren says, smiling mildly at the memory and the renewed feeling of optimism. “I know how to help Harold now. Do you know where I can get some non-sticking tape for her wing, by any chance?”

Despite the good news, Hanji’s frown deepens even more as she searches his face, yet she nods in the end. “I have something in my laboratory you can use.”

Eren inhales with gratitude. “Thank you, Hanji.”

Shrugging, Hanji drinks her tea. “Well, I tried, didn’t I?”

Confused by whatever she could mean by that, Eren pulls the whistling kettle off the flame. He infuses a fresh sieve full of herbs, and joins her once more at the table.

* * *

The mist is everywhere. Someone screams.

The screams increase, become louder and louder, accompanied by gear hooks being shot off, blades swishing through the air around him, Eren’s heavy pants, furious yells, and the sound of jaws crunching on bones. His bones.

He keeps on fighting. He has to help. Needs to.

The fog is blinding him though, making the whole world first white, then red, then black.

Sunlight.

Resin is burning in his lungs. Scorching his insides with a traitorous sweetness. Mingling with the scents of summer-dried earth and sweat. Levi orders him to follow Eld and the others, and no matter how much Eren feels his warning scream of protest, he can’t push it out. He agrees.

He tries to prevent what follows. Tries to be quicker than the others, tries to catch up with them to shield them. Unsuccessful.

He tries to beat Annie this time. To fight back with a clear head. To punch her into the ground. To get some answers sooner, so much sooner, so at least other things won’t happen too. Unsuccessful.

He tries to tell Levi everything when he lies in his arms. Yet once more, he can only stare. Stare back into blank, thunderstorm grey eyes as his world shatters into pieces with an unpreventable, resonating “thump!” of a breaking heart.

Shooting up in his bed, Eren gasps for air. His stomach is about to turn over, his pulse is racing, his ragged breaths go harsh in the surrounding silence. Holding his head, he forces the air out of his lungs in a slow, shuddering exhale to drag in fresh oxygen just as slowly. Breathing out. Breathing in.

Breathing out again. As slow and steady as he can.

It takes him a moment to taste the salt and realise his face is wet. Feeling for his pillow with throbbing temples, he senses damp spots there as well. He brushes the hair out of his sweat-sticky face with a silent curse.

Deciding to give up on sleep for the rest of the night, Eren leaves his bed to wash his face. It’s never given him a good rest, and after Hanji’s visit earlier and the telling giddiness he’s been feeling all night, he should have simply stayed awake.

As the kitchen faucet spits out wonderful, cold water, he wonders once again, what everyone means when they say they need him. He’s been nothing but a disappointment ever since he can remember. Even in his dreams, he’s nothing but a failure.

A napkin on the working surface catches his attention, giving him the tiniest flicker of hope, mingling with a piercing twist behind his ribs. Hot tears start to prickle behind his eyelids again, yet now for a different reason. He blinks them away and attempts to disentangle the wild mixture of emotions crawling up his throat.

At least, Levi is still his friend.

Running fresh-dried fingertips over the soft paper to trace the rough yet strikingly elegant lines, Eren swallows hard. He’s never cared about what people think of him, but he’s always cared about Levi’s opinion. Trusted in Levi’s judgement, and followed his lead. If Levi still sees something in him, there must be something left to hold on to. Whatever it may be.

He’s not lost yet. He might not be the hero they all want him to be, but Eren can help Harold to save a bird. That’s good enough.

Determination settling within, Eren takes the napkin and decisively pins it to the kitchen wall with a final brush of his fingers. He might have to swallow his pride and ask Jean for a substitute to show his Trainees, but he doesn’t care. Because one thing is clear: Levi’s drawing will not leave this wall ever again.

* * *

Jean seems to be in a gracious mood since he agrees to help after Eren has knocked at his door. It only takes a question, followed by a shrug on Jean’s side before he invites Eren in without a word, already fetching his art supplies with an enquiring “What exactly do you want?”

“A drawing of a bird with a bandage,” Eren says, closing the door behind him and definitely not being envious about Jean’s composed state after, regarding the pyjamas and slightly tousled hair, having woken up only a moment ago.

“Is this for that kid again?” Jean asks, sharpening one of his pencils with a knife.

Temper compounded by the mere phrasing of Jean’s question, Eren clenches his fists. “His name is Harold. He found an injured bird. I want to help.”

Jean grunts, but begins to draw. “Yeah, I heard. Blackbird, right? Bandage going all around?”

“Yes, but the right wing should be left free so she can spread it.”

Even Eren has to admit the result is perfect. The picture shows a significant amount of detail and, Jean’s rough, powerful lines aside, reminds him of the figures in his father’s old medical books. Jean even added rough scribbles in the corners of the paper to depict further perspectives, and Eren is too grateful at the moment to not appreciate the gesture with a candid “thanks!”

Jean nods. Stretches in his seat. Scowls. “You look like shit. Had breakfast yet?”

“No,” Eren admits.

“Give me two minutes. I’ll come with you.” He stands, grabs his clothes hanging over a chair before giving them a sniff, and disappears into the bathroom without giving Eren any time to object.

* * *

The silence in the classroom is astounding, regarding that it’s packed with a group of antsy teenagers. Eager to treat Selma as quickly as possible, Eren decided to start the day with an animal care lesson, followed by the initially planned resilience training.

Outside the morning sun is rising on a clear blue sky, sending her dim winter light over HQ and its grounds. It filters through the windows and emblazes the room with a misleading warmth. Frost glitters on the trees today. The wind is icy. In here, though, they are sheltered, and they’re all gathered around the teacher’s desk with Selma’s cage, Jean’s drawing, and some medical supplies on the tabletop.

Harold, unsurprisingly the most excited of them all, stands closest to Eren. His eyes nervously dart back and forth between the medical supplies and Selma. His teeth gnaw on his bottom lip, and a rare frown enhances his display of blatant worry. His bruises aren't that black anymore, having faded to a dark purple. Rita is standing close as if to assure him everything will be fine.

It will be fine, Eren thinks, mouth set in a grim line. It has to.

"All right," he begins. "Who can remember the time when Harold sprained his ankle?"

"He stepped into a rabbit hole," Derek supplies.

Eren nods. "Do you also remember how we fixed his foot?"

"With bandages and salve that smelled funny," pipes Mia. She looked worried when she came into the room, but now her eyes lighten up.

"Calendula salve," Rita advises.

"Yes, that's right," Eren agrees with a small flicker of warmth. "This is similar, only that we don't need salve and that we have no bandages. We’ll be using a special kind of tape."

"Why does it have to be special, Sir?" Sara asks. "Is it because Selma is a bird?"

"Yeah, that's the reason why," he explains. "We can't use anything sticky. Most of it won't cling to her feathers anyway because their oily surface would prevent it. And whatever would stick to her feathers, like gauzy bandages that could get caught up in them, would irritate and maybe even hurt her. And we don't want that, do we?"

They all agree with approving mumbling and a collective shaking of heads.

"This is why we will use this tape to secure her injured wing to her body in a way she can't move it." He holds the roll up, lets it go from hand to hand, and explains what they are about to do and how. To point out what should be paid attention to so they can ensure Selma will heal properly, he shows them Jean’s drawing, letting it go around as well.

"And she will fly again like this?" Harold asks, his voice filled with hesitant hope.

"Well, she will have to keep the tape on for a few weeks and hop around in the cage,” Eren says. “But birds' wings heal more quickly than our bones do, so she will be able to use her wings again at about the end of the month."

Concordant sighing.

Eren smiles. "Harold, would you like to hold her or do you think you can apply the tape yourself?"

Brown eyes hesitant and surprised, Harold looks up at Eren. "I could?"

"Sure," Eren assures him. "She is your patient after all."

Harold’s excitement is almost palpable, the cautiousness, however, remains. "Will you help me if I do something wrong?"

Smiling, Eren nods. "Of course. But I'm certain you'll do great."

With his lips tight in determination, Harold takes a bracing breath and nods.

He does a great job. Of course, he does.

Selma, thus far relatively quiet and calm, complains and flaps wildly as soon as they open the cage door. Eren reaches for her, slowly so he doesn't frighten or hurt her even more, and cautiously closing his hands around her, he gets her out.

Her brown feathers are soft. Going by the thickness of her down, she's already in her winter coat. She crows in disapproval of the treatment. Her feet paw shortly and feel funny on Eren's palms, but he holds her as firmly as he dares. She is so fragile and warm in his hands and he feels her tiny, quickening heartbeat that's spurred on by the excitement and fright. His own heart speeds up in anxiety too.

At least the Trainees are as silent as he instructed them to.

"I think I've got her," he assesses. "You can start, Harold. Move slowly so she knows you mean well."

“Okay.” Harold's fingers are cold with worry as he begins to apply the tape, but his movements are confident and gentle.

"She's so small," Mia whispers next to the both of them. "You've got really big hands, Sir."

"Well, thank you," Eren mumbles, looking at his hands that to him are perfectly fine and have never been of any interest to him up until now.

"Is this tight enough, Sir?" Harold asks.

Eren tentatively moves his fingers to check the tightness of the tape. It's firm, but only steadying enough so that she'll still have enough room to breathe. "I think it's good, actually, yes."

"Good."

Harold fixes the tape and Eren tells the Trainees to make some room so he can let Selma down on the floor. They all comply and sit around her in a loose circle. While Selma hops around in their midst and adjusts to her new dress, Eren wonders when and where Levi has learned how to mend a broken bird's wing. He is once again amazed by how Levi really seems to know everything.

Or at least everything that is important.

Levi has helped him so much ever since Eren started teaching. He gave steadying advice during the first days when Eren thought—feared even—that one wrong move on his side would ruin the kids right from the start. Levi gave Eren tips on how to handle certain situations, yet always refrained from ordering Eren what he must do. On the contrary. Levi always gave advice in a way that made Eren think of possible solutions for himself. It made him learn from the situation as well in the end and gave him a good foundation to rely on.

Watching Selma hop swiftly across the floor, Eren realises this has always been how Levi has taught him. Or any of them, really. Not everyone would have let them make their own choices and mistakes, and showed them how to stand behind them. It was a rare gift, and with each passing day, Eren appreciates Levi’s guidance all the more.

He still knows why he left to see the world two years ago. Yet, sometimes Eren wonders how he even got through these eight months. Without Levi, life wasn’t really the same.

"You said you didn't know how to do it, Sir," Harold says quietly.

"Hm?" Cut off from his reverie, Eren’s head jerks up.

Harold’s previous anxiousness for Selma seems to have lifted, and though a blatant worry endures, Harold looks more relaxed than before. "Yesterday,” he adds. “When we found her you said you didn't know how to help her."

Eren nods, straightening up on the floor. "That's right. But I talked to a friend and he could help me."

"That's good." Harold sighs.

"Was it Captain Levi?" Rita booms, and cringes under Eren's warning glance. "Sorry, Sir," she whispers. "Was it?"

Knowing he's got the unshared attention of the whole First Training Corps now, Eren tries to wind his way out of the question. "You're a menace, Rita. You know that? And perhaps."

"It was him." She grins with knowing eyes. “How was tea yesterday evening?”

That little bugger.

"Is it true he was a thug once, Instructor Eren?" Mia asks with a curious tilt of her head.

"I heard he is from the Underground and has had no training at all," one of Derek’s friends chips in.

"Don't be daft, Percy," Rita snorts and rolls her eyes. "Of course he's had training. He's the best!"

Eren chuckles to himself with a shake of his head. Seems the rumours about Levi’s rise to fame have never stopped rolling around. He's saved from being interrogated any further or looking for ways to evade their questions when Selma chirps in their midst.

"Well, she seems to be fine." Rising up to his feet, Eren collects a slightly startled Selma before carefully putting her back into her cage. "Well done, Harold."

The boy beams, and Rita boxes his shoulder with a grin.

"Okay, folks,” Eren says as he closes the cage’s door, ensuring it’s locked properly. “You've got fifteen minutes to bring her back to the dorm and then I want you all outside on the training parkour, in full gear. Understood?"

They salute in unison. "Yes, Instructor Eren."

Smiling, Eren watches them hasten off. He knows he's not really following military protocol with his education methods, but as long as he isn't infringing any of them either, he can't bring himself to care. Levi has certainly never stuck to all the rules either. He mostly let them run free as long as they showed up for training as they were supposed to, did good work, and showed results in their duties.

Admittedly, they'd already been fully trained soldiers by then, but Eren truly doesn't want to be a second Shadis. Hanji knows about his way of teaching and she is fine with it, which is all Eren has to know to continue like he does.

Things probably will get different again anyway when the new Trainees will arrive. A new Corps, certainly a new Instructor to teach them too. The last time Eren asked Hanji, she still was searching for someone.

He wipes the table, mops the floor clean of their visit, and then makes his way out to the training grounds as well.

* * *

After Rita’s curious questions, it shouldn’t be too much of a surprise that Eren enters the Sparrow this evening, only to see her, Mia, and Harold sitting at the counter. By the satisfied grin on Rita’s face, Eren can tell she’s been setting out to meet him here.

“Hello, Instructor,” she greets him, patting the remaining empty bar stool next to her. “We thought we’d come to spy on you today. Come sit with us.”

At her words, and Eren’s following snort, Mia flushes. “Sorry, Instructor Eren, Sir.”

“It’s all right, Mia,” Eren assures her with a smile, taking the proffered seat.

“I hear, you saved a bird today,” Levi says as he hands Eren a plate with streusel cake.

“Actually, Harold did,” Eren replies, smiling at Harold, who beams at the praise.

“It was so cool!” Rita makes a little hop in her seat, her eyes fixed on Levi. “He even had a drawing with him.”

“Did he now?” Levi lifts an eyebrow at Eren, who moves his left hand to indicate a shake of his head.

“Jean,” he explains, and once more can’t help a little push. “He can draw, you know?”

Grey eyes flickering, Levi clicks his tongue. “So I gathered.”

Eren has the suspicion if they were alone now, he’d have gotten some well-chosen insult for this comment of his. Shithead, probably, or something similarly endearing. Like this, he only basks in Levi holding back the words and grins knowingly.

“Jean. He is the one who drew this, isn’t he, Sir?” Mia points at the drawing behind the counter.

“He is,” Eren says.

“Is that you, Sir?” Harold asks. “The one in the middle?”

He nods. “I am.”

Rita grins at Levi, who merely sighs. Eren lifts a questioning eyebrow, but now it’s Levi’s turn to make a negating gesture with his hand, whilst tending to this evening’s tea. He almost looks hesitant. Eren wonders what it’s about, but the thought gets interrupted by Harold.

“Is the ocean really this big?” he enthuses. He’s enjoying a piece of streusel cake too, yet due to the conversation, it seems to be forgotten. “It looks so great!”

“It is,” Eren says, taking a bite of his piece of pastry. Humming at the flavour, he is once more amazed by Norman’s talents. He’s only met him in the Sparrow a couple of times. A tall, massive man with red and silver streaked hair and a shiny beard that’s as fiery a red. Blue kind eyes and a warm, cordial smile that matches his wife’s. His cakes, however, Eren eats every day, and they are always delicious. Despite his knowledge that Levi won’t settle for anything less than perfect for his café, Norman still keeps on amazing them both with his offerings. His bagels and bread are heavenly too.

“I’ve been reading the books and notes your friend gave me,” Harold says, his voice pulling Eren back from his musings. “They are so great! Have you seen ocean animals too? I read about crabs. I liked his sketches of them. They look funny. A bit like spiders.”

Eren chuckles. “Yes, I did. And they truly do look like spiders, huh? They walk funny too.” He smiles at Harold’s inquisitive beam. “Sideways,” he explains.

“Really?” The kid’s eyes are wide and full of enthusiasm. “I haven’t read that part yet. Why do they do that?” he asks.

Startled by the question, Eren stops in his movements, fork with a new bite of cake in mid-air. “I don’t know,” he admits. “Why do you walk forward?” he asks back before relishing in buttery, sugary crumbles, combined with fruity marmalade.

Harold shrugs and squints his bruised eyes, thinking. “I don’t know. Because I can’t look to my sides without turning my head?” he suggests.

Levi smiles.

Grinning back at him, Eren doesn’t have to look at the cup of tea Levi has put before him to know its content. The short preparation time alone indicates it’s Gunpowder, and the scent already rises up his nose too. “Thanks.”

“Do you miss the exploring, Sir?” Harold asks, beginning to tend back to the nearly untouched cake on his plate.

“Not really, no,” Eren confesses.

“Why not?” comes the immediate reply.

“Because he likes it here,” Rita chips in with a shit-eating grin before Eren has the chance to answer. “Don’t you?” The “Sir,” she adds comes a bit too late.

Instead of scolding her, Eren makes do with a warning look that, though doing nothing on intimidating her, at least makes her grimace an apologetic half-smile. “You don’t?” she adds, voice somewhere between sheepish and hopeful.

“Of course, I do. What would I do without you being a pain in my neck every day?” Eren says, gently, though not too gently, boxing her shoulder to affirm her he’s not really mad.

Levi snorts.

“I would have continued,” Harold says. “The world is beautiful!”

Eren smiles, and drinks his tea.

* * *

“Is she this cheeky in class too?” Levi asks as he joins Eren in their usual place next to the window front half an hour later.

"Make an educated guess," Eren offers, grinning. Shifting on his chair, he pulls in his previously stretched out legs to make room for Levi.

Sitting, Levi snorts.

"I've already been wondering when they'd show up here again,” Eren says, reaching out for his cup with his second filling of the Gunpowder. The café is already cleaned up and closed, and the familiar stillness settles over him as he drinks. “Rita worships you."

Levi lifts an eyebrow. "Seems like you're her true hero these days, though."

Eren snorts into his steaming tea. "Yeah, right. Never mind helping to win a war or anything, but healing a bird for her friend? That's truly something."

Behind Levi's cup, grey eyes crinkle in a warm smile that's not completely gone again when he emerges from it.

Eren remembers Armin's comment about Levi laughing much too less and thinks Armin is right with that, but also wrong. "Thanks again,” he says. “I owe you for that."

"I'm glad I remembered how to do it,” Levi says. “It's been a while."

Perking up with curiosity, Eren frowns. "You treated an injured bird once, too?"

"No. But I was there when a friend did."

“Oh,” Eren says, as something in his mind clicks into place. In the midst of napkins, tea, and shared smiles he completely forgot about Hanji’s hint yesterday, but now it’s back. “Was that a sparrow? Is that why…” He gestures at the painted letters on the window front.

Levi’s eyes fixate on him for a few seconds before he answers. “Partly.”

Eren nods. "Well, I'm glad your friend showed you how to do it."

"Hm." Levi looks out of the window and the darkness from outside reflects in his eyes in a way that tells Eren what happened to that friend.

He doesn't want to press for explanations of how it happened. In the end, they all fell in the same way. For a brief, sickening moment, Eren thinks it was someone from his first Squad as his dreams come back to him in vivid images and scents. Then again, if that was the case, Levi probably would have said their name. So it must be someone Eren doesn’t know. He wonders who that friend might have been and what exactly they had meant to Levi. He also wonders how Levi deals with all the losses he’s had over the years.

Eren himself has raged, yelled, and thrown himself into work and training, ambitiously aiming for getting stronger. Determined to become capable to protect the ones he cares about. He's grateful they've succeeded in the end.

He only wishes they would have been quicker. Even stronger. Wiser. All of them, but most of all himself. On the other hand, he's still got Armin and Mikasa. And Connie and Sasha. Hanji. Even Jean, though he's still a pain in the arse sometimes. And Levi.

Levi has no one from his younger days.

It must be lonely.

"Harold's bruises look bad," Levi says into the silence.

In an attempt to redirect his thoughts, Eren clears his throat. "Yeah. At least his nose is healing already."

"He truly knows how to catch them, huh?"

Shooting a quick glance at Levi's own set of dark circles under his eyes, Eren nods. "Yeah, I suppose he does."

A faint frown appears on Levi's brow. "I wonder how he ended up in the military."

Eren shrugs. "According to his records, he just wants to see the world. Armin was the same. He would have done everything to go out there."

"Mm." Levi takes a sip of tea.

Thinking about the look on Harold's face when he's found Selma and his beaming smile through pain when he's told Mia about the fox, Eren knows the ambition fits him. But he also knows the world outside isn't safe. They still know too less about what is out there. It's never been true that all people are kind.

"He worries me," Eren admits after a while.

"Mm," Levi hums again.

Desperate to help his Trainee, Eren continues. "He has to go out there in two years and during survival lessons yesterday he nearly fainted when Sasha talked about hunting squirrels. He is a good kid, but that doesn't change anything about what we do here."

Levi shoots him a small, questioning frown. "Didn't you give them survival training before?"

Pulling on his hairband and ruffling through his loose strands, Eren sighs. "Of course. But until now it was mostly the general stuff, like moving silently through the woods, orientation, tracking, making a fire and building a shelter if you don't have any. I was planning on teaching about the food and hunting part next year."

Running his thumb over his tea cup, Levi nods. It’s always been good talking to him. Easy somehow. He never interrupts and he always listens. He’s always helped Eren too. "It could have been worse than squirrels though, couldn't it?” Levi offers. “Imagine Sasha talking about roasting rabbits and how they look like cats."

Eren aims a harmless kick at Levi's good shin, but smiles. "Seriously. I just don't know what to do with him. He understands animals can be food and all. He's fine with livestock and farm animals getting butchered for dinner. He understands the concept, but apart from that, he is strangely naive. And going by his reaction when he finds an injured animal I need to make sure he is prepared to help his friends if something happens to them." Eren frowns, frustrated. "When I was his age…"

He shakes his head. Thinking about what could have happened to Mikasa that day still makes him angry, and he swallows it down.

"Take him fishing," Levi says after a short pause.

Bewildered by the suggestion, Eren looks up. "Huh?"

Levi sets down his cup. "Fish are different. They're cold-blooded animals. Maybe he won't relate so much. Make them stick up worms on hooks and prepare the fish on a campfire with wild herbs. Choose a lake or river in which the fish aren't too big and scary. He won't like it, probably, but he'll be okay. And if not, you can think of something else when you know what to expect."

"Hm. He did catch insects for Frank,” Eren thinks out loud.

"It's worth a try." Levi gives a barely noticeable shrug, and Eren inhales with relief.

He doesn't know what he would do without Levi. He's so great.

Which is a perfectly normal thing to think of a friend. And of course, they help each other out. They always have. It's what friends are for, just like Armin has said. Armin is pretty great too. Eren has definitely no confusing feelings for Armin whatsoever. So why does everybody think he and Levi have to be different? It makes no sense.

He stares into his tea, trying to find a solution for at least one of his questions on the bottom of his cup.

Harold. He has to think about Harold.

Isn't there a small trout pond not far from here? Connie said something like that this morning. They could make it a camp night. And he could combine it with a lesson about stellar constellations and how to orient oneself at night. The tea is good again tonight. One of his favourites. Levi always seems to know the right tea to choose for each day.

Levi has small hands. Small and strong. Skilful. Kind. Rough and smooth and warm.

Harold!

Harold, Harold…pond…

When Levi asks him about dinner, Eren has already begun to make a plan about fishing.


	9. Chapter 9

**Eighth of December – A Guiding Star**

"It's a great idea, Eren. I love it." Hanji beams.

After talking to Connie and Sasha at breakfast, Eren wasted no time and went to her office to tell her about his plan and get her permission to carry it out.

"What do you need?” she asks. “Fishing rods, gear, and tents, I assume?"

"Gear and tents, yes. The usual Scout equipment without the horses and carriages, though. No fishing rods." He grins.

She beams back. "Are you doing what I think you're doing?"

"Probably."

"Wonderful. When do you want to leave then?"

"As soon as possible," he says. Apart from the fact that he honestly is looking forward to this, there is a tiny voice in his head telling him the sooner he leaves, the sooner he’ll be back again. He frowns at the thought before he discards it.

"Of course." Hanji leans back in her chair, still smiling.

"I was thinking about tomorrow," Eren says.

Her smile drops as she shakes her head. "No. Absolutely not."

Despite his better judgement and his loyalty towards Hanji on top of that, Eren bristles. "Why?"

Hanji sighs. "Tomorrow is Friday. What means you'll still be on your way on Saturday. Remember last week when we agreed on you slowing down for once, and me not giving you any work on the next weekends? It wasn't a suggestion, Eren."

Oh. That's right. In his excitement and plans making he's completely forgotten about that.

"But next week will be too late." He knows neither pleas nor protests will change her mind, yet can’t help but press forward. "Connie and Sasha will be leaving again and they wanted to accompany me. Also, there's no snow yet and the milder weather would be perfect. There's even supposed to be a clear sky the next two days."

Hanji is quiet for a moment. "Did you check that already?" she asks eventually.

Glad his years of service have taught him to always be well-prepared, temper or not, he agrees with. "Yes."

"Connie and Sasha agreed?" Hanji asks after another short pause.

Eren nods. "Yes."

She observes him through her thick glasses, and he holds the gaze. Then she leans forward again to rest her elbows on her desk.

"What about a new agreement?" she suggests.

"What kind of an agreement?" He frowns in suspicion. Knowing Hanji, the caution is advisable. She’s been a good Commander to them, but sometimes her approaches in small and important things alike are odd at best.

She grins. "I'll give you the permission to do this trip tomorrow. On the condition that you will make sure to be back by noon on Saturday and that on Monday, you and your Trainees will take a day off."

What? He hadn't thought it to be that easy to convince her. He hadn't thought to be able to change her mind at all.

Her smile turns mild as she rests her head on her hands. "No need to look so surprised, Eren. It really is a good plan. We all know this boy needs help. He's lucky to have you."

"It was Levi's idea," Eren says lightly.

“Was it?” She beams, sudden interest flickering in her eyes. “Why am I not surprised. How did that talk go?”

"Erm, as always?" He shrugs, slightly disconcerted by her question. “We were talking about Harold.”

Hanji sighs. "Sometimes I think he misses the teaching. But then I sit in his café and it simply fits, don't you think?"

She’s right, Eren thinks. The image of Levi in his café comes to his mind, and something in his chest swells with warmth. "Yeah." He smiles.

"I only wish I could borrow him from his retirement for next year if I'm honest," Hanji admits with clear regret in her voice. “A shame, really.”

Eren frowns. "You still haven't found a new Instructor yet?"

"No.” She scratches the back of her head. “If I don't have one until Monday, I'll get one assigned, even though I'd rather not. I had one candidate, but he decided for the Military Police after all. They're all bonkers. Given the military that's a whole new scale of an insult, let me tell you."

Eren snorts. That has been clear to him from the moment they kicked Levi out of the military as quickly as they could.

"So." She grins. "Do we have a deal? You can tell Harold I'll look after his lovely patient."

* * *

"Instructor Eren, Sir," Mia asks with a white puff of breath in the cool air. "Why did you say we are collecting long branches today?"

He smiles. Somehow this project is giving him a new purpose and it's exhilarating and motivating more than he would have suspected.

They are in the woods again, accompanied by Sasha and Connie, and just made halt at a small clearing. "Because we will make some fishing rods with them," Eren explains.

"What for?" Percy asks with a curious frown.

"For fishing, of course," Sasha says. She walks to Eren’s left, her ponytail whipping with every step, her eyes clear an expectant. "Sometimes you will be away and have nothing to eat. You could always hunt, sure, but fishing is easier."

"But couldn't we just eat berries and stuff?" Percy asks. "You know? Like you told us a few days ago?"

"Yes, that's right," Sasha explains with a smile. "But what do you do in the winter when there's nothing growing or when it's snowing and some animals are in hibernation during that time? You'll have to find something to eat then too. And you can't solely live on rations. They only get you so far and take up space on the wagons."

"Is it true you've been away for almost one whole year, just like Instructor Eren?" Harold asks, eyes wide and alight with awe.

Sasha nods. "Yes. Two times, actually."

"Cool!" he cheers and looks at Rita.

She grins back at him.

Eren hasn't told them yet what exactly they will do on the next day. One thing at a time, he thinks. The first thing on his list is making the rods.

"All right, listen," Eren raises his voice so they can all hear him, and they fall silent. "We are going to need living branches from trees. You see how tall I am?"

Collective nodding.

"Each one of you will search for one branch that is about as long as I am tall and about as thick on the thicker end as your big toe."

They all look at their feet.

"There's no need to take your shoes off," Eren hastens to elaborate. "It's just a guideline for you."

"What about the side branches and stuff, Sir?" Rita asks. "Wouldn't they be in the way?"

"We'll cut them off,” he explains. “That's why I told you to bring your knives."

"Can't we use branches from the floor, Sir?" Sara asks.

"No," Eren answers. "We need living wood because it is supple. The pole needs to bend when you catch a fish so the rod won't break. Break the branch off the tree though, instead of using your knives. Don't climb if you don't have to. There should be enough branches within your reach."

Mumbling.

"Any other question?" Eren asks into the round.

They fall silent, and some of them shake their heads.

He smiles. "Let's go then."

They salute and scatter off. Eren, Sasha, and Connie begin to approach a group of nearby trees for three fitting branches of their own.

"So, Hanji gave you permission?" Sasha asks with a little skip in her pace.

"She did," Eren says, feeling nothing but gratefulness for her shared excitement. "We can go tomorrow. Thank you for doing this for me. It means a lot."

She grins. "You're welcome."

"I still don't get why we let them make self-made rods though," Connie says, rubbing his freshly healed arm. The cast has come off the day before. "Isn't it easier to just use the ones we have?"

Eren shakes his head. "It's easier, yes, but I want them to know what to do if they don't have anything except their knife. It can happen. They should be prepared."

Connie nods in understanding. "Oh. I didn't think of that."

"Was this whole thing truly Captain Levi's idea?" Sasha asks.

"The fishing part, yes." Eren halts at a beech. "I think this one is good." Testing the flexibility of a low branch, Eren nods. "A bit long though," he mumbles to himself.

He begins breaking it off the tree. Then he shortens it by holding the branch against the tree trunk and kicking one end off. Examining the result, he nods once more. Yes, better.

"Armin said you're having dinner with him every night," Sasha says, working on a branch of her own. “With Captain Levi, I mean.”

"Yeah, that's right." His answer is accompanied by an immediate sinking sensation.

It only occurs to Eren now that he won’t have dinner with Levi tomorrow. Again. Counting in Armin’s return, that makes two times in a week; the same number as missed meals for the past year. The realization sends an odd jolt of heaviness through him.

Sasha chuckles. "Did you know there are rumours everywhere about you two having a fling?"

Instantly the good mood which has been rushing through Eren’s veins all day is gone. His chin jerks up while the hairs rise in his nape, and his hands turn cold with sweat.

"I’ve heard about people assumptions, yes. But no, we don't. We're friends," he insists and concentrates on another branch that completely deserves to be the aim of all his irritation. Or something.

"Connie and I are friends too," Sasha says with a shrug. "That doesn't stop us. And to be honest, you two always look like you are together."

Horrified, Eren whips around. “What?”

Opposed to his personal inner state, Sasha’s face is a picture of carefreeness. “You always sit close, you always move in unison. Plus you smile at the same things, and seem to smile more when you’re together. You certainly look smitten with each other too.”

Heart hammering against his ribcage, Eren gapes. What is she saying?

“Oh, shit.” Sasha’s eyes widen at his expression. “Don’t tell me you didn’t know. It’s so obvious to the rest of us!”

Eren shakes his head. “No,” he grinds through gritted teeth, his feet taking a step forward on their own. “No! You’re wrong. It’s not like that!”

She remains where she stands, not shying away from his intrusion into her personal space one bit. “Don’t you think about him a lot? Don’t you have butterflies in your stomach?” Her hands fly up in the air as if to grasp for more points to throw at him. “Don’t you feel funny when he’s close? And safe?”

Breath going heavy, Eren fights to remain calm as the floor beneath him seems to shift, and the air burns coldly on his heated face. In an attempt to control his sudden trembling, his hand clenches tight around the stick until the telling tingle of healing flesh sets in. He wants to snap something back at her, anything, but forming words seems to have become an entirely foreign concept.

"Sash?” Connie says softly. “Let it be.”

"What?" she asks, whirling around to face her boyfriend. "Why?"

"Because not everyone is the same.” Connie’s voice is calm. “Just because you and me are fine, doesn't mean everyone else would be as well. And dude.” He turns to Eren with a frown. “Your eyes are blue. Are you all right? Calm down, will you."

Blinking in bewilderment, Eren gives himself a little shake. “Oh,” he mutters. Just as quickly as his anger rose, it dissipates into a hot wave of shame. He takes a step back, lowering his head. “Sorry.” He didn’t want to lash out at Sasha. She didn’t deserve it for pointing out base rumours and wanting to help. It’s not her fault he’s incapable of controlling his temper, or himself entirely for that matter.

“Nothing to worry,” Sasha says.

“Yeah,” Connie agrees. “But seriously, Eren, is everything okay? Because, if you need someone to talk, we’re here for you, man.”

Sasha nods.

“Thank you.” Not quite able to meet their gazes yet, Eren reaches for a weak smile. “I know.” Although he doesn't need it, he is grateful for their support. He wants to apologise again, but is interrupted by approaching feet that rustle over the forest floor, demanding his attention.

"Instructor Eren, Sir?" Mia's call comes from a few feet behind them as she and her two friends trot closer, each of them carrying a piece of wood. "We found some limbs. Are these all right?"

They hold out their branches.

"Yes, they're fine, Mia,” Eren says on a shaky breath. The air is still coming too short, and it’s like his heartbeat comes from within the forest itself in deafening blows. “You can go to the meeting spot. We’ll be right there with you."

They spend the next hours whittling their branches into shape and tying finishing lines around the rods. Meanwhile, Eren tells his Trainees how to use vines instead should they ever be without fishing line or sewing thread.

After completing their poles, the students are sent in search for small, v-shaped pieces of wood before Connie shows them how to cut them into makeshift hooks.

He also explains how to look under stones for bait. "Turn them over and even at this time of the year you might be able to find something,” he says. “You can use crickets or grubs, but I prefer worms."

"Don't birds like worms too?" Harold asks, looking at Sasha.

"Yes, they do," she agrees with a smile.

"Do you want to collect a few for Selma?" Rita asks and Harold nods. "We will help you. Come on, Mia."

At least this part seems to be going great so far, Eren supposes with a relieved smile as the trio hurries off to search for stones in the rustling foliage. Three friends in green, wing-embroidered cloaks.

Friends…

Tying a wooden hook to a stubborn vine, Eren ponders about Sasha’s accusations. Is it true what she said? Does he really look smitten with Levi? Surely not. What did she mean with butterflies in his stomach? He’s been having nausea lately, but that isn’t really the same, is it? Not that anyone actually could have butterflies there.

What would it even mean to be ‘together’ anyway? Sex, probably. Sharing a bed at night, too, and their lives as well. Still, Levi and he already do that last part in several ways. Could it be that it isn’t enough, that Eren wants more? He swallows at the images that instantly flood his inner vision.

Levi moving over him, naked and warm, gaze behind his dark strands engrossed and longing. Then sprawled out on a bed, cock hard, red, and glistening in his lazily pumping hand, eyes half-closed, swollen lips parting at a gasp. Another one with Levi in his kitchen, frowning quietly over a pot of soup. Eren himself, stepping closer to embrace him from behind, nuzzling into his scent with closing eyes.

Somewhere behind Eren’s ribs, something unfamiliar twists into a sharp, rebellious shard of pain. It’s odd really. By now he is used to all kinds of images of Levi springing out at him unexpectedly, day and night alike. Yet no matter how much he’s mastered in locking the recollections of their one night stand and other lucid dreams away, that last image is new. It’s so brand new, and so disarmingly harmless, that Eren doesn’t know what to do with it, other than curiously holding onto that stupendously simple scene in his mind until it feels like he’s actually a part of it.

His eyes close on their own. The peaceful impressions of Levi’s small kitchen envelop him, wood, tea, soap, and sweet onion soup, and a firm, strong frame in his arms, pressing closer until they’re both two of a single piece. One calm heartbeat later, the image is slipping out of his grasp, unseizable like a patch of light, as the cold, damp forest comes back to Eren’s senses along with a feeling of loss he can’t explain.

He thought he’d never want that. Intimacy, being allowed to hold someone, to love someone, and maybe even be loved in return, never was a prospect for him. Besides, it’s good how things are these days with Levi.

On the other hand, Levi has always been more to him than ‘just a friend.’ If Eren had to find a term for their relationship, he’d say Levi is simply Levi. There’s no fitting word for him beyond that, though it seems too little. Levi is more than his name. Levi is everything Eren isn’t. Not perfect, no. Human. The best human. Eren’s favourite human.

It still seems not enough.

Staring at the nearly completed fishing rod in his hands, Eren frowns. What exactly is Levi to him?

While this final question hounds Eren through the rest of the day, the kids are busy with packing. They've been trained to know what they will need. It's already standard procedure for them, so Eren watches with a growing amount of pride over how they manage to gather everything on their own within minutes.

They are only doing a short trip. They already have been sent out on training missions on their own. They’ve even already done some shorter exercises with camping. Still, they sense this will be a bit different and radiate an anticipation which is omnipresent. It still hums through HQ when Eren leaves it in the evening.

He isn't surprised to find out Levi has already heard about his arrangement with Hanji.

"Is everything prepared for the big trip?" Levi asks, sitting in his corduroy armchair.

They just started to play chess, with the fire crackling next to them in the hearth. Its flickering glow paints the room in warm colours, sending a wonderful comfort all the way to Eren’s bones until the world outside has no real meaning anymore.

"Apart from a few small things, yes,” he answers.

Levi hums, and the stillness settles over Eren. The chair he’s sitting in hugs him from behind, and there’s no other place he’d rather be.

Whatever Levi is or isn’t, Eren will miss this tomorrow. All of it.

Which has nothing to do with anything.

Decisively tucking his feet tighter into the sitting cushion of the leather seat, Eren leans forward to make a move on the board. He can already see he's fighting a losing battle here. Despite his undeniable contentment, his mind has been all over the place from the moment he stepped into the café. In addition, his stomach is running riot again too. It’s not even entirely unpleasant, almost reminding Eren of flying, reaching the highest point of a swing with a cheerful swoop from deep within. Only repeatedly, endlessly. It’s churning. Fluttering.

"When will you leave?" Levi asks, regarding the chessboard with a little frown. It looks relaxed today, Eren thinks. A neutral, ponderous frown.

Fighting to keep his breath even, Eren snuggles deeper into the shelter of his seat cushion. "Directly after breakfast, so we can seize the daylight hours."

Levi nods. "You already made rods today?"

"Yeah,” Eren answers. “It went well."

"Vines?"

He nods. "Yes, and a few with fishing line too."

Golden-grey emblazed eyes meet Eren's. There’s something in the firelight that has always had a certain effect on Levi’s face. Soft has never been a word for Levi, yet he looks warmer like this, with the usually pale skin shining in the flare, like under a slight flush. Due to the dancing shadows, his features appear more angular too. The muscles of his exposed forearms more defined. It makes Levi appear even stronger and like something Eren desperately wants, always has wanted if he’s honest. He shouldn’t have these thoughts, but all right, here they are. Eren wants to unravel him. Wants to slip under that stoic facade to lay bare what’s underneath. He wants to kiss Levi until he falls apart, and grip him by his hair, make him hiss, and gasp, and breathe Eren’s name, and–

"Any worm-related problems yet?" Levi asks.

Fingers curling painfully into the flesh of his legs, Eren forces his eyes away from Levi’s lips. He swallows. The answer is somewhere in his head, and yet it takes him a second too long to find it.

Shaking his head, Eren offers an unsteady smile. "No. Harold collected some for Selma and even let Connie show him how to put them onto hooks."

"Hm." Levi moves his castle. "You'll be fine tomorrow."

Eren blinks. Levi isn't the one to make promises or assurances for a purpose of false hope. He's nearly brutally honest this way, what is one of the reasons why Eren trusts him so much. With his life, his heart, his everything.

If Levi says things will be fine, he already knows they will.

"What makes you think that?" Eren rasps.

"Just a feeling," Levi says, expression mild and calm.

Looking into Levi's firm eyes is always so steadying and reassuring, Eren notices. It's like walking around in the cold night, aimlessly and lost, to finally see the North Star and find the safest way back home.

Levi truly is great. So great.

 _“You complete each other,”_ Armin said. He is right.

Eren doesn't know how he could handle losing Levi.

He also doesn't know how to handle this realisation that hits him out of nowhere like a bat upside the head. His chest suddenly hurts, his lungs empty out with a soundless wheeze, and his world seems to topple over.

_“You certainly do look smitten too. Don’t tell me you didn’t know.”_

Oh, please, no!

He wishes it wouldn't occur to him here, in all places of the world. At Levi's flat. In Levi's chair. Which smells like him—oh, god, it smells like him!—and there is no possible way for Eren to hide, because Levi is here, in his lungs, under his skin, and in person in this very room, looking right at him with his usually so steadying eyes, that now make Eren's heart swoop like an idiot. Worst of all, Levi has no clue his friend is falling, shattering into pieces, right in front of him.

Desperate for at least something to hide behind, Eren latches onto his cup of tea and can do nothing, absolutely nothing, to prevent the undeniable completion from shooting up his spine, bursting in his stomach, and swarming about in wriggling warmth. Longing tingles through his veins, sharp and sweet, settles on every one of his nerve endings, and it takes every bit of willpower he has to remain seated, to stay put, to not let anything on. A groan wants to rip him apart. His hands ache with loneliness. His chest twinges. His breath comes too short.

Levi regards him with a deepening frown, and Eren jolts his gaze away and down to the chessboard. He has no clue at all what he's supposed to do, no clue where to look or what to say.

He stays as silent as he can stand it, sensing the rebellious tension in him tear at his insides as they continue their game of chess. And when he flees for his own home much, much later that night and yet too soon simultaneously, it feels like he's leaving behind his heart in Levi's most favourite chair.

He flops down on his bed, finally able to hide his face in his pillow, and groans. This is utterly terrifying, tremendous, dreadful, and wonderful. He feels so full of happiness that he might burst if he doesn't scream it out into the world.

"Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!"

This time there is no way to deny his feelings. He lets the full sensation crash over him until his eyes burn and he is raw with it. He is in love with Levi.

He’s been in love with Levi for a very long while.

Rolling onto his back with a pleasant shiver, he listens to the stillness in his room. Without Levi's presence, it is only silent and empty and yet so filled with his shaky breaths alongside the frantic pounding of his heart that his ears buzz. His cock is hard too, and Eren presses his hand against it to will it down. Right now he needs to think.

He doesn’t even know why he didn’t realise this sooner, because now that it is there, it seems to be so evident. So clear. It explains everything. Everything. It explains why his nerves always seem to be in an odd state of calmness and excitement alike when Levi is nearby. It explains why his heart speeds up every time that Levi smiles. Or when Levi drinks tea. Or when they play chess. Or when they simply sit downstairs after closing time.

It explains why his stomach is in uproar at HQ, but all right, ravenous even, as soon as evening comes. Last of all, being in love finally explains his dreams. It even explains why he can’t stop thinking of Levi, not even for a second all day through. It also explains why he’s felt so awful during the expedition, like everything within himself was hurting, shrivelling. It was like he was withering more and more with every step, and it only got better when he returned and saw Levi again—Levi in his own café, in this new life he’d built for himself. A life that made Levi smile and happy and that gives Levi what he always dreamed of.

The past three years flicker through Eren’s mind in endless images, moments, and feelings alike. All that Eren wants to do is kick himself for being so damn stupid and blind. Before he can even try, though, a whole other thought comes to his mind to pierce right through his chest.

He might be in love, yes, and it fucking hurts in all the good ways and the bad. But Levi is not.

It’s clear Levi still regrets ever having had sex with Eren. Eren could see it in Levi’s eyes back then and sees it still. He clearly saw it again only on Saturday while Eren beat himself up over vivid fantasies of fucking Levi senseless against his beautiful brass counter that looks like the autumn sun.

Levi doesn’t want Eren this way; and though this probably hurts the most, Eren knows it’s all right. It has to be.

If these last years have taught him anything, it is that he can not lose Levi, not ever again. So he has to figure out how to live with this somehow, since Levi must never find out about this.

"On the bright side," he croaks to no one but the ceiling, "I've got two days in the woods to do just that.

"Well, one and a half," he adds weakly. "Isn't that fantastic."

The ceiling doesn't answer.

"Exactly."


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to [fluffymusketeer](http://archiveofourown.org/users/fluffymusketeer/pseuds/fluffymusketeer) for pointing out to me that, as per official statement by Isayama, the Attack on Titan world mirrors the real world, so the sun rises in the west and sets in the east. 
> 
> Also, this chapter has fan art [by myself](http://sugarplum-senpai.tumblr.com/post/155675816945/gazing-back-at-the-sky-eren-catches-sight-of-a).

**Ninth of December – A Campfire**

As planned, they manage to leave early, right after a thorough breakfast.

Antsy as his latest revelation made him, Eren hadn’t been able to close his eyes all night, tossing and turning around in his bed, until he decided it was a hopeless undertaking. Mikasa throws him a curious glance over her bowl of porridge, but doesn't comment on either the dark circles under his tired eyes, nor his somewhat dishevelled hair that even a shower couldn't untangle. She also doesn't comment on his bouncy mood that, with his state of exceeding joy mixed with bottomless guilt and lingering irritation at his own idiocy, is in top form.

However, it isn't anybody else's fault but his that he is a helpless moron. So he pulls himself together as they head out and hands over the briefing to Connie who gives the directions with a rough description of the territory. Divided into four groups which are to take turns in being their guides, it's the Trainees' turn to figure out how they reach their destination, compasses in their hands. This particular route is new to them, yet they've trained for this, and pave the way with confident steps.

Following them with Connie and Sasha in the back of the precession, Eren makes notes on how they interact in the groups, who they each choose as their leader, and how they make decisions, compared to their prior excursion of this kind. He is hardly surprised when the group with Harold, Mia, and Rita choose Harold as their guide and grins as the trio leads them through the woods.

The weather, as forecast, is kind to them. The clear sky is ice blue and the morning air offers them a crisp cold embrace. The sun still has still enough strength left to warm their shoulders as they head eastwards. A mild breeze whispers over the land every now and then, stirring up the thick carpet of fallen leaves beneath their feet, and mingling with the chatter from the Trainees and Sasha and Connie alike. The fresh air carries a feeling of change, and Eren welcomes it, soaks it all up, and lets it vitalize his pace.

Winter solstice is coming.

Levi likes winter. He likes the snow and the quietness of it all.

Come to think of it, Levi likes all the seasons. Well. Except for summer perhaps.

Warmed all the way through, Eren smiles.

“Someone’s happy.”

An attention-grabbing nudge against his shoulder makes Eren snap his gaze away from a spotted woodpecker high up in a tree. Sasha grins back at him, every skipping step accompanied by a swing of her ponytail.

“Huh?” he asks.

“You’ve been beaming all over your face ever since we left.” Her brown eyes gleam with curious amusement. “Did something good happen?”

“Oh, no, not really.” He shrugs.

“Uh-huh,” she wriggles her eyebrows over dancing freckles. “Tell me more.”

“Just having a good day, I guess,” Eren evades. “The sun is nice.”

She mercifully takes the bait. “Yeah, it’s great out here today, isn’t it?” she says.

Relishing in another soft sigh of the wind around his face, Eren grins. “It is.”

“Ideal weather for a trip,” Connie agrees with a wide beam on his face as well. He stretches as he walks, only to let his hands come to a rest in his neck, with his elbows his in the air. “We’re lucky.”

They reach the pond at early noon and make camp. The pond is in the middle of the forest and would be hidden by deciduous trees and shrubs if it weren't for the time of the year. The last colourful leaves of late autumn have fallen only recently. Therefore the bare branches reach out into the cold and barely conceal the view on the water. Its surface is smooth today, reflecting the world in blue and grey. Stones frame the bank, big enough so one could sit on them whilst holding a pole over the lake.

It's perfect. Exactly as Connie has promised.

After ordering the Trainees to kindle a fire, Eren makes them all sit together with their poles and tells them what they are about to do. “I want you to team up to be able to help each other out whenever a fish is hooked. We will gut and scale them together too.”

"We will eat them?" Mia asks, voice hesitant.

"Yes," Eren says with a firm voice, watching Harold, who's gone quiet, out of the corner of his eyes. Eren inhales deeply, refusing to let the unease take over. He has no idea whether or not it was a good idea to do this in a group. Maybe it would have been better to take Harold to a lake alone and tell him in an extra lesson. Still, the others have to learn it too. They’re all here now. Eren won't turn back. He only hopes everything will go well. It has to.

It does go well. Of course, it does.

Levi said so.

It’s Oskar who makes the first catch, and for a while, the excitement is so big it scares away the other fish. It doesn’t matter though.

“Very good, Oskar” Eren raises his voice over the cheering teenagers who fall silent at his words. “Do you know what to do next?”

“I’ll unhook it and stun it,” the boy explains as he already frees the trout with skilful hands and reaches for a small stone.

Eren nods. “When you do not want to kill it right away,” he says after ensuring Oskar did well, “you could also put it into a bucket with water first so it doesn’t choke. You could also spike it to make it unconscious.

“Who knows why we do it like this?” he asks.

“So it won’t feel anything,” Rita says.

“That’s correct,” Sasha agrees, eyes beginning to gleam. “And this is good for us too since it tastes better this way as well.”

Harold is standing still, but in the end, Eren thinks, they couldn’t have been luckier. Oskar knows what he’s doing, so makes quick work on cutting the fish’s gill rakers to let it bleed out. It’s over within seconds, and despite turning pale again, Harold only presses his lips together, nods, and continues fishing himself, with Rita and Mia at his side.

Feeling nothing but a warm stream of pride for his whole Trainee Corps, Eren heaves a sigh of relief and goes to check on the fireplace.

By nightfall, the fire has burnt down to a hot blaze, and a two dozen fish, mostly trouts, are propped up on sticks, all caught and gutted by the Trainees with a bit of initial help from Connie and Sasha. They also packed some flour and yeast to make dough for bread on a stick.

They all sit around the fire in a circle, and eyeing a relaxed Harold between his friends, Eren is glad he planned this as a group trip after all. After the excitements of the day, the kid is just as eager to eat as the rest of them, already laughing again when Rita starts to pull faces. Admittedly, the food smells lovely. Baking bread and roasting fish stuffed with some wild thyme they brought from HQ.

Thyme is always good, Eren thinks as he gathers his small kettle and tea supplies from his bundle. It assuages and calms the stomach, manages to drive out sadness, strengthens the confidence, and quickens the appetite. It soothes his own nerves as well.

The night sky is clear and glitters down on them, the waxing half moon sending out its pale silverlight next to the barely noticeable Uranus in the South, the Orion, and from time to time they even spot a falling star. Eren tells the class about how to use the stars for orientation, lets them point out Ursa Minor and Polaris with a wistful kick of his heart. Though he's seen Levi just yesterday and will see him again tomorrow, there's a sudden wound in Eren’s chest that wants to rip him open. He misses Levi, even in the midst of his friends and all these demanding teenagers that leave him no time to rest.

The tea helps with that and simultaneously doesn't at all, but at least it mollifies him. Tomorrow he’ll be able to share it again.

“What are you drinking there, Sir?” Rita asks.

“It’s tea,” he explains, grinning at the memory of asking the exact same question so many years ago, when he first joined Levi’s Squad. “Gunpowder, to be precise. Do you want to try it?”

She beams, passing the stick with her fish to Harold to hold. “May I, really?”

“Yes, of course.” Eren chuckles as she jumps up, and hands her the cup. “Make small sips. It tastes better this way and lasts longer.”

“You’re so cool,” she grins. “Thank you. And tea again, huh?”

Aside from an almost involuntary snort, Eren doesn’t comment.

“Why is it called Gunpowder?” Percy asks. “It’s not real ammo, is it?”

“It’s not,” Eren replies. “But each tea leaf is rolled into a very small ball, so it looks like it.”

“Why do they do that?” Harold wants to know as Rita takes her place next to him again.

Lightened by the curiosity, Eren reaches for his tea sieve to carefully fish out an unfolded leaf. “For storage, mostly. The leaves are relatively big, see?” He holds one into the firelight. Dried as they are, they would break easily.”

“Can we try the tea too, Sir?” Sara asks.

“Of course. Let it go around, Rita.”

“It tastes bitter,” Rita says after a first curious sip, moving her mouth at the lingering taste and scrunching her nose. “And almost sweet? Reminds me a bit of grass, actually.”

Letting the unfurled tea leaf go around for inspection as well, Eren nods. “A bit, yes.”

“I like it,” she states and hands the cup to Harold, retrieving her trout in return. “It goes well with the fish too.”

Eren smiles. “I’ll brew a second pot, then.”

* * *

When the first Trainee falls asleep while seated and drops his head onto his friend's shoulder, Eren calls it a night. They obey, shuffling up to her feet with languid stretches, yawns, and blinking eyes. They have to get up early tomorrow to make it back in time.

Half an hour later, the first snoring echoes into the night, and sensing the quietness settling over him like a cloak, Eren gazes onto the star-scattered water and then up at the sky. The thoughts about Levi have been floating around in his head all day long, and he has to face this now.

What should he do? Because he has to decide on something. He knows himself well enough to be aware of the fact he needs to have a plan to not do something utterly stupid tomorrow and fuck this up. He can't repress his emotions anymore, not for himself at least. They are there, and the feeling is burning through him so fiercely his blood cheers.

Footsteps approach him from behind, telling Eren without having to look it's Connie and Sasha. He's lived and fought alongside them for long enough to recognise their paces instantly.

"Hey, Instructor." Sasha’s amusement rings brightly in the darkness.

"Hey," he greets them both as they sit down to his right.

"Thank you for taking us with you today," Sasha says.

"Are you serious?” Eren demands. “Thank you for joining. It’s been a big help."

"That's good." Stretching arms and legs, Sasha grins.

"They're really good kids, aren't they?" Connie asks, taking out his knife to carve something into a fist-sized piece of wood.

Chest filling with approval, Eren catches the faint trace of gentle snoring sounds echoing into the night. He thinks about Oskar helping Sara with her first catch. About Fabian’s attempts to use two fishing rods at once. About Harold’s determination. Eren smiles. "They are."

As he prepares another cup of tea, Eren watches Sasha and Connie sit so close to each other that their thighs and shoulders touch. Torn between happiness for them, mild envy, and the instinct to not intrude, he bends his knees, only to stretch them again, and looks away to focus on his hands instead. Being allowed to love your best friend, to give them everything to make them happy, must be wonderful. He wonders how they found out about each other. If they woke up one day, seeing the other with different eyes, or if their relationship grew slowly, right along with their friendship.

Left with nothing but questions, Eren clears his throat. "Are you looking forward to being on the road again?"

Sasha sighs and tilts her head towards the sky. "To be honest it's not really yet settled if we will leave again in the first place."

"Wait, what?" Eren startles, blinking. "You're not leaving again?"

"Probably, no," Connie says over his carving, wood chips scattering to the floor before him.

"We like the travelling," Sasha says with a shrug, "but I'm missing the exercise, and Connie is getting old." She grins.

Stopping the movements of his knife, Connie pokes his tongue out at her. "You're two months older than me, so I guess that joke is on you. Also, look at how much hair I've got." He shoves his head into her face. "Does this look like the head of an old dude to you?"

She giggles and spots a leftover stick from one of the Trainees. "Bread!" she enthuses and snatches it before plopping down next to Connie again.

"You're hopeless, woman," he complains with a warm sigh.

Eren chuckles. "Do you already know what you want to do then?"

"No, not yet,” Sasha admits with a slight slump. “We liked today and I liked the prior lessons with you. So something at the headquarter that would make us able to help out would be great."

"Really?” Eren perks up. “Because Hanji is still looking for an Instructor for the next Trainee Corps if you're interested."

"She doesn't have one yet?" Connie asks. "They're arriving soon though, aren’t they?"

Lifting the sieve out of his freshly infused tea, Eren nods. "Yeah, by the end of next week."

"Hm," Sasha says, staring up at the sky and chewing. "Is teaching hard?"

Eren smiles. He’s asked this question too once. "As in effort? Yeah, sometimes. Mostly in fact."

Biting another piece of bread off the stick, she shakes her head. "No, as in how hard is it to teach them stuff?"

Taking a few seconds to consider his response, Eren lets his mind drift away to the past last year, recalling obstacles during lessons and training sessions. "Well, you already did teach them a lot today alone,” he answers. “And it varies. Each day is different."

Expression pensive, Sasha nods.

"Do you decide on what to teach them?” Connie asks. “Or is there a timetable you have to follow?"

After blowing away some of the steaming heat of his tea, Eren takes a small sip. "Both, actually. There are guidelines for lessons and what they should know and be able to do at the end of a month. We have some drills that I have to make them do, like the gear tryout and such. But otherwise, I'm free to plan on my own."

"Hm.” Absorbed in thought, Sasha purses her lips. “That sounds good, actually."

"It does," Connie agrees with a frown. "But there is only got one job open, isn't there? We would need two."

"Talk to Hanji," Eren says. "I’m sure you can work something out." He has the feeling, Sasha and Connie staying won’t be too much of a problem. They’ll need yet another Instructor next year anyway, and the thought occurs to him Hanji planned this all along. However, she managed to do that.

"I guess we will," Sasha says with an exhale. "I only hope Armin won't mind. Connie always says he'll be all right with it, but I still can't stop worrying he'll be disappointed." It’s clear her concern goes deep. Despite the bread on a stick she's still working on, her shoulders are slightly hunched and her brow is adorned by an uncommon frown.

"Connie is right," Eren says, offering her the first sip of his tea because he knows it will support his words better than anything else. "Armin will understand."

As assumed, the tea does its trick, and Sasha’s frown eases. "Thank you, Eren."

He smiles. "You're welcome."

"I'm sorry for yesterday," she says suddenly. Her eyebrows draw back together while her fingers twiddle with Eren’s cup before she hands it back with an apologetic grimace.

Frowning too, Eren wraps his hands around the heated china. "What do you mean?"

"The stuff I said about you and Captain Levi,” she explains. “It's really none of my business."

At her words Connie reaches for her hand to squeeze it, not letting go afterwards.

"Oh, that." Wilfully ignoring their threading fingers and trying his best to not let anything on, Eren tightens the grip on his cup. "It's okay."

Sasha worries on her lip. "I still feel like I was out of line."

"No,” Eren says quickly, hastening to elaborate. “If anyone was out of line there, it was me. Not you. You were trying to help, and I was being an arse about it. So it’s me who has to apologise, really."

“It’s all right. Are we okay?”

He nods. “Of course.”

Her relief is immediate. The tension in her shoulders visibly eases, and the smile she shoots him is genuine and warm. "Good. Are you too? You've really been different today. Is it because of what I said?"

Feeling detected, Eren shifts on his seat as he forces himself to hold their eye contact. He’s more than all right, and in hindsight, it shouldn’t be that much of a surprise he’s probably been showing it all day long. It has been silly of him to think she wouldn't notice anything. Connie must have noticed something too.

Resolving to be more careful from tomorrow on, Eren nods. "Yeah, I'm fine,” he assures. “And no, I completely did that to myself, trust me."

"Just as Connie said yesterday. If you need to talk…" She lets the end offer hang in the air, not having to finish it. They’ve always been there for him, just as Eren would always be there for them too.

"I know, Sasha.” He shoots her an honest smile. “Thank you."

"Good." The sympathy in her voice is so blatant he has to swallow and bite down on the inside of his mouth to keep his words in. As much as he wishes to talk to find a solution for this mess, he simply can’t. Usually, he'd turn to Levi with something that demanding in his head, but no. This one he has to figure out all on his own.

He takes another sip of his tea to let it calm his nerves. So what if he has these feelings? Does that mean they can't be friends anymore? Of course, they can be. It's all a matter of letting it come between them or not.

And Eren won't. Can't and will not. As simple as that.

He tried to cut Levi out of his life once already, or rather tried to cut himself out of the equation. It didn’t work, and it won’t work on a second attempt either. And acting on it? No. He's already done that part too. Though he remembers every single part of it, and yearns to feel it again, just one more time, this would be only another way of ruining everything all over again. There's no escape this time. So he will have to make this work.

He's got his solution then.

Good. He can do this.

Gazing back at the sky, Eren catches sight of a falling star. Hopeless fool as he is, he makes a wish.

He wishes…


	11. Levi, Part 2

Something has changed.

Ever since Eren left the night before, Levi keeps turning the whole evening over and over in his head. Stirred up energy demanded movement. So he spent the night with scrubbing his flat, in a rather unsuccessful attempt to sort his thoughts and explain that relentless uproar slithering about in his guts. By Friday morning the smell of polishing wax and soap has permeated his skin, though a reasonable conclusion to his state of unease is yet to arrive. It doesn’t much help Hanji noticed something is up as well. And with a whole Friday plus Saturday morning on her hands, she is close to driving Levi utterly and completely mad.

It begins when she storms in for her morning coffee, a bit later than usual, and beaming like a picturesque Titan with glasses.

“Levi. What happened yesterday?” she asks the second the door would let in her voice.

A pair of soldiers at the counter look up at her, and shift their barstools closer together so Hanji has room to flail and wave her arms about.

Sighing inwardly, Levi braces himself for a long, long day without Eren, but with lots and lots of Hanji instead. “What should have happened?” he asks coolly, handing her her mug with hot coffee. He doesn’t even bother retrieving his hand, so he can instantly give her a refill. They both need it. It will help Hanji calm down, and a calmer Hanji is all Levi wants at this moment.

Going by the look on the soldier’s faces next to her, they’d prefer it if he can calm her down too. Hanji before her second morning coffee is an explosive bundle of energy not everyone can handle.

“What should have happened?” she repeats his words. “You know what.”

“Nothing happened,” Levi evades, though his concerns over Eren’s previous behaviour intensify.

Hanji won’t have any of it. “He almost glowed when he left this morning,” she insists. “Something must have happened.”

“No,” Levi replies, wiping off some tea and coffee powder residues from the work area behind the counter.

“You look better too,” she continues with her mug in her hand. “Less pale, despite an obvious lack of sleep. Less cranky around the eyes. You didn’t clean, did you?”

Levi glares at her. It doesn’t help to dissuade her knowing grin.

“Oh, yes, much better. Right guys?” Beaming with delight, Hanji turns to the soldiers next to her. “It’s like back in the old days!”

The soldiers take a wary glance at Levi, who continues glaring at Hanji. Then they shrug, shuffle off the stools to stand, and retreat to the back where they sit down at a coffee table.

Levi waits until they’re out of earshot before he begins to hiss. “I don’t give a shit about how you treat your subordinates at HQ. But stop harassing my customers.”

Hanji snickers. “I pay these particular customers salary.”

“No,” Levi reasons, “you don’t. The citizens do. You only hand it over, and you don’t even make the wages.”

“Ah, what a shame, really, huh? Imagine the possibilities. Anyway. What happened? Tell me.”

“Fuck off,” he grumbles as he diligently rearranges some caddies with restless hands. “Nothing happened.”

“All right.” She’s still beaming. “What didn’t happen, then? Did you not kiss? Did you not show him your bed?”

For a brief moment, Levi ponders how the brass counter would feel to a head being smacked against it. His or Hanji’s, he couldn’t care less which at this moment. Then again, he’s rather fond of this counter, and he shoves the urge away. He really misses training. “The usual tea, dinner, and chess.”

“And?” Her eyes are doing that thing again. It makes her look as if she’s about to lose them any second. Her cheeks are glowing, and it’s clear she’s in one of her phases.

Nothing will shut her up, not for good anyway, so Levi relents. “Oh, fuck, it. I don’t know.”

Somehow, her eyes widen even more. While they don’t let him out of their sight, Hanji’s index finger points at the cake display. “I need sugar for this talk. And so do you.”

“Chocolate?” he assumes, reaching for the cake lifter.

She grins. “You’ve been harbouring it lately, haven’t you? Yes, please. Add one for yourself while you’re at it. Chocolate makes you more cooperative.”

“Tch.” They’ve been friends for too long. She knows him too damn well.

Once provided with cake, Hanji takes a first bite and begins with her self-assigned therapy talk. “What do you not know?”

Cutting off a small piece of spongy, creamy cake with his fork, Levi gives a small shrug of his shoulders. “He looked.”

“He…looked,” Hanji repeats.

“Yes,” Levi confirms.

“Looked how?”

“Off. Different.”

Hanji stares and prods on. “Uh-huh. And?”

“I don’t know,” Levi snaps, though he knows it won’t help his cause. “Different. Isn’t different enough for you?”

“No, of course, it isn’t.” She almost sounds offended. “Different how? Happy different? Sad different? Angry? Ah, forget that. He does that a lot again these days, doesn’t he? Did his pupils widen? Did you check his pulse?”

“Yes,” Levi sneers, just loud enough only Hanji can hear him. “Of course I did. Right before I asked him to marry me.”

If the sun should ever go out, Hanji right now would be a perfect substitute. She seems to visibly swell on her seat, and her face is radiating pure joy. “Ah, Levi! Really? When–”

“No!” he growls, barely stopping himself from rolling his eyes. “Crazy stuff is your field, remember? How do you imagine this conversation going anyway?” He alters his voice until it’s dripping with sarcasm. “Please, Eren, lean forward so I can check if you’re nervous, which I can tell anyway. Also, I’m too poor for gold or any of that shit, and I’m sorry. Marry my old arse.”

Hanji merely shrugs as she stuffs her face with chocolate cake. “Why not?” she mumbles through her chewing. “I did that first one all the time. And he never struck me as the romantic luxurious type, so just go for it.”

“Hanji!” Levi commands. Using her given name is his last resort.

“Okay, okay.” She sighs and rolls her eyes.

Levi eats his cake. It’s good.

“Different how?” Hanji asks again after a pause, refocusing on the original subject.

Levi takes a bracing breath. It would have been foolish to expect Hanji would let it go. “Astonished,” he offers eventually. “Maybe.”

“Hmm,” says Hanji, sucking on her fork. “Did he do that ear thing?”

He bites back a smile at her question. The flushing earlobes have always been a weak spot for Eren. Levi doesn’t quite know which emotion is bigger: his endearment that this trait has stuck over the years, or his commiseration for the same. “He did.”

“Full flush or light?” Hanji enquires, still sucking on her fork, eyes narrowed.

“Hard to tell in the firelight,” Levi concedes. “But I'd say overglow at one point. He seemed lost in thought a couple times too.”

She lowers the fork, her cheeks beginning to blush with enthusiasm, and Levi’s senses don’t even need her dangerously building silence to flare in warning.

“Don’t you dare talk to him about this, four-eyes,” he demands, needing to do damage control before anything bad happens. “If you’ve got something to say, come to me. Or I swear, I’ll push the shower intervals up to once every week.”

“You won’t.” She pouts.

“You know, I will,” Levi taunts.

“Shit!” Her fist hits the counter so hard their china rattles. The chatter in the café stops for a moment, and Hanji and Levi are the aim of every customer’s gaze.

“Easy on my porcelain,” Levi orders flatly when the chatter surrounding them resumes. “You know how fucking long it took me to find it.”

“Sorry.” Looking honestly contrite, Hanji flinches back from the counter.

A couple comes into the café, and Levi busies himself with serving them tea and cake.

“What could he have realised? I wonder,” Hanji mutters aloud when Levi returns.

“I don’t know,” Levi admits while he tidies up his workspace. “Seemed big though.”

She hums again. “Any hope it concerns you?”

He only stares back. He’s never been one to hope, and Hanji is well aware of that.

Hanji nods absently, fingers drumming on the countertop. “What did you two do when it happened?”

“Played chess.”

“Yeah, I can see how flowery that is. So what caused it? What did you talk about right before he ‘looked different’?”

“Harold,” Levi recalls, wiping the worktop clean to focus his thoughts. “And the fishing trip.”

Her hand shoots down to hit the counter again, but she pulls it away right in time to prevent impact. She punches the air instead before fisting her hair. “Damn, that’s a dead end. Gives me nothing! What will you do?”

Tending back to his own slice of cake, Levi shrugs. “Nothing.”

“But Levi–” She pulls at her strands.

“No,” he insists.

She sighs in defeat, her hands sinking down at her sides, leaving her hair sticking out in every direction possible. “You still haven’t talked, have you?”

Levi frowns. His eyes drift away to the small drawing standing on his counter, facing him. Eren looks back as he flies through the forest scenery, eyes big and smile wide.

“If you don’t want to actively push, you could still stir a conversation into a certain direction,” Hanji suggests.

Expression set, Levi faces her once more. “No.”

“Just poke around in it?” she offers.

“Right. Because I’m so eloquent.”

“Maybe the other kind of poking, then.” She grins with a wriggle of her eyebrows.

Levi holds her gaze. “Once again: You wish, four-eyes.”

“Yeah, so do you,” she teases. “And why not? He’s not fragile. Neither are you.”

He puts on his most terrifying glare. “Do you want to renovate this place again, four-eyes? Wash the walls from old paint? Pick out chairs? Maybe have another meltdown in my tub upstairs?”

The last option finally makes her shut up. These nine months still weigh on them both. Neither wants to repeat even one bit of it. Still, Hanji is Hanji, and always will be Hanji.

“Just show your natural charm, then,” she advises. “Make poop jokes. He likes those. Smile. If you still remember how that works.”

He blinks coolly, settling into staring at her as if she’s losing her mind, which Levi half assumes, she already has.

“Yeah, that might need some work.” She creases her brow and purses her lips. “Do you know how to flirt? Maybe you can tickle him out of his shell.”

“Eat your fucking cake so you can leave for the day,” he snarls. “We both have work to do.”

Not giving in, Hanji cackles. “It’s Friday, Levi.”

“Good for you,” he mutters, taking in her expression which, with her messy hair and chocolate smudged mouth, reminds him more of a maniac than usual. He hands her a napkin. “Welcome to the real world for once.”

Accepting the napkin to wipe her face, Hanji continues as if she hadn’t heard him. “Well, since you’re clearly a bachelor again, let’s hang out tonight. You know, like in the mopey old times, when everything was awful and grey.”

“You want to sniff around,” he surmises.

The shit-eating grin that follows makes her reply redundant. “You know, I do.”

He can’t help but smirk. “Will you bring the whisky?”

“You know, I won’t. I can provide the food though.”

“Mm,” he huffs in surprise at her offer.  

“Good. It’s settled then. I’ll come around at eight. Pick whatever cake you like for you, and for me a bagel and this piece of chocolate, please. Here.” She points at a piece in the cake display, searches her pockets, and gets out the money.

Taking in her happy anticipation, Levi clicks his tongue. “You’re helpless.”

She laughs. “I know. It’s why you love me this much.”

* * *

“Oh, no. Where is Eren today?” Valentin asks.

Sticking to his habit, he strolled in shortly before closing time, and visibly deflated when he found Eren’s seat empty.

Shoulders sagging, eyebrows furrowing, and teeth worrying on his bottom lip, he looks so miserable, that Levi feels the sudden wish to wrap him into a blanket, so Valentin can be coddled up next to a warming fireplace. Best with some broth.

“On a trip with his Trainees,” Levi explains, fighting the urge to turn his eyes to the ceiling in a silent call for help, when Valentin instantly lightens up again.

“Oh! Rita hasn’t told me. But that’s good then. I’m so relieved,” he sighs, brown eyes going soft and dreamy. “I thought you guys fought. I heard about what happened on Monday. You know, with the trouble you had here?”

The excitement in his eyes makes it clear Valentin is torn between the relief of not having been in the middle of any of said trouble, and the regret of having missed out on exactly that.

Recalling the happenings, Levi sees Eren seething in the middle of the Sparrow, standing up for others without even once losing his control. It’s been long since Levi has witnessed Eren anger like this, felt it radiating off him in heated waves. The mere memory sends prickling goosebumps over his sides, in one pleasant ripple after another.

Decisively changing the subject, Levi nods at the, apparently forgotten, bag in Valentin’s hands. “What do you have for me today?”

Jerking back into action, Valentin approaches further to set the bundle down on the counter top. “Almost the same as last week, actually,” he says. “Only no mushrooms this time. Uncle Svend has added another batch of bacon. No beef today though. But there’s some black pudding.”

Reminded of last week’s addition to the charity package, Levi grunts. “Any new recipe additions by any chance?” He lifts an inquisitive eyebrow.

Going still on the other side of the counter, Valentin frowns. He seems alarmed at Levi’s tone, yet going by the blatant puzzlement in his eyes, he has no idea what exactly he delivered the Friday before. “No. Why–”

“Is your mother so keen on distributing aphrodisiac recipe tips all over the town? Or is this some kind of special treatment reserved for me?” Levi asks. Eyes fixed on Valentin’s, he waits for the meaning to sink in.

When it does, Valentin flushes all the way up to his hairline and begins to stutter. “I…um, she…what?!” His voice breaks at the last word.

Easing his glare directed at horrified, brown eyes, Levi rescues Valentin from having to answer. “Tell Magda to come over some time, won’t you? Seems like I need to have another word about personal boundaries with her.”

Nodding fiercely, Valentin ducks his head. “I’m sorry, Captain Levi. I knew she was up to something, though I would never have guessed…She only means well.”

Levi snorts, reaching for the caddie with a calming herbal infusion. “Sit.”

Valentin complies in an instant, head still cast down.

Levi fills a sieve with a mix of dried lavender, rose petals, chamomile, and cornflowers. “Don’t apologise on her behalf.”

Valentin nods again. His hands are fiddling in his lap, his shoulders are slightly lifted. “I’m still sorry. She told me she saw you two sitting at the window, looking so happy. She didn’t say she was trying to meddle. Otherwise, I would have checked the recipe.”

The last time Magda tried to interfere, she added some massage oil to the package alongside a bunch of candles ‘for the mood,’ according to the included note. Valentin was equal parts amazed and aghast when he’d seen them tumble onto the countertop. To ascertain he wouldn’t have the first fainting man in his café, Levi fed Valentin some cinnamon rolls and Earl Grey before he let him out into the street again.

Hanji laughed for a whole day until Levi helped her with some paperwork one night in exchange for her maintained silence on the matter.

“Your mother can make her own choices, Valentin,” Levi says. “Like the rest of us. You’ve got to learn to let people do their silly things. Otherwise, they won’t learn from them.”

Sighing, Valentin gives a hesitant smile. “I know. It’s so hard sometimes though. You know? People do silly things and get themselves into trouble. I want to help you out and not get caught in embarrassing situations.”

Keeping his voice gentle, Levi pours hot water over the herbs. “I’m certain you are helping.”

The reply finally seems to ease Valentin’s mood. He grins again, and begins to unpack a new sack of potatoes, root vegetables, onions and garlic. “So, how is Eren?”

“Fine,” Levi says. The attempt to conclude the topic like this fails, however, since Valentin is blatantly hanging on his every word.

“Any progress?” Valentin asks further. “Was the ragout any good?”

Levi suppresses a sigh. Fortunately, the question is so old by now, that the experienced answer comes to him with no effort whatsoever. “I’m certain, you’ll know when there is.” He transfers a piece of remaining chocolate cake onto a plate. “And yes, it was.”

Valentin beams at the cake set before him. “Thank you!” He takes a bite and sighs with gleaming eyes. “Did you try the apple gratin?”

“We did. It wasn’t bad,” Levi agrees and presses his lips together to keep back any further reply. Where did the ‘we’ come from? He truly has to learn how to keep his mouth shut.

Apparently though, Val either missed it, or graciously decided to ignore the slip. “I’m glad to hear it.” He smiles, continuing eating his cake. “It's my favourite side dish to ragout. Even better when it’s venison.”

Placing the cup of herbal infusion before Valentin, Levi can’t hold back a faint smile. Going by the joyous reaction Eren had when he had his first bite, it certainly could be a new favourite of his too.

“Tell me,” Levi says, definitely wanting to see Eren’s eyes sparkle like this again. “You got any more real recipe tips?”

“Sure I do!” Valentin gushes, his freckles dancing all over his swollen cheeks. “You know the pork sausages Uncle Svend is famous for?”

Levi hums, pouring himself a cup of the herbal infusion as well. The only one he has ever met who is this eager over food, is Sasha. “I do.”

Valentin holds on tight to his fork, eyes in complete awe. “Just use the filling to shape it into little balls and cook them in equal parts broth and double cream. Add a bit of mustard,” he advises. “First fry, then let them simmer in the sauce until it's thickened.” He sighs, tending back to his cake and tea. “I swear. It's the best meal ever. Every time. Eren will love it.”

It sounds like a weekend meal.

“Mm,” Levi says. Something has begun to squirm deep in his guts. Something warm and promising. It’s not really hope. Hope has never been his department, and the only Hope he knows is out there, probably sitting next to a campfire right now. The promise is more like a cloud moving over the dark sky, shifting to reveal a long-awaited view of stars.

Levi doesn’t know what will happen tomorrow when Eren returns. How it will be. It could be Eren had an epiphany over something that has no connection with Levi whatsoever. It could be they’ll simply go back to how things were before yesterday. But if not—if something truly has changed… Levi wants to be prepared. Even if everything should remain the same, it doesn’t mean he can’t provide Eren a good meal, and if things should go horribly awry for whatever reason during the next week, Levi could always have a fancy dinner with Hanji.

“Can you add the ingredients to next Friday’s delivery?” he asks. “I also need another bar of soap.”

“Of course!” Valentin grins, gaze going soft, cheeks assuming a faint blush. “You won't regret it. Anya loves this dish too. With potatoes or rice.”

Something in the way Valentin has begun to shift on his chair makes Levi nod and seize the newly offered topic. “How is Anya?”

“Good,” Valentin answers, becoming uncharacteristically quiet as his blush spreads and intensifies. He bites on his lip, eyes cast down to his hands again before looking up at Levi with expectant eyes. “I got the ring yesterday,” he reveals. “It's so beautiful. I hope she’ll like it enough to say yes.”

As if summoned by his words, the door opens to let in Hanji. Reaching for her mug and the tea pot again, Levi pours her a portion of the herbal infusion also, setting it next to Valentin’s.

He smiles at Valentin, already knowing the outcome is certain. The same as he knows the sun will rise on the next day. “She will.”

“I sure hope so,” Valentin says, beginning to pick on a crumb of chocolate cake on his plate while Hanji slips out of her coat. “She’s the one. You know?”

Exhaling with a wide smile, Hanji sinks onto the bar stool next to Valentin. “I see we’re already at the topic of the day. Hello Val.”

“Good evening Commander Zoe,” Valentin greets her.

Hanji shudders. “Bleh, no formalities here, please. How often do I have to tell you? It’s Hanji,” she corrects him with a warm smile before slapping his back so hard it makes Valentin puff out a surprised gasp.

Levi suppresses a commiserating twitch of his eyebrows. Of all the people he has come to know throughout his life, Hanji is one of those least aware of her strength.

“And congratulations!” Hanji cheers. “Finally someone who’s grasping the nettles of things.”

Being met with her pointed gaze, as well as Valentin’s puzzled one, Levi heaves a quiet sigh. This is going to be an exhausting night.

Not that Hanji’s nosiness is too much of a surprise.

* * *

Of course, Hanji keeps on prodding the subject all evening long.

“On a scale from one to Erwin,” she pries during her fourth glass of whisky. “How serious did it look?”

Levi can’t help but snort and gives her a little kick.

“Okay, that tells me all I need to know,” she slurs, already plastered. “You’re so besotted. It’s adorable.”

He huffs into his glass. “Shut the fuck up and drink your fucking whisky.”

“I am. See?” She generously refills her glass. Despite her buzz, her accuracy with the bottle is astonishing. “It’s been too long since we last did this. I should invite myself over more often. I’m clearly missing out on things.”

Levi smirks. “You’ve constantly got your nose buried in the things. How is that missing out?”

“It’s lonely at HQ,” she admits after a brief pause, her brow furrowed. “Even with Selma. And damn, that bird is chatty.”

“Mm.” Levi stands up to fetch her a second batch of cake.

“You don’t let him sit in my chair, do you?” Hanji asks when he returns, squinting down at the red fabric of her seat as she pushes her glasses up. “You make him sit in yours.”

“How often will you ask me that.” He hands her the plate.

“Until I get a real reply and not just some diversion,” she proclaims. “But it smells like you in here.”

Holding back a sigh, Levi sinks back into his own seat. “What do you think, four-eyes.”

“So I was right.” She cackles in triumph. “Interesting.”

Levi doesn’t answer.

When Hanji speaks again, her voice is decisively light. “You’ll tell me when it’s time to get a third chair, right?”

“Don’t get your hopes up,” he says, reaching for his own glass of whisky. His second.

“Why not?” Hanji frowns, scattering cake crumbs onto the seat and the freshly polished floor alike.

Levi sighs after all. “You’re working yourself over this matter.”

“I’m not.”

“You are.”

“Wanna bet?” She grins, raising her glass.

“No,” he says.

She nods, completely self-assured. “Yes.” It comes out more than a ‘yesh’ and her eyes are already crossed.

There’s no doubt, Levi thinks. She is pissed as a newt. “No.”

“That’s a no then,” she slurs, hoping he’ll step into her trap.

“It’s a no,” he insists, refusing to give out a yes.

Groaning theatrically, she slumps back against her chair rest and digs into her cake. “You are such an old fart.”

“You are a lunatic,” he shoots back.

Just to prove his point, Hanji giggles and yawns so widely Levi thinks he could count her teeth if he tried. “Can I stay over night? I’ve been missing this chair.”

Levi looks at his friend. He’ll never admit it out loud, but yes, he’s been missing these Friday evenings with her too. “I’ll fetch you the blanket.”

* * *

It's right after Hanji has left on the next morning, with what looks like a pounding headache, when the door to the Sparrow opens. Mikasa enters the café, followed by Armin and Jean.

They all greet Levi with a smile, and after ordering three pieces of apple pie, two cups of coffee, and one tea for Jean, they choose a table with three chairs.

While Levi sets to work, Jean already unwraps his sketchbook again, talking to Armin. Mikasa drapes her jacket around her chair and comes back to the counter. Her eyes are earnest and worried, instantly telling Levi why the three have come over.

“I wondered when you’d show up,” he admits.

“How,” she begins.

“Four-eyes,” Levi explains.

Mikasa nods with a short twitch of her lips. “Do you have some time?”

“If you don't mind me working meanwhile,” he says, jerking his head at the empty bar stools and placing down a piece of apple pie in front of her.

“Thank you.” She smiles as she sits. “And of course. Go ahead.”

“Clotted cream?” he offers.

“Yes, please.”

Levi adds the heap of cream to Mikasa’s cake, and hands her a cup of steaming coffee as well.

The last time she wanted to talk to him alone, she’d been mad and wanted answers. Now, however, she looks relaxed, albeit inquisitive. Spooning tea leaves for Jean into a sieve, Levi waits for Mikasa to begin.

“What happened at dinner the day before yesterday?” she asks after a first sip of her coffee.

Levi raises an eyebrow. “You noticed it too.”

She raises an eyebrow back at him. “Would have been hard not to. He’s never been too good at hiding when something’s on his mind.”

This situation gets more and more interesting.

“I can only tell you what I told Hanji,” Levi replies as he pours water over Jean’s Darjeeling. “Nothing happened. Not really.”

“Still, something has changed,” she states.

“Yes. I think,” he confides, turning around the sandglass for the tea.

Mikasa’s frown is apprehensive. “So Eren tried to hide it from you too,” she concludes with a tilt of her head. “Do you know what it is?”

“No.”

“I’m not sure either, but I can make assumptions.” She glances up at Levi. “What I know is: He looked better. More like himself again.”

They share a long look, and when they part, the treacherous inkling of hope he’s attempting to subdue since Thursday night has begun to flutter in Levi’s guts yet again. Willing his breathing to remain even, Levi slowly exhales, pressing out the air that seems to suddenly bottle up right under his throat.

“I never thanked you for convincing him to stay here, did I?” Mikasa spikes a slice of soft apple. “The road really wasn't good for him.”

“I didn't convince him,” Levi objects.

She smiles. “Not with words.”

Not knowing how to respond, Levi frowns. “Are you better here too?” he asks instead.

“Yes.” Her blush is faint, yet immediate.

Levi glances over at Jean, who looks back with a curious frown. Giving Jean a small smile, Levi turns back to Mikasa with a lifted eyebrow.

“Nothing happened yet,” she says. “I need to know Eren really is better first.”

“Why,” Levi asks, voice mild.

“Because Jean deserves better than me worrying about Eren all the time. He says he’ll wait.”

Levi nods in understanding. If something happened to Hanji, he’d be too focused on her to make any kinds of advances or promises. He knows Jean doesn’t mind the agreement. He’s waited for Mikasa all these years, and in the end, it’s only time anyway. It doesn’t change anything about how he feels.

Thoughts inevitably trailing away to untamed hair and green, widening eyes, Levi’s stomach performs an attention-grabbing flip, compelling him to ask. “How exactly did he look last morning?”

Mikasa’s grey eyes look back into his, earnest and firm, and her answer is one single word. “Unlocked.”

Levi stares, thoughts tumbling fast.

 _“His mind is locked up,”_ Mikasa said when they first returned, using the exact right word for Eren’s state as far as Levi was concerned.

Gaze warm, Mikasa reaches out to take hold of his underarm. “If this means what I think it means, don't scare him away again. Let him take the lead, and you'll be good.” The parting squeeze of her hand around his wrist and the nod that follows are unmistakable.

Levi is glad to have a counter for steadying support and that his hands already rest on it, because he’s got a hard time trying to remember how to stand. Trusting Hanji’s exaggerated zeal is one thing. Trusting Mikasa’s instinct, especially when it comes to Eren, is entirely different. Pulse racing, Levi finds his self-control slipping from his grasp. He has to see Eren to be absolutely certain. However, if Mikasa’s observation is true, it changes everything. Everything.

“Guard up,” Mikasa reminds him softly.

Levi blinks at her. Casting off his exuberant smile with effort, he scowls down at the counter whilst lifting the mental walls, layer after layer. Not knowing what to do with the feeling that rushes through his veins like an all-consuming thunderstorm, he seizes it, packs it up, and stores it away for later.

It takes Levi a moment to retrieve his voice, but when he has, it is calm. “Thank you, Mikasa.” The mere words feel insufficient, so Levi gasps her hand in a firm, insistent grip.

“It's what family is for,” she replies, her eyes softening in a smile at his gesture. “Just don't hurt him. I'd have to kick your arse, and with all this training lately, I might even succeed.”

His uncontrolled, mirthful wheeze bubbling out, surprises Levi. “We should spar again one day to find out.”

“Gladly.” She smiles once more, takes her cake and her coffee, and rejoins her friends at their table.

As he serves Armin and Jean their drinks and cake, with a pace that is a bit swifter than usual, Levi’s mind races. If Mikasa is right, Eren will show up here this evening. If it’s true, Eren’s eyes will be glowing like a bonfire, just like they did before the mist. What Levi needs is a plan to not screw this up whilst—how did Hanji put it?—tickling Eren out of his shell.

With Levi being himself and Eren being Eren, words are the worst tactic. Making any physical overtures remains off the table; that is still Eren’s step to make, and Eren’s alone. Levi is, however, still able to poke the subject, so to speak. He can even manage that with making barely any conversation or physical contact whatsoever. Because one thing he knows for certain: As much as Levi is aware of his own weaknesses when it comes to Eren, given Eren’s not so secretive stares over the past year, Levi knows Eren’s weak spots equally well.

All he has to do is search for an opening, make subtle suggestion, and wait for Eren to figure things out. Levi smirks. This might actually be fun.


	12. Chapter 12

**Tenth of December – A Pair of Fish**

Eren wakes early on Saturday morning, his face cold from the December air. For a moment he wants to groan, thinking he’s somehow back on the road with Armin, and prepares for the inevitable ache to settle in his chest. Instead, reality catches up to him to instantly fill him with warm thoughts about Levi.

Reluctant to face the winter on the other side of his blanket just yet, Eren smiles as he closes his eyes, letting the images run through him in the quiet for a while. Firelight and pieces of chess, drinking tea in the Sparrow, and smiles curling around lips, Levi’s fingers closing around a grey stone with a hole running through it. Levi looking at him with lust-blown eyes and tearing at Eren’s clothes, making them both shudder.

Eren will see him again later this day.

Which makes it completely impossible for him to lay still any longer. He shoots up, shuddering once more, though now because of the frost instantly biting mercilessly through his thin night clothes. If Eren had his way, he would jump out of this cosy makeshift bed, pack his things together, and leave right away. He can’t, though. There's a bunch of thirteen-year-olds in the tents around his own that are his responsibility.

He stands anyway, hurries to get dressed in the dark, and leaves his tent to face the world with a deep inhale. Dragging in the cold air, he binds his hair back and stretches the last lingering traces of sleep out of his body. There's no one else outside yet, so it is pleasantly still. Dawn is about to come, and the lake reflects the morning firmament in enticing little waves.

Following a sudden impulse, Eren grins and fetches his fishing pole. If Levi can't be here with them, the experience has to come to Levi.

Sasha shoots him a wink that he thinks is a little bit too knowing when she emerges from her tent at the first grey trace of sunrise. Yet she doesn't say anything as Eren carries his two catches to the freshly lit fire, already gutted, scaled and washed. They work in harmonic silence, preparing porridge for breakfast while the camp begins to awake around them before packing up their things with proficient movements.

As Eren promised Hanji, they are back at noon; even in time for lunch.

"You've been successful?" Hanji asks him when Eren visits her office to announce their return.

Accepting the seat in front of her desk, he grins. "We have."

"Harold as well?"

Eren nods. "Yes. He was a bit wobbly, but it was good he had his friends with him."

"Mission accomplished, then. I'm glad to hear it." Her beam is so rapturous that she reminds Eren of their experiment sessions.

He waits for her to say something because she undoubtedly wants to. Yet she only squeaks, clears her throat, keeps on fiddling with her fingers, and presses her lips together.

“Everything all right, Hanji?” Eren asks.

“Yes,” she nods extensively. “Oh, yes. It’s so good to have you back, Eren.”

Yes, he thinks with a smile, he’s glad too. "How's the patient?"

"She's fine,” Hanji replies. “Quite chatty I have to admit."

The confession elicits him a snort. "I'll send Harold over after lunch to pick her up."

"Do that. But remember…!" she warns with an expression somewhere between professional pertinacity and cordial teasing.

Eren heaves an amused sigh. "Yeah, yeah. No extra work till Tuesday. I know."

She still gazes happily at him. A little too happy, though even with the best will, Eren cannot say why. He can actually see the excited flood of words wanting to bubble out of her, with her hands balled to fists, the crimson on her cheeks, and her eyes that seem to prod him for a question.

So he gives in. “Has something good happened?” he asks.

Apparently, it was the right question, since Hanji leans forward in her chair, elbows coming to a rest on her desk while her folded hands steady her chin. “Has it?”

"Sasha and Connie might come over later to talk to you," he suddenly remembers.

"Oh?" The beam spreads over her face again, yet this time it’s positively smug. "Perfect. I had a feeling."

Eren shakes his head. "You and Levi truly know everything, don't you?"

"I wish." Hanji snorts, leaning back in her seat again. "But no, not everything. Just enough. Nice fish, by the way."

With the promise of the upcoming evening flaring up brightly in Eren’s chest, he grins. "They're for dinner."

"Yeah, I know."

He rolls his eyes at her, and they share a grin at their in-joke.

"See you on Tuesday, Eren,” she dismisses him, beginning to shuffle her paperwork around again. “And pinch some Juniper from the kitchen for the fish. He'll like that."

As he leaves her with a thankful nod and an anticipating smile, he thinks he might do just that.

After only one day in the nature, lunch in the mess hall is loud and unfamiliar. Conversations blare from every end of the room, chairs screech over the floor in protest as people sit or stand. Boisterous laughter at jokes and pranks booms constantly from each table, and the clattering of cutlery on dishes is intrusive to the ears. It all echoes within the four walls to come together in a cacophony of noise that does nothing to ease Eren’s impatience.

Sitting at one of the long tables, surrounded by his friends, he can’t stop shifting the position on his chair, while his right knee keeps on twitching in an agitated rhythm, without his permission. The nervous energy has kicked in right after he left the kitchen, his chest pocket padded with herbs. Resting on one single spot is everything he does not need right now. He’d much rather prefer to run, or cheer, or do silly air manoeuvres with his gear, or, best of all, have evening already.

Levi likes fish. Eren can’t wait.

Six hours to go. It seems like a whole lifetime.

"Are you going to see Levi again today?" Mikasa asks over her spoon with soup.

Forcing his leg to stand still once again, Eren meets her gaze. "Yes," he answers firmly.

Her brows are knitted in a ponderous frown, though instead of deepening even further, it dissolves into a rare, small smile that reaches all the way up to her eyes. “Good.”

Baffled, Eren goes completely still. What's that about? And why are they all so happy? First Hanji. Now Mikasa. Eren wonders who is next.

He wants to smile back, notices he already does, and turns to his soup—just in time to catch Sasha pinching one left-over slice of bread from his tray. She winks.

Being in an exceptionally generous mood today, Eren rolls his eyes and lets her get away with it. His stomach is uncooperative beyond reason anyway and will remain this way until he’ll be back at the Sparrow. At least he finally knows the reason for his lack of appetite at HQ.

"What have you been up to while we were away on our big adventure?" Sasha asks a little while later, looking at Mikasa, Jean, and Armin.

They've already finished eating and returned their dishes, but somehow ended up back at the table, catching up. It's weekend and there are no afternoon duties today. Jean is drawing, his face relaxed, calm, and observant. When Eren takes a short peek at his work, he sees it's them again. Laughing and sitting together. A study of Sasha’s ponytail. A scarf winding its way all over the page. Twiddling fingers that Eren thinks might be his own. For a brief moment, he wonders how many drawings of them Jean must have in his sketchbook. It's nearly coming to an end.

"I've continued planning the next expedition with Hanji," Armin says.

Jean grunts. "Making any progress on that?"

"Yeah,” Armin replies, “we adjusted rations and supplies today and talked about some earth and water samples we brought."

Eren chuckles. Hanji surely liked that.

"Oh, that reminds me, Armin." Sasha jerks up in her chair, her brown eyes worried. "Did you tell her about Max, Armin? We checked on him before we left yesterday. His fetlocks still don't look as if he would be fit by Wednesday."

Armin nods. "Yes, we will be able to change him and a few of the other horses."

"Good." She smiles and leans back again.

"Your trip was good?" Jean asks.

"Splendid," Sasha beams. She starts a recapitulation of the last one and a half days, and Eren lets hers and Connie's voices wash over him until they part.

The rest of the afternoon passes by with making sure everything from their fishing expedition is back in place, until Eren has no reason any longer to delay his visit at the Sparrow. Despite his excitement that has been pulling him back since morning, he feels his inner tension eating at his nerves like ants on his skin. Yet he desperately wants to, yearns to see Levi again. It’s as if he would burst any second if he doesn’t go. So when darkness falls, Eren gathers his fish, feels for the herbs and spices in his pocket once again, and heads out into the streets with a skipping pace.

The inviting light from inside the café already welcomes him from a distance. With every step towards it, he feels his cheek swell and his pulse speed up until he stands right in front of the window. He braces himself for whatever will await him on the other side, and pushes the door open.

The bell chimes, and the toasty warmth from inside that smells like tea, coffee, and wood and polish seems to hug him in a cordial embrace. The brass counter shines like the sun in the light of the lit lamps. The whole room is cosy and warm. The Sparrow truly is beautiful.

It's so good to be back.

"Do you want something to drink or are you planning on blocking the door all night?" Levi stands behind his counter. His face looks neutral, yet the slight amusement in his eyes is unmistakable.

“Hi!” Eren grins, staying put at his place in front of the entrance. "I brought some fish."

He holds them up as if it wasn't obvious.

"So I see." A slow smirk steals its way onto Levi's face, making Eren’s heart want to explode at the mere sight. "Tea?" Levi asks.

"Yes, please." Eren beams, unable to look away from Levi’s face.

Holding out his hand, Levi nods at the fish. "Give them to me, I'll hang them up in the back. It's cooler there than in here."

Eren has been out in the cold on his way here, but it's Levi's fingers that are slightly cool as they take over their future meal. They meet Eren's warm ones, knuckles brushing over knuckles, and Eren's breath catches as grey eyes lock with his for a stretching moment.

Throat suddenly tight, he grins once more as he retracts his hand. While Levi disappears into the staff department, Eren decides it would be best to go to his usual seat before walking straight will become a serious issue.

So he prods his feet back into motion to choose his usual seat by the window, waving at a small group of regulars that greet him with welcoming smiles. Being here feels different and yet the same, today. It's the same calm atmosphere, the same warm wooden interior, the same mix of scents, the same sounds of the other customers and Levi's movements in the back. It’s the same china for his tea, white, simple, and smooth under his touch. It heats up his hands as he takes his first sip—it's Gunpowder—and in spite of the consistency he finds himself in, everything seems to have changed.

It is as if Eren has been looking at one of Armin's books all the time. Turning it around in his hand, reading the cover, and feeling its weight, and only now has decided to open it; to smell its unique scent of dry paper and oily printing ink, of age and timeless comfort. To feel the thickness of the pages under his fingertips and to dive into the vastness of its world, not knowing where or who he might be when he's finished reading it.

By the time Levi joins him at their table, the café closed for the night and everything in its place for the next day, he's the same and yet different as well. He's still Eren's friend, yes, but he is so much more now too.

Not able to stop himself, Eren allows himself to look at him, to really look at him, until it hurts. Levi has been hobbling ever so slightly, a reliable sign that the promised snow will hit them soon, but now Levi looks relaxed.

He calmly looks back at Eren, lifts a thin, dark eyebrow, and the faint trace of the smirk from earlier still seems to linger around his lips. "It went well,” he says.

Eren smiles at the statement, his stomach performing a cheerful flip. "It did."

"Mh." Levi sits in his usual position, leant back in his seat, his one foot resting on his other knee, one arm over the backrest, tea cup in his hand, steaming warmly against his palm. His sleeves are rolled up, his apron is gone, his top button undone to reveal sharp collarbones under pale skin, and Eren simply wants to cast away his restraint, lean over and kiss these slightly curling lips until the sun comes up.

He doesn’t. Instead, he fastens his restless hands around the smooth china of his cup, and suddenly wants to know everything about Levi.

"How was your day?" Eren asks, already knowing the answer. The small, almost secretive, smile he receives is accompanied by a short gleam in pale eyes, and oh, Eren is in so much trouble.

"Not bad."

No, Eren thinks, not bad at all, as it seems. He wishes to know what happened. He grins, and he can't help it. "Did you miss me?"

"Tch."

They drink. Levi’s eyes crinkle behind his cup. Eren’s heart lurches.

"According to Hanji, Selma the Bird is rather chatty," Levi says as he sets his cup back down.

Eren snorts. "I heard. Harold will be glad to have her back."

"How did he do?"

"He was okay with the hooks and worms and the fishing itself, though he was a bit more quiet than usual. He didn't participate in the preparation but didn't look away either. He ate with us too."

"He didn't catch a fish himself?" Levi asks further.

"No,” Eren replies, feeling the small jolt about that fact from anew. “But Mia did and she did well. Quick and effortless."

Levi nods. By the line of his shoulders it’s obvious he’s just as satisfied with the outcome of this trip as Eren. "Good. Being in the group helped him?"

"It did," Eren agrees, swallowing another thank you that Levi would fend off.

Levi hums into his tea. A low, pleased sound.

In an attempt not to squirm in his seat as shivers want to prickle from his neck down his arms, Eren clears his throat. "I'll take them out for another round in early spring and see how it goes. Let them do a night walk with only the sky as orientation then, I guess."

"Hm."

Their legs are nearly touching under the table. Eren is increasingly aware of it and he carefully shifts his left knee and foot away a bit, just in case. His self-control is wearing ever so thin already, and knee touching is something he definitely can’t cope with right now. It also would be stepping over the line immensely. He doesn’t want to make Levi uncomfortable, simply because he can’t keep his shit together.

"So,” Levi says, turning his head and exposing his neck. The light of the streetlamps licks on his pale skin, highlighting prominent muscles. “I've got a couple of fish in the back. Got any idea what to do with them?"

Eren reaches for a grin. "Well, it's the weekend, so I thought we’d celebrate."

Looking back at Eren, Levi raises an eyebrow. "Is that so."

"I brought herbs," Eren offers, raising an eyebrow himself.

Hanji’s tip was worth its weight in gold, as it seems, since Eren is granted with a bright flicker of anticipation in Levi’s eyes. "Thyme and juniper?"

"Yes."

"With butter in a pan?"

"Sure.” Eren smiles. “It's your fish."

Levi smiles back, and Eren basks in it.

They cook in quiet understanding. Levi sifts through his pantry to produce some potatoes which they boil with their peel on before they flavour the fish and fry them in some butter as they are.

It must be the best meal Eren has ever had, every banquet dinner at Historia's included. Levi nods as he takes his first bite of trout with a small, approving hum, and Eren makes a mental note to bring home some fish again soon. While they eat, Eren tells Levi about the lake and his Trainees, about stories over the campfire, about sharing tea, and his ideas for the planned trip in spring. They might have snow then, but that would only be another good reason to do it. They'd have to train that just as well as camping in the burning, merciless heat of summer.

Levi listens, and when they move over to the pair of chairs in front of the hearth, Eren melts into the leather of Levi's chair and inhales deeply. No, he reminds himself. He won't do anything stupid. But that doesn't mean he can't bloody well glory in anything he can get either.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My wonderful readers. It should be mentioned at this point that I did not expect such an enthusiastic feedback on the last chapter, and if I were to describe what it did to me, I'd only be able to compare it to pure sunshine for my soul. And no, this is not an exaggeration. It is the truth. I am not entitled to your comments, your messages, your sweet tags, but receiving them is such a pleasure. They tell me I do not write into a void. They tell me in the most beautiful way of screams, hearts, or whatever you are willing to reciprocate, that you enjoy what you have read. That you are on the edge of your seats. That I cause a flicker of emotion in you. That you love what I do. Heaps of thanks to each and every single one of you. You guys are what makes fandom alive, what makes it worthwhile, what makes it into such a beautiful, beautiful place. And to hear that you love these two awkward beans just as much as I do fills me with more joy than I could ever put into words. Thank you so much for your kind support. You guys are the best! <3

**Eleventh of December – Tea with Toast and Honey**

A Sunday that won't be followed by a workday is a rather odd thing to wake up to. Or so Eren decides as he opens his eyes to the first dim hints of daylight. It's nudging through the curtains of his room in a hesitant greyness, not yet strong enough to fill the world with brilliance.

He's stayed long at Levi's last night, refilling himself with images and scents alongside Levi's voice, soaking up every single hint of a smile. Now he has one whole day to spend until he'll go over again and—veteran or not—Eren is determined to start it with a lie-in, forbidding himself to think about anything else than turning over once more. His Sunday, his rules.

His bed is warm, warmer than the air surrounding it, and it's so cosy.

When he opens his eyes again, Eren is startled to notice his inner clock tells him it's already mid-late morning. He gets up and pads into his small kitchen, grinning at the napkin that is still pinned to the wall as he fumbles with his water kettle.

The rooftops on the other side of the window are white with frost. Heavy, dark clouds outside threaten snow. Their gloom is omnipresent, yet feels slightly surreal as Eren prepares his breakfast. He relishes in the heavenly crisp stickiness of roasted toast with honey, crunching it with a delightful hum before washing it down with a sip of tea.

The demanding pressure deep in the pit of his stomach gets ignores—at least until Eren steps into the shower. Pulse speeding under a quickening breath, he looks down at his neglected cock that's been begging for attention since his insight three nights ago. By now it's become a constant ache, and Eren realises he has to do this eventually.

He's been avoiding giving into it so far, knowing it would mean admitting his feelings completely. After yesterday, however, it’s painfully clear there's no turning back. He's not confused about this anymore. He's not at the pond surrounded by Cadets anymore either.

He's alone; and after the evening he’s had, he needs it so fucking badly. No one will know. Now is as good a moment as any other.

Eren wraps his hand around himself with an anticipating shiver, already so wound up he’s ready to fall apart. He winces at the touch, too intense, so he loosens his grip to begin with one careful pull at his foreskin. Eyes falling shut, Eren allows Levi to surround him.

Months and years of once-forbidden fantasies rush in, the barrier ripping open like a breaking dam. Eren lets it happen, lets the images flood him without sorting, without holding on to any of them. Clouded grey eyes, smiling ones and crinkling ones, stern and firm, sparkling, or blown wide with lust, bright, shining, bare, and observant. Self-assured hands mapping Eren’s shoulders, his chest, his waist, gripping Eren’s hips and pulling him close, close, closer. Slender fingers holding cups, drawing a bird, filling up a pen. Firelight catching on a wrist, on an enticing curve of collarbones, on Levi’s strong, angular jaw. Hums over tea and fish, over chessboards, against Eren’s neck, into Eren’s mouth, followed by a tongue gliding over his own as he is being stretched and claimed. Pale skin under his fingertips, heated and flushed. Levi’s addictive taste. His scent that Eren revisits every single night. In that chair. In Levi’s flat. In his dreams.

Eren surrenders to it, fills his lungs with it, too occupied with trying to delay the building release. It’s been too long. His body is shaking, his hands trembling under the effort of stroking as slowly as he can withstand, while his toes curl and the sweet, sharp ache at the base of his spine threatens to spill over. His breath goes heavy in the steamy cubicle, accompanied by his uncontrolled whimpers as water rains down on him. It prickles against his neck. Caresses his shoulders before running down his back and thighs in gentle warm rivers as the imaginary whisper of his name sets in.

_“Eren.”_

“Oh, fuck yes!” He groans, his free hand blindly pressing against cool, wet tiles for steadying support. The images speed up, cascade into impressions of a hot, wet mouth wrapping around him. Levi pinning him against his brass counter, swollen lips curling in a silent promise, whispering all kinds of secrets. Bodies pressing against each other, slippery with sweat and heated, firm muscles trembling pliantly under his touch. Levi over him, under him, wrapped around him, arching, sinking, fucking Eren open. Levi sprawled out on white sheets, masturbating with lazy pumps, lips parting with a thrown back head as glistening streaks of white shoot up into the air.

Another deep whisper directly into Eren’s ear with a soft brush of firm, slightly scratchy lips, _“Eren. Now!”_ and with one last, liberating graze of his thumbnail over the exact right spot, it’s over.

"Yes!" He comes in a burst of heat as he cries out under the water, spilling heavily into his hand and all over the place, shuddering and gasping; held up by an outstretched arm that’s slipping in an attempt to dig his fingers into the flat, slick tiles.

Eren stands there, breath easing, heart racing, and lets his senses come back to him before he slowly opens his eyes. All the evidence is gone. Rinsed off and washed away, alongside his tension. Everything left is the knowledge he is alone—and that he's run out of hot water.

Shivering, now because of the blast of icy cold, Eren hurries to finish his shower, wraps a towel around his hips, and gets ready to face the day.

* * *

"Sasha and Connie will be Instructors next term," Armin mentions to Eren and Mikasa in the afternoon. After another prolonged lunch, the three of them have left HQ to spend a fraction of their remaining time in unshared company.

"They talked to you?" Eren asks, hanging the cap of his coat over his head as a gust of wind whips around them with a rustle of leaves.

Armin covers his head too. "Yes. They've been at Hanji's this morning, and came straight to me afterwards to apologise."

"Sasha was nervous you'd be disappointed if they stayed," Eren gives away.

Armin smiles. "They look happier these days. They should be where they want to be."

Eren grins back.

Armin fixes him in scrutiny, but opposed to so many other times before, it’s an untroubled examination, rather than a worried one. "You’re looking better too.”

"I am feeling better," Eren admits, definitely not thinking about his shower that morning, though it certainly helped to lift his mood.

"How was dinner yesterday?" Armin asks with a grin of his own. Of course, he's not only speaking about dinner.

"Good," Eren answers, as casual as he can make it sound.

Clever, blue eyes glitter with mirth. "Sasha said you brought back some fish."

The sudden image of how Levi's eyes lit up when he took his first bite makes Eren grin again. "Yes."

"So…?" Armin prods. _So you’ve come to your senses then?_

"Yes," Eren admits, smiling down at his feet. "But no."

"I'm sorry," Armin says, frowning and wrinkling his nose as though lost in thought.

Eren shrugs. "It's okay." An odd, empty cold wants to gnaw at his insides as he says it, yet it’s the truth nonetheless.

"Are you sure?" Mikasa asks into the silence. Thus far, she’s been so quiet, following them like a shadow, breathing out small puffs of air.

"Yeah," Eren assures both of them. "It is."

She turns slightly to face him as she walks. "I know, Eren. I meant the no part."

Eren kicks a fir cone with his foot that sets it off flying away over the forest floor until it knocks against a tree to disappear in a heap of foliage. "Yes."

"I'm not," she says.

Nearly snapping his neck as he jerks around, he gapes at her. "What! Why?"

"Just a feeling." She calmly looks back at him, and then there it is again: A mild smile.

Sometimes Eren wonders if the Ackermans share an own language which consists of nearly the exact same gestures, curt questions, and answers.

That’s not the issue here, however. Mikasa’s familiar grey eyes are sincere and firm, so she is confident about what she said. It’s ridiculous though. Taking in Mikasa’s appearance, Eren tries to get out more information, because she’s not telling him everything she knows. Her cheeks and nose are flushed, her mouth is nuzzled into his old red—now rather flimsy—scarf, her hands are buried in her pockets. In a flash of insight, Eren realises he hasn't noticed the temperatures plummeting over night. Mikasa and Armin must be cold after walking in the frosty wind for almost two hours.

"Let's head for somewhere warmer," Eren suggests.

"I know just the place," Armin agrees with a mischievous wink.

As they enter the toasty interior of the Sparrow, Levi shoots them a brief glance from the back of the café. A smile flickers for a moment before he returns his attention to a trio of customers, to continue a conversation with a little pigtailed girl. Sitting next to her parents she points at a drawing as she speaks. Coloured crayons and sheets of paper are scattered on the tabletop in front of her, stirred up by her excited clapping and little hops. Levi nods, and she answers with an enthused chuckle before grabbing one of the crayons to continue on her art, chattering on in slightly incoherent words. “River blue, Libbi,” she declares, stumbling over the name. “Blue pretty.”

Levi hums. “Mm. What’s also blue?”

She glances up from her drawing, her tiny hand with the crayon straying away from her paper and drawing lines onto the table top. Her father hastily aims for the crayon, but she grips it tight with a sound of protest before pointing at the window. “Sky! Not today. Gwey.”

“That’s right, Vigga,” her mother says with a doting smile.

Attracted to the scene, Eren chooses a nearby table, abandoning his usual spot at the window with its view over nearly the whole café and Levi’s counter. It's silly, he knows it is, but that table stands for something private he isn't willing to share with anyone yet.

“What can I bring you?” Levi asks when he is allowed to part from the girl, a trace of warm fondness still lingering in his eyes.

“Apple tarte, please, and coffee,” Mikasa orders. She’s smiling again, this time at Levi, and now Eren starts suspecting that something is going wrong with this world. This truly goes too far.

Seemingly not sharing Eren’s opinion on Mikasa’s strange behaviour, Armin looks up at Levi. “The same for me, please.”

Levi nods and lifts an inquisitive eyebrow at Eren that has all of Eren’s worries about Mikasa’s disturbing cheerfulness dissipate within a heartbeat. The familiar churning in his stomach sets back into motion instead.

“Apple tarte too, no coffee,” he agrees with a feigned grimace, grinning as Levi comments with a snort before leaving for the counter.

No five minutes later their order arrives with three plates of apple tarte, two cups of coffee, and Eren’s tea, handed over with a conspiratorial smirk. The choice must be something new. Eren doesn't recognise the scent. Another Oolong perhaps, he muses.

“Thanks,” he says, grin widening in anticipation of the novelty.

Lips twitching, Levi hums and resumes his work. A choked sound from Eren’s left reminds him he’s not alone, and Eren drags his eyes away from Levi’s moving figure just in time to catch Armin quickly hiding a chuckle behind his hand.

“What?” Eren asks.

“Smooth,” Armin deadpans, revealing his amusement after all as he reaches for the sugar jar with sparkling blue eyes. “Really.”

Rubbing his heated neck, Eren clears his throat. Armin is right, he really has to learn how to find his chill. “Harold loves the books and note copies you gave him,” he deflects as he cuts off a piece of pastry.

Features assuming interest, Armin stirs half a teaspoon of sugar crystals into his steaming coffee. “That’s great to hear. He seems to have an inquisitive mind.”

“He does,” Eren agrees, enjoying his first bite of tart. As opposed to the apple pie, its crumbly crust is layered with thinly sliced apples in something that must be solidified cream with coarsely ground cardamom. Little pods crack on every bite, flooding Eren’s mouth with their citrusy, sharp flavour. Wonderful. “He especially liked your additional sketches and would like to come to you before you leave again. I suppose he wants to pester you with questions. If that’s all right?”

Armin nods. “Of course. I know how excited I’d have been if someone gave me information about the outside back then,” he says, expression ponderous. “I’m happy to help.”

Eren smiles. “Thank you.”

They are still sitting there and talking at closing time. After flipping the sign on the door to ‘closed’, Levi joins them at their table with his own cup of tea, his apron still on. As he takes a chair from the next table to add it to their set of three, Armin and Mikasa close ranks between them to make room for Levi at the small table. Senses perking up at their swiftness, Eren gives them a suspicious glance. Armin appears smug, Mikasa decisively innocent which does not change at Eren’s rapidly flashing glare.

Bastards.

Eren rolls his eyes at them and then freezes in mid-motion when Levi sinks down beside him, so close that their shoulders nearly brush. Eren doesn’t have to see Armin’s expression to know he’s planned this seating arrangement all along. Fuck.

“Three more days, huh?” Levi asks Armin. “Preparations going good?”

“Yeah,” Armin says. “There’s not too much to be done other than packing. Except for meetings, of course.”

“Mm. Hanji told me about them.” Levi takes a sip of his tea. His right arm is resting next to Eren’s left, and Eren can feel its proximity, even through all the layers of clothing. Levi’s right leg is too close too.

Hairs rising on his underarm, Eren concentrates on breathing normally as his insides tense with pleasure at each inhale.

Armin beams. “She found some algae in the water we brought with us.”

Levi snorts. “Good. That might keep her occupied for a while.”

In spite of his inner uproar, Eren smiles to himself. It certainly does if she’s still talking about them with Armin.

“I think it will,” Armin says with a ponderous frown. “She said they look different than from those she found in lakes.”

“Mm. Which direction will you head towards next?” Levi shifts slightly in his chair, probably to ease a cramp in his leg.

He looks different in profile. Usually, he sits opposite Eren, either here during café closing tea, or upstairs during dinner. They face each other during chess too. From this angle, his fringe seems to fall much more into his face, and Eren has a free view on his moving Adam’s apple as Levi speaks. Or when he swallows a sip of tea.

“Northwest this time,” Armin replies, his voice bright with anticipation.

Levi nods. “The mountains.”

“Yes. Old folk tales say humans used to live there. Guess we’ll find out for certain during this trip.”

“Interesting territory,” Levi agrees. “How long are you planning to stay in the field?”

Hearing them talk, Eren understands why Hanji has the impression Levi misses the military every now and then. Some parts, like the planning, the physical activity, the routines, he certainly does miss, at least a bit. The rest, however, not so much. Eren doesn’t miss the war either, not one bit. This café somehow suits Levi more anyway.

The apron suits him too.

Laughing, Armin reaches for his cup of coffee. “Sasha is almost envious. She says she’ll miss out on the bears.”

“She and Connie are staying,” Levi states.

“Yeah,” Armin affirms, taking a gulp of his coffee. “I think it’s better this way. I can understand travelling for a living is not for everyone. Take Eren for example.”

Sensing Levi’s glance on him, Eren tries to wriggle himself out of becoming the focus of this talk. “Your map making is boring, Armin,” he declares.

“They are when you are too distracted with your own thoughts to read them,” Armin retorts with another grin. “Anyway,” he continues. “I can’t wait to go again. It’s nice to have the amenities here, but it feels almost odd to sleep in a real bed.”

Levi hums into his tea cup before setting it down. “I know what you mean.”

Armin chuckles. “Yeah. Not better when there’s no one to share it with, right?”

Horrified by the implication, Eren glares at his friend. Armin smirks, grins at Levi, then stares back at Eren. Mikasa fails at stifling a giggle into her threadbare scarf.

Uncertain whether to snort or blush at the bold wriggle of Armin’s brow, Eren shakes his head and ends up doing both.

Unbe-fucking-lievable.

“More coffee, Armin?” Levi asks. His expression is blank, but there’s a certain glimmer in his eyes that Eren finds alarming.

Levi doesn’t find Armin attractive, does he?

Fingers clenching around the edge of the waxed tabletop, Eren scowls at his empty plate. Who finds Levi attractive anyway? As far as Eren can remember, Levi has never mentioned a former partner, or even friends with benefits. Eren has never heard many rumours about Levi either. At least none outside of those which involve himself, and Eren knows how far-fetched most of them sound. Still, there must be someone Levi likes. Levi deserves someone good in his life. He deserves everything.

Armin deserves to be happy too, Eren thinks, biting on his lip and shifting his leg further away from Levi’s. Of course, he does, but as little as Eren would stand in any of his friends’ way to happiness, this combination hurts far more than he wants to admit to himself. Even as a theory.

Armin shakes his head. “No, it’s dinner time. We should go.”

A small smile still lingering on her face, Mikasa nods in agreement.

Finding him the aim of three questioning glances, Eren jerks back to the present and blinks. “Huh?”

“Dinner?” Levi asks. His eyes appear even greyer this close, and Eren wishes to sink into them.

“Yes,” he murmurs, only half-remembering the actual question.

“I’ve got potatoes upstairs,” Levi offers. “Fried?”

It sounds amazing, and Eren’s stomach growls in approval. Mikasa huffs a quiet laugh.

“Well, that’s a yes.” Levi smirks.

“We’ll leave you two to it then,” Armin jokes.

To Eren’s relief, they all stand. It’s become far too dangerous for his resolve at this table. While he helps Levi to collect their dishes to carry to the sink, Mikasa and Armin slip into their cloaks before shuffling towards the counter to pay. Soon they are out of the door with a final goodbye, and Levi locks up behind them.   

With his hands deep in the soapy water, Eren listens to Levi’s closing ritual in the café, finding his mind trailing off to Mikasa's words from earlier. Although it's usually wise to listen to her instincts, Eren doesn't see what makes her think he is wrong with his assumptions in this particular case. Ever since their one night stand, which Eren counts himself responsible for, Levi has never made a move. Eren doesn't see why Levi even would, least of all why Levi would want a committed relationship with him.

His own feelings aside, Eren is so young in comparison. Still is. There's nothing he can change about that, and it's all right. His age aside, he wouldn't choose himself to have a relationship with either. On the contrary, he imagines it to be awful. Friendship is one thing, but for a life partner? Levi could have anyone. So why should he settle for Eren, with all his awkward moments and his temper? With all the blood on his hands and with his inexperience in so many things? Even theoretically. Not even to mention the Titan Shifter part. Some might find the mere idea disgusting. Most of them scary, even.

Towelling dry the first clean cup, Eren chews on his lip. Levi has never treated him as anything less than human. However, wanting to share your bed and life with someone is a completely different matter. Maybe this was even why Levi avoided Eren’s eyes on the next day. Perhaps he couldn’t face the fact that he had sex with someone who could have been an enemy.

“Ready?” Levi asks behind him.

Eren jumps, realising he’s been glowering at the cup in his hands. His movements jerk back into action as he shakes his head. “Um, no.”

“Need help?” Stepping closer, Levi takes a second towel and reaches for a plate. He seems so relaxed today. So content. Standing here in the staff department of his café, drying dishes, and filling the silence with calm breathing that easily synchronises with Eren’s own.

For the umpteenth time, the question rises in Eren’s head why Levi slept with him that night. Eren long thought it must have been out of pity or simply because Levi didn’t want to hurt Eren’s feelings after that battle by pushing him away. Levi had never made any sorts of advances before, nor after. If he wanted Eren in the same way Eren wants him, wouldn’t he have said something the next day? Or at least looked less regretful?

Then again, maybe Eren misunderstands everything. Everything in his head seems to have become so twisted. Even his revelation about loving Levi, long overdue as it was, has taken him by surprise. Are there more things he’s gotten wrong? Could Levi actually have wanted him once too?

No. Try as best as he might, Eren can’t see it. Attempting to push for a hint, an answer, or anything would be a selfish and foolish thing to do. A very foolish thing indeed. It might even drive Levi away from him, and Eren doesn't want to risk anything here. He might never get every bit of what he longs for, but he has the best part. He's got the company and the trust. Their friendship, and their new routine to look forward to every day.

Levi glances up at Eren, and Eren smiles back.

Yes, his heart says. Things are good as they are.

* * *

Back in Levi's most favourite chair, Eren is happily fed with tea, fried potatoes, and impressions of Levi. Levi even produced some bacon to add it to the pan, making the dish so absolutely wonderful that Eren can’t help but wonder if Levi’s already delicious cooking improves with every day he stays for dinner.

"So," Levi says after they've turned the chessboard around and he's moved the first pawn in another attempt at queen’s gambit. "Sasha and Connie will stay as Instructors with you?"

"Yes," Eren says, moving one of his black knights with a challenging smile that is countered by a lifted eyebrow and an approving smirk. "It's a bit odd, really. I thought they were happy out there, with their penchant for nature and everything related."

"Circumstances change," Levi offers, tapping his index finger on the armrest of his dark red corduroy chair. "If they want to start a family, it would be better for them to stay."

Thoroughly content with the world, Eren nods as he watches the glow of the fire illuminate Levi's hand.

"What about you?"

Breath hitching, and heart swooping, Eren snaps up to meet a pair of grey eyes which have assumed a slight golden hue under the firelight.

"What?" he croaks.

"Will you rejoin them when they go?"

Oh, Eren thinks. That. But still, despite the question seems to be neutral, casual even, Levi taps his finger again, and Eren knows there's more to the question.

"No," he says simply, searching Levi’s gaze in an attempt to figure out why Levi would even have to ask.

Levi nods, and when he takes a sip of his tea, his eyes are positively warm.

"Why should I leave anyway," Eren asks when a few moments have passed without further comment, and Levi has moved one of his pawns. "The new recruits arrive next week."

"Good. They'll keep you from becoming lazy." Levi is teasing him. Of course, he is.

Eren grins and can't stop himself from aiming a kick at Levi's leg around the small table between them. The good one. He knows he’ll have to choose the other one next time unless he doesn't want to be scolded.

"I'm not lazy,” he complains with an easy chuckle. “I've been on a breathtaking adventure just the day before yesterday. You know…catching wild lake beasts in the woods? It was grand."

This time there's no doubt. Levi takes another sip of tea, and his eyes crinkle in a peaceful, little smile.

Delighting in the sight, Eren moves another one of his pawns and leans back in the chair, tucking up his feet. Indeed. This is more than enough.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The wonderful blauerozen drew [this gorgeous piece of fanart](http://sugarplum-senpai.tumblr.com/post/167701442270/ive-been-wanting-to-share-this-with-you-for-so) for this chapter. Thank you so much! <3

**Twelfth of December – Snowflakes**

"To be clear on this," Levi says as Eren steps into the café the following day right before closing time. "You'd rather spend your evening with a senile bookkeeper than being at the farewell bash of your friend, who leaves in two days. To be away for another year."

"Uh, yeah," Eren says. Having admitted that out loud, it does sound a bit odd.

It's been some kind of unsaid rule in the Survey Corps that the official farewell celebrations take place two evenings before any expedition. In theory, it's supposed to insure the soldiers aren't hungover on their big day. In Eren's days it often ended in additional private parties that never helped in practice. Most celebrations ended in two crapulent occasions in a row. Squad Levi has always been an exception. They all knew better than to drop that brick.

Given other circumstances, Eren would have participated tonight. Maybe he'll join them later while they are still at it. For now, however, nothing can keep him from coming here. He would long for this place if he stayed away, even during a party among his friends.

Armin understands. He rolled his eyes when Eren excused himself earlier, then told him to go before they'd have to suffer under his sulking all evening. They've spent the whole day together. Eren helped Armin with preparations before they took another afternoon walk afterwards. They will see each other again tomorrow again. So there's no reason why Eren shouldn't be here instead. He's never liked parties much at any rate. They always feel like a distraction from everything else demanding his attention.

Also, Levi doesn't like bookkeeping. He shouldn't have to endure it alone.

This night there's no paperwork for Eren to work on. Not only has he already finished everything on his table last Thursday, but of course Hanji hasn't given him any since then. Not to mention that if she discovered Eren worked tonight, he'd never hear the end of it. Needless to say, Levi knows this too.

"And what will you be doing all evening?" he asks. Something like amusement ghosts around his lips, but he’s doing a rather good job of biting it back. It doesn’t fool Eren, though.

"I brought a book." He grins, holding it aloft.

Levi’s eyes narrow in disbelief at the declaration. “Since when do you read?”

“I just felt like it?” Eren attempts, glancing at the slightly battered cover with fading ink. “Sasha said it’s good. And you’re not senile,” he objects.

The twitch of an eyebrow is accompanied by another quirk of a reluctant smile which Eren wishes to see more of. So much so, that he can’t help but follow the impulse to cock his head and purse his lips, as though in thought.

Letting his gaze wander over Levi behind his brass counter—broad neck, white shirt, black apron—Eren smirks. “A codger, perhaps.”

Levi snorts, shoving a plate of spongy chocolate cake over the counter. “Brat.”

“Captain,” he retorts with a lingering grin. Basking in the subsequent glare that's somewhat undermined by sparkling eyes, Eren accepts his plate and moves to his seat.

He doesn't know why, but for the first time, he truly is grateful for Hanji's work instructions. Maybe it's the fishing trip or accepting what he wants and feels. Whatever it is, the awkward tension that has been occupying his shoulders and chest for longer than he can remember seems to be fading, if gradually.

Then again, maybe it's just him, he thinks as a cup of tea is put in front of him without comment. He smiles at the steam rising out of it in a lazy plume that reluctantly dissolves in the air upon a flowery scent. He's feeling better than he has since Shingashina fell. He feels more relaxed, and his head is clearer as well. He hasn't felt this way for too long. Never really. Not since his childhood anyway. There's always been something. A war. The war changing. More war. Being restless afterwards for too fucking long whilst attempting to escape from himself. He's never felt this at ease, and though there's still a long way to go, at least he's not running away anymore. Finally, he's found his home.

It’s not HQ. Not his quarters filled with nothing that matters much, except for an admittedly questionable drawing of a bird that resides in his kitchen. His two rooms feel cold and vacant when compared to where he visits each evening. It's not really this place either. It's all of it. It's Levi. It's his café and his apartment upstairs. His little oasis of calmness and comfort with all its flavours centre on Levi's voice and presence, the grey eyes that Eren can't turn his gaze away from.

He digs his fork into the cake as a question flashes through his mind. Why does Levi feed him with cake every evening?

Levi knows they will have dinner together later. On the other hand, feeding Eren is what Levi does. Even during their shared Survey Corps days, he made sure Eren had enough to eat; more than the other soldiers because of his demanding Titan metabolism and the straining experiments with Hanji. Levi always paid attention to every transformation which always took a toll on him.

Eren remembers too well the lectures he got whenever he fainted in the middle of a drill because of skipping lunch. First came a decisively calm one from a seething Levi. Then Eren faced a near-hysterical outburst from an agitated Hanji followed by a short, but insightful, lesson on dealing with Hanji’s zeal by Moblit. The lectures continued with a tirade from Mikasa and Armin later that day. All of which was trumped by a snappy rant from Jean about how Eren wanted to not only kill himself in _“all this fucking shit,”_ but everybody else because they had to look after him like he was a brainless child. _“Fucking suicidal bastard!”_ Eren had never been this furious and ashamed of himself.

The embarrassing memory is cast away by the first piece of pastry that seems to melt on his palate. Sighing in content at the savoury flavour, Eren takes his time finishing it to the last savoury crumb.

A cheerful “Goodbye Levi. See you soon, Eren,” comes from the door, attracting his attention to a brisk wave and dark, crow’s feet framed eyes meeting his.

“See you, Erika,” he replies with a smile.

She covers her ash blond hair under her coat’s hood, and after a tinkle of the bell her tall, wiry figure hurries past the window front towards HQ.

While Levi locks up the café one hour early, as with every Monday, Eren collects his plate and cup before he rises from his seat. Levi is still mopping the floor by the time the dishes are clean and back on their shelves, so Eren takes a washcloth without hesitation and begins to wipe the tables. When he receives nothing except a pointed sigh at his determination, Eren smiles to himself. It may be a small victory, but it feels like a groundbreaking change.

He’s wiping down the last table as the soft cloth in his hands is caught by a splinter of wood. Startled, he lets his finger run over the spot, only to find a small yet significant dent in the beautiful tabletop. His fingertips trail on, only to catch another one, and another. A multitude of them, scattered in an irregular, angry pattern of the size of his hand. He takes a breath to ask Levi about it, but Levi already answers.

“Vigga,” he says, standing three steps away and glancing at the sight of destruction before meeting Eren’s frown again. “She dropped half a bagel last spring and threw an impressive tantrum about it with a spoon. She’s two,” he adds at Eren’s puzzled expression.

“Oh.” Running his hand once more over the blemished surface, Eren frowns. It still doesn’t feel right. “Why don’t you grind it off?”

Levi folds his arms. “It’s just a table. She’ll decorate it with her drawings for a couple of years anyway.”

The image of a small, pigtailed girl beaming at Levi over her art at this very table only yesterday flashes up in Eren’s head, explaining why the name seemed familiar. The scene unfolds, morphing into memories of Levi asking questions at the multitude of blue, green, and red crayons, and the smile spreading on Eren’s face from deep within is filled with a tender fondness that folds around his heart.

Levi is right, of course. It’s just a table.  

“Bread and cheese for dinner?” Levi asks after a pause. He hasn’t moved from his position as he regards Eren with a curious look.

Giving the table one final wipe with the cloth, Eren nods. “Yes.”

* * *

Once fed with rye bread and goat curd, Levi starts with his numbers, whereas Eren settles down in the corduroy seat to read his book. This chair, he has to admit, is very nice too. No wonder Jean likes to sit in the ones downstairs when he draws in the café. It's not quite the same as the leather armchair, but it's comfy in a whole different way. It feels more like being steadied instead of receiving a soothing embrace. It smells like Levi too, only stronger because there's no characteristic scent like the leather mingling with it.

Snuggled into his new favourite chair, Eren reads. The words are accompanied by the rustling of paper and the sound of a pen scribbling notes. By Levi shifting on his chair. By the occasional rattle of a cup being lifted and placed down again. The flames to Eren’s right flicker lively in the hearth, and before Eren knows it, he is drifting away into a sleep filled with warmth.

"Eren," Levi says.

Snapping awake, Eren glances up into a pair of grey eyes. Close. They are so close, and Eren has to swallow before he can answer.

"What?" he asks, his voice surprisingly steady.

"It's snowing." Gentle lips forming the words. Dark hair falling over a pale brow.

Eren blinks against the lingering drowsiness. "Mm?"

"Snow," Levi elaborates. "Want to go outside?"

Levi loves winter, Eren thinks. He loves the snow and how it swallows the rush of the world until everything is hushed and quiet. Of course, he'd want to look at it.

Eren nods, rubbing his eyes. "Okay. Let's go then."

They gather their boots, jackets and cloaks. As they step out of the café with the familiar tinkle of the bell, Eren can see it has been snowing for a while. A thin blanket of white covers everything so neatly, it’s as though someone had taken a big sieve and sprinkled the world with powdery sugar like cake. It's beautiful. Eren smiles.

They begin to walk through the streets, two silent figures in green, minds in harmony but each drifting away in an own trail of thoughts.

They walk until the café is far behind them, reaching the outskirts of the town. The farmer's fields begin to stretch all the way to the horizon. It's all white now as well.

"It looks so different this way, doesn't it?" Levi asks, and Eren looks at him.

Yes, Levi truly does. Star-shaped, white snowflakes are gently resting on his hair, about to melt into glistening drops of water. His cheeks are pink with cold, his lips red and wet from numerous attempts to warm them between his teeth. All Eren can do is stop and stare.

He is stupid. So utterly, fucking stupid. He knows he is, but his heart is beating so fast while everything inside of him screams to fucking do something. So he takes that step and looks at those tasty lips.

Levi has gone quiet and still. When Eren looks into his eyes, they look back, and to his surprise, they are warm, shining and inviting. Eren knows all he has to do is bend down to take what he wants.

"Eren."

A whisper so close that the enticing warmth of Levi's breath fans over his face, their lips nearly touching. Oh, fuck, yes!

"Eren," louder now, almost a question.

There's a hand on his upper arm and the scent of Levi is everywhere, surrounding him. It’s coming from a source very close to him and startlingly far away as well. Just like that the landscape and the snow are gone.

He is back in front of a fireplace, curled up in a comfortable chair.

"Eren."

He opens his eyes and blinks at the man standing in front of him, squeezing his arm. He looks beautiful in the firelight, and in his sleep-hazy mind all Eren can think of is that it is his man.

His Levi.

Then he snaps awake and jerks up in the seat. "Oh, shit…I mean…I'm sorry. I fell asleep." Something slides out of his hands, and it takes the soft thump of an object colliding with a padded seating cushion for Eren to remember Sasha’s book.

"So I saw." A smile tugs at the corners of Levi's mouth. Eren has to look somewhere else as he grabs up the book and clutches it against his aching chest.

The loss rips him apart from deep within. He thought he had Levi, right there in his arms, within reach. Only a heartbeat away.

Reality hurts.

"The question I had was,” Levi continues. “Why are you kipping in my chair?"

Seizing the offered distraction, Eren looks down at the object in question and nods, hoping the movement will bring his mind back onto the right track.

"The leather one is yours too," he explains with a voice that sounds weak to his own ears.

"Fair point,” Levi admits. “Would you mind moving your lazy arse over there for a game of chess?"

"Yes, actually," Eren manages, more insistent because he so will not stand up right now. That’s a very, very bad idea. "I would. I like it in here."

"Tch. As you wish." Levi sits down in his most favourite chair. His prior smirk is gone, overcast by an almost apprehensive frown. It deepens with a small tug of his lips as if he was searching for words, yet he remains silent, and Eren clears his throat.

Stuffing the book next to him onto the seat cushion, Eren stretches his back and arms to force the last traces of the dream out of his head into the nothingness where it belongs. It's bad enough to have such fantasies at night in his own bed, but here? It is definitely the wrong place to indulge them.

While Levi props the chessboard up on the coffee table, Eren opens the wooden box with the pieces so they can begin setting up. As if the chairs would determine which side is set up by whom, Eren reaches for the black pieces without further thought.

It earns himself another estimating glance from Levi. "You're in a rebellious mood today," he observes.

"A free Monday does that to you, I suppose," Eren mumbles, pulling at his hair band to let his strands conceal a set of earlobes that feel as if they're burning.

Levi hums. "So it seems.” There’s a brief, tense pause before he speaks on. “What have you been doing with your free time?"

Grateful for the harmless question, Eren summons a mild smile. He promised himself to not make Levi uncomfortable, and he won't. "Helping Armin."

"Isn't that working?" Levi darts a lifted brow at him alongside a trace of gleaming mirth in his eyes.

"No," Eren insists, aware of the fact he's being stubborn, yet he won’t let himself get chided for this. "It's helping. That's why it's called 'help' and not 'work'."

Levi snorts, redirecting his attention to the chessboard. The nearby fire crackles, sending cheerful sparks into the hearth, and casting warm shadows on a faint, lingering smile.

Finally arrived back in reality to the fullest, Eren remembers how he ended up in this chair to begin with. "How late is it?" he asks, pushing a black knight into its rightful place and waiting for Levi to reach for a tower in the shrinking pile of figurines before fetching the black king. It's unusual for them to have a game of Monday chess, but even more so to have two in a row.

"Not too late," Levi says. His voice is calm, his posture relaxed, soothing the last traces of Eren’s irritation.

"The numbers were good to you, then?" he surmises, lifted by Levi’s easy smile.

"They were. I made fresh tea if you want some."

Tea sounds fantastic. "Yes, please."

While Levi fills him a cup, Eren takes two pawns from each side of the chessboard and hides them in his hands, trying not to think too much of white snowflakes glistening on black hair.

"Left or right?"


	15. Chapter 15

**Thirteenth of December – An Oak Leaf**

Tuesday comes and with it—in a mocking cruelty of fate, or whatever evil forces are responsible—the snow.

Confronted with the snowy scenery, the teenagers are buzzing with excitement during breakfast. The boisterous anticipation vibrates through HQ with a wall-permeating hum. Aware the weather is far more attractive than his planned lecture on Military history, Eren tells them to gather their gear and meet him outside on the training grounds. It is the perfect time for another drill in the woods. There are lots of snowflakes for them to run in, look at, and to revel in whilst burning off excessive energy. Same is true for himself.

He stayed long at Levi's yesterday. Long enough that he would have fallen back to sleep in his chair if Levi hadn’t kicked him out. Leave it to Levi to tell him they were both too fucking old to sleep in chairs and point out Eren had a bunch of Trainees to teach this morning. A task which would be done better without a headache and stiff neck. With a roll of his eyes, Eren refrained from retorting Levi surely was the one to talk about sleeping in chairs. Instead, he let it slide, emptied his cup of Gunpowder, and went home. It had yet to snow when he reached his quarters.

Now, however, it is, and shows no sign of abating. Thick fluffy flakes whirl through the air with no noise at all and settle on the ground to cover everything under a muffling veil of white. The quiet surrounding them is omnipresent, giving the group an almost secluded feeling. All Eren can hear is his own breath and their movements as they rustle over the forest floor.

It's good to be back to a usual workday routine. He needs the drills just as much as the kids today—everything which keeps him distracted from that dream. Why did it have to feel so damn real? His armour is crackling, and that can’t be good.

As the kids fly past him through the woods in blurry green movements, Eren is glad to notice each Trainee is making progress. With no animals in sight to distract him today, even Harold is doing such a stunning job that Eren desperately wishes for one more week without injuries.

By lunchtime, the kids are all warm and glowing from the exercise despite the cold temperatures outside. Feeling ravenous for a change, Eren shoos them into the mess hall, where he takes a seat next to his friends with his generous portion of comforting stew. After last night’s celebrations, most of them were exceptionally quiet and sensitive to noise during the morning. Now most hangovers have abated, and lunch passes with a lot of chatter.

“I picked up new notebooks and writing utensils from the scribe this morning,” Armin says. “This time the ink should last in any case.” He winks at Connie who pulls a face though he grins.

“I told you it was an accident,” Connie insists over Sasha’s boisterous laugh, resting an elbow onto the table in ill-feigned exasperation.

“Uh-huh.” Bright anticipation already sparkles in Armin's eyes, telling Eren more than he needs to know about his friend's state of mind.

Armin truly misses the travelling, Eren realises, and he's happy for him.

Eyes equally bright as Armin’s, Sasha wraps her arm around his shoulders. “We’ll miss you too, my friend.”

“I’m glad to hear that.” He smiles at her and fastens his hand around his slice of rye bread that her free hand reached for. “I still won't give you my bread.”

She lets go of his shoulders with a sigh. “Ah, well. It was worth a try.” She smiles warmly. “We’ll still miss you.”

Mikasa next to Armin agrees with a silent nod, and Eren frowns. Although he's known about the next mission all along, the fact that Armin leaves tomorrow suddenly hits Eren hard. He wishes for a bit more time, only a little bit more; but he knows he won’t spend his evening at HQ.

He sighs into his bowl, and Armin shoots him an understanding smile across the table.

"How was the celebration?" Eren asks, finding a weak yet cordial smile for Armin’s benefit.

"Don't mention any of it," Jean growls to his surprise. As opposed to the rest of them, he's still looking a bit pale and has been extraordinarily quiet all day. His usual foul mood is missing too, replaced by a distant expression that gets marred by a wince and a grimace whenever a shrill cheer erupts from the Trainee table.

Mikasa pats Jean’s hand with a gentle smile before giving it a commiserating squeeze and looking back into the round. "Guess who's been throwing up at training today," she explains.

Sasha snorts, choking on her stew.

The scowl Jean tries to reproach Mikasa with is defied by a trace of pink dusting his cheeks that lingers when he resumes brooding into his lunch. "Oh, shut up,” he mutters at the commenting chuckles, yet leaves his hand under Mikasa’s to lace their fingers. “I hate you. All of you."

"It was good." Armin grins. "Interesting. "How was dinner?" he returns the question with another wink.

"Good," Eren growls.

He really doesn't want to talk about that, so he frowns at Jean who still has his hand wrapped around Mikasa’s and now leans against her shoulder with a mumbled question that sounds like a morose “It did not hit you, did it?”

Mikasa’s fond smile is accompanied by a quiet “no,” and Eren decides he for once agrees with Jean about something. He definitely does not want to talk about this new development either. About any of it. He's so glad he went to Levi's yesterday. As happy as he is for them, he doesn't wish to be in the middle of their…whatever started yesterday.

He forces his eyes back to Armin who merely shrugs with an amused smile, indicating a “took them long enough,” that threatens to turn into one of his nosy questions.

Grasping for a distraction, Eren decides to change the topic of conversation. "So, leaving with snow, huh?" he asks, seizing the first question that pops up in his head and wanting to mentally punch himself for his unreasonable trail of thoughts.

"It's great, isn't it?" Armin beams.

"All settled for tomorrow?" Connie asks.

Armin nods. "Yes. All we have to do is wake up and leave."

"When will you set out?" Sasha asks, rubbing her hand where Armin slapped it away from a second attempt at pilfering his bread.

Eyebrows shooting up in approving surprise, Eren can't help but be impressed by the impeccable reflex. Going by Mikasa’s curious glance, she is as well. Then again, Armin and Sasha have spent two years on the road together.

"With dawn." Armin chuckles. “And will you desist trying to steal my bread, you nuisance.”

“You _will_ miss us,” Sasha declares, ruffling Armin's hair before sinking against the backrest of her chair in final defeat.

“You'll miss me too,” Armin counters and offers her the remains of his bread after all.

Dawn, Eren thinks with a small jolt of relief at Sasha’s delighted cheer. Not too early. They can have a proper goodbye then.

The rest of the day passes with more outdoor exercises. Snow is still falling gently, so Eren isn't surprised when, with the last drill being over, the Trainees’ excitement remains unchanged. After rushing into HQ only to drop off their gear, everyone hurries back outside to pelt each other with snowballs and stuff snow into each other’s collars. The accompanying cheering and screaming elicit a flicker of bright fondness in Eren’s chest as he watches them from his quarters. By law they're adults. By their files they're Scouts, but they're still thirteen year old, enthusiastic teenagers most of all.

Ignoring the snowball fight, Mia, Rita, and Harold walk a bit aside to build a small snow figure at the end of the court.

When Eren passes it on his way to Levi's later, his heart makes a small, affectionate kick, as the figure looks like Selma, though bigger. A cone marks her beak, a pair of tiny black stones display her eyes, and some old cloth is wrapped around her, standing for her bandage. She even has feet made of branches and letters reading ‘Thank you, Instructor Eren,’ written in the snow next to her. Carefully wiping away some fresh snowflakes resting on her eyes, beak, and dressing, Eren smiles, picks up a nearby branch and adds his own message to the first. ‘Get well soon.’

He's still smiling when he opens the café’s door, and is welcomed by a familiar figure sitting at the counter.

“Speak of the devil, Eren!” Norman booms. He’s nursing a steaming tea cup that looks like a small, fragile toy in his massive hands. “Well, what a surprise. Come in, lad, before you catch a cold in that snow.”

“Hello Norman,” Eren greets him, kicking the worst bits of salty snow and mud off his boots before entering the Sparrow. Levi’s half-smile at the gesture is a mere twitch of his lips as he reaches for a fresh tea cup. Yet the tiny upkick doesn’t escape Eren’s notice. Chest warming from anew, he focuses on Norman, who beams at him.

His mane is wild as ever, as is his long beard, which has begun to lighten with age. Partial strands have assumed a golden blond that marble the fiery red. His shoulders are broad, his figure almost too big for the wooden barstools at the counter. With his roaring voice, he could be an intimidating bear of a man if it weren’t for his twinkling blue eyes and his welcoming smile that betray the rest of his appearance in an instant. Both, smile and eyes, are directed at Eren now, brightening in a cordial invitation that is supported by a pair of lifted, bushy eyebrows. “We were just talking about you. Would you mind joining us?”

“Um…” Slipping out of his snow-damp coat, Eren darts a curious glance at Levi—who in return shoots a look of mild exasperation at Norman—and nods. “All right.”

“I reinstalled the rack,” Levi offers as he puts a second steaming cup next to Norman’s. “Your coat must be dripping.”

“Thanks,” Eren says, hanging his cloak onto a rack of hooks next to the bathroom door. The floor below has been covered with old newsprint that’s already crinkled from being soaked by a whole day worth of coats. Now the café is close to empty though, with only Norman sitting at the counter.

“I must say, I don’t envy you for your job in this weather, lad,” Norman sighs as Eren joins him, taking the bar stool to his right.

He shrugs. “It’s not bad.”

Norman’s blue eyes crinkle in a bellowed laugh. “Well, if you say so.” He takes a sip of his tea with a content hum. “Ah, Evelyn will be delighted to hear I met you today. How have you been? I’ve been hearing only good things, of course, but it’s always better to hear it first hand.”

A plate with a cinnamon roll is put before him without further comment, and though Eren can resist grinning at Levi like the sappy fool he apparently has become, he can’t stifle his grin entirely. Sugar and spices are exactly what he needs right now.

“I’m good.” He says, takes a generous bite of the pastry that softens his smile into a blissful sigh. “Thank you,” he says at the flavour exploding in his mouth.

Norman glows. “You’re welcome, lad. I know how much you like ‘em.”

Levi makes an odd little sound, but by the time Eren looks up, his face gives away nothing aside from a relaxed expression.

“We haven’t met for so long, it feels like ages,” Norman prods with a curious gleam in his eyes. “What’s new in your life?”

Taking a careful sip of his Oolong, Eren ponders possible answers in his head. _I found out I’m in love with my best friend, and he can’t know. He drew me a bird, helping me vet said bird and make a Trainee very happy. Also helped me with helping the same Trainee out of some qualms that might have become a problem with his desired choice of life. I want to give Levi the world, and apparently, he looks gorgeous in the snow, at least in my dreams._

“Nothing much,” he declares with an indifferent shrug to make it sound certain, feeling Levi’s glance on him and determinedly avoiding to meet it, flushing earlobes be damned.

Norman shakes his big head. “Don’t be silly. It must have been over a month since we last spoke. There’ve been rumours all over town you have a patient in your class recently. Was it a blackbird?”

Rita, Eren thinks. “Oh, yes, we do,” he replies. “She’s chatty.”

Levi snorts.

Norman nods, expression serious. “Oh, yeah, so they are. Lively birds. And how are Harold’s bruises?” He gives a conciliatory wave at Eren’s lifted eyebrow. “Don’t look so surprised, lad. He and Rita came in on Thursday with their little girlfriend before your trip, asking for some grains they could use to feed the bird.”

“Oh,” Eren says. Of course, everybody knows close to everything in this town. Even more, including the rumours. “Harold is doing fine,” he says. “His nose is healing well.”

A satisfied hum makes Norman’s beard quiver. “That’s good to hear. You must be glad to be back from your trip, especially in this weather, eh? There aren’t many places as toasty as this one. Or as cosy. Your Captain did a good job with this place, I must say. Don’t you think?”

Fondness towards this gruffy, big man swarms Eren’s body, mingling with an approval so warm it twists painfully in his chest. He does want to talk about Levi. About his café and how beautiful it is. But he fears saying anything would be too much, too betraying, and so he merely nods. “It’s great, yes,” he manages, reflecting an honest smile that threatens to rip him apart over everything unsaid.

“You mentioned you want to buy a new can of tea, Norman?” Levi asks into Eren’s silence.

Regarding Eren for a moment longer, Norman nods, and turns to Levi. “Yes, that would be lovely. Evelyn’s favourite Gyokuro is coming to an end.”

“I had a feeling.” Levi reaches under the counter to produce a small rectangular caddie, a sheet of wax paper, and sealing tools. “How is Evelyn?”

“Good, she’s good. Sends her love for you both, by the way.”

Chopping off some sealing wax pieces with his knife, Levi hums. “Tell her thanks.” He collects the chips of wax on a spoon to heat it over a candle on his counter.

“Is everything going well with Frey?” Norman asks, reaching for his cup again as the pungent scent of sealing wax fills the air.

“It is,” Levi replies, flicking a look that’s equal parts reprimanding and mild at Eren when Eren unsolicited holds the loose flap of the wax paper in place, so Levi can handle liquid wax and seal more easily.

“Ah, wonderful,” Norman rumbles at the finished item when Levi sets it before him. “What do I owe you?”

“Scratch this week’s bagels off my bill,” Levi says.

“Will do,” Norman agrees, empties his cup, and lifts himself off his barstool before trudging to the coat rack to fetch his thick jacket. “Have a lovely evening, you two. It’s good to have someone in this cold, and winter hasn’t even begun yet.”

Ignoring the urge to look at Levi, Eren nods at Norman’s departing figure before tending back to his cinnamon roll and tea with a heavy stone seemingly resting somewhere in his guts.

After reinfusing the Oolong leaves in the pot and flipping over the sign on the door, Levi refills first Eren’s, then his cup and leans against the counter, gaze directed at the whirl of white on the other side of the windows. He’s wearing a black jumper today instead of his usual white shirt, the wide, woollen collar revealing his neck, nape, and collarbones.

Desperate to trace the pale skin under the soft looking hem with his fingertips, Eren bites on his lip a with quickening breath. It doesn’t help that Levi’s eyes reflect the scene outside as if they were made to do so. As if they could see beyond the world.

Norman’s words about having someone in this cold still ring in Eren’s ears, having him wish for them to be true. Longing clenches his throat and stomach.

“You okay?” Levi asks with a solicitous frown at Eren’s quietness.

Eren looks back, set on the determination to not lose his control at the sight of grey eyes that have abandoned the view of the window to now search his face. “Nothing to worry,” he says, half-pondering about who exactly he’s trying to persuade here.

Norman’s words continue to ghost through his mind when he is standing in the tiny kitchen in the staff department. Listening to the familiar movements of Levi's closing routine, Eren washes a small pile of dishes, including Norman’s, Levi’s, and his own share. It's nice china, he thinks warmly, same as nearly every evening. It's white, simple, and unadorned, but classy. It fits in here, and the thought of Levi choosing exactly this one for his café over all the others makes Eren smile.

Levi appears in the doorway and slips out of his apron with a whisper of the fabric. "Finished?"

"Yes," Eren says, towelling dry the final plate. He turns around to put it back where it belongs, hangs the towel onto its provided hook, and stops utterly dead in his track as he senses a movement in his back, followed by a soft huff indicating a smile, and something moving through his hair.

It's fingers. Cool, careful fingers, and they are pulling at his strands over his nape, causing a rush of pleasant shivers to ripple down his neck and shoulder. The contact makes his heart race, his stomach drop, and he feels like the room is running out of air. The loud groan that wants to escape, he can barely hold back, and Eren whips around, his right hand shooting up to the back of his head in protection.

"Leaf," Levi explains, hand in midair.

Yes, now Eren can see it himself, caught between Levi's index finger and thumb.

Oak, his brain supplies unhelpfully. "Oh," he manages, wishing the fingers would let go of the leaf and return to his hair, pull him closer.

"Did you run through the woods today by any chance?" Levi asks with a smirk.

"Um…yeah," Eren starts and presses forward. "The kids were so full of energy this morning when they saw the…uh…the snow, and I wouldn't have been able to keep them concentrated on theory stuff. So…you know. I thought the sooner they learn to loathe the cold wetness, for this season at least, the sooner I can get them interested in that other stuff again with the learning part in the warmth inside?" He is rambling. He knows he is, but Levi doesn't seem to mind.

"Did they like it?" he asks instead.

"Yes." Eren nods and drags his eyes away from Levi’s lips before he does something he’ll regret. "Yes, they did. Harold even built a snow bird."

Twirling the leaf between his fingers in slow circles, Levi smiles. "Hm. Dinner?"

Something in Levi’s voice makes Eren's adrenaline pumped senses listen slower than usual. It's barely there, but there is a hesitation in the tone. A faint ambivalence as if the expected answer would be 'no.' Eren wonders if he's always missed it, or if it's only there tonight. He thought it was a casual question, as if being asked 'shall we?' or 'the weather sure is nice today, isn't it?' It now dawns on him with a sharp needling through his chest, that it maybe isn't casual at all, and—even worse—that it probably never has been. Frowning he thinks back.

When has he ever given Levi the feeling he would decline? Or that he didn't want to be here with him? Eren can't recall. However, no matter how much he enjoys to be here, he also can't remember initiating the actual dinner part, not even once. He thinks about Mikasa's daily question at lunch and startles. She hasn't asked him today. She hasn't asked him yesterday either.

Because the day before yesterday, Eren realises, they talked.

Has he left Levi hanging in the air for the past year? Levi isn't the one to just assume things or to make others do something they might not enjoy. So he asks whenever he's uncertain. Even if that means asking every single night if dinner is an option.

It would explain all the cake too.

Eren cringes within himself. Has he really been such a self-absorbed idiot all this time?

"Yes," he answers, to both Levi's question and his own, silent one. Now that he knows what to look for, he catches the short flicker of softening in Levi's eyes. He has been such a fucking idiot. He has to fix Levi’s uncertainty once and for all.

"Always," he adds, and because he really, really needs the message to come home, he holds Levi's slightly frowning gaze with a helpless gesture towards first Levi, then himself. "You don't have to ask. I like this."

"Okay," comes eventually. Otherwise, Levi has gone completely still.

"Don't feel obligated to doing this either, Eren hastens to continue. "Just tell me when I'm being a plague, and I'll leave, all right? I don't want to impose."

Levi nods, just barely smiling down at the oak leaf that's begun to rotate between his fingers again in slow, irregular circles. "Okay." He swallows.

"Good," Eren replies. Pauses. “Do I impose?” he blurts before he can stop himself, because as much as he dreads the answer, his need to be certain is stronger.

Levi’s glance snaps up with a peculiar expression which sends Eren stomach swooping, though before he can pinpoint it down, Levi swallows once more and shakes his head. “No. You don't.”

Leaning against the tiny kitchen counter for support, Eren exhales. “Good.”

Silence falls over the staff department, stretches into something unseizable, and despite his relief, the tension is building in Eren’s shoulders again. He only hopes he did the right thing. Because if Levi really has been thinking he'd rather be anywhere else for dinner but here, what else has he been thinking?

Stop, Eren tells himself, just stop. Go through this evening and the evening after that and the evening after that. Figure it out one step at a time. He always rushes forward with the force of a bull, and he needs to fucking stop doing so and look at his surroundings before he misses even more important things. He inhales deeply. Sighs.

"Tea?" Levi asks, eyebrow lifted.

Eren chuckles. "Yeah, actually. Tea would be great."

Holding the oak leaf, Levi smiles and nods towards the staircase to his flat. "Then come. The corduroy chair is off limits though."

We'll see, Eren thinks with a snort and follows him upstairs.


	16. Chapter 16

**Fourteenth of December – A Corduroy Chair**

The morning air is biting cold when Eren stands outside HQ and watches the Exploration Squads in their final preparations for their leave. It's the familiar hustle and bustle of soldiers, horses, and farewells in the air, but as opposed to his early Survey Corps days, the mingling anticipation is more of a happy kind than a wary one.

Mikasa stands next to him, as does Jean, while Connie and Sasha talk to their leaving friends. They also say their goodbyes to a few horses they'll miss as soon as the procession will be out of sight. They're both grinning widely though, and Eren is looking forward to working with them.

The first trace of dawn is already greying the black of the night sky when Armin comes over with skipping steps over the compressed snow. He punches Jean's arm with a grin and then hugs Mikasa and Eren tight before Sasha pulls him into a group hug with Connie.

"Take care, guys." He grins, winks at Eren one more time with a “good luck.”

Eren frowns, but before he can ask what that’s supposed to mean, Armin is gone.

“Yup,” Jean says as the sounds of waggons and horses fade in a muted blast of stirred up snowflakes whipping around their heads. “Weird to see him go.” Yesterday’s hangover has loosened its grip on him for good, and he hasn’t stopped looking at Mikasa since breakfast with a doting smile which Eren has no other word for than insufferable. Now, however, his mouth is set in a grim line.

“Armin can look after himself,” Mikasa says into her scarf. Her words are so quiet that Eren suspects she’s more talking to herself than answering Jean.

Still, the crease on Jean’s brow deepens, and a heavy breath escapes his mouth in a white cloud. “I know.” He sighs, eyes fixed on the gate. “I know.”

Jean doesn't have to add Armin is one of them and on his own now for Eren to hear the thought. He tries to picture himself on one of the horses in the distance, failing with a faint shudder as he’s hit with another frosty gust.

For a moment he wonders if Levi felt a similar mixture of nostalgia and wistfulness when he stood here to say his goodbye two years ago. The recollection of Levi’s face and posture that day—dark circles under his tired eyes, lips pressed together in a protective scowl, and arms folded before his chest—makes Eren frown at the sinking feeling deep in his guts. It carries the reminder of mist and the long gone impulse to embrace and hold on tight, so tight, but then Connie laughs, interrupting Eren’s reflection.

“Why, Jean?” Connie teases, poking his elbow into Jean’s side. “Do you think it will get boring now with us around? I’m hurt.”

Jean huffs a snort into the cold sunrise and draws Connie into a headlock which only lasts for two seconds before Connie’s struggles out of the grip.

“Pinhead.”

“Always happy to oblige,” Connie chuckles before shoving a handful of snow into Jean’s face.

The reminiscence of the Exploration team being gone follows Eren throughout the whole day. Where laughter and constant patter filled the corridors during the past ten days is now a reticent lack of sounds and soldiers. With the new recruitments arriving tomorrow, Eren thinks of it as the quiet before a storm. Another Trainee Corps added to the grounds will make HQ noisier than it ever was soon enough.

"My favourite Instructor trio," Hanji greets from her chair as Connie, Sasha, and Eren see her that afternoon. The day has not brought new snow, though the heavy blanket of clouds looming low on the other side of her office window is still grey, sending a dim yet intense light over the grounds. "Tomorrow is the big day and I am looking forward to working with you."

They grin, standing in front of Hanji’s cluttered desk.

"Since Eren already has practice with training first years, I am handing him this task for the next term, but not completely. You will do the theory with them, Eren, and some of the gear and resilience drills, which you will continue to do so with your current Trainees also," Hanji instructs, leant back in her chair.

He nods. "All right."

"Sasha and Connie, you will share teaching them about survival skills, handling the horses, self-defence, and also some of the gear drills."

"Yes," they say.

As far as Eren can say for himself, he's confident this is the best solution for all of them. Harold, Rita, and Mia will be glad too. They've already asked him if he will continue teaching them next term.

"I want you to talk to each other about the Cadets’ progress and work together where you can,” Hanji proceeds. “Since I don't know who, and how many will come tomorrow, I don't have any numbers or names for you yet. I will provide you with everything you need as soon as I can, maybe in the course of the day, maybe not until Friday morning. Let’s see…”

She rummages in a stack of files on her desk, scratching the back of her head before she pulls out a crumpled sheet of paper. “Ah, there! Introduction round will be held on Friday morning at eight when everyone has settled in. Training starts on Monday." Hanji looks at them with fondness brightening her brown eyes behind her thick glasses. "I've got a good feeling about this. Make it a great year, yes?"

The kids are indeed happy when Eren starts his final training lesson of the day with the announcement they won't have to part ways with the next session. They are also overjoyed at the news of Connie and Sasha joining the Instructors camp, and taking on some of their lessons.

Since an impressive amount of excitement about the snow lingers, Eren opts for another set of drills in the woods. As evening approaches, the cadets are becoming a bit tired of the weather, though Eren suspects a night of rest will bring them right back to the start.

When he asks Levi later that day if his group had been that exhausting too, Levi blinks at him over his cup of café closing tea and bursts into full-throated laughter which makes Eren’s stomach tighten in the most pleasant ways.

"What?" Eren asks when Levi’s seems to recover.

Levi laughs again. The jolting hand which is holding onto his tea cup on its saucer nearly spills the Gunpowder, and Eren can’t stop feasting his eyes. Levi is beautiful when he laughs, and Eren—though he can't shake the feeling this somehow is at his expense—certainly won't be the one to break the amusement.

Something has shifted between them as of yesterday. Something he can't really put a finger on, but knows it is there. It is there in Levi's unconstrained laughter and in the way he seems to be more relaxed. It’s there in his eyes too. A certain ease that wants to flutter in Eren’s heart and lift it up into his throat.

Levi wears his black jumper from yesterday again, reminding Eren of oak leaves, of fingers just barely coursing through his hair, and of long overdue admissions in the staff department. He received no complementary cake to his tea today, a thought that makes the anticipation of dinner all the sweeter.

Levi doesn't ask before they head up to his place either. He lets Eren help with tidying, grunts his charming disapproval as Eren heads out into the frost to shovel excessive snow off the pavement, and then they leave.

Upstairs their own, small revolution continues.

"Your turn to decide on the tea, mine to make dinner," Levi declares as soon as they step into the kitchen, leaving their shoes and boots next to each other on a rack by the entrance door. "Tomorrow it will be the other way around."

"Is that so?" Eren asks, endeared by the new ritual and about the fact that Levi must have thought about this long enough to come up with such a routine.

Grey eyes shine at the question. "Yes."

It's a typical Levi agreement: considerate, fair, and orderly, and yet Levi looks so determined, so serious, and self-assured, that Eren holds his provoking gaze with a grin which is all challenge. "Why?"

"Because," Levi explains with a twitching eyebrow somewhere between exasperation and amusement, "if this is what we will do from now on, it is only civil, don't you think?"

They stare at each other for a heartbeat until a quirk of Levi’s lips breaks the spell, and Eren chuckles. "True."

Levi snorts.

"So, if I were about to choose a tea you don't like…"

"Highly unlikely in my kitchen, don’t you think?" Levi interjects. "With my tea."

"…you'd have to drink it?" Eren finishes.

"Yes."

"And you would."

"Yes."

"Interesting."

Levi raises his eyebrow anew and starts to examine the pantry for bread and cheese.

"So that would go for my cooking tomorrow too?" Eren regards the buildup of tea cans, musing over what he would like to drink today. A herbal infusion might be too mild. Assam too strong. Jasmine too assuaging. “Because I'm not that good.”

"It's not bad," Levi objects.

Eren smiles at the compliment, though it doesn’t ease his doubt on the matter. Ever since he came back from exploring, Levi has mostly done the food preparation part whereas Eren merely assisted. He’s never been an outstanding cook like Sasha to begin with, but now he’s even out of practice. It never seemed an important enough skill to improve so far. Not even when it comes to feeding Hanji late at night.

"How is everybody at the headquarter, now that Armin is gone?" Levi asks with a rustling of goods from the storeroom.

"Good,” Eren answers. “Connie and Sasha are looking forward to training, and Jean and Mikasa are together."

The rummaging sounds stop, and Levi emerges with something which looks like a decisively neutral expression. "When did that happen?" He asks, arms filled with a loaf of bread and various cheeses that he lays down onto the worktop.

Offering a one-shouldered shrug, Eren ponders between the Gyokuro and the Gunpowder. "Two nights ago, apparently. They're not good at being secretive about it."

"How do you feel about it?" Levi asks after a short pause in which he started to cut slices off the bread after producing a small jar with butter.

He’s standing behind Eren, and Eren cannot stop himself from taking a stealthy glance at his back as Levi moves. His shoulder blades rotate under his jumper, making the muscles bend and flex under soft dark wool. The wide collar brushes over broad shoulders, allowing a full display on an invitingly stubbled nape, there where the top of Levi’s undercut ends in silky strands. His vertebrae show like this. Little, bony hills, hidden under vulnerable, pristine skin. Eren wants to run his fingertips over them, one by one, to explore their secrets, to protect. His chest wishes to press against that strong back too, to slowly slot together into one piece, looking at Levi’s skilful hands over his shoulder, arms wrapped around his slender waist, whilst nuzzling into his hair.

Levi is finished with the cutting, shifting his weight from one leg to the other, making his back perform a gentle wave.

"It's okay,” Eren mumbles, hurriedly averting his eyes back to the collection of tin cans. He tries to order his thoughts, seeking to nudge them away from hugs from behind and chiselled, tense muscles melting against his body. From a head tipping back against his shoulders and little unimportances whispered into ears.

"It's weird it took them so long, now that I think about it,” he says to root himself in reality. “But it's good. It fits."

He means it. It's taken him a day to fully come to terms with it, but he's realised he is actually happy for them. Mikasa and Jean don't show their relationship status too openly. Unlike Connie and Sasha, they don't walk arm in arm in their free time, but by the way they look at each other, they don't need to.

Eren turns to take another stealthy peek at Levi, and collides with something solid a second before the scent of tea, soap, and warm, freshly washed clothes invades his nostrils.

“Oh shit, sorry,” he splutters in an attempt to hastily step aside, and slams into the kitchen counter with a startled “oomph!” that gets him nowhere but right back to where he was.

He’s certain Levi said something, but by no stretch of his imagination, Eren can recall what it was. Silvery eyes look up at him from much too close as Levi leans forward even more, and fuck. This kitchen is small. Why has Eren never noticed that before? He is trapped, in every sense of the word. His blood shoots downwards, his mouth waters while his lips turn dry, and his whole being wants to melt and burst alike.

“Butter knife,” Levi says calmly, only inches apart, retrieving his hand from behind Eren.  

Eren blinks, suppressing a soft groan at the proximity of Levi’s low, velvety voice. Breathing seems to be impossible. Speaking coherently too, as it seems.

“Huh?” he gasps, enraptured by black eyelashes fanning over tired bruises.

“I need the butter knife,” Levi repeats, holding the fetched object aloft. A smirk is playing around his lips, curling the corners of his mouth in a way that has Eren incapable of biting back an embarrassing whimper.

“Are you all right?” Levi asks.

Frantically fumbling for words, which he knows must be somewhere, Eren nods. The urge to touch, to lean into the forbidden heat, is overpowering, and he clutches the kitchen counter for support. If he only could look away from that smile.

Please, he thinks. Please let me love you. I'd be good to you. So good.

Then his brain catches up with Levi’s question. “Oh, yes. Fine.”

“Hmm,” Levi hums. His eyes search Eren’s face as if they were trying to tell him something, something important.

Searching back, Eren blinks, frowns, wonders, but one moment later Levi withdraws from Eren’s reach, to spread the bread with butter and cheese.

With his pulse still thundering in his throat and ears, Eren tries to process what just happened while doing his best to remember what he was supposed to be doing in this kitchen to begin with. It was something important, he can recall that much, but otherwise, his head is empty. He rubs his neck.

Levi clears his throat. “Tea?” he suggests.

Tea, that’s right. He was about to decide on the tea.

“Yes,” Eren says, not quite able to tell if the following soft snort is real or if it’s all in his head. He’s going mad. There can't be any other explanation.

Desperate as he is, his hands move on their own, reaching for the Gunpowder, and why not. It seems like the perfect day for it. The rectangular black tin can has recently been refilled. The little, green balls of leaves reach all the way to the top when he opens the caddie, looking bright and pretty.

Somehow grounded by the view, Eren fills the needed amount of tea into the sieve and adds the water. Levi, carrying the finished bread to the table, gives a brief, commendatory hum over Eren’s shoulder when he sees the tea choice of the night.

Shuddering in response, Eren clenches his fists to regain control, taking a breath. It’s just dinner, for fuck’s sake. He can do this!

Turns out he actually can. Dinner passes without any further incident, and by the time they settle at the fireplace, Eren has his composure back. His words are back too as it seems, as is a distinctive urge to poke.

"You do know, I actually like this chair, don't you?" he asks as he plops down in the corduroy seat next to the newly lit flames and earns another raised eyebrow.

"Is that so," Levi says.

“Yes,” Eren says, delighted about the reversed interrogation, and even more so when Levi asks further.

"Why?"

Because it smells like you. Because it makes me dream about you. Because I know you prefer your leather chair and this doesn't feel like a compromise but like a perfect fit. Because I love you.

"Because," Eren answers with a grave expression, "it likes my arse."

The corner of Levi’s mouth twitches. "Does it."

Encouraged, Eren smirks. "Yeah. It just told me so. See?" He leans forward and makes the fabric creak.

Levi snorts, framed by firelight that bathes their corner in everything good.

Eren grins and takes the two differently coloured pawns. "The real question here is: Why do you like yours?"

Of course, he already knows the answer. Because it's comfortable. Because it smells like leather and nature and a day out under the open sky. Because it's hugging Levi from behind and makes him feel safe and protected. Because it was a gift from Hanji and probably the only monetary gift—especially one this generous—he'll ever accept.

Levi looks at him for a long, warm moment. His eyes are bright again in the dim light and shine like liquid. "Because it likes my arse."

Eren chuckles. "That's what I thought. I bet yours farts better than mine, though."

"Oh, shut up. Of course, it does. Left."

Eren reveals a white pawn and places the pieces back onto the board to let Levi make his first move.

He does and leans back into the leather of his chair. "How's Selma the Bird?"

"She's fine,” Eren answers. “We renewed the tape today. Seems she will be ready to fly by the end of next week."

"Hm. How's Harold feeling about that?"

"He's looking forward to it, actually. He says she needs her freedom. He's even bringing her leaves so she has a part of the forest with her." Eren moves one of his pawns and snuggles back into the corduroy cushions.

Levi smiles, gaze meeting Eren’s and lingering there. "Selma is a lucky girl."

"I guess she is," Eren says, and smiles back.

Three hours later, Eren is beaten and reluctantly moves out of the seat. It's hard to beat Levi at chess even on a good day, but these days his mind is too distracted to focus on strategies, much less on the board. However, considering he’s been entranced by Levi’s fingers in the fire glow for the last hour or so, he has to admit to having done surprisingly well.

He slips back into his coat and shoes while Levi slips into a pair of slippers to accompany him down to the café entrance to lock up behind him.

The bell tinkles as the door opens to let in a blow of snowflakes and icy wind. The contrast of the clear winter night to the prior cosiness they've brought downstairs makes the hairs in Eren’s neck prickle. Everything is so pleasantly mute under the floating snow that it seems as though Levi and he are the only two people awake, reminding Eren of his dream.

Before he has the time to change his mind and do something utterly stupid, Eren treads out of the café and out into the road, leaving behind the prints of his boots as his steps crunch in the frosty snow under his feet. He turns around to say goodnight, but the words seem to have lost their meaning, and his voice leaves him in a puff of breathless air.

Tiny flakes of snow rest gently on Levi's ebony black hair, his wool-clad shoulders and torso. On his nose. They glitter in the light of the street lamps while the pale white of the night mirrors beautifully in Levi’s eyes as he looks up at the sky. Levi really loves winter, and Eren begins to do so too.

Levi looks like winter too. With his light skin standing so starkly in contrast with his dark hair. With his clear eyes. His carved muscles and bones. With his harshness in his features, enticingly inevitable and brutal, and so beautiful in his honesty too. With his stillness and reserve. With his love for retreated comfort and the patient wait for spring. With his strength to overcome even the darkest days. Eren yearns for every little bit of it.

"So," he says as soon as he's found his voice again. His words are a bit too loud in the otherwise so quiet and empty street, grating on his ears in the disrupted peace. "Until tomorrow then."

"Yes," Levi says and looks up at him. His unprotected skin is already reacting to the cold, showing a faint flush of cheeks. "Until tomorrow."

Eren nods and is just about to turn as Levi speaks again, making him stop.

"Thank you. It's been nice. I like it too." His right hand is holding on to the doorframe, the other one rests at his side. His expression is calm, content almost, and his gaze is fixed on Eren.

Eren stares back. Something warm rises in his stomach until it feels like it will spill over at any moment. He knows what Levi is referring to and that he is only returning Eren’s gesture from yesterday of being honest. Both actually saying out loud these meetings are what they want to do. Still, there's a brightness in Levi's eyes beyond his frost-kissed cheeks, and what Eren sees in it makes his insides flip with a longing so fierce he knows he has to leave.

Now.

"Good," he rasps through his heartbeat hammering against his vocal chords. "Goodnight, Levi."

"Goodnight, Eren," Levi replies.

All the way back to his flat, Eren replays this evening over and over in his head. Butter knives and smiles, small chuckles and ease. Levi laughing. Levi joking. Levi invading Eren’s personal space in his tiny kitchen, looking…like what exactly?

Levi usually lets no one get so close. Not even Hanji. Not like this. Not with a smile playing upon his lips. Not with lingering looks and comfortable silence. Never with openly admitting to enjoy someone’s company.

Baffled, Eren turns around to gape at the homey lights of a distant building and the smoke rising from a familiar chimney.

_“I like it too.”_

Eren’s stomach swoops. His whole world comes to a standstill, and the cold around him disappears into a faraway memory.

No way.

The slow smile broadening on his face is hurting his cheeks when Eren finally manages to shake his head with a forceful jerk. Shoving his hands deep into his pockets, he clenches his fists and resumes his way through the sparkling, snow-covered night. White against black.

“Restrain yourself,” he reminds himself to fortify the voice in his head telling him the same thing. “Go through your options, and be certain you’re reading him correctly.”

Steps speeding up on the snow-covered cobblestones, Eren welcomes the sobering frost. He has to think about this. Really, really think about this.

Tomorrow, he has to make dinner.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To say revising this chapter has been hard work would be an understatement. First, the emotions were all over the place, then the words were too stiff, the characters too nervous, the end of this chapter an uncooperative mess. I managed, though, with the helpful talk to wonderful people and an agitated Eren yelling at me in German in my own head. 
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy what I made of it. It's different from the original, but sometimes change is good. <3

**Fifteenth of December – A Turret Clock**

"Sasha, I need your help," Eren says at breakfast.

"That sounds serious." She stuffs a spoonful of porridge into her mouth and swallows. "What is it?"

Gripping his spoon tight, Eren holds her questioning gaze. "I need to learn how to cook."

"You know how to cook," Jean says from across the table. "We all do."

In spite of his exasperation flaring up, Eren merely grants Jean a sigh. "Yes," he clarifies with as much calmness as he can muster, "but I don't know how to do it properly."

Jean rolls his eyes. "Oh, here we go," he mumbles.

Whatever he might mean with that comment, Eren decides to ignore it. Instead, he turns back to Sasha. "Do you think you can help me? I know, I'm already in your debt but–"

"No, you're not," she interrupts him with a bright smile. "I am here, am I not? We're all are here for you. And sure. What do you want to know?"

"Everything you can teach me," Eren answers, enthused by her offer. He knows he isn't a complete beginner, but if there is anyone to teach him how to make simple dishes tasty, it's Sasha.

"That might take a while," she points out.

Eren grins. "I'm okay with that if you are."

She shifts in her chair to lean closer. "Sure. Let's do this." Her eyes are dreamy and her cheeks have assumed a rapturous glow.

"Thank you." Eren shoves the bowl with the last spoonfuls of his porridge towards her. It doesn't have much left, otherwise, he wouldn't dare with Mikasa's warning glare fixed upon him from her seat beside Jean. Yet Eren is not going to finish it. The excitement stirring in his guts hasn't abated since he came home last night. On the contrary. It seems to have grown during the last few hours to morph into a wild beast. It's gnawing at his insides and making his stomach rebel at every attempt to force down some food. "I owe you one."

"Whoa, thank you!" Sasha beams, her eyes sparkling as she pitches into her extra portion. "Your cooking interest wouldn't have anything to do with Captain Levi, would it?" she asks through a mouthful of food.

"Perhaps," Eren admits, feeling treacherous heat creeping up his neck.

Jean huffs a snort. "Don't tell me you're finally trying to woo him."

Sasha almost sprays porridge all over the table, choking on a snicker. Mikasa fails to hide a reserved smile in her scarf which evolves into a full giggle when Jean pokes her ribs with a crooked smirk, while Connie leans closer to Eren, making obnoxious kissing noises.

"Oh, fuck off," Eren retorts, deciding his friends should all go to hell. The heartfelt kick he aims at Jean's shin, therefore, is well-deserved, although it gets him a new fit of group laughter.

Okay, so he wants to woo Levi because he has to. At least he will if, or when, tonight works out well. Not that he needs decent food for that, though it certainly won't do any harm. Things worked out better than expected with the fish offering, didn't they? The gift made Levi smile, made him genuinely happy. Eren also has an inkling the amount of fried potatoes they've been having lately might not be the coincidence that he thought. It would only be considerate to reciprocate by learning to make a couple of Levi's favourite meals.

"What kind of Corps lessons are you planning for today?" Sasha asks after emptying both bowls with porridge.

As Eren glances over at the table where his Trainees all sit, the last lingering traces of his indignation fades. Their wild chatter is omnipresent, filled with endless energy. He doesn't know where they get it from. Giving a chin nod in their direction, he sighs. "Gear drills again, as it seems."

"Include making lunch in the woods where we had our tracking lecture," Sasha proposes. "We'll start training you in the refined art of cooking today."

Her smile is so warm that Eren feels ashamed for being such a bad friend. He is never around, only when he needs something. Yet here she is, offering her help again, even knowing him well enough to recognise he wants to start learning as soon as possible.

"Thank you," he says.

She beams. "Don't mention it. I already know what we can make too. Does stew sound good?"

"Yes, of course," Eren answers with a nod.

"Perfect," she cheers, hopping up from her chair. "We'll bring everything, including a kettle."

"Thanks," Eren says as a warning echoes in his head, and he hastens to intervene. "One thing though? Please don't bring a rabbit. At least not today."

"You mean because they look like cats? Good point." Sasha nods, glancing towards Harold before facing Eren again with an understanding grin. "Don't worry. I know just the thing."

Sasha keeps her promise and joins them at noon, packed with food and followed by a grinning Connie, who carries the kettle. With the snow having stopped falling, the forest has transformed into a wonderland of white under a clear blue sky. Sunlight casts down onto the clearing where they gather around a small campfire, brightening Sasha's eyes as she unpacks her bundles.

She tells them what to do with enough explanations for Eren to understand and remember without swamping the teenagers in information. She makes them peel and cut onions, garlic, and potatoes, and reminds them to use the snow for their water.

"That can be useful," she advises. "Sometimes you don't know when you will come across a pond or river, so it's always good to know how to help yourselves."

"A friend of mine told me the ocean is so salty that you can't drink its water," Derek says, holding a half-peeled potato in one hand and his knife in the other. "Is that true, Sash- oh, sorry. Is that true, Instructor Sasha?"

Eren smiles at Derek's correction. So does Sasha.

"Yes," she answers with a blithe chuckle. "Believe me, I tried. It wasn't very nice tasting, that's for sure."

Her confession is answered by a few giggles as they continue with their lesson. Soon there's nothing left to do than watching the caldron do its work and stirring the contents to prevent scorching. Anticipation laced chatter fills the forest, and Connie and Sasha join Eren on a long log.

"Ah, firs," Sasha sighs, sliding onto her makeshift seat with a deep inhale of the forest's clean, crisp scent. She stretches out her feet and looks up at the treetops surrounding them. "Do you smell that, Con? They're really something, aren't they?"

Connie's gaze is one of pure adoration, and he reaches out to take her hand in his as if it was the most natural and effortless thing in the world. Eren isn't envious, and yet he wishes he could be as assured concerning Levi as they are with each other.

After turning the situation over again in his head, he has to admit when it comes to his feelings, his reason seems to be close to nonexistent. He was certain he felt an invisible pull between Levi and himself when he left last night, but now it seems so distant. Could it be he is overthinking things? That he is misleading himself with his wish for Levi wanting him too, imagining it to be true based on nothing but false hope?

Then again, there is Mikasa's gut feeling and Levi's behaviour last night which, in hindsight, feels like an invitation. All the smiles and open glances. Levi's laughter. His body pressing against Eren's in need of a butter knife which he could have asked Eren to hand him, looking so receptive. A faint blushing of cheeks in the cold, dusted with snowflakes.

" _I like this too."_

Perhaps, Eren thinks, gazing at Connie's and Sasha's linked fingers, perhaps, if he was more experienced with relationships, it would be easier to read this situation. He feels like he is fifteen and on his first mission again. Knowing he's got to change things, and feeling stupid because he doesn't know what would be the right choice.

The most straightforward thing would be to ask Levi how he feels. However, it would be the most selfish solution. How ridiculous would it sound like anyway? " _Please, Levi, tell me if you like me because I'm falling here. I'm falling hard."_ Laughable.

He could go all the way and confess. Say: " _Hey, remember when you fucked me senseless, and I ran away to destroy the single good thing in my life? Yeah, why don't we do that first part again? Only this time, I want to hold you afterwards and listen to your heartbeat while we sleep. Really. I swear, I'm serious this time."_ So lame and inane after what Eren did in his panic the last time.

Eren wishes Armin could be here with his sharp mind and his bluntness. Wishes Jean would tell him to get it the fuck over with in whichever way it will happen. Eren even wishes for Mikasa to tell him a simple, firm yes or no. However, Eren knows pursuing Levi for real is his decision to make. His alone. Win everything, or lose it all.

Sasha's laugh over something Connie said snaps Eren out of his reverie. This is not the time to ponder his personal life. He's got a class to teach.

* * *

"Ah, hello Eren," Hanji greets him through a yawn from the Sparrow's counter. Her extra big mug with evening coffee is steaming in her hands. "How was your day?"

"It was good, thank you," he says, abandoning his usual place next to the window to join her in the front of the café. "How is it going with the new recruits?"

She pushes her glasses up her forehead and rubs her red-rimmed eyes. "Good so far. Admissions are still open until nine tonight. I'm only here to drink enough caffeine to make myself awake."

"You know what helps with that, don't you, four-eyes?" Levi remarks, lifting a dripping sieve with infused tea leaves out of a small pot. "It's called 'sleep'. In your case, you need plenty of it."

"Look who's talking?" she retorts, pulling a face.

Levi scowls back before putting the fresh cup of tea onto the counter next to Hanji's coffee with a milder glance at Eren. "Here."

"Thanks." Eren smiles, removing his cloak to hang it on the provided rack. He already knows it's Gunpowder again.

"Cake?" Levi asks, eyebrow lifted.

Eren stills, having no idea what to do with the unexpected question.

Hanji's gaze flickers between them with a curious squinting of her eyes, and when Eren remains silent, she heaves a theatrical sigh. "Yes. Pear, please. It looks divine. Eren will sit down with me and have a piece too."

Looking like he's biting back a smile, Levi fetches two plates.

"All right," Eren relents, becoming painfully aware of her leer that increases with every second as it flits between Levi and him.

"I heard Sasha and Connie went into the woods with you today, Eren," Hanji chirps, batting her eyelashes and resting her elbow on the brass counter to steady her chin with her lifted hand. "You were all together during lunch. Survival training?"

Sensing Levi's small, ponderous frown turning upon him, Eren sighs inwardly. It would have been too much to hope Sasha wouldn't talk. "Yes. Some drills and a fire-cooked meal so the cadets got some practice," he answers.

"Wonderful." The thrilled responsive gleam of Hanji's glasses tells Eren she's known about his emotional struggle all along.

Besides feeling like an idiot once again, he only hopes she hasn't said anything to Levi. Better yet, he hopes she isn't about to blow things for him by rattling him out here and now.

"Isn't that nice of them to help?" Hanji says. "Thank you, Short Stack." She accepts her share of cake from Levi with a wink, only to wolf it down at record speed.

Levi clicks his tongue. "You really don't have any patience, do you?"

"Me? Nope." She's already finished, gulps down her coffee—it's still steaming, how does she do that?—and wrestles her way into her coat.

"Maybe you should eat regularly, four-eyes," Levi notes as he retrieves her emptied plate.

Ignoring him, Hanji plops some coins onto the brass counter next to the till. "Have a lovely evening, you two. Don't do anything I wouldn't." The bell chimes and Hanji is gone like the wind.

Levi frowns. "She knows something."

Eren, still busy with his first delicious bite of pear cake, offers a hesitant nod. "That's what I thought," he says, licking some rough sugar sprinkles off his lips. "Thank you for the cake."

"Hm." Levi runs his fingertip over the rim of his cup.

The following lack of sounds makes Eren glance around and swallow at the view. Despite the inviting weather and the early hour, the café is empty. They are alone. Alone aside from the same powerful tugging somewhere behind his bellybutton which Eren already felt the previous night. Only stronger, more demanding, as though he could physically feel Levi's distance, needing to close it.

"Had a good time in the woods today?" Levi asks, peering into his tea. Steam rises up from the light green liquid, curling in the air before his apron and dissipating where today's white shirt forms a desirable v. The lights in the café are dimmed, and his dark eyelashes cast feathery shadows across his cheekbones before grey eyes lift to meet Eren's.

Distracted by the view, Eren nods. "Yeah. Quiet day?"

Levi smiles. "It is now." His words are calm, soft-spoken, and like a caress across Eren's body as he holds the steady gaze that always keeps him together whenever he thinks he's about to lose himself. Levi leans forward, hands resting on his worktop, eyes searching Eren's face. "Isn't it?"

Gulping, Eren doesn't speak. They both don't. And as the silence stretches, Eren realises somewhere in the back of his mind they don't even have to say anything. Maybe this is what Armin meant with their strange way of talking to each other which no one else gets. Or it's because they've always understood each other better than anyone else. Perhaps it's something different. Whatever it is, there is a connection, powerful and gripping, and words are too small for what he wants to say. Before Eren knows it, his guards crumble down, gently torn apart by reassuring eyes that cast away every last doubt. They leave him bare and breathless, and however he even knows about this, Eren can tell Levi knows too.

Drawn closer, his torso leans right against the countertop. "It is," Eren says at last, voice rough with emotion.

He can count Levi's breaths like this, notice the faint colour in his cheeks, and if he reached out with his tingling fingers, he could trace the line of Levis jaw, his throat, the little worry line on his brow, or his tired bruises. Eren doesn't know where to start.

He's still trying to decide when a dry palm brushes tenderly over his in one careful pat, like a thrilling shock up his arms, making Eren shudder on his seat. Levi's hand withdraws, yet Eren catches it, nearly knocking over his cup in his haste to restore the long-missed contact. Gracious fingers squeeze his, and lifting his eyes to Levi's softening gaze, Eren doesn't even feel his own responsive beam until it's close to splitting his face, lovingly ripping him apart.

Over the past week, he would have argued being loved must be like a mighty blow, or like an explosion going off in his head. Now that he sits across from Levi, holding his hand, a glow seeps through his heart instead, slow, gentle, and tremendous. A steady, warming certainty that feels like arriving, like smiling from deep within as two worlds slide together. Combining into one. It's better than he ever thought it would be. Because he doesn't want to be thunderstruck with extremes. He's been experiencing nothing but all his life, has been yanked around by one violent, emotional rush after another, as if they want to tear him apart, ceaselessly pushing him towards unstable ledges. Levi has always been good guiding Eren back to safer ground, and though Eren's heart seems close to bursting through his chest at the intensity of this moment, the tumult within himself stops. In the middle of Levi's beautiful café on an otherwise regular Thursday in December.

The turret clock outside rings the hour as if nothing has happened, and yet everything is different.

Fingers sliding apart, Levi lifts an expressive eyebrow. Eren grins his agreement, taking a sip of his Gunpowder as Levi straightens up and closes the café. The door lock snaps shut, and Levi slips out of his apron with a whisper of fabric.

He turns to Eren with a hand raking through his hair, leaving the strands almost messy, before settling on his own side of the counter, gripping his cup with an erratic rattle. Something satisfied in Eren's belly stretches at the uncharacteristic unbalance, stirring the wish to have more of it once they had time to recover.

"So…I was thinking about spoiling you with dinner today," Eren begins, eyeing Levi with a silly smile he seems to have no control over whatsoever. "But then I remembered the goat curd is really good this round."

Levi grants him a smirk as his chin dips a little, eyes bright behind a dishevelled fringe. "That so?"

"Yeah." Eren grins, shifting on his stool to rest his elbows on the counter, is chin settling on his palm as he boldly presses forward. "And I thought you'd be disappointed if I cook something incredible since all you served me yesterday was bread with cheese and butter."

Amusement glitters in Levi's eyes, tinged with knowledge and a fondness so deep, Eren half-wonders how he could have missed it before. "You liked the butter," Levi decides.

Eren chuckles, sitting back up. "Who wouldn't."

Levi wheezes a snort.

Cutting a piece off his pie to indulge in sweet pear and crumbly crust before lifting it into his fork, Eren frowns at his plate. "I was also thinking I should pay you for the food," he continues, more serious now. "For my share of dinner all the time, I mean."

Aside from the money part, which Eren knows they both don't care for much in this situation, it's a request for being an equal in this new-found and fast-shifting arrangement too. For being more than a guest in Levi's personal space.

Levi understands. Eren can see it in the way his eyes shine and feel it in the flip of his stomach when the ghost of a smile flits over Levi's face.

"All right," Levi says.

"Thank you."

"Hm," Levi hums into his raised cup of Gunpowder before setting the china back onto the saucer.

When he looks up again, his warm gaze trails downwards to Eren's mouth before slowly finding Eren's eyes once more, sending anticipation prickling through Eren's blood.

"You've got sugar on your lips."

Jerking into motion, Eren's hand flies up to his mouth to wipe it away, heart throbbing out of control. He frowns. There's nothing there. It's only when he catches the soft chuckle from across the counter that he realises he's been had.

"Haha," Eren says, wanting to reach over the counter and kiss the irritating bastard. Hard. "Very funny."

Levi smirks, letting his voice drop into a deeper hued purr. "Are you finished? I'm hungry."

* * *

In spite of the relief that courses through Eren's veins for the rest of the evening, it's clear there's still a missing step. He feels it during preparing dinner in Levi's small kitchen, standing so close to Levi his skin tingles with every barely-brush of their arms. All he needs to do is lean into Levi, but Eren cannot relax enough to do so yet. He knows it when Levi's looks over his plate of bread do funny little things to his heart. He knows he's missing something when Levi looks over his plate of bread to study him. He notices it when Levi lets him take place in his favourite corduroy chair without comment, and when they play chess with their socked feet so close to each other Eren can feel Levi's proximity, through two layers of fabric.

Therefore Eren doesn't know if he should be relieved or reluctant when they go down to the café in the middle of the night. Their unspoken words are hanging heavily between them. Levi unlocks the café, opening it to a shock of cold air that stings in Eren's lungs after hours beside the snug fireplace.

For a moment they say nothing, both regarding the oddly unchanged world as they stand in the doorway, shoulder to shoulder. It feels as if one step out into the night would negate everything that happened. Their tranquil, little bubble of comfortable ease has no real meaning out here, and Eren doesn't want this day to end like this. Still…

It's not that he doesn't know what he wants to do. From the moment Levi led him up to his flat earlier, the buzzing awareness of wanting everything to fall into place so he could hold Levi right away has been a constant force pushing him right back to the cliff's edge. It's demanding him to jump, whereas he'd rather glide down a gentle slope for once in his impulsive life. His experiences with restraint are scarce, however, and with the cold gnawing more at Levi's thin shirt with every passing second, his uncertainty is right back to where it was this morning.

"So," he says, feet stuck where he stands. Hesitating.

"So," Levi repeats, smiling at Eren with his head tilting back to meet his gaze.

"Thank you for tonight."

"Mh," Levi replies, his fringe wafting in a crisp breeze. "Good luck with the new recruits."

The desire to brush it the silky looking strands out of Levi's face makes Eren's hands twitch at his sides.

"Can we," he rasps, the words stopping mid-sentence, though he knows he has to say this out loud. The temptation to take that leap and jump is immense. So thrilling his body aches, screams, is raw with it. Yet leaping is what he always does and what always gets him into trouble most. Eren might not feel tired, but after a fulfilling dinner and a long game of chess, it's late. Too late for him to be certain this is the right choice, and he doesn't want either of them to regret whatever happens next.

So he reaches out, seizes cool, gracious fingers with his own, searching for support. They open under his touch, allowing him to slide his palm over a rough, calloused hand before holding on tight in a firm, wonderful grip, perfectly fitting together.

Eren smiles down at their linked hands where his thumb draws faltering lines over Levi's as he tries to sort his tumbling thoughts into words. "I really should go," he states, searching Levi's eyes with another pleading brush over Levi's thumb. "Can we leave it here for now?" Eren swallows before continuing. "I don't want to make any stupid mistakes this time."

"Yes." Levi squeezes his fingers. "Whenever you want." His eyes are warm and patient, and god, Eren loves him.

"Thank you," Eren says with a shuddered sigh, hand still holding Levi's.

Fingers tighten around his once more before they loosen their hold with a lingering brush of knuckles. "Goodnight, Eren," Levi says softly.

He smiles. "Goodnight, Levi."

Taking one last looking into shining grey eyes, Eren forces his reluctant feet to step back and leaves. His heart is filled with joy, his nerves alight with jubilance, and his stomach swarming with the anticipation of something new, something precious. Something beautiful.

When Eren steps into his own small kitchenette at HQ, he is smiling so hard his face hurts. He continues grinning when he sees the envelope on his table, and he is still euphoric when he reads over the short note attached to it.

'I am sorry to drop this on you tonight, but I thought it would be better this way and you would want to know. Come to see me if you need to. I don't mind the hour.

H.'

Bliss a bit dampened, and not knowing what the hell Hanji could be this serious about this round, Eren opens the envelope to pull out a list of names, titled '2nd Exploration Trainee Corps.'

Joy still thrumming through his system, he skims through the list, reaches the end, and has to sit down as all his happiness crashes through the floor, his limbs turning cold.

Eren's heart is pounding again, different now, yet all too familiar as his eyes lock onto a name he least wants to see.

He hears screams in the woods, orders to retreat, then to fight, telling him to flee. He hears the final, sickening crack, smells blood and rage and desperation mingling with resin, forest and conifers. He sees her face—so beautiful but broken—, stands next to her empty grave. Bile fills his mouth, and yet he can only stare down at the shaking paper in his hand, hoping sheer willpower would change that one last name at the end of the list.

Anna Ral.

Petra's sister.


	18. Chapter 18

**Sixteenth of December – Two Glasses**

Eren gulps. For a second, a short, selfish, little second, he wishes he would have followed Armin to undiscovered, new lands after all. Then he thinks about Levi, and knows going away again is never an option.

He shakes his head and clenches the paper so tight it crumples in his fingers.

Work. He has work to do. In only a few hours Eren has to be out there facing this situation. To do that he needs some sleep. So sleep, he will.

He undresses and hastens to slip under the protective sheets of his cold bed, feeling lonely, small, and lost. Of all the battles they had, of all the things he's done and experienced in that war, this is one of the few memories which stick with him most.

First, there's Shingashina. Then that Survey Mission in the mist that went horribly awry in more than one way. And finally, there's all of Annie's betrayals. The fury Eren felt that day seethes in his guts while his eyes burn in rage about the familiar feeling of being utterly helpless—not only back then, but also in hindsight, all these years later.

Shingashina was a nightmare. Both times. That mission in the fog was so formative because of its surprises and all its aftermath for himself and Levi. Annie, however, Eren sees as his own, personal failure. He still doesn't understand why she did it, or why he didn't notice it earlier. How he could have been this blind in his trust for her. Eren still doesn't understand why he can forgive her for being misguided, but can't forgive himself for that mistake.

Eren shivers. He wants to go back to Levi. Wants to take that step and feel his warmth, crawl into his embrace, soak up his strength. It would be so good to listen to Levi's voice right now and breathe him in, protected by a pair of shielding arms.

Maybe Levi is still awake—but this is Eren's own war. So he clenches his jaw, and wriggling deeper into his mattress, he orders himself to sleep. Sooner or later he will. He's done more improbable things, and he will need every bit of rest he can get in the morning.

He forces his eyes shut, takes a shuddering breath, and starts to count, willing himself to sleep.

He doesn't sleep.

A few moments of dozing are all he can get, and they are filled with wild, chaotic images of the Forest of Giant Trees, of broken friends, and regret. When the first sounds of awakening soldiers echo through HQ, Eren gives up, pushes away the blanket, and prepares for the day. His nerves are jangling, his heart is twisting. He doesn't give into the temptation to go see Levi. He also doesn't go to Hanji, although she's probably waiting for him. She wouldn't judge him for showing this weakness, yet Eren isn't sure if he is ready to accept her concern.

He can't, however, escape Mikasa. She catches him on his way to Introduction rounds, expression turning from fierce to worried the moment she meets his gaze. She doesn't scold him for missing at breakfast. Instead, she immediately skips to the problem itself.

"What's wrong?" she demands to know.

Eren shakes his head. It's clear Mikasa won't be fooled, so he doesn't even try to evade by telling her it's fine, yet avoids her sharp eyes. "Stuff happened," he says.

She knows he's blaming himself for what happened on that particular day. She knows he can't let the guilt go. She never fully understood why though. "Is this about Levi?" she asks.

"What!?" Eren whips his head around to stare at her.

Her mouth is a thin line, her irises are like two sharp daggers. "Did you fight?"

"No!" Eren protests, fighting the treacherous, hot blush that wants to rise in his neck and cheeks. "No," he insists again, more composed. "We're good."

It's in this moment that Jean joins them in the hallway. He looks at Mikasa, then at Eren, and scowls. "What happened?" he asks with infuriating calmness.

"Nothing," Eren says.

"The fuck, nothing's wrong. You look like shit, mate."

Unable to hold back a hysterical snort that steals itself out at Jean's words, Eren rakes through his hair. "Thanks."

"You know I'll ask Hanji," Mikasa points out. "I'll find out anyway. What is it?"

Sighing, Eren rubs his neck. "Petra's little sister enlisted for Scout Training."

"Who the fuck is Petra?" Jean asks, sees Eren's face, frowns at Mikasa's grim expression, and a moment later his memory seems to catch up. He pales slightly. "Oh shit."

Somber quietness falls over them.

Eren swallows. "I'll be late."

He's about to turn and leave when Jean reaches out to seize him by his upper arm.

"Eren," he says. "You'll be fine. I don't think she's mad at you."

Eren tries to break free from Jean's grip, yet gets as far as dragging in a bracing breath of air before Jean stops him in his tracks with an attention demanding pull.

"Just think about it." Firmly holding Eren's gaze, Jean doesn't give him time to protest. "It's common knowledge who you are. She must know you're a Trainer here," he reasons, eyes stern, frown sincere. "If she really was mad at you, she'd already have come to you earlier to tell you so. She wouldn't have enlisted. She must want to be here. She's probably even looking forward to meeting you."

Letting go of Eren's arm with an encouraging slap, Jean nods in affirmation, and, oddly enough, it helps.

Pressing his lips together in new found determination, Eren gives a thankful nod in return. He finds a weak half-smile for Mikasa, clears his throat, and confronts his day.

After a couple of interminable hours of greeting new Cadets, Eren steps into the Sparrow. Levi already awaits him with an observant glance. It's so fucking good to see him.

"Hanji told me this morning," Levi says instead of a greeting. "Sit down, I'll bring you tea and something to eat." His gaze is focused on Eren's, searching and worrying, so Eren summons a brief, reassuring smile.

Admittedly, Jean turned out to be right. The day itself hasn't been too bad, all things considered. However, unable to get down any solid food whatsoever after his restless night, followed by a full day of Introduction rounds and talking to demanding Trainees, exhaustion, tiredness, and hunger have taken their toll. From one moment to the other, his limbs get heavy and shaky. His stomach is growling at the prospect of vitalising food, while hot tears of relief burn in his eyes at Levi's sight and the comfort of this place. Ashamed, he blinks back the tears. He hasn't cried all day, and he won't start in the middle of Levi's café. He won't cry; full stop.

Reaching for his voice, he takes a deep breath. "Actually," he says, "I'd rather go right upstairs if that's all right."

Levi nods and hands over his keys, alongside a cake-loaded plate. "Take it with you. You look like you haven't eaten all day."

Eren wants to hug him right here and now. No, that's not entirely true. He wants to step behind the counter and kiss Levi, lead him up the stairs, taste him some more, and crawl into him to sleep, but he holds himself back.

Not today, he tells himself. Not here. Not like this. Not out of a sadness. Not again. So he simply says "thank you," and drags himself up the stairs, the plate with a generous piece of rich chocolate cake in his hands.

The flat sounds strange without Levi in it. It feels strange too, like stepping into a secret place. Yet it feels so much like home that Eren sighs, relishing in the familiarity. He fills his lungs with it, and closes his eyes for a sustaining moment before slipping out of his winter coat, military jacket, and boots. Mostly, he comes here without his harness on, but today he couldn't find it in himself to not come over right after work. It seems wrong to take it off here, like imposing, like assuming, so he leaves the straps on. Not today.

As he passes Levi's bedroom on his way to the dining table, his feet stop on their own to grant him a curious peek inside. The sight elicits Eren a fond smile.

Like everything else related to Levi, the room is almost shocking in its neatness. The bed looks like it's actually being used. The sheets peeking out from under a Survey Corps green comforter are white, looking invitingly soft and comfortable. A lamp rests on the nightstand, right next to the grey hole inclusive stone Eren brought with him from the ocean. So that's where Levi keeps it when he doesn't use it as a paperweight on bookkeeping nights.

Pure affection pools in his stomach as Eren's hand comes to a rest on the smooth, wooden door frame. Gaze fixed on the small rock, the last week passes before his eyes as all the loose ends of Levi's behaviour click into place. Time filled with smiles, laughter, and butter knives. With glances over fish, and teasing little jokes. It's followed by a quick succession of long forgotten memories, their friendship during the months before the fog. Levi relaxed, always somewhere nearby, sharing warmth in form of tea, company, and understanding. Levi's eyes on the morning after their one-night stand, looking so lonely, wary, and full with regret at Eren's panic-induced distance. Levi's quietness after the news about the forced retirement.

Levi's face when Eren returned from the first Exploration Mission, full of emotions, morphing into a certain hesitance and worry which Levi tried to hide that evening and ever since. Promises of " _you can always come to me, Eren,"_  and evening after evening with Eren's favourite dishes for dinner. Drawings of Eren in the Sparrow, right under his nose, all the time.

The realisation is accompanied by a cold twist of Eren's stomach. His skin feels wrong. His fingers clench tighter around the angled door frame as a voice in his head, which sounds far too much like Armin's, summarises the last two years in an endless repetition of " _you're so strangely oblivious to certain things, Eren."_

Eren remembers his irrational worry of Levi liking Armin not even a week ago, and snorts at himself. Armin has been knowing about Levi too. They all have. Mikasa, Sasha, Jean. The customers in the Sparrow, Hanji…

"I'm so fucking stupid," Eren agrees out loud. Letting go of the steadying wood of the door frame, he gives the room one last smile. Then he forces his feet to proceed to the kitchen table.

He horks down the sugary food, washes the plate and fork, before lighting the kindling that's already stacked inside the hearth. With the fire crackling in flickering movements of light and shadows, Eren plops down in his favourite armchair, curling up in it.

He breathes in once more to fill his lungs with Levi and home, welcomes the embracing heat of the nearby flames, and feels wonderfully safe and comforted. Eren closes his eyes and is gone in no time.

* * *

"How are the new recruits?" Levi asks, breaking their pleasant silence.

They sit in front of the fireplace, their freshly refilled cups of tea between them. After falling asleep, Eren was awoken by a hand squeezing his shoulder, accompanied by a worried frown. He answered the gesture by reaching for Levi's hand with his, letting his fingers brush over Levi's knuckles, and squeezing back, before resolutely rising from his seat to help Levi with dinner.

Eliding the expected bread and cheese, Levi got some potatoes and applesauce out of the pantry to make some potato pancakes while Eren chose an Assam for the evening. It was exactly what he needed, strengthening potatoes, uplifting sugary apples, and invigorating tea. Although his mind is still processing the last couple of hours, his stomach has stopped churning at long last.

After cleaning their dishes they moved over to the fireplace without the chessboard. Levi is staring into his tea cup with a frown, the fingers of his right hand brushing over its rim, and there's a tension in his shoulders that Eren has been feeling himself since last night.

"Good," Eren replies as he meets Levi's gaze. "Loud," he adds with a strained sigh.

"You don't say," Levi says, smirks briefly at the playful kick aimed at his shin—the bad one this time—, but as soon as the amusement is there, it is gone again.

"She looks like her," Eren answers Levi's actual question. "Same hair and eyes. The same laugh. Nearly the same voice and temper. It's like you constantly expect Auruo to show up and start bickering with her."

Chewing on his lip, Eren stares into his own, by now nearly empty, cup. "She asked about you. Wanted to know what you're like."

"I'll be expecting her soon, then." Levi's glance wanders to the window at Eren's back where a multitude of white flakes dance in the blackness of the night.

Then Levi's eyes meet Eren's again. "Care for something stronger?" The hesitant note in his voice makes Eren's stomach twist.

For a moment all he can do is look back, but eventually, he finds his voice and a nod. "Yeah, actually."

As Levi rises from his chair, the thought occurs to Eren that maybe, certainly, agreeing to this might have been a bad decision. He's never reacted well to alcohol. He is a lightweight and a clingy drunk. So he usually avoids it altogether, not seeing the fun in it or its worth to endure the aftermath anyway. All thoughts of declining after all fall out of his head, however, when his eyes catch sight of Levi.

He is standing on his tiptoes, sifting through a cupboard. The sleeves of his white shirt are rolled up. The unsteady firelight paints his profile in warm hues, not fickle enough to conceal the darkness of the circles under his eyes. Nor do they manage to hide the tension in Levi's shoulders, around his mouth, or in his back where his shirt has ridden up.

Entranced by the revealed strip of pale skin, Eren digs his nails in his forearms, forcing himself to stay put and not desert his seat to press against Levi's back from behind, to nuzzle into that enticing neck and close his eyes.

Producing a bottle and two tumblers which he places onto the table, Levi uncorks the bottle with a resonating 'pop!' He pours them each a generous amount of alcohol before handing over Eren's glass with a brush of cool fingers that starts Eren's heart lurching.

They stare at each other for a moment. Eren wonders if Levi is thinking about the same thing he is. If he feels the same need of being held. Simply being held, and hold in return.

Levi says something.

Eren blinks, realising they both still hold on to the glass and Levi is looking at him expectantly. "Sorry, what?"

"Relax. It's just a drink," Levi assures as he lets go.

Eren nods. "Thank you." He glances down at the amber-coloured liquid lapping against the walls of the glass in his hand to run down again in alluring oily curtains.

Levi raises his glass, and Eren does the same.

The flavour of the whisky hits his nose first. It smells like woods and smoke, but in a soothing way the Forest of Giant Trees never did or ever will. Then the taste comes, seems to explode in Eren's mouth in a crush of heat that runs down his chest and settles in his stomach, igniting a wave of artificial comfort deep inside of him.

It doesn't last.

Levi shifts on his chair, probably to ease a fit of cramps or pain. Eren winces, wanting to take the physical ache into himself so Levi need not hurt any longer.

"You still think of that day," Levi says, just as Eren wants to blurt out some banality to fill the silence.

Eren's reply comes out in a weak whisper. "How could I not?"

"We've been through this." There's no accusation is Levi's voice or gaze, only comprehension. "It wasn't your fault, Eren."

"It still feels like it," Eren admits, hearing his voice crack for good.

"I know." Levi doesn't prod on, only waits if Eren wants to add something or not.

Clearing his throat, Eren searches for the right words. "It's everywhere I go. It's like…It's like this wound that won't heal."

"Like my leg?" Levi offers.

Eren sniffs. Levi has always understood him better than anyone else. "Yes."

"I can live with my leg. Why can't you live with yours?"

"Because." Raising one shoulder in a weak shrug, Eren frowns. "Because I failed them." He knows this reply is a stubborn one and nothing else, but it's true nonetheless.

Still, there are too many reasons for him to not being able to live with it. There are his dreams, for one, which keep on haunting him, constantly reminding him. There are his friends who died. There's Levi's leg. Levi's pain. All this time wasted in search for answers.

"Do you blame me for enraging her?" Levi asks after a short pause.

Head jerking up at the question, Eren stares. "What?"

"Annie. In the woods," Levi says. "I talked to her when we captured her. It made her run wild."

Eren fumes. "That wasn't your fault!" He is certain his eyes are blue with revolt, but he can't hold it back, nor his outburst. "How could it be? She's the one who got angry! You did all you could. You always do!"

Gaze softened, Levi lifts an eyebrow.

"Oh." Eren deflates, feeling small and helpless. Useless. _"Unworthy,"_  something vicious deep inside of him offers.

"You have to learn to forgive yourself for that day, Eren," Levi continues. "It was only one decision out of many you made that day. We all made our own choices. It will never go away. But as opposed to my own injury, yours will heal if you allow yourself to let it go."

 _"You only hate yourself these days, Eren,"_  he hears Armin's voice for the second time today. " _You should stop with that."_

He gulps. This is the core of his problems. The explanation for why he hasn't let himself look at Levi, especially back then. Why he never saw he was in love or what was coming until it was too late. The reason for his guilt and his panicked flight out of that bedroom that night. The reason for him stomping off to see the ocean which he never searched for, of his own sake.

This is the source of his denial. Of his pain. It's been eating Eren up, and he let it consume him. It was easier than to accept he was unable to change the past than to move on. Part of him wanted to suffer. To atone.

Pressing out a breath, Eren clenches his jaw in anger at himself. He really has to stop behaving like a child. Starting now.

"How?" he asks.

"By remembering who they were," Levi says with more patience than Eren thinks he deserves. "Not how they died. It wouldn't help anyone, neither their memory nor us."

Eren nods, looking into his glass. "And how do I do that? How do you?"

Levi gives a gentle almost-smile at the question. "By remembering the things that mattered. Little things mostly. Small gestures and conversations. Eld's rabbit stew and his terrible jokes. Auruo's strong tea and his annoying morning whistling. Gunther's evening knitting and the face he made when he lost a loop. Petra's Sunday writing."

Almost against his will, the memories make Eren grin as something old and bruised untwists around his heart. "Yeah, Anna mentioned her letters," he says.

"How is she?" Levi asks.

"Strong." Grateful for Levi stirring the conversation back to the present, Eren nudges his knee against Levi's. "She wants to explore the new world."

Levi nods, glancing at his drink again. "You said she asked about me?"

For the first time, Eren understands this day still weighs on them all in one way or the other. He wants to lift the sorrow from Levi, make him smile and his eyes shine.

Somehow this goal helps him to let go of the past more than anything else. "She did." He smiles. "But she's more curious and excited than anything else. She asked me a couple of questions about back then, and how Petra was. She was so little when it happened that they never really got the chance to know each other well."

"She wants to remember."

"Yeah," Eren agrees.

Deciding it would help and probably be best to get it over with, Eren gulps down his drink. "How can you drink this stuff?" He grimaces.

"I usually don't," Levi says, a faint trace of mirth tugging at his lips. "It's Hanji's stash."

"Does she know you're stealing her whisky?" Eren teases, feeling startlingly courageous. Apparently, the piece of chocolate cake with potato pancakes doesn't save him from getting drunk almost as soon as the drink hits his system.

"I'm not stealing anything." Levi is smirking now, his eyes alight with amusement. "I'm the one buying it."

"When does she drink it anyway?" Eren mumbles more to himself than to anyone else. "I'm here every night."

"Not every night," Levi corrects.

"Oh." Eren draws his brows together. "I'm sorry for that." One second later another thought comes to his mind. "I'm still here a lot, though. Does she mind that?"

The fire flickers in Levi's bright eyes, painting them silver and gold. "No."

"Good." Lazy warmth prickles through Eren's veins. As always fascinated by the sensation of a buzz, he studies the digits of his left hand, rubbing his fingertips against each other. They tingle and feel numb.

"Well, at least it makes you feel nice," he thinks out loud. "At least for a while. Can I have a refill?"

Lifting an eyebrow, Levi looks at him over the unfamiliarly empty coffee table. "Are you sure about that?"

He really shouldn't. But it warms his cold bones, and Levi promised nothing would happen.

Eren glances at the bottle and nods.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A Happy New Year, everyone. I know I said there'd be a Christmas update, though regarding my Secret Santa upload I thought I'd rather post this chapter today. From now on we're back on the regular posting schedule. 
> 
> I wish you a wonderful 2018. May it be a good one for all of us. <3

**Seventeenth of December – A Nuthatch**

Eren awakens to the smell of fried bacon and eggs, roasted bread and, most irritatingly, to the scent of Levi all around him.

He shoots up, only to regret every single life decision he's ever made.

"Fuck."

His head is in agony. His mouth tastes awful, plus it's incredibly dry. His skin feels like it’s burning, his vision hurts, and his stomach is clenching with nausea. He's felt this kind of horrible only a handful of times, and all were after experiment sessions with Hanji in which she wanted to test his resistance—or rather his reaction—to alcohol. None of those experiments ended too well. His Titan abilities might heal injuries quickly. They can bring him back from being dead within the course of a few minutes. They do not, however, enhance his liver function or cure a headache.

"This is why I don't drink," he chides himself, squinting his sore eyes at his surroundings. It’s still dark outside, yet the door stands slightly ajar to let in a thin ray of lamplight.

There's a glass of water next to a pair of pills on the nightstand—not his own nightstand, Eren notices in a distant part of his brain. Assuming the pills are painkillers, he swallows them with a mouthful of the water. The cool, fresh taste is pure bliss for his overheated system, so Eren empties the glass with two deep gulps.

In an attempt to remember what has happened, or rather piece together what could have happened the night before, Eren comes to the conclusion, that after accepting the second drink there's only a big blank space in his head. Glancing around at himself, he tries to evaluate the situation. He's wearing his boxers, but that is all he is wearing.

Being met with the sight of a dark comforter and heavenly comfortable bed sheets, the comprehension about where he is catches up to him. The groan escaping Eren’s throat is torn somewhere between horrified and exhilarated. Still, Eren has to admit to himself his panic of being almost naked in Levi’s bed outweighs the joy by lengths. At least in this particular situation.

Of all the outcomes he might have imagined about how he would end up here eventually, hopefully, this was the last thing on his mind. This can't be happening.

As Eren deliberates between giving in to the urge to hide back under the blanket and endure Levi's scent for the rest of eternity, or getting up like he must at some point, the door opens. Reflexively, his hands clutch the blanket to his chest.

"I thought I heard you," Levi says.

Eren stares. It really shouldn't be fair to look like Levi does after a drinking night. Most importantly, did he just spend one night in bed with Levi and can’t even remember? Possible images flicker through his mind of Levi sleeping next to him, snuggling against him, without any clothes, and—

"Breakfast is ready," Levi continues. "Your clothes are over there on the dresser. I put a toothbrush for you in the bathroom." With that he's gone again, leaving Eren alone.

Suppressing a wince at the obnoxious throbbing sensation in his head, Eren crawls out of the bed. He stumbles over to the dresser to fumble his way into his neatly folded clothes, only leaving off the harness. He imagines Levi wrapping him out of its straps, and for a second Eren wants to die.

At least it's a Saturday. He won't have to go to work hung over like this.

Never again, he tells himself, still tasting the whisky on his tongue, and hastes off into the bathroom.

There's indeed a second toothbrush in a second glass next to Levi's. Given any other circumstances, it would make Eren smile. Now he only grabs it to fiercely brush his teeth until his mouth bruises and steams under the effort.

He doesn't shower. Instead he washes his face, neck, and armpits, twice. He also combs his hair before binding it back together until he looks presentable, if not sparkling clean. He takes one final look into the mirror, and leaves the bathroom to face his own, short walk of shame.

Levi is waiting for him at his dining table, reading a newspaper and looking as fresh as a daisy. His own plate, as well as the one waiting for Eren, are filled with food—bacon, sausages, eggs, and beans. At hearing Eren approach, he eyes him with scrutiny over his reading material before he folds his paper to start eating.

Eren sits down, inhales, and notices he is ravenous. So much so, that it doesn't even faze him when Levi, unsolicited, refills his plate with more eggs and bacon.

"What happened yesterday?" Eren asks as soon as he is sure he can handle the answer. “I remember alcohol.”

Cutting through the white of a fried egg, Levi lifts an eyebrow. "You conked out right in that chair after one and a half drinks. I thought carrying you through the streets to your own bed would be inconvenient. So, as you might already have put together, I put you in mine."

"We slept together?" Eren squeaks, his hand with a forkful of beans dropping onto his plate from mid-air.

"Not last night. No."

Eren cringes. This can't be the time for Levi to decide mentioning their previous night together. Especially not for the first time ever, can it? On the other hand, this is probably as good an opportunity as any other time to set the situation straight. Also, Eren has to admit, he forced that answer on himself anyway.

Thinking through a hangover really fucking hurts.

"But where did you sleep?" he asks.

Levi shoots a glance over to his armchair. Sure enough, there's a second folded blanket hanging over one of the armrests.

"I'm sorry, Levi," Eren says, lowering his head towards his plate. He’s suddenly feeling very sober.

He also feels extremely thankful. Every other person would be making fun of him, or be scolding him right now. Or both. Apart from a little well-deserved teasing, Levi doesn't do either, at least not yet. Hell, he even cooked Eren a warm, hearty breakfast and let him have his own bed.

"Well, it's not like I’ve never slept in worse places." Levi points at the bread basket. “Have more toast.”

Complying, Eren helps himself to two triangles. They are already buttered, and he crunches them, waiting for the reprimand which certainly will come.

"Did you know your ears steam when you're drunk as a skunk?" Levi asks out of the blue. "Must be the Titan blood. It was cute."

"What?!" Eren's head snaps up, making him wince at the abrupt movement. He notices how he’s sunken down on his seat during the prior topic and straightens his back. "Hanji never told me that."

Levi’s snort ends in a short wheeze that could pass for a laugh. "You should see your face."

Eren groans. "Aren't you feeling sick at all?"

"No."

"After how many drinks?" he asks.

"Two," Levi answers, grey eyes bright.

The statement takes a moment to sink in. "And I had nearly two as well?" Eren repeats.

"That's what I said."

"Not fair," Eren mutters, and he is certain he hears a muffled chuckle from across the table. Still, Levi’s feet reach out for his below the table, staying there once contact is made.

Relaxing into the connection, Eren chews his bread, drinks his tea, and wonders about how nice this is, despite his own idiocy, and the lingering queasiness. Luckily enough, the pills, the water, the food, the tea, or maybe a combination of all four, take their effect. The company certainly helps too. Warmed by the thought, Eren refills their tea cups, earning himself an accepting hum and a brief smile.

By the time his plate is empty, and Eren helps Levi clean up in the kitchen, having his eyes open to colours and light doesn't hurt anymore.

"Thank you," he says, accepting a dripping cup from Levi to wipe it dry with a tea towel. "It was delicious."

"Of course it was. You had what to your whisky yesterday? A couple of potatoes, some apple sauce, a piece of chocolate cake, and tea?"

Eren bites on a smile at the grumbled thanks which is hidden somewhere between these words and nearly misses the rest of it.

"You need to take better care of yourself," Levi says, his voice quiet.

As he frowns at the cup in his grip, Eren’s neck heats up. So that was it with his period of grace, but he deserves it. Levi is right. It isn't really an excuse that yesterday was an exception anyway.

"I know,” Eren says. “I'm sorry."

"It's not about you feeling sorry,” Levi replies. “I know you do. But if you keep on rushing into things you'll end up regretting, I can only do so much to help you out of the situations, Eren."

Cheeks burning with heat, Eren nods down at his moving hands. He’s never felt so small. "I know."

Levi never yells at him. Never. He doesn’t have to. His calm disappointment is always so much worse than angry yells ever could be.

"I can't protect you from hurting yourself. You need to stop doing the same mistakes over and over again,” Levi continues, scowling into the dishwater. “The only one who can do that is you."

Even through his headache, his nausea, and the dulled thoughts, Eren gets the hidden meaning in the words. It settles on his skin, in his throat, and in his guts until he feels sick all over again. Now. He has to fix this now.

Heart hammering, he clutches the cup and takes a shuddering breath. "Listen…" He gulps, forcing himself to hold the eye contact when Levi looks up. "I'm sorry for running away that night."

Levi goes completely still. Swallows. Only looks back at Eren with a frown, his one hand still deep in the soapy, hot water, the other holding out a dripping plate which now slowly sinks down at his side. His shoulders tense, his eyes turn cautious, and the trace of old hurt in them mirroring his own pushes Eren to say it all.

"It surprised me that it happened,” Eren says, almost wondering how he can get the words through his tightened chest. He is aware of his whole body clenching. Everything within cringes to keep him silent, but Levi needs to hear this, so Eren presses onwards. “I was stupid and…and I thought you would hate me over what happened. I thought I messed up everything and you’d regret it. I panicked and I didn't know what else to do. When you didn't say anything the next morning, I figured you thought that night was a mistake. So I tried to forget it and went on the expedition. I'm sorry for that too. I never wanted to hurt you, even though I must have hurt you a lot. Mostly I didn't even know what I was doing with myself up until recently."

Eren takes another breath. Almost done. "I don't expect you to forgive me,” he continues. “I don't even expect you to understand what was going through my mind back then. I’m always such an impulsive mess. But you deserve to know the truth."

When he is finished, the only sound in the room is the constant 'drip, drip, drip,' of the water from the plate, and Levi is still looking at him. Frowning.

"I don't hate you, Eren," he says softly. "I never have."

"I know," Eren croaks, his throat still tight with emotion, his heart hammering against it. "Like I said, I was being really stupid."

Levi sighs. "I guess we were both a bit stupid. I should have said something. Found out what was wrong."

Looking at his feet, Eren shakes his head. This is far more than he deserves. "I would have left anyway. I promised Armin to see the ocean together and would have wanted to keep my word."

"Maybe," Levi says. "But we could have saved time, instead of running around each other like two headless idiots."

Eren snorts. Though his heart is still racing, and his thoughts are throbbing in his skull, the heavy knot deep within his guts finally begins to untie. Most of all, he is beyond grateful to not have kissed Levi—or even taken him to bed—on Thursday night, like he wanted to. If he had, the misunderstanding would still stand between them. It would have been wrong, and he would have hurt Levi all over again. Leaving him to struggle in the unknown. Like this, they can have a fresh start. An honest one.

"Thank you," Levi says and smiles, nudging his shoulder against Eren's upper arm.

"You're welcome." He nudges back and takes the dripping plate out of Levi’s hand.

They continue cleaning in silence, and it is easy, familiar, and good.

It's still early, Eren notices as he regards the dark world outside through the kitchen window. It has stopped snowing. The world shines in a paling grey that is about to become white. The first birds have begun their morning chat. One of the nuthatches, which Eren only used to see during summer until now, flies onto the windowsill with a cheerful chirp before fluttering off again, probably on the search for breakfast. The first houses in the streets glow through their windows like awakening eyes. The chimneys send out their first puffs of smoke. Which reminds him:

"Did I really steam last night?" he asks, curious now.

Levi inhales gravely, but when he looks at Eren, his smirk is almost boyish. "No,” he says. “You snored though."

"Shut up, I did not!" Eren kicks Levi's foot but chuckles. "How late is it anyway? Don't you have to open your café soon?"

"Not for another half hour," Levi replies, placing the clean and dried plates into the cupboard. "Will you be all right today?"

"Yes." Eren nods.

Levi ruffles Eren’s hear, pulling back far too soon. "Good. You should talk to Hanji. She was worried and will probably be shitting her pants if she doesn't see you today to fuss over you."

Redoing his tousled half-ponytail, Eren smiles. "I will."

* * *

As things turn out, Hanji is already waiting in front of the Sparrow for her fix of morning caffeine. Her eyes spot Eren through the paned entrance door, and the mixture of emotions on her face is outstanding.

Unlocking the café for her, Levi sighs. "Come in, four-eyes, and close that mouth before the flies call it their home. Eren. Tea?"

If Hanji’s expression is anything to go by, Eren won't leave any time soon, so he slips out of his coat again. "Yes, please."

Hanji sits down in tense silence, tapping the fingers of her right hand on the counter. As soon as she has her cup of coffee and Levi and Eren are sipping their tea, it bursts out of her. "Are you–"

"No," they answer in unison.

Hanji and Eren grin.

Levi scowls. "Look at you two. Having a big crisis yesterday, and it is all forgotten over some stupid stuff. So much for the leaders of our Military Division."

"Our Military Division," Hanji corrects him with a cackle, gesturing between Eren and herself. "Not yours anymore."

"And thank fuck for that," Levi grumbles.

A knock comes on the door a moment before it opens to a massive back of a young, red-haired man, carrying a tray of baked goods.

“Hello Frey,” Levi greets him.

“Hello, Captain Levi. Commander Zoe.” He turns, notices Eren next to Hanji, and his blue eyes go as wide as Hanji’s had earlier. He gapes, while his face assumes an amazed, bright glow within a heartbeat. The conclusion he’s drawn stands so openly written on his face, that Eren blushes, rubbing his neck. “Eren…you…well, so good to see you here this early.”

Eren gives a sheepish smile, just as Levi interrupts Frey’s stammering.

“Not what you think, Frey.” His voice is kind, yet firm. “You hear me? Frey!”

Frey’s head snaps to Levi. “No? But, oh, y-yes,” he stammers. “Yes, of course. Sorry.” Blushing just as much as Eren while depositing the baked goods on the counter, Frey shoots darting glances between Eren and Levi. As Levi shoos him away, Frey nods, and muttering something about other deliveries, he stumbles back out of the door.

Levi heaves another sigh. “Looks like Norman and Evelyn will pay me a visit today.”

Having grinned at the exchange, Hanji laughs. “Seems so.”

Levi snorts.

Hanji beams at Levi. Then at Eren. "So," she starts. "What happened tonight?"

"We slept," Levi says, drawing her full attention back to him.

Eren reaches for his cup. He may have decided to not behave like a child any longer, yet he won’t step into this discussion. He can only lose. Hence he props himself up on his chair, nurses his tea, and observes the two of them with increasing amusement and awe alike.

"In one bed?" Hanji prods.

"None of your nosy business," Levi shoots back.

Hanji pouts. "How long has this been going on? Why haven’t you told me, Levi?"

"This café has been open for about sixteen months now. You were here when I set it up. You helped with renovating the building. You made me pay for a bell I didn’t order. You even drew most of the pictures in here."

Surprised, Eren glances around. He didn’t know the impressions of the café on the walls are Hanji’s. They’re astonishingly good for someone who used to draw only Titans in their free time.

"You know what I mean." Hanji’s fist hits the countertop in front of her in an almost soft and careful blow. Eren can’t help but be impressed at her restraint.

Levi seems to be as well since a small smile flickers over his face before he lifts the internal shields back up. "You didn't elaborate. Also,” he continues with a chin jerk kind of nod at the window front, “do you really think you wouldn’t have heard by now if it was what you’re thinking about? Gossip spreads like wildfire in this town.”

“Isn’t it wonderful!” Hanji grins and tries a new approach. "Is this the first time you came down the stairs together in the morning?"

"Define 'morning'," Levi replies.

“Wahoo!” Hanji punches the air above her head. "So it is the first time. Interesting. Any morning…contact?"

Levi folds his arms. "Don't you have a job to do or something?"

"Yup, that's why I'm here.” She leers with flushed cheeks. “I need my coffee to do it. Also, I was looking for Eren, and he wasn't at his place."

"So you figured you could look for him in my bed. By waiting down here, freezing your bony arse off in the cold." Levi glowers at her and reaches for a plate. "Reasonable. Here. Have some fucking cake, will you?"

“Thanks.” Accepting the nut cake set in front of her, Hanji grins at Eren. "How are you, Eren?"

Eren sighs. He at least has to react to this one. "I'm all right, Hanji. Thank you." She doesn't have to know about his awkward hangover.

"I see." She smiles, and it is soft now. "I'm glad. How'd the meeting go with Anna?"

"She's all right. Gave me an honest fright though for a second," he admits. "Thanks for the heads-up."

She sniffs. "Of course. Will it be all right?"

"Yes." He looks at her in reassurance and she nods.

"Good." As Eren has seen her do so many times before, she gulps down her hot drink in one go before she devours the cake just as quickly. She wipes her mouth with the back of her hand and rushes out of the café onto the streets. The bell behind her chimes, and the café falls silent.

Levi exhales only loud enough so Eren can hear it, and looks after her departing figure. "She'll always be nosy."

It takes Eren a moment to get what Levi means exactly. When he catches Levi's slightly worried frown, though, the message is all too clear. Eren knows Levi doesn’t mind Hanji asking questions on his behalf.

As to his own behalf, Eren never minded Hanji’s curiosity either. If he has to choose between Levi and escaping her nosiness, which has been a part of his life for years now, Eren doesn’t even have to think twice.

His stomach fills with warmth, and something inside of him wriggles with interest as he reaches for his tea once more. Holding Levi’s gaze, he grins. "I'm okay with that."

Levi looks back and smiles. "Okay."

* * *

Despite having already seen her, the first thing Eren does after leaving Levi, is visiting Hanji at her office.

If the morning, as well as the day before, taught him anything, it is that he has to make a change. It all starts today. He’s given his apology to Levi, but Eren isn’t done.

He saw it in Hanji’s eyes earlier. Witnessed it in her joy when she entered the Sparrow, as well as in her teasing banter with Levi. Eren never quite realised it this clearly before, yet he thinks he should have known all along Hanji is to Levi what Mikasa is to himself. She’s as close to family to Levi as it can ever get. Siblings bickering over everyday things, or not. Probably even because of it, Eren muses.

Taking a bracing breath of determination, he knocks and is bid entrance.

“Do you have a moment?” he asks.

Hanji sits at her cluttered desk, busy with some notes which she sets aside at his sight. “Sure, Eren. How can I help you?” Despite her grin a small frown knits her brow.

He closes the door. Not really wanting to sit down for this, Eren approaches her and remains standing. It occurs to him only now, though he intentionally sought this meeting, he has no clue whatsoever where to start. Then again, going by instinct is what he's always done best.

Hanji’s frowns deepens. “Is everything all right, Eren?”

“It is.” He bites his lip, deciding to come right to the point. “Well, almost. I’ve come to make amends.”

She cocks her head, leaning back in her seat, elbows steadied by the armrests to both her sides, hands folded in her lap. “You did nothing wrong.”

“Not today.” He pauses. “I hope.”

Hanji waves a hand. “Come on, sit.”

Exhaling, Eren relents. When her voice is like this, it would be unwise to disobey. “All right.”

The cushioned rest of her office chair strengthens his back as he sinks against it, encouraging him. “I…no.” Eren takes another collected breath and redirects. “Thank you for being there for him. Levi, I mean.”

She blinks. “It isn’t a burden,” Hanji says mildly.

“No, I know.” Eren holds her gaze. “But you still did a better job of being a friend than I did for a while.”

“Hm,” she makes, silent for a moment. Then she leans forward. “Tea?”

“Water would be great,” he sidesteps, relieved when Hanji beams with a delighted nod. All her infusions taste positively disgusting.

Standing from her chair, Hanji fetches a jug and a dull glass, filling it for him and handing it over before sitting back down. “You finally talked,” she concludes.

“We did,” Eren says. “I know I’ve been worrying you and…” he sighs, clutching his drink. “I’m sorry, Hanji. You have every right to be angry at me for what I did. I don’t understand why he isn’t.”

Narrowing her eyes, she regards him through her thick glasses. The morning sun is rising at her back, making it over the first rooftops. The blaze feels exceptionally bright with all the reflecting snow.

“You don’t have to apologise to me, Eren,” Hanji says after a few seconds have passed. “I’m sure you only did what you thought was right.”

“Still,” he begins, interrupted by a shake of her head.

“You came back. You’ve learned. You both have, I hope. It’s all right, Eren.”

He chuckles with a shake of his head at her serenity. “This feels so wrong,” he says to himself.

“What does?” Hanji asks.

“This.” He snorts, making a vague gesture between her and him and then at the room. “It keeps feeling like this is way too harmonious. I would scream at myself in your shoes.” Another derisive snort escapes him as he corrects himself. “I certainly have screamed at myself for being a blind idiot.”

“Ah, see? Your rage is enough for all of us,” Hanji concludes with a dramatic stare which is probably meant to make him laugh. It doesn’t fail its purpose completely, but Eren is not yet finished.

“I hurt you too, didn’t I?” he says.

“Don’t worry about that now.” Hanji smiles. “He looked happy this morning. Better than I’ve seen him be for a long time. You both do, actually.”

Clearing his throat, Eren peers at his hands. “Well…”

She sighs. “Do you know how often I tried to reason with him? Go, talk to Eren, I always said, but no, he wouldn’t listen. Even made me promise to not talk to you about it. You were both so afraid of what you’d hear if you spoke.”

A wave of prickling heat floods Eren’s veins at her words. In an attempt to wash it down, he takes a sip of his water, nearly spitting it out again before he forces himself to swallow. It tastes like dust, making him wonder for a brief moment how long it’s been in the jug. He resolves it’s probably best to not think about this too much.

“What was the problem between you two anyway?” Hanji frowns. “You went from being pretty much attached to each other’s hip to miserable over night.”

It’s her right to ask that, Eren assumes. “I was an arse,” he summarises, looking into her brown eyes. “And then, I was an idiot. I was an idiot for a very long time. Probably still am,” he adds.

“You’re not,” she says with a dismissive wave of her hand.

As a reply, Eren grins. “Armin says so, though, and so far he’s never been wrong. It’s okay to be honest about it,” he assures.

Hesitating for a moment, he bites on his lips and searches Hanji’s face. There’s not a hint of resentment as far as he can see. Yet if he wants to do things right this time, he has to ensure he didn’t make a bigger mess than he thought. He cares about Hanji, but Levi does even more so, which makes her Eren’s priority.

“Are we okay, you and me?” he asks, stomach clenching.

She smiles, leaning forward. “We always were, Eren.”

“Thank you.” He exhales. “For everything. Really. Again.”

She nods. “It’s okay. Take good care of him, will you?”

“I will.”

“Good.”

They share a cordial look, and Eren relaxes to the full.

“I’m sorry about occupying your chair all the time, by the way.” Eren smiles, tapping his index finger against the glass in his hand. “He told me Friday evenings were kind of your time before I stomped back into your lives. I didn’t want to intrude. He said you don’t mind, but I wanted to make sure.”

There is a short flicker in her eyes, yet Hanji’s face is set in a blank business expression as she takes off her glasses. “We can share him. For now, we’ve got a much bigger problem than you intruding on our evenings.” The serious line of her mouth makes the morning light feel sharp and ominous.

“What’s that?” Eren asks, ready to face whatever she’ll say next.

Polishing her glasses with her sleeve, Hanji heaves a drawn-out sigh, tantalising him for a long, torturous moment. Then she winks and shoots him a mischievous grin. “Who picks up the next chair?”

Tension snapping in his chest, Eren rolls his eyes with a light chuckle. “Isn’t furnishing your area of expertise?”

“Not really,” she replies, sitting back again with the amusement lingering on her features. She sets her glasses back on. They seem just as smudged as they were before. “He picked the last one along with everything else for the café.”

Taking another gulp of his water and instantly regretting it, Eren frowns. He gulps hastily and, for safety reasons, sets the half-emptied glass on a small free space on Hanji’s littered desk. “But he said he’s shit a decorating.”

Hanji snorts. “Have you even looked at the place? It’s all him.”

The Sparrow comes to Eren’s mind. With its warm wooden floor, the cosy furnishing, and drawings by Hanji and Jean. With its scents of tea and plain, simple rightfulness. Eren smiles. “Yeah, it is.”

“So,” Hanji says. “Any idea how to sort this out? Because I’m rather fond of my chair, you see, and I heard you’ve come to like it too. Quite the predicament, don’t you think?”

“Well, it’s my time to pay for one, isn’t it?” Eren says with a grin.

She grins back. “Seems so. What did you have in mind?”

“I really do like that corduroy chair,” he admits. Though he knows it’s actually Hanji’s, he’s come to see it as his chair over the last past week, and is not willing to fully give it up. “How about we get another one just like it?”

“Great idea,” Hanji agrees. “Does Levi know about this?”

“No.” Eren has been pondering about telling Levi he wants a third chair, asking him if this was all right. Yet in the end sorting things out with Hanji first had the upper hand. “I was hoping you could tell me where he had the frames made. I’d like it to be a surprise.”

Hanji beams. “Splendid! I’m in.”


	20. Levi, Part 3

Their morning talk rings long in Levi’s ears, lingering after Eren has left the Sparrow to go about his day. He slipped out of his seat at the counter with a promising smile, green eyes sparkling.

The sun seems to agree, sending her mild shine throughout the crisp December day. The winter frost is omnipresent, yet isn’t able to reach all the way through the window front and entrance. The Sparrow remains warm and bright. The day beautiful and clear. Not even curious townsfolk can shatter the odd peace. Nor their zeal.

The first to step in is Evelyn. She arrives around noon, cheeks swollen, eyes dreamy, her whole posture and pace an image of pure elation. Her open display of happiness for Levi’s sake would almost be frightening on any other day. On the other hand, Levi thinks dryly, if he can handle Evelyn’s enthusiasm today, he will be able to handle everyone else with ease.

“Hello Evelyn,” he greets her.

“I came as soon as I could,” she announces, and yes, Levi thinks she did. “Frey told us, Eren was here this morning.”

“He was,” Levi agrees, lifting an eyebrow. “Did Frey also tell you what I told him?”

“Yes. But this is progress, isn’t it?” After resting a small basket on the countertop, that has Levi suppressing a defeated sigh over its likely contents, Evelyn shakes off her coat. “Frey said, you both looked good. Happy. I almost couldn’t believe it. Or, well, I could, but still.”

“Evelyn,” Levi tries, darting a wary glance through the café. It's half-filled with uniformed customers who have fallen extraordinarily silent. He sighs inwardly.

“So wonderful,” she chatters on. “After waiting so long. You must be so happy. Are you happy?” Her eyes blink up at him, full of expectation, glimmering with the first trace of joyful tears.  

Levi intervenes. “Sit, Evelyn, and remember to breathe. Tea?” Already knowing the answer, he reaches for the caddie with her favourite Oolong and begins to spoon the required amount of leaves into a sieve.

Graciously obeying his order, she nods. “Oh, yes please, tea would be lovely. But Levi. You must tell me. Are you–”

“No,” Levi interrupts her, aware of at least half a dozen pairs of pricked up ears nearby. “Not yet,” he adds.

“Why not?” Evelyn whines.

He can’t help but smirk. “Because good things take time,” he answers.

It seems to have been the right reply since Evelyn smiles again and relaxes on her seat with an enraptured sigh.

Levi snorts. “Guess you’ll be the first to know anyway.”

At least she has the courtesy to look guilty. “I can’t help it,” she admits, crimson blooming on her cheeks. “I see people who need a little push and I want to help them.”

“Hm,” Levi hums. “Yes, now that you mention it. Magda was here last weekend.”

Evelyn goes still.

Levi nods as he proceeds. “She told me some interesting things.”

Upon his sharp gaze, Evelyn’s blush assumes a dangerous hue while her left hand searches the hem of her right jumper sleeve to fiddle with a loose thread. She doesn’t budge however, Levi must give Evelyn her due on that part.

“I thought good food might be the best way,” she explains with a resolute tone. Her eyes are fixed on Levi. “Did it work?”

Tending to the whistling kettle, Levi releases her from his scrutiny. “It was delicious. No interesting side effects though. Seriously, Evelyn. Don’t you think we could do without that sort of silliness?” Giving her one last, reprimanding look, he pours the water into the pot before turning a sandglass for the infusion.

“Well, that’s it, young man,” she says, voice firm. “I thought you didn’t.”

Levi snorts again.

“You truly are different today. It’s like you’re glowing.” She squeaks. “Norman will be so glad!”

“Evelyn,” Levi says. “Don’t push it.”

“Oh, shush,” she answers with a reprehensive glance. “We’ve all been waiting for over a year now. Same as you, you know? You can’t be mad at us for being curious. Or happy.” She leans forward. “And now: out with it! Why was Eren here this morning?”

Dragging in a bracing breath for the second interrogation that day, Levi lifts the sieve with the unfolded leaves out of the pot. The shortest explanation seems to be the best in Evelyn’s case. “Because he stayed over tonight. And no, nothing happened.”

“Nothing at all?” Evelyn deflates, looking almost defeated.

Eren sleeping next to Levi’s fireplace. Eren’s fingers exploring Levi’s hand before dinner with feathery touches. Eren piercing him with his vehement gaze, defending Levi from himself with burning intensity. _“You did all you could. You always do!”_

Eren laying in his bed, looking as though he belonged there, his hair a gorgeous mess on Levi’s pillow. Eren holding on to Levi’s arm with a drowsy _“you smell so good,”_ when Levi tucked him in. Sleepy, dimpled smiles over toast and tea.

 _"I'm sorry for running away that night."_ And: _“I never wanted to hurt you.”_

“Nothing that I know you’re hoping for,” Levi says. It won’t be enough for Evelyn, so he adds: “We needed to sort some things out.”

“I see.” She smiles, perking up at the news. “Well, that’s good to hear. We all adore you two, you know. We’ve seen all your glances. Would be a shame if you let it go to waste.”

After pouring Evelyn her cup of Oolong, plus a cup for himself, Levi sets her tea on the counter.

“Thank you.” Evelyn takes the cup. “When do you think you two will–”

“Not your concern, Evelyn,” Levi says.

“You men are all the same.” The look she throws him is equal parts crestfallen and chiding. “You never talk about stuff that matters.”

Levi smirks. “You should speak to my friend,” he says, enjoying the scent of his infusion before he takes a small sip. “She thinks the same.”

“The Commander?” Evelyn leans back on the bar stool, shaking her head with widening eyes. “Oh no. I wouldn't do that! She’s a scary woman.”

“Hanji isn’t too bad,” Levi replies, smiling into his tea.

Evelyn has got a point, he muses. Hanji can be a terrifying beast at times, but he wouldn’t have her any other way. For a second Levi startles, wondering about whether people like her and Eren seek him out on their own, or if it’s the other way around. Maybe he’s got a personality type.

“You surround yourself with interesting people,” Evelyn says, her thoughts on the same track as his. “Though I must admit, he is lovely.” Her eyes focus on Eren’s drawing and soften.

“Well, he’s already spoken for as it seems.” Levi folds his arms. “And I doubt Norman would like sharing you anyhow.”

Evelyn giggles. “Don’t worry, he’s all yours. Speaking of. I brought you some food.”

“Of course, you did,” Levi says as she reaches for her basket.

“Nothing much, I assure you,” she says. “I already know Val has been here just yesterday, bringing over a little feast.”

Briefly lifting his eyes to the ceiling in hope for an epiphany or whatever, really, Levi stifles a sigh. “No feast as it seems,” he explains with a small yet fugacious jolt of regret. He thinks about the missed opportunity of Valentin’s promised ‘best meal ever,’ in favour of properly feeding Eren this morning. “We had a rich breakfast today.”

“Oh, breakfast is important,” Evelyn praises. “Especially after a long and exhausting night—and no, _that_ is not how I meant it,” she reprimands Levi before he even has time to object. “Honest heart to heart talks are often far more draining.”

Giving in with a shrug, Levi drinks his tea and lets Evelyn continue talking.

“Anyway,” she chatters. “I only brought you some fresh eggs and chestnuts. They're nice when you roast them as they are. A delightful meal.”

Levi nods in agreement. “Thank you. Put it on the weekly bill. Could you also add a new load of wheat bread to tomorrow's delivery? Some milk too?”

She smiles. “Of course.”

“Thank you, Evelyn.”

Blinking kindly through the hazy steam of her Oolong, Evelyn blushes and smiles.

About an hour later Norman is blown in by a gust of wind that makes his fire red beard billow as his hair whips around his head.

“Levi,” he greets as the door closes behind him. “I hear congratulations aren't fully due yet, but I'm happy for you anyway. Can I have some of that lovely tea Evelyn just had?”

Nodding, Levi prepares a second infusion of the Oolong. “How bad is it?” he asks, not having to explain what he means.

“Oh, not bad,” Norman’s smiles is conciliatory. He seats his big frame on the same barstool his wife used earlier.

They always choose the same stool when they visit Levi both in one day, although it changes with every visit. Levi doesn't know if their synchronicity is in their blood by now, or if it's all coincidence.

“She’s been chatting about it with our customers, but nothing for you to worry about. All the regulars are hoping you and Eren will finally settle down and be happy together.”

Levi taps on his counter.

“She adores you.” Norman’s blue eyes are earnest and soft. “She wouldn't dare to step over a line with you. Wonderful woman,” he adds, blinking.

Knowing Norman well enough by now to being able to avert the worst, Levi hands him a napkin to dry his rising emotions and decides for a diversion. “Have you heard from Arne lately? He hasn't been in here for a while.”

“Arne?” Norman asks with a little sniff. “Yes, of course. The lad’s fine. ‘s been busy with curing ham these days. Last I heard, he had to make a trip to some furriers to sell his collected pelts too. Should be back here soon, I suppose.”

“Good.” Levi nods. Apparently, Arne hasn't gotten gored by a deer antler, boar’s tusk, or anything else deadly.

“How is your Eren holding up?” Norman asks.

“He’s good,” Levi replies, ignoring the hint of possessiveness implied by Norman’s words. Eren isn’t anyone’s but Eren’s own. “Busy with the new Trainees.”

“Oh, the new season has already begun, eh? Time flies,” Norman mutters into his beard as Levi hands him his tea. “Ta!” He accepts his cup and takes a sip. “Mm. Lovely as always.”

Levi smiles.

Norman grins back. “Are you sure nothing happened between you two?”

“Wouldn't I know?” Levi lifts an eyebrow.

“Would you?” Norman muses into his tea with a chuckle. “Took you both long enough to admit anything at all, seems to me.”

Levi lets the accusation slide and replies with a quiet snort. Evelyn and Norman indeed are the proverbial two peas in a pod.

Setting the tea cup back onto its saucer, Norman sighs. “Ah, love. It gets to us all. Don't let it go again, lad. Let it in. It makes life beautiful, you know. Without it, everything is just stale and grey and everyday business.”

Frowning, Levi rearranges his already perfectly organized workstation. Norman addressed the most crucial point of it all without even knowing.

Levi agrees on the stale and grey part. He has lived it, experienced it, without any wish to repeat it. Yet he has no idea how to wrap his mind around the knowledge Eren wants him in return.

The question has been occupying his thoughts since last week. Eren coming back from that fishing trip, looking at Levi as if he'd hung the sun, dazzled, amazed, radiant. Levi has waited, not dared to hope, for that look for several years. Now that he's being granted with it, it rattles against a part within himself that he's kept locked away ever since he can remember.

Eren is not able to fake emotions, so he means every bit of it. He means it when he says he likes it here, asking with a careful hesitance if he imposes, although he never has, although Levi even wants him to. Eren means it when he looks at Levi over butter knives as though he might shatter if he has to hold himself back any longer. He also means it when he fixes Levi over his brass counter with an expression somewhere between liberation, salvation, and adoration so deep. Dashing at Levi’s hand as though it was all that mattered. Clinging on as though it wasn’t Levi who was dissolving around the edges if they’d let go. Levi can’t help but ask himself what he did right in his life to be granted this much.

Eren isn't deluded about Levi. He knows him better than anyone else. Which makes the question of why the fuck Eren would want someone like him even more puzzling.

Levi is awkward. He lacks nice words and passion. He has no stunning bright smile, and no further security to offer than himself, and his knife. He’s got no warmth, no playful attitude. No hope outside of Eren himself.

Levi isn't stupid, or even self-destructive enough to push Eren away for it. Eren isn't perfect either. Levi knows that, yet it doesn't stop him from seeking Eren out like a moth being pulled toward the flame. Levi needs Eren’s spirit, his voice, and his therapeutic laughter. The imbalance he brings into Levi’s obsessively sorted life to somehow balance it out even more.

His body longs to bask in Eren’s heat, yearns for his big hands with their gentle fingers on the small of Levi’s back, against his nape, playing with the stubble of his undercut like they once did. He wants to be held, to be embraced by more than the lifeless leather of his chair, to wake up to Eren’s sleepy eyes every morning. To have breakfast together, to read the paper side by side with rustling turns of pages followed by something else than the usual pressing silence of someone missing. To exchange a “see you later,” with a parting brush of fingers over the countertop. He wants it all. Even if it means Eren realising how boring and uninteresting Levi is in the end.

Norman looks at Levi and smiles. “You’re one to worry too much, aren't you?” His huge hand seizes the fragile handle of his tea cup. “You'll be fine, Captain. He’s a good man.”

“He is,” Levi says, not entirely able to fight down the tiny voice in his head that asks, _“but what about myself?”_

* * *

The town seems to be in some odd tizzy. As though having been summoned by Norman’s and Levi’s talk, Arne enters the café a few minutes before Eren’s usual time to appear.  

He nods at Levi with a steady glance, takes a seat at the counter, and relaxes on the stool in a gradual wave. His shoulders loosen first, followed by a slight shift in his whole body before he rests his forearms on Levi’s counter. Arne exhales as though the world on the other side of the door has taken a heavy toll on him.

Already familiar with the procedure, Levi waits for Arne to be ready. Meanwhile, he busies himself with refilling his caddies, bringing the bigger boxes and sacks back into the staff department, cleaning the work surface, and neatly rearranging everything.

“That tea you served me the last time,” Arne mentions when minutes have passed. “It was good.”

Reaching for the caddie with roasted tea stems with an approving smirk, Levi concurs. Arne has good taste. “Pastry?” he asks.

“Mm.”

It's been a good day for the café, and almost nothing is left, except for a single cinnamon roll and a piece of marble cake. Levi goes for the cake, saving the spicy bun for Eren.

Nodding a thank you at the plate set before him, Arne takes a bite without further comment.

Levi can only speculate about how it must be for Arne to come out of the wordless wilderness into this town. A place where Evelyn and her friends, good intentions or not, chatter from dawn to dusk. Civilisation is where everyone tries to connect with one another through communication, and Arne is not a conversationalist.

Levi lets Arne to it, quietly preparing the Hojicha and, to seize every infusion the luxury offers, brewing a second batch for himself right afterwards.

He’s about to pour himself his cup when Eren opens the door. The chiming of the bell enhances the brightness of his eyes and resonates with a thump of Levi’s heart.

“Hello,” Eren greets, taking in Arne’s impression with an assessing glance. Some kind of understanding recognition flits over his face, and he opts for a chair at the counter as well with a respectful space of one empty chair between him and Arne.

Arne hums, nods, and sips his tea.

Levi offers Eren his own, untouched, cup, and brews a third infusion of roasted tea.

“Thanks.” Eren grins. Going by the lack of stubbles on his chin, he must have shaved. And although he just walked through the chilly streets and carries the faint trace of crisp, fresh air, the heat radiating off him settles on Levi like long missed sun rays in spring.

Arne shoots Eren a brief glance, then looks at Levi, and nods again, reaching for the burlap bundle he usually carries with himself.

“Brought you some sausages,” he says. “Deer. Pork fat. Rosemary and juniper. Added some chestnuts.”

Catching Eren’s delighted beam at Arne’s words, Levi smiles. Sausage dinner it is. “Thank you.”

“Also got some boar ham,” Arne proceeds. He’s got a shimmer in his eyes that makes it clear he’s offering something special. “With juniper. Good stuff. My best so far. You’ll like it.”

Levi opens the paper wrapping. A combination of herbs, smoked meat, and something woody and wild spreads in the room, invading his nostrils with an earthy warmth. He hums at the savoury content. “No money again?”

“Mm. If it's possible?” Arne agrees.

“With the rabbit sausages and ragout from last time I can offer you one of those you're having right now,” Levi suggests. “Or two of the Gunpowder.”

At his offer, Arne’s eyes light up in a way that makes Levi smile. “This one,” Arne says.

“Wrapped?” Levi asks.

“No.”

He fetches a caddie of the Hojicha. Back at the counter, he writes down the instructions and blinks up in silent wonder as Arne turns to Eren.

“You like knives too?” he asks with an appraising expression, despite his usual avoidance of talking to Levi’s other customers.

Levi heaves a soundless sigh. Evelyn and Norman must have spread gossip about Eren and himself the moment Arne entered the bakery to make his bi-weekly delivery.

Taking a sip of his tea, Eren replies with a small shrug. “I'm better at hand to hand combat, but yeah.”

“I got a new one. Wanna see?” After pulling it out of its sheath and giving an appreciative hum, Arne shows it to the both of them before offering it to Eren, handle first.

Wiping his hands on a napkin, Eren looks at the proffered knife before taking it to inspect it. “For dressing?” he asks, examining the shiny blade and testing its sharpness with his thumb.

“It is,” Arne says. “Drop point blade. Perfect for small game, you see? Doesn't it feel nice in your hand?”

“Well balanced. Nice grip because of the antler handle,” Eren mumbles before surveying the metal of the blade more closely.

Warmth flutters in Levi’s stomach. As much as Eren grumbled when Levi first made him learn everything possible about knives, the lessons are paying off now. He muses, Eren even appreciates Arne’s gesture of approval far more than Evelyn’s fussing ever could accomplish. Not that it’s needed.

“Beautiful forge work,” Eren continues. “Solid temper line and full tang too. Will serve you well for a lot of years, I think.” He hands the knife back, and Arne beams.

Then Eren glances up at Levi with a lifted eyebrow. He sees Levi’s smile and grants him that dimpled grin in return which seems to have a direct link to Levi’s groin.

Having emptied his cup, Arne gathers his empty burlap rucksack and his new caddie with tea. He gives them both a final nod before heading for the door. “Good talk as always, Levi. See you soon, Eren.”

With that Arne is gone, leaving the two of them alone.

Eren chuckles. A bright and sparkling sound. “Seems like I've met the legendary Arne now. I almost thought he was a myth.”

Levi smirks. “He isn’t. Cinnamon roll?”

Green eyes widen. “Yes, please.”

Emptying the cake display, Levi arranges Eren’s pastry on a plate, handing it over with a small smile.

“How was your day?” Eren asks, digging into the bun with a soft, pleased groan before putting it back on his plate. Then he frowns mildly at his fingers and licks some spices from his thumb, leaving his mouth with cinnamon and sugar sprinkles dusting his bottom lip. His tongue flicking out to swipe it away makes Levi’s insides ignite as his thoughts reduce to the single wish to chase it back into Eren’s mouth, tasting him, pressing up against him.

Levi gulps. Does Eren even know what he looks like when he is eating, or how he sounds? Seemingly not, Levi decides as Eren glances at him with an almost irritated expression at the unanswered question.

“It was interesting,” Levi manages, wrapping his fingers around his cup to drink. It’s as warm as Eren’s lips would feel against his if Levi kissed him now. He’d pull him against himself, loosen the hairband, and bury his fingers deep in Eren’s wild locks, savouring it all.

“Frey’s doing?” Eren assumes.

“Yes.” Relishing the grounding, toasty flavour of his tea, Levi nods. “Wasn’t too bad though. What did you do today?”

Grinning, Eren rests his elbows on the countertop, leaning closer. “I talked to Hanji, ran some errands in town, visited Selma, and cleaned my quarters.”

“And?” Levi asks at the sight of pink earlobes.

So fucking cute.

“Took a nap,” Eren admits, his delicious blush shooting all the way up to his brow.

Levi’s following smirk falters when Eren wraps his lips around another bite of sugary spiced pastry, chews, and swallows, Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat. Want coils deep in Levi’s guts, but the burn slowly scorching his body is far too good to interrupt.

Eren asked him for a bit more time on Thursday. If Eren will be around whilst taking uncharacteristically small steps, Levi will be here, basking in whatever Eren is willing to give.

What are a few more days of waiting after years of longing?

Nothing, his heart answers with a kick as Eren hums into his Hojicha, looking gorgeous; a bit like danger and delight at the same time. It hurts in all the best ways. Like being a bit too close to the sun after decades of darkness, being blinded by its beautiful light whilst still yearning for its glow.

Eren sets down his cup, smiles, and Levi allows himself to enjoy being in love. With Eren, it’s almost shockingly easy.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys. <3 Thank you so much for all your gorgeous feedback, for leaving Kudos, and for helping me spread the joy by sharing my updates on tumblr. I can't express my gratitude enough. But I can share today's chapter a bit early. 
> 
> You are so, so wonderful. Please enjoy.

**Eighteenth of December – A Key**

After yesterday's hangover breakfast, Eren's savoury weekend routine of tea and toast smothered in butter and honey, seems scarce and, most of all, lonely. Nevertheless, he indulges in its rich sweetness, his mind recapitulating the memories from the previous night. It had been an interesting experience.

Their prior morning talk with Eren's apology had eased the way for promising anticipation and several knowing looks. He held Levi's hand again after dinner, reaching for it to trace knuckles, veins, and lifelines, experiencing the same treatment in return. Their feet touched during chess, sock fabric rubbing over sock fabric with every movement of a toe, and when they said goodbye long after midnight, Eren couldn't stop himself from leaning forward to brush a lingering kiss over a sharp cheekbone. The pressure of Levi's fingers closing tight around his own at the gesture, coupled with the hot puff of a catching breath against his ear ended in Eren going home feeling desperate. He didn't even make it into his kitchen before jerking himself off, leaning right against his shut door and coming violently after only a few pulls. He'd looked at the cooling evidence of his release on his hand, all the while asking himself why the fuck he is doing this to himself.

Taking care of the remains of his breakfast, Eren's gaze wanders over to the napkin on his kitchen wall. He smiles. This is why. Because of Levi. Eren wants, no, needs to do right by Levi. Wants him to feel good and comfortable about shifting their relationship for life. To savour every single step along the way.

Still, the question of how relationships usually come to life to begin with remains. What should he do or say? What's expected in a situation like this?

What would Levi do?

As Eren follows the blue, scratchy lines on the soft napkin with his fingertips, a deep, glimmering warmth rises in his chest. He welcomes it, allowing it to wrap around his heart and pool in his belly with reassuring calmness.

One step at a time, he thinks.

"See you tonight," he promises with a final brush across Levi's drawing.

Then he grabs his coat and leaves his quarters to help Connie and Sasha with settling into their new jobs.

They moved into their new place on the day the Exploration Squads left. Still, Eren offered his assistance with going through the Instructor manuals and timetables they had to understand.

Sasha greets him with a wide smile a few moments after he knocked, bidding him to enter. Connie grins at him from their table which is loaded with paperwork.

Despite the rather scarce interior décor using the few things they own, they've made it a home in such a short time. His own quarters never looked this comfortable, and he's been living in them for over a year.

A picture from Jean hangs in their living room. It's one of those he must have drawn recently—it's the six of them sitting in the Sparrow—and a surprising amount of houseplants are scattered all over the place. A small collection of wooden animals rest on the window sill, including a bear, a wolf, a crab, and some other animal that Eren doesn't recognise. It somehow reminds him of a fish. Connie must have improved his carving skills. The whole homeliness is enhanced by the faint smell of broth which hangs promisingly in the air.

Eren smiles. "Nice place."

Sasha beams, holding out a plate. "Thank you, Eren. Cookies?"

Of course, she bakes too, he thinks.

Soon they sit around the table, the baked goods between them, and Sasha even brews him some tea, which Eren gratefully accepts. It only takes him one sip to make him smile even brighter. It's one of Levi's.

"We already went through the list of what the first years should know at the end of the term," Sasha says after they've discussed general procedures, drills, and teaching methods. She tucks a strand of wayward hair behind her ear while looking down at the papers. "But I don't really know where to start."

"I was thinking about resilience and strength training." Connie points at a sheet of paper with a sequence of drills for abdominal muscle formation.

Eren nods. "Yeah, I'd start with that, but didn't take too long before giving them the gear test. Remember how Shadis made us take the test during our second week as cadets? I did it the third week last year because it helped to determine who could continue training."

Connie and Sasha nod, so Eren continues. "We don't need it as much as we used to, but it's still essential equipment we all have to use. If cadets don't have the feel for it, they will have to leave. It doesn't make sense to wait too long before testing their balance. If they invest too much only to get told they have to leave, they'll be far more disappointed. Still, testing them right away isn't the right way either. They need to have core muscle training before that. Otherwise, some will fail because they've got nothing to steady themselves."

"Exactly what I was thinking," Connie says. "I probably wouldn't have made the cut without the abdominal training Shadis tortured us with for all those hours."

"Yeah, their bodies aren't trained to handle balancing on wires and belts beforehand." Sasha sighs. "I'd forgotten that."

Eren smiles. "Do you already feel fit enough for training the second-years, Sasha?"

"Yes." She grins. "Based on the lessons we attended with you, I already know them and can tell how far along they are. I've got a good idea of what what to teach them from these tables too."

"Good. I could take over the first-years for you starting next week. Connie can assist me, so he can tell you about their progress. If that's okay with you two?"

"Fine with me," Connie agrees, looking at Sasha.

"Yeah, that sounds good," she says. "Thank you, Eren."

He nods. "You're welcome."

"Harold will probably want you there when they set Selma free," she adds. "Isn't that supposed to be next week?"

"First we need to let her strengthen her injured wing," Eren says, chewing on a cookie. "But yes, if it is healed enough, we could try releasing her by the middle of next week."

Sasha makes a ponderous face. "Should we make it a lesson with both classes combined? Part of our new survey mission is to document strange animals and birds, so knowing how to take care of them matters."

"It might be a bit cramped having two classes watch a bird relearning to fly," Eren smiles, relishing in the flavour of crumbling sugar, melting chocolate, and crunchy nut pieces. "But I could ask Harold to lend her to me so I can show the first years how to take care of a broken wing before we remove the tape."

"Good. It's settled then." Sasha nods and grins, her eyes twinkling. "How was the stew yesterday?"

Though smiling, Eren sighs. He just managed to not think about Levi for a minute, but apparently, there's no way to avoid the subject. "It was pleasant. Thank you."

"You're welcome." She winks and grabs a cookie to stuff it in her mouth with a lot of crumbling. "Want to know how to make these too?"

Eren glances at the plate which, due to him and Sasha, is almost empty, and sighs once more, defeated.

"Yes, please," he responds while grabbing another cookie. They seem to calm his nerves. Although the question of what he will or won't do tonight is back in his head, Eren thinks he at least will be able to handle it. Whatever may happen.

* * *

When he is standing in Levi's kitchen again at dinner time, however, he isn't so sure about that anymore.

Eager to keep his hands busy, Eren fumbles with the tea supplies as he prepares tonight's relaxing herbal infusion. Meanwhile, Levi is standing next to him, stirring the contents of a pan with heavenly smelling sausage meatballs and sauce. It's silent, just a bit too silent, and Eren's nerves are up in arms while the pleasant tingle of 'any time now' flowing between them makes his stomach swoop.

Goosebumps rise on Eren's neck and arms, making him sensitive for every one of Levi's tiniest movements beside him. His skin feels too tight and stretched taut against his bones. His fingers long for touch, his mouth for Levi's taste, his stomach for closeness.

Levi's elbow brushes over Eren's, and his emotions burst out.

"I hate this!" Eren cringes. No. That's not how he meant it. Not at all. On the contrary! He stares at Levi who looks back at him with a lifted eyebrow, waiting for an explanation.

So Eren starts anew. "Am I being stupid again?" he asks. It sure feels a bit like it.

"I don't know," Levi says. Tiny lights flicker in his eyes. A strand of his fringe falls softly over his brow. "Are you?"

"I don't know," Eren admits. "I don't know if–" He doesn't even know that. Too many ifs are racing around his head: What if I do something wrong? What if this is a silly idea? What if I get idiotic again, even though I know I want this so much? What if you find out I'm not worthy? What if it doesn't work out after all?

Pulling his lonely lip between his teeth, Eren tries to put his thoughts into the right words. He's not used to feeling insecure, to be this scared to screw something up. "I don't know what to do."

"You want something to change," Levi says after a short pause, still looking at him, searching his eyes.

Staring back, Eren swallows against his pounding heart as his thoughts vanish inside grey eyes.

What if I only hurt you again?

"Yes," he confesses.

Levi steps even closer until Eren can feel his alluring heat, utterly intoxicating, brilliant. Levi is smiling, smiling up at Eren, and he is close, so very close. He's looking at Eren's mouth with steady, questioning eyes. His tongue darts out to lick his parted lips. Eren can hear Levi's quickened breath a moment before Levi's fingers brush over his waist, directly over the hem of his trousers. Eren jerks at the touch. He can't breathe anymore. His heart feels ready to implode any moment.

"This?" Levi asks. The word fans over Eren's face from this close, filling his lungs with Levi's scent, rooting him in place as Levi's thumb continues to rub tantalising heat into Eren's belly.

Levi's eyes have streaks of silver in them. Thin lines, like starlight catching on ocean waves.

Slowly Eren reaches out with an unsteady hand to brush the strand of hair out of Levi's brow before tracing Levi's warm cheekbones with his thumb. Levi's skin is warm under his fingertips and scratchy from the first trace of beard shade.

"Yes," Eren breathes.

Enthralled by the sudden light blush blooming under his touch, he lets his hand wander further over Levi's neck, down his throat, over collarbones, and back across the soft stubble of the undercut until his fingers thread with Levi's silky hair. Levi makes a harsh gasping sound, and Eren stops thinking altogether. He doesn't really know who moves first. One moment he takes a last reassuring look into stunned, darkening eyes, the next Levi is already slotting himself against him, warm, muscular, powerful. Levi's lips brush against his. Stop. Wait, and at a needy sound from the back of his throat, their mouths meet in a hot collision. Messy and wet. The kiss is all Eren remembers, and so much more. Terrifying. Thrilling. Perfect.

Levi's strong fingers curl tight around his wrist and hip. Eren distantly realises he makes a sound again, some whispered promise a moment before Levi's tongue performs an unhurried slide against Eren's own, setting him ablaze and igniting a heavy ache in the base of his spine. It seems to expand, burning brightly to scorch every lingering restraint to ashes.

Eren wants to take his time, but his body won't let him, greedy for more. He lunges forward, presses Levi against his kitchen counter.

Levi chuckles softly. "Always in such a hurry," he mumbles into their kiss, breath ragged, voice raspy, mouth curling in a smile. His lips brush over Eren's with a mere ghost of a touch.

"Shit." Eren shivers, knees going weak, heat everywhere. His nerves are tingling, sending a thrilling tension into his guts. If Levi wants to continue with this slow pace, Eren might shatter with want right here on this spot.

"It's all right." Levi's thumb rubs Eren's waist again, holding him together, while Levi's other hand comes to a rest on Eren's neck. He lets Eren cling on to him as his tongue tenderly slips back into Eren's mouth, once, twice, and then Eren loses count, deciding it's much better to kiss back than thinking about details.

He lets himself get turned and pressed against the kitchen counter with a warming hand resting on his waist. Levi's thumb draws soothing circles over his shirt covered belly in possessive strokes. A moment later his hair falls down with a tug on his ponytail before Levi's fingers slip into his strands. He groans. Levi is everywhere.

Lights dance behind Eren's eyelids as pure, pleasant ache settles in his guts, blinding him to everything but a strong, firm front pressing against his, melting into him, lips and hands ravishing him. Eren lets it all happen, welcomes the languid kisses, the soft heat, the hold on his head. Enjoys the smooth shirt fabric and strands of silky hair in his own hands. Lets himself get swept away by the moment. Their long overdue moment.

By the time they draw back for air, Levi looks at him through cloudy, darkened eyes. His mouth is red and wet, his hair ruffled, cheeks flushed. His hair is a mess.

Dazzled by it all, Eren stares. He did this to Levi. He needs more. So much more!

"How far do you want this to go tonight?" Levi asks, voice low and breathy, warm thumbs brushing over Eren's cheekbones. "Tell me where I need to stop."

Eren blinks through his haze, ordering himself to focus. He doesn't want to stop. He wants to lose himself in Levi, wants to pull him in closer. Yet something holds him back. Steadied by reassuring grey eyes, Eren scrambles together enough of his reason and his voice so he can answer.

"No actual fucking." He pants, swallows, despises himself for asking so much, though he knows this is the right choice. It has to be different tonight than it was their first time.

"Everything else is okay?" Levi is breathing hard too, is shuddering under Eren's touch.

"Yes," Eren rasps, trembling under Levi's sight. At his words. At his taste on his lips. "Yes, please! I…you, I need you. Please."

Levi makes a sound again, and this time it's a hungry growl that shoots lightings through Eren's veins, down his spine, and into his cock. Eren bends down to crush their mouths back together, but Levi meets him with lazy strokes of his tongue that take the haste out of their kiss, making it tormentingly slow, gentle, and sinful.

"Oh, yes!" Eren could probably come from this alone, but then Levi's hips press up against him in a languid motion, and he throws his head back at the sudden friction, the heat, the want and oh, yes, he wants it too. Needs it. He rearranges his posture, rocks back. Back against a delicious hardness that makes his head spin. He whimpers.

Levi reclaims his mouth. His strong, rough fingers fist Eren's hair and trail across a section of his stomach.

Levi's kisses travel away, over Eren's chin and jaw to settle for a spot in his neck. His teeth graze over Eren's skin, find his pulse, scratch over it, followed by a hot, wet lick, Levi's hand pulling on his hair to expose more throat.

"Oh, fuck. Levi."

Another thrust of Levi's hips commences, the drawn-out grinding of their hips fusing blissful relief with agitating need. Eren is on fire, wants to conquer Levi as well, to please him in return, so he presses back, always back, quickening the rhythm of Levi's movements. Frantic, chaotic, rough. Hard.

Levi pulls away from his neck. "Eren. Yes!"

Eren wants it to last, but it's already over. Levi looks up at him with a hazy gaze, pushes their hips together once more, and Eren smiles, bursts, falls into grey, blackened eyes that pin him in place. He comes, shuddering and gasping, and one moment later Levi goes still in his arms, tightens his grip on him, right before twitching against Eren, silently, but holding their gaze so intensely that Eren wonders for a curious second if he could go again right away.

Beautiful, he thinks. My man.

My Levi.

They stand there like this for a while, pressed against each other, breathing hard. The dampness in his trousers spreads, but it doesn't bother Eren one bit. Levi has the same issue.

Levi's head sinks against Eren's chest, arms wrapping around Eren's waist to hold on tight. Closing his eyes, Eren nuzzles into Levi's hair to drag in the scent he's missed from this close for such a long time as he lets his own hands run over Levi's back and neck. Over cotton and silky stubbles. Over wonderful shoulders and shirt-covered muscles.

Levi is so strong within his arms. He's like a rock. His broad chest is melting against Eren's while powerful arms hold him firmly in place, flexing as they squeeze on a warm sigh against Eren's sternum.

Heart swelling behind his ribs, Eren inhales more Levi. Kisses the top of his head. Presses him closer in return.

Next to them, their dinner bubbles gently in its pan.

Eren is home.

Running his thumb over Levi's nape, he opens his eyes. The world still looks the same, and yet it's brighter somehow.

"So much for taking it slow," he says after a few moments have passed and the cooling wetness in his trousers starts to feel uncomfortable.

Levi chuckles against his chest before lifting his head and blinking up at him. "So much for being too old." He pulls a face, though the light in his eyes deprives the grimace of its purpose. "Can't believe I came in my pants."

Eren laughs and kisses Levi's temple. "You are wonderful."

"You are weird. What I am is sticky," Levi points out, his voice vibrating against Eren's ribs. "I need to take a shower now. Seems we both do."

"Hm. Then I'm coming with you," Eren says, bending down to kiss Levi's lips again. They open willingly as he meets them, letting him search for Levi's tongue, unhurried and languid now. His hands run through Levi's hair and over the small of his back. Spoiled pants or not, Eren wouldn't mind standing here enveloped by Levi like this all evening long.

When Levi disentangles from their warm embrace, Eren almost protests, but ends up grinning instead when he sees Levi's weak knees wobble.

"What do you think?" Levi asks, unbuttoning his shirt which, due to Eren's effort, is crumpled and loose in places where it shouldn't be. "Can you keep your hands to yourself?"

"Probably not," Eren admits, still grinning and not even thinking about averting his eyes. "Can you?"

Gaze roaming over Eren's frame, Levi smiles before he pulls their dinner off the stove. "Probably not. Let's give it a try anyway."

* * *

Eren doesn't keep his hands to himself.

It's hot and steamy under the shower, and slippery in a lot of interesting ways. It doesn't particularly help that Levi is naked and presses Eren against the cool tiles of the wall with a knowing smirk as he soaps Eren from head to toes.

It also doesn't particularly help that Levi's belly button is ticklish, or that his muscles are scattered with scars that beg to be stroked and kissed. Or that Levi smiles when Eren reaches for the soap to wash Levi in return, deciding to spend extra attention as Levi gasps at a massaging hand around his balls.

It's only when Eren is back at HQ, about to open the door to his quarters in the middle of the night, that he notices the second key next to his in his pockets. It's small, made of brass, and it matches the door to Levi's café.

Staring at it with a widening smile alongside a kick of his heart, Eren runs his thumb over the cool, shiny metal. He doesn't have a clue when Levi surreptitiously slipped it into his pocket, but he doesn't really need to know.

His pants are still saturated. His belly is filled with a wonderful meal and roasted chestnuts. His best friend's kisses taste like tea and flying. And for the first time in his life, Eren is utterly content with himself and the world.

He isn't alone anymore. He is half of two. The way he belongs.


	22. Chapter 22

**Nineteenth of December – A Marguerite**

Feeling a pleasant giddiness from the moment he wakes up on Monday, Eren strides into the mess hall for breakfast with a skipping step. He smiles at the memories of multiple lazy goodnight kisses against the door to Levi’s flat. More smiles follow the thought of the key found in his pocket. Eren still smiles when he joins his friends at their table, thinking about Levi’s heartbeat against his.

Mikasa's grey eyes find his, reminding him of Levi. The similarity makes him grin like an idiot. She lifts an eyebrow with a half-smile but doesn't comment any further beyond that, which makes Eren grin even wider.

Jean sighs and rolls his eyes over his porridge. "Fucking finally."

While Sasha and Connie bursts into a fit of laughter, Eren kicks Jean's leg under the table in revenge.

Jean only kicks back and sneers. “Still able to walk?”

Eren snorts. He can’t help it.

He is glad the first-years are demanding and keep him occupied for the day. Connie and he begin with general drills of running, weightlifting, followed by sit-ups to test their limits. It doesn't surprise Eren when the first groaned protests begin long before the sun has reached its zenith. They have yet to work on squats, lunges, or pull-ups.

Anna does well. Despite her quiet nature, she seems to have made friends with a boy who has wild, blond hair named Lennard. They sit together at lunch, rubbing their burning limbs. Opposed to most of their companions, they choose to cope with the sore muscles with quiet composure.

The afternoon passes with first theory lessons on weaponry which—after the straining morning drills—are welcomed with collective sighs of relief.

"I swear we weren't like this," Connie groans as they part for the day.

Eren only chuckles to himself. By now he has the feeling they all were. "No, of course not," he says with his most serious expression, though it’s more than hard to keep it up today. He can’t stop smiling. "Remember that crazy girl who ate a potato during Introduction rounds?"

Connie laughs before feigning indignation with folded arms. "Hey, don't talk about my wife like that. She's got a good taste. And as she said: If she would have waited, it would have gotten cold."

Eren grins. "Always looking for the good, simple things in life, huh?"

"Yeah." Connie shrugs. "Isn't that what it is all about?"

Eren thinks about Levi. About their unhurried kiss in his corridor when Eren left last night. Revisits Levi’s voice or his eyes when he laughs. Thinks about his expression when he takes the first sip of freshly brewed tea. Remembers the feeling of Levi soaping Eren's hair ever so gently under the shower, eyes fond and silvery, body pressing near.

"Yeah, it is," Eren says.

Connie sighs with a wide smile.

"So." Eren grins, nudging his elbow against Connie’s upper arm. "Wife, huh?"

Blushing fiercely, Connie punches him in the shoulder, but he laughs. "Shut up!"

* * *

Bookkeeping night is an experience all its own that day.

Eren's small pile of paperwork doesn't seem to make any sense whatsoever. After a while, he is tempted to just give up for the day. He swears the info sheets and checklists are getting dumber and more confusing with every month. Besides, it's far more interesting to watch Levi anyway.

He is back to his usual evening attire of rolled up sleeves and undone top button. His fringe falls over his brow as he writes in his ledger, surrounded by lists and books. The stone paperweight lays on a couple of bills again, adding contentment to Eren’s smile. Levi’s pen scribbles softly over the paper, his fingers bend and stretch with their movements, and from time to time the faint crease between his eyebrows deepens.

"Don't you have anything more interesting to look at?" His voice is mild, his eyes still focused on his work.

Eren shifts in his chair. "No," he admits, earning a soft sigh.

Levi’s frown deepens. "You've got an odd taste."

"I taste just fine, thank you," Eren mumbles, hears what he's saying, and flushes. "I mean…I…oh, fuck." Giving up, he sinks into his chair.

The corners of Levi's mouth twitch and his knee nudges against Eren's leg, where it stays. "Get back to work."

“Hey, Levi?”

“Hm.”

Eren scowls at the file in front of him. “Did the Capitol make a habit of sending updated or revised info sheets and checklists every month when you had to do paperwork?”

A smirk appears on Levi’s face. “Some months they read like an incoherent drunk typed them up.”

Eren snorts. Encouraged by the reassuring contact, and complete understanding on Levi’s expression, he tries again. A regulation sheet about running in the hallways.

Levi’s knee is knobbly, resting warmly against Eren’s calf through two layers of wool.

A ten-page long pamphlet about weapon oil brand changes which changes nothing but the brand which Eren is supposed to switch the cadets to when they receive the next delivery.

An order for gherkins with a twenty-page thick list of its ingredients, nutrition values, and further information.

Eren sighs and courses his fingers through his loosened hair. The Capitol’s staff are definitely getting dumber and dumber. Or, as Levi proposed, they are indeed typing the forms whilst stinking drunk.

Levi glances up from his ledger to peer at Eren's paperwork and frowns with a knowing in his eyes. "Gherkins?"

"Yup.” Eren nods. “They're fascinating, apparently. Or at least that's what it says on this sheet." He scowls at it.

The knee nudges against his. "I know,” Levi says. “They also make you bloat and fart. End of page nine as I recall."

Eren grins, looks it up, and laughs at the notes at the end of page nine before scribbling his signature to the end of the last page.

The lingering amusement casts out the irritation over gherkin ingredients and silly regulation sheets alike. So Eren refills their tea cups and tends back to his files with Levi’s knee still leaning against his leg in silent support. It feels pleasant, though admittedly a bit distracting too. Not that Eren minds getting distracted.

Eventually—finally—he has signed everything or added his own notes to the completed collection. The pile of achievement is embarrassing and rather small as he stacks everything together. It is not representing today’s effort in going through it. But all right.

Stretching with a yawn, he loosens the contact of their legs under the table and stands to refill the tea pot. It's not his night on tea duty, but Levi is still working, so Eren guesses he's got a free pass. There's still one more infusion of the Oolong left anyhow. All he has to do is boil some water.

As Eren refills their cups with the freshly brewed tea, Levi smiles with a thankful, absent-minded hum. Not wanting to disturb Levi’s immersed state, Eren decides to let him proceed in peace. He takes his cup, grabs his book, and moves over to the fireplace.

The corduroy chair is already warmed all the way through by the crackling fire, offering Eren a steadying embrace as he sinks into the padded cushions. He opens his book at the marked page and snuggles deeper into the seat. Accompanied by the quiet scratching sounds of a pen on paper, the dancing light from the flames in the hearth beside him, and an occasional sip of Oolong, he begins to read.

By the time Levi stands from the table, Eren has reached the middle of the novel. He closes it after bookmarking his progress.

“What are you reading?” Levi asks as Eren stretches the kinks out of his arms. He’s standing in front of a shelf nearby, storing away his ledger, the folders, his pen, and the ink jar. His shirt is riding up his back, revealing an enticing stripe of pale skin.

Attracted by the sight, Eren leaves his seat and approaches Levi to first run his fingertip over the enticing line, then let his hand slide under the soft fabric of Levi’s shirt and press near-close-wonderful-perfect against his back.

Levi stills completely at the contact, movements stopping in mid-air and almost convincing Eren he’s done something wrong. A moment later Levi relaxes and sinks against Eren’s chest. Letting Eren hug him from behind and plant a kiss in the crook of Levi’s neck while his hand explores warm muscles flexing under the smooth skin with each of Levi’s breaths.

Eren smiles as delicious goosebumps rise under his lips, and tries to catch each and every single one of them. Levi hums. Leans closer and melts into the embrace.

Rubbing his nose against Levi’s ear shell, Eren inhales soap, tea, and Levi. “It’s about a woman with a garden of flowers,” he answers, barely rocking Levi from side to side.

Levi is still resting against Eren’s chest, not making any effort whatsoever to leave this position any time soon. Instead, he tilts his head, wordlessly offering Eren his neck. How could Eren refuse?

“Is it good?” Levi asks as their gentle rocking back and forth slows to a standstill. His low voice is so close, the words coming from next to Eren’s ear and resonating against Eren’s body.

Eren hums in affirmation. Good, this is so good.

“Hm,” he says.

“Do you like flowers?” comes after a moment.

A bit startled by the question, Eren frowns with a shrug. “I guess.” He's never given them much thought if he’s honest. They're flowers and useful for medicine.

A memory flickers to life like a candle lit in the dark. Long forgotten and buried under rocks, blood, and tears of anger and horror.

What did Levi say? _“Remember how they lived. Not how they died.”_

Eren must have been eight that morning. Mikasa was already there, a silent shadow in their kitchen. Eren’s father came home from a double shift at the hospital, so exhausted he was close to collapsing right in the entrance. Eren’s Mum had taken one glance at him and hurried to the sink to fill him a glass of water. Instead of sitting down at the kitchen table, father reached into his doctor’s bag. He produced a single, elegant marguerite, and offered it to her as he hugged her from behind.

Eren remembers her mild laugh. He also remembers looking away with a grimace as they kissed, finding his parents’ behaviour dull and icky. Kisses were not one bit as appealing as playing soldier and explorer with Armin.

The image fades again, snuffed out like a light, but the memory is back.

“Mum used to like them,” Eren says, smiling at the refound treasure and grinning at his younger self, just a bit.

“There is a small patch of earth in the back.” Levi’s quiet voice is almost ponderous as his hand comes to a rest on Eren’s arm that’s wrapped around Levi’s waist. “We could plant some flowers there if you’d like.”

“Mh. That would be nice. I’ll help.” Intoxicated by the moment, Eren smiles, nuzzles into Levi’s neck, and explores the proffered sinews with a combination of soft kisses and a curious scraping of his teeth.

“You worked long today,” he states, knowing already they won’t play chess today.

“I did,” Levi agrees, his words trembling on his throat under Eren’s lips.

"Can I stay?" Eren asks.

Loosening the embrace after all, Levi answers by turning around in Eren’s arms and pulling him into their first kiss since they parted the night before.

It's testing this time. Slow, soft, exploring lips and tongues. Levi’s fingers slide over Eren’s hips directly over the hem of his trousers, making him shudder. Leaving his left hand on Levi’s midriff, Eren reaches for Levi’s free hand with his right, knuckles brushing over knuckles and fingers slipping between fingers.

"Of course you can stay," Levi says. "Shall we move over?"

Pecking the corner of Levi’s mouth, Eren squeezes his hand. "Yes."

For a small, hesitant moment, Eren feels intimidated and self-conscious as Levi closes the bedroom door. Then Levi looks up at him, and his doubts are all gone.

"Tell me when to stop," Levi says.

Eren nods, shuddering despite the warmth of the hearth from the other side of the wall. "It's okay."

They undress each other, holding each other's gaze when Levi unbuckles the straps of Eren's gear. They kiss again as Levi pushes the whole thing down Eren's hips while Eren blindly steps out of the remaining loops. Letting his hands glide over Levi's waist, Eren pulls the bottom of his white shirt out of his trousers. Once it’s freed, he eases the buttons out of their holes, one after another, until he can slip the soft fabric over Levi's broad shoulders and finally look at him.

Eren has already seen Levi naked. A few years ago when he didn't know what he was doing and yesterday under the shower too, but this is it. Eren can't look enough. As his hands wander over Levi's abdomen and chest, Eren feels for the powerful heartbeat under his palms and swallows when it speeds up.

Levi's skin is so pale. So much in contrast with Eren's own, tanned hands. Eren traces the lines and firm muscles that flush with delicious heat under his fingertips while Levi tugs at Eren's shirt to push it over his head before discarding it onto the floor without folding it first.

His cool, firm fingers are on Eren's stomach, sliding across his back. They stroke over his sides, making him shiver with their self-assured touch. It’s not enough, so Eren bends down, finds Levi's mouth with his, and begins a new exchange of tender, ever-deepening kisses.

Something nudges against the back of his legs. He gasps, realising Levi guided him backwards, and they've reached the bed.

“Okay?” Levi asks.

“Yes.” Gripping Levi by his slender hips, Eren pulls him down with him. He shuffles back, sensing the mattress below him dip under Levi’s additional weight when he crawls over Eren. Straddling his waist, Levi leans forward for another kiss. Eren smiles, hands searching, fastening around Levi's arse, and pressing their hips together as their tongues meet.

The deep chuckle into his mouth becomes a hiss as Eren rolls his hips upwards, grinding against Levi through too many layers of clothes. Levi’s hands let go of his waist to catch Eren’s wrists instead. They guide them upwards and fondly press them into the mattress above his head where slender fingers slip between his.

Pulse racing and heat prickling all over his body, Eren runs his thumbs over Levi's palms, squeezing their fingers together as he tries not to writhe. Levi's hands still have calluses, although not nearly as thick as they used to be. Eren feels their strength. Loves it. It is simmering underneath in contrariness with the decisive gentleness of Levi's hold. The touch makes Eren's cock hard, desperate for friction. He remains still though, savouring every moment, wanting Levi to do with him whatever he wishes.

Withdrawing from the intertwining of their fingers with a parting squeeze, Levi strokes over Eren’s arms, over his shoulders, his throat. Levi watches him intently, grey eyes blown-wide, hungry, adoring.  

Eren loses himself, groans, jerks his hips into the air whilst digging his now empty hands into the bed sheets. “Levi! Please…” He knows he’s begging, submitting even, yet Eren doesn't care one bit.

“Hm.” Levi’s lips press against his neck, find his pulse and brush over it, followed by an unhurried lick, wet and heated, a sharp scratch of teeth, and teasing puffs of cool air blowing over it.

“Oh!” Eren throws his head back with a groan. His hands shoot forward to leech on to Levi’s shoulder blades.

"So receptive." Levi’s voice is low and absorbed, warm breath caressing Eren’s damp skin, leaving it cold, yearning for more. “I will take you apart.”

"Yes," he moans, “oh, yes.” And then Levi is touching him everywhere.

His hair tickles Eren's neck, his collarbones, his shoulders, and his throat. Levi’s warm muscles flex beneath Eren’s hands. Making him want more, so much more, as every single nerve-ending in his body comes alive. Levi takes his time, trailing his kisses down Eren's chest, lips brushing, tongue licking, teeth scratching, nibbling, hands following.

Eren looks down at his black hair and pale hands. Looks as Levi’s strong, elegant fingers open the buttons of his trousers to pull them down. Watches as they wander over his thighs, his tightening balls, his twitching cock, and stares with a dropping jaw when he is taken into a hot, wet mouth that wraps around him, slippery, tight.

“Oh shit, oh shit, oh!” His voice breaks. All the while grey, blown-wide eyes stare back into his, and Eren arches, gasping towards the ceiling.

He is close to the edge already, so fucking close. He fists Levi’s hair, shuts his eyes in an attempt to delay it; but Levi hums, brushes his fingers over Eren's hipbones and the uncheckable flood of his orgasm crashes over him with a hoarse, high pitched sound breaking out of his throat.

Body jerking, he snaps his eyes open, only to see Levi is still looking at him, swallowing with a slight frown. Stunned, Eren can't tear his eyes away until he is empty, and the blood has stopped rushing through his ears.

When Levi lets him go, Eren brushes the fringe out of Levi's face with shaking fingers to see more of Levi’s flushed cheeks, his swollen mouth, and reddened lips. His eyes are bright and dark at the same time, a delightful bulge strains against the fabric of his too tight pants, and Levi smiles, turning his head to press a kiss onto Eren's inner wrist. "Not bad indeed."

Bursting into helpless laughter, Eren feels a new wave of warmth wash over him at Levi's smirk. "Come here." He sits up to pull Levi into another kiss. "My turn."


	23. Levi, Part 4

After emerging from the underground, the first few weeks beneath the sun had hurt.

Even on a cloudy day, the light was too bright. The sounds were too clear without the echoes trapped between cave walls. The colours too vibrant. The stars above too compelling. The grassy ground below too soft and yielding. There was too much to process at once. Too much to learn.

How to predict natural weather. Disciplining his body to stop jerking every time a breeze slithered across his skin. Learning how to conceal how scary nature was, with its dirt and its beauty, its bursting green life, its untameable wildness, raw sounds, and learning the secrets contained in the earth and sky.

Levi should have known being with Eren would feel similar.

His smile is like sunshine, even in the midst of winter. It makes Levi want to smile back and lose himself in it like he once did in flying. It’s dangerous.

Eren has always been overwhelming in everything he does. Yet as Levi meets Eren’s satisfied, content, and openly fond gaze, he realises for the first time he’s in far more trouble than he ever dreamed possible.

It begins easy. With a playful, sated laugh, and Eren pulling him into a kiss that tastes like sunshine too. It also tastes of too much emotion. Just like Eren himself.

It's exactly like Levi always imagined, remembered, and yet nothing at all similar.

It's the same because Eren doesn't do anything half-heartedly. He kisses with everything he has: lips, teeth, tongue, hands, voice—his whole body pushing against Levi’s as though wanting to merge with Levi’s skin. It's the same because it's sweet and kind. Big, green eyes staring so deep into Levi’s own as if Levi was everything that matters. As if Eren wanted to live inside of him and invite Levi in in return.

It's the same because Eren fights even now, nails scratching, teeth biting, throat growling, whimpering, begging. Mumbling an endless litany of “Levi, Levi, Levi,” into his mouth. Fingers tearing, pulling on Levi’s arms and ribs, blunt nails scratching as though they were searching for another layer of clothes to peel off.

It's not the same because it's every sensory level at once. It's not the same because Eren seems to completely melt under Levi’s touches.

It's not the same because everything is oh so very real.

All of that shoots through Levi's head as Eren sits up with that bright chuckle to roll them over. Being pressed into the mattress this way, every single muscle inside of Levi tenses up for a moment, instinct kicking in to warn him not to let himself get defeated. Despite fantasizing about being held by Eren for years, another flash of alarm shoots up his spine. The same alert he felt in the living room when Eren hugged him from behind.

Once again, Eren pauses, gives him time, runs gentle fingertips over Levi’s brow with an observant frown. Levi lets it happen, wrapping his arms around Eren to hold on to Eren’s muscular waist. Eren’s hot skin is damp with sweat, his cheeks pink, his eyes half-lidded, his gaze warm.

“Tell me when to stop?” Eren repeats Levi's own request from before.

All Levi can do is nod as Eren leans back, bringing his torso out of Levi’s reach. Skating his hands down to Eren’s legs instead, Levi glances up to find Eren looking back.

He slides his index finger over Levi’s lower stomach to trace the hem of the fabric. “You’re still wearing your pants.” Eren’s frisky smile reflects in his voice, stirring something deep inside Levi’s guts.

“I am,” Levi says, holding onto Eren’s thighs. Needy for contact, his thumbs brush over the coarse hairs there, sensing strong, lean muscles ripple underneath.

Green eyes sparkle while Eren catches his own bottom lip between his teeth. “Aren’t clothes silly?”

Lost for words, Levi only hums. He doesn’t know what to do. He knows how it’s done. Of course, he does. Still, this situation makes him hyper-aware of where his hands are placed. Of how loud his quickening breath sounds. Of how his nipples harden under Eren’s light touch and lustful sight. The coolness of the night wafting over his skin wherever Erens touch leaves him. He’s aware of how bare he is, scars, calluses, bruises and all, even with half his clothes still on. Of how Eren crouches over him, stark naked, beautiful, young. Still very much interested. He hasn’t even softened after his orgasm.

Levi can still taste him.

Bending down to press his nose against Levi’s belly, Eren inhales deeply while his fingers slip under Levi’s waistband, searching for buttons to flip open. He holds Levi’s gaze as he undresses him fully, hands wandering over thighs, knees and shins, over ankles, feet, and toes. Levi winces when the gentle palms stroke over his foot, over-stimulated.

Then Eren’s eyes trail away from Levi’s face, roam downwards. His smile is so wide that Levi takes a look too before searching Eren’s gaze.

“What?” he demands.

Instead of giving an answer, or beginning the attack Levi half-expected, Eren gives a wry dimpled smile that is so Eren, and yet not Eren. Levi finds himself caught within the moment. Meanwhile, Eren crawls up the bed to bend forward again.

“Hi,” he says.

Levi stares back. Swallows. “‘lo.”

Eren’s untied hair tickles Levi’s cheeks, falling over Eren’s brow, concealing his eyes. Levi reaches up to let his slightly shaky fingers catch a soft, wild strand and tuck it behind Eren’s ear while Eren rests down on his elbows as he begins to explore Levi’s face.

Eren’s fingertips run over Levi’s forehead, over his eyebrows, his temples, his cheekbones. His jaw, his nose, his chin, and Levi’s lips until everything tingles with a tender ache. The digits’ trail is followed by Eren’s lips, leaving damp, cooling traces. When they place feathery kisses on his eyelids, Levi can’t stand it anymore.

“What are you doing?” he asks. Despite all efforts to sound in control, his voice is raspy and weak.

“Finding out how you taste like,” Eren mumbles. “Everywhere.”

Needing to see Eren’s face, Levi opens his eyes again. A big mistake.

Eren is so close their noses nearly touch, looking back. A stream of emotions pours out of Eren’s eyes and down into his own, pinning Levi into place.

It’s with a sudden kick of his heart, that Levi realises Eren, unleashed, happy, and focused on him alone, is a force he should have prepared himself better to handle. It is one thing to be met with Eren's gaze during the day. It is one thing to look into Eren's expressive eyes whilst kissing him, taking care of him, or sending him over the top. It's all right to be the centre of Eren's attention whenever Eren needs something.

Now that Eren is completely saturated, however, there’s nothing keeping him from looking at Levi with everything he has inside on full display. Feelings built up over fuck Levi knows for how long accumulating in one single, lingering, and intense glance.

Eren’s gaze isn't a smouldering one. It’s not even a truly sexual one. Instead, it is filled with honest curiosity and affection. A gaze pleading _“show me who you really are,”_ and _“let’s find the moon together,”_ plus something else, something bright, deep, and earnest that scares the infinite shit out of Levi.

He is used to all kinds of emotions directed at him. He’s used to people colliding with his mental guards and backing off.

Eren, however…Eren looks down at him with wide, gorgeous eyes, uncharacteristically calm, and slips so easily through every single one of Levi's barriers that Levi feels his soul’s been stripped naked. Worse even; he feels exposed.

Levi’s face flushes in an instant. His skin burns from chest to cheeks. His heart pounds in a frenzy. His rushing blood roars in his ears. The air is turning too thin.

He feels ugly under this devoted gaze. Ugly and alone in a dark corner, crouched together against a wall, ten years old again. He also feels wonderful, because Eren doesn't look away and still smiles. How can Eren still smile?

“Levi.” Eren’s voice fans over Levi’s face, sounding like a promise. Like a secret, a wish. Or like a prayer Levi has no answer to.

In his urge to redirect, Levi tries to pull Eren close, to kiss him again. Everything would be so much more endurable than this overpowering intimacy. Eren resists though, only lowers his head enough to let his brow rest against Levi’s. Eyelashes flutter over Levi’s as Eren blinks, but Eren’s mouth remains out of reach while Eren maintains eye contact.

To Levi’s horror, the warm gaze softens further to settle on his skin like rain and sun alike. The intensity is painful, yet Eren looks even deeper. The knuckle searching for Levi’s hand is gentle and so careful as if Eren held someone precious. Too much.

Levi’s heart bursts. Panic flares to life with a piercing twist, making Levi’s skin ache within a second. He can’t breathe anymore. He is trapped.

“Stop,” he croaks, hands lashing out and pushing Eren away to gain space. His nerves seem to scream. “Stop!”

Eren flinches back, sits up in an instant, expression puzzled, hands lifted, eyes big. “Did I hurt–”

“No.” Levi shakes his head, throwing an arm over his face. “No, no, no.” His insides cringe, and he curses himself for the sudden burning sensation in his eyes as scalding tears flood his throat.

“Levi?” Eren’s voice his filled with concern. Gentle fingers try to nudge Levi’s arms aside, though stop when Levi doesn’t relent. “Tell me what is wrong.”

“Fuck.” Levi is not going to bloody cry! No. He’s stronger than this, he is, but everything he’s seen in Eren’s eyes is overpowering.

He wants to roll up and hide. He wants to crawl under the blanket, or under the bed. Best of all would be to crawl into Eren himself to always be near his heart. Levi can’t. Despite his initial arousal when they stepped into this room, the past months and years are coming back in a rush. Even here, even when they are like this. But then again, maybe that’s the true reason why he’s feeling so raw.

He remembers the horrors of the fog followed by Eren leaving that night. Yet another leaving as Eren disappeared along the horizon. Levi remembers sitting in the tub the night he moved into this house, forcefully scrubbing his arms and not achieving any change in how much he was hurting all over.

He remembers choosing chairs and fabric samples for downstairs, desperately trying not to think of green-green-green, gentle hands, and a smile so warm. He remembers the wish to tear his skin off so he wouldn’t feel this pain of loss anymore. He remembers buying this stupid bed that’s too fucking big for him alone, then seeing it up here for the first time, feeling so small—and he can’t let Eren see any of it. He can’t!

“Please, tell me what I did.” Eren’s worry cuts through his own. “Is this because I was stupid again?”

Shit.

Levi sobs.

Eren makes a pained sound, pauses. “Should I go?”

“No!” The cry is out before Levi can soften it while his free hand snaps forward to clasp Eren’s wrist.

He doesn't even care about how desperate he sounds at this moment. The linens feel wrong against his back. His own agitated breaths fill the room. He can taste Eren’s growing uneasiness in the stretching silence, can feel it in the stuttering pulse against his fingers.

It finally gives Levi the words to answer. “Give me a moment.”

“Of course.” Eren settles back on Levi’s legs, extricating his wrist from Levi’s death grip so he can hold Levi’s hand with his own in a much gentler squeeze.

Relishing in the fingers wrapping around his and holding on tight, Levi drags in a deep, unsteady breath. Then another one.

He never wanted anyone to see him like this. This weak, wounded, and vulnerable. He’s striven to eradicate this side of him since he can think. Never has he ever wanted to feel for anybody like this to begin with. Always the exception, Eren tore down Levi’s resistance and made himself a home in Levi’s scarred heart.

After all this time, Eren is actually here, holding Levi’s hand, and waiting for him. It’s something so new that Levi doesn’t know what to do with the reality of it. He isn’t used to being loved. To being wanted without reservations and conditions. To being cared for to such an extent as he sees in Eren’s gaze. Sure, he’s got Hanji keeping an eye on him. However, there are things within Levi she cannot see or touch. Eren can. He always could.

Eren knows him well enough to not come closer when he needs space. Knows Levi well enough to stay right within easy reach, offering reassuring body contact, yet not so close he cannot give Levi space to breathe through his panic. He also knows Levi well enough to start humming softly, not words, no meaningless assurances, simply letting Levi hear and feel his voice.

Levi lowers his arm and searches for Eren’s eyes. The hand around his own squeezes in silent encouragement.

Eren stops humming. “Better?”

He’s so fucking beautiful.

“Overwhelmed,” Levi admits with a tension-releasing snort.

“Oh.” The shadows on Eren’s face lift slightly. “We don’t have to continue if you don’t want to.” His thumb runs over Levi’s knuckles.

“No.” Sitting up, Levi grasps Eren by his neck again to kiss him. He needs Eren to know he is wanted here, needed. Maybe Levi can’t stand deeper intimacy right now, but he can stand this, and the both of them. More than.

So he kisses Eren, lets his hands card into the brown slightly curly strands and pulls Eren closer, explores his mouth like he didn’t dare let himself dream of for too long. Eren sighs, relaxes against Levi, and kisses back, with smiles and teeth and tongue and everything he is, as his big hands caress Levi’s back with warm, soothing strokes.

By the time their kisses have gotten breathy and deep, Levi is back to being hard, and Eren is too. Good.

“There’s oil,” Levi says, pulling away. “In the drawer.”

Eren looks at him with a mild protest in questioning eyes. “But it’s my turn. I want to take care of you now.”

“Yes,” Levi says in an attempt to express himself. As always, the words fail him, remain stuck in his throat, and leave him silent. Yet this is Eren, and maybe he understands the unuttered _“Fuck me! Need you,”_ even like this.

He does. Green eyes widen, then blacken as his pupils blow wide with desire. Eren darts for Levi’s mouth again, while his right hand fumbles with Levi’s drawer, knocking things over in his blind search. Eren seems to understand everything else too since teeth find Levi’s earlobe and nibble shortly with a puff of air.

“Close your eyes,” Eren whispers, and Levi shudders. “Feel.”

It’s frightening. And it’s brilliant. Eren helps, places quiet mumbles onto Levi’s skin, nudges his legs apart, and varies between easing Levi open and licking, teasing, sucking on his cock and balls until every last worry slips out of Levi’s mind.

“I’ll take good care of you.” Eren’s fingers are careful, yet not too much, as they enter Levi over and over again, feeling, bending, stretching, searching. Finding.

Levi’s eyes fly open with a gasp he cannot hold back.  

Eren smiles and leans forward to kiss him, sloppy, greedy, and deep, understanding the hint when Levi brushes over his wrist. He pulls back his hand, looks at Levi, and then grips his hips to roll them over so Levi is on top once more. Strong, kind fingers guide them into the right position, and by the time Levi has sunk down, Eren is a shuddering, moaning mess that has Levi back to smiling with fond amusement.

“Shit, oh shit! You feel so good.” Eren looks right at him, holds Levi impossibly close, and beams as his hands lift Levi as if he weighed nothing. Eren’s hips start to move. His eyes flutter shut, his head falls back, exposing the vulnerable skin under his jaw. “Oh!”

Refusing to whimper, Levi leans forward to crush their mouths back together. Of course, it doesn’t stop Eren.

“You’re so good to me,” feathers against Levi’s lips.

“Eren,” he begins.

“Yes. Want to make you feel good. So good. Fuck, you feel so good,” he rambles.

A shiver runs down Levi’s arms. He has to hide his face against Eren’s shoulder as the world narrows down to the two of them. His cheeks burn, his heart pounds incredible amounts of blood through his veins, that makes him almost wonder how the fuck it can do this. It’s like his body is about to dissolve from the inside out, winding tight and yet turning fuzzy around his edges until nothing will be left. Heat coils deep inside and rises up in his chest, streams all the way into his fingertips, up his spine, and into his neck, and then:

“You like me talking. Don’t you?”

“Eren,” Levi says with a sharp exhale. He wants to add more, but Eren already glows.

Levi can sense it, like a shift in the air, like sunshine on his skin, or soothing rain on his arms after a hot summer’s day. Eren makes him feel everything at once. Despite the fright, or perhaps because of it, Levi has never felt this alive.

“You do.” Eren’s voice is filled with awe, his hands hold on tighter. A delighted little sound escapes him, envelops Levi from all around, from next to his ear and as the vibration against his chest, shaking against him with an overjoyed chuckle. “You really do.”

Levi grits his teeth, torn between urging him to continue speaking, or making him stop. Eren has always been disturbingly perceptive when he wants to be, and Eren’s blatant elation might be more than Levi thinks he can bear.

“Is it my voice?” Eren asks. “Or what I said about you feeling good?” His lips brush against Levi’s ear again, his stubbly chin scrapes over Levi’s neck, and when Eren talks with another upwards push of his hips, his words are like silk. “You are amazing.” Another push. “You are so kind.”

Goosebumps prickle down Levi’s spine, make him shiver again and whimper as his sweaty fingers slip over Eren’s shoulders in an attempt to find hold without wanting to scratch. “Fuck.”

“Shh, I’ve got you.” Not interrupting their pace, Eren runs his hands possessively over the small of Levi’s back before taking hold of his arse. “Got you. Look at me.”

Pressing his flushed face closer against Eren’s shoulder, Levi shakes his head, his nose rubbing against Eren's collarbones, his eyes closed against the crook of Eren’s neck. The air is like a cold shock against Levi’s heated, sweat-damp back. The underside of his cock glides over Eren’s flat stomach in slippery, slick slides, and Levi bites on his lip at the over-stimulation, not wanting it to end just yet. He stifles a wheeze when Eren enters him again, over and over. Hard, demanding, thrilling. Unerring.

Eren’s fingers dive into Levi’s hair, hold his neck while the other hand digs fingernails into Levi’s hips. “Levi, please. Let me kiss you at least. I want to know when I find it. I want to make you come.”

Levi surprises himself with an unrestrained chuckle, and blinks into stunned eyes after all. “Already found it.”

“Oh?” Eren’s face lightens up. He pushes in with a glorious snap of his hips that makes Levi hiss. “There?” Eren grins shakily, gaze hazy, breaths heavy.

Levi smirks back. His body is full, full of Eren, and the pleasant ache tensing in the pit of his stomach and his balls tells him he’s nearly there already. He wants Eren there first, though, and with not much other options, Levi assaults Eren’s neck.

Eren’s hips stutter in their movement, his hands grip on tight, so wonderfully tight, and the terrific wrangled sound that escapes Eren is sending Levi right to the edge. “Fuck, Levi, no…I’ll,”

“Yes,” Levi says, sucks on Eren’s neck, and pushes all the way down until Eren is right where Levi needs him to be. “Now.”

Heat, flaring heat is everywhere. Eren groans, cries out. Levi can feel him pumping, pressing over that spot inside of him, and as he stares into Eren’s unfocused eyes, he lets himself go too. He bursts with a choked gasp, falling into muscular arms holding him close and into an embrace so strong and safe.

He falls, and falls, is caught, steadied and secured. Warm.

What follows is peace.

Eren’s heart hammers against his own.

Fingers draw gentle, yet possessive lines on his nape and on the small of his back. Soft lips mumble his name into his hair. They’re both sweaty and sticky. Levi’s arse burns, making him smile in contentment as he sinks against Eren in a boneless embrace.

Eren smells wonderful; he is like sunshine.

Levi closes his eyes. He wants to stay like this forever.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I'm so thrilled! The amazing [attraversiamo19](https://archiveofourown.org/users/attraversiamo19/pseuds/attraversiamo19) is recording the prequel of this story, Nuthatch, into a podfic and has started to upload it on AO3. Please check it out [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13550094) and shower her with love and some feedback for her amazing work. Thank you so much! <3

**Twentieth of December – A Pair of Wings**

As he wakes up next to Levi, Eren decides this is his favourite time of the day.

It means opening his eyes Levi's bed hair, and feeling Levi’s fingers brush through his tousled strands. Sleep-warmed skin sliding against sleep-warmed skin. Lazy kisses and drowsy whispers under the sheets.

It doesn't matter that it's in the middle of the night and long before either of them has to get up. Eren has known about Levi's problems with sleep plus has his own share of insomnia moments.

He's long known about Levi's habit of sleeping with a knife nearby too. He still sleeps with it under his pillow, pulling it with a startled awakening in a quick, swift motion. Eren has seen it happen too many times to be fazed by it. He is, however, incapable of holding back the satisfied grin over the wince in the familiar movement. 

“Sorry,” Levi says, frown deep and concerned as he folds the knife to hide it back under his pillow.

Eren’s arms feel empty like this. It seems like a waste. So he takes Levi’s hand to pull him back into his embrace. “It’s okay.”

Levi is warm against his chest, smelling like the essence of him. Eren snuggles even closer with a pleased sigh as delicate fingers explore his chest in tiny circles and lines, right before something icy against his legs makes Eren jump. 

“Your feet are freezing,” he states the obvious.

“Hm. They always are.” Levi shifts his legs away.

“No,” Eren says. “I didn’t mean it like that. Give them back.”

Levi stills for a moment, but then scuttles closer, legs wrapping around Eren’s, and his feet searching for much-needed heat. 

Eren hums, kissing the top of Levi’s head resting on his chest. “They weren't cold last night,” he says.

“I was distracted,” Levi points out. 

Eren chuckles. “We were.”

It’s odd to share a bed with someone. After stripping it of its spoiled sheets earlier this night and cleaning themselves, they fell right into it again. Both of them tired and exhausted in all the best ways. Levi almost immediately fell asleep, while Eren listened to his even breathing before slipping away as well. Now, however, after a few hours of rest, the significant shift in their relationship begins sinking in. 

It's been long since Eren shared a bed with someone. Back when he was little, he shared a bed with Mikasa. Hers never arrived because of the war. Later, in the ghettos of Wall Rose, there was neither enough time, nor space, to complain about sharing a pallet on the ground. Never mind getting a real bed as a group of three. During the first days of Training Corps, it felt odd to have a whole mattress to himself again. Yet years have passed since then. A whole decade where sharing a bed for warmth is far different from sharing a bed with someone you want share your life with. 

Eren wants to have Levi this near, wants to inhale his scent as he sleeps, and guard his dreams. What doesn’t change the fact that this is completely unfamiliar. 

Playing footsie like this means lots of bony ankles pressing together, and Levi’s frame is anything but soft. Levi’s hair tickles Eren’s nose, body hair suddenly seems to be an odd concept too. Going by Levi’s wriggling, one of his arms seems to be in the way. As much as Eren loves lying here like they do, their cuddling isn’t really a sleeping position. 

Levi seems to think so too. “Fucking arm,” he mutters. 

“We could try another way,” Eren suggests. 

Turning around, Levi offers his back. Eren accepts. 

It’s better like this. With Levi’s neck under Eren’s nose, his whole spine pressing against Eren’s front, his arse against Eren’s lap. It’s nice. Very nice. 

Oh. 

Levi wheezes a silent snort. 

“Ignore it,” Eren says, rearranging himself for better comfort whilst enveloping Levi within his arms to rest one hand on Levi’s heart. 

“Uh-huh.” One second later, Eren is flat on his back, air pushed out of his lungs, as Levi’s mouth does sinful things to his neck. 

Nerves alight, Eren groans. “Oh, fuck!” Levi’s fingers come to a rest on his throat, tenderly feeling for his voice as teeth graze over his pulse. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

Levi hums against his skin, a moment before he presses down hot and slow against Eren’s fast-hardening cock. 

“Yes.” So much better than ignoring it shoots through Eren’s head with a shiver as he scrabbles at Levi’s arse. “Oh, god, yes. Please!”

* * *

Afterwards, Levi crawls back into Eren’s arms, his icy feet coming to a rest against Eren’s lower shins. “You are loud.”

“Mm. You are good. I don’t think I can go for a fourth time, though.” Eren closes his eyes again, thinking about nothing but drowsy heaviness and Levi’s strength. Levi’s breath puffs against his forearm with a chuckle, and he feels the heartfelt wish to do this every night from now on. All of it.

"I can't go back to sleep," Levi says after a while.

Opening his eyes, Eren grins, not sure if he dozed off or not. “Why, did I break you?”

“You wish,” Levi grumbles, but the unconcealed smile in his voice defies the remark’s implied venom.

Eren chuckles, running his fingers over Levi’s side. "Mm,” he says. “Tea?"

Turning around, Levi kisses his jaw. "I'll boil some water."

Nighttime tea is delicious. Tangled feet and chamomile flavoured ease. When they go back to bed Eren hugs Levi against his chest once more, making himself familiar with Levi’s breathing until he drifts off again.

A simple breakfast together is delightful. Tea and porridge shared with stealthy smiles over newspaper halves.

With these memories in mind, Eren’s day rushes by. Morning training means another session of muscle formation drills for the first years. The protesting moaning due to sore muscles is enormous, hence relief is omnipresent when Eren concludes the session by showing them Selma. 

As he explains to them how Harold has found Selma in the outskirts of the town, and what they did to heal her wing, Anna smiles at him. After having spent one whole day around the girl during training, Eren can return her smile without the heavy knot plaguing his guts. She might resemble Petra a lot, but she's her own person. She is calmer, less chatty, and her smile, though it's just as genuine as Eren remembers from her sister, surfaces not quite so fast or easy.

Lennard is standing next to her while they listen to Eren explaining animal care. He shows them the bandaging tape and Jean's sketch, so Selma can stay in her cage.

In comparison to Harold and his friends, the enthusiasm in this class is subdued. Eren finds it fascinating to witness how two different groups react to a similar situation. They show interest and concern for the formerly broken wing, and some even take notes. Still, open fondness and uttered worries for the bird’s overall health fail to appear in this group. All the while Selma watches them from between the bars of her portable home with curious, blinking, black eyes whilst uttering a few cautious chirps.

Things are completely different in the afternoon when Eren is back in the classroom with his First Trainee Corps. The birdcage stands on the teacher's desk, and the teenagers surround him with expectant gazes. Harold is the bounciest of them all, beaming next to Rita and Mia. The girls grin at Eren in anticipation.

Eren grins at them. It has been only half a week since he's last held classes for them. Yet he missed each and every one of them. He missed Mia's earnest quietness and Rita's boldness. Derek's skills with the gear and Percy's constant questions. Harold. Especially Harold. In only two years, Eren will have to let them go completely, but not today. Looking at them all, Eren decides to ask Sasha about switching teams on Thursday or Friday each week after they do balance testing for their gear. She has to get to know and train the other Trainees also.

"All right folks," Eren says. "Let's give Selma back her wing, shall we?"

They all nod, remaining silent considering their usual liveliness.

"Would you want to remove the tape, Harold?" he asks.

"If that's all right." Harold’s eyes shine with determination.

"Of course." Eren smiles. "Should I hold her again?"

Harold nods. "Yes, Sir. Please."

It doesn't escape Eren’s notice that Selma is less reluctant to be held than two weeks ago. Probably the time amongst people combined with Harold’s careful care has gotten her used to humans. At least Harold has gotten her used to them enough that she isn't as frightened anymore. Going by her twittered protests, she still doesn't particularly like to be held, but it's easier to catch her, and she struggles less.

This time Harold's fingers are warm as they set to work. He even looks relaxed. Soon the last strip of the bandage is lifted from Selma’s feathers, leaving them a bit ruffled, but seemingly intact. 

"Does the wing look good?" Percy whispers while Harold strokes Selma's head with one single finger. The whole class is so full of suspense that it tingles on Eren’s arms.

Selma chirps.

"We'll have to see," Eren says. "There isn't any other way than to let her try using it and observe how it goes. Would you like to do the honours, Harold?" He offers her for Harold to take over, but Harold shakes his head. 

"No, you can do it, Sir," he answers with a smile.

"Okay." Eren smiles back. "Then make some room for her again. I'll put her on the floor."

Just as two weeks ago they settle down in a loose circle, some of them in a tailor seat, others commandeering chairs. Cradling the bird, Eren crouches down to place Selma into their midst. She moves her head with blinking eyes, hopping around.

"She walks funnily," Mia says, a frown knitting her brows.

"She has to get used to her second wing again," Harold says. 

Eren observes him closer as Selma chirps again, flapping both her wings on a hesitant flutter. 

Despite having been one and a half days, the drills with Sasha seem to do Harold some good. Perhaps taking care of Selma, or something that happened during the past week helped too. Whatever the reason may be, somehow Harold appears more confident than the last time they sat here. Less anxious. He's also got a fresh bump on his forehead.

A pointed finger, coming from his right, pokes Eren's upper arm, snapping him out of his thoughts. Unable to hide a grin, Eren turns. "Yes, Rita?"

"You're smiling more often today," she says point-blank, leant forward. "Did something good happen?"

Eren remembers their evening together, remembers nighttime tea. Waking up to Levi's scent at the break of dawn and kissing his hand. Feeling fingers trace his own eyebrows and grey, sleep-heavy eyes looking into his, completely unguarded, showing hesitant awe. 

He remembers watching each other getting dressed. Having breakfast together with their feet touching. Kissing goodbye for the day.

"Maybe," he answers, trying to stay serious. However, he his smile widens in spite of all attempts to mask it as Rita grins back.

"Good. You've been looking kind of sad sometimes. I'm happy you're not anymore."

Her tone is so matter-of-fact, that Eren lifts an eyebrow. 

“How was tea last night?” she prods. Zealous determination is written across her face, while her eyes sparkle with mischief. “Tasty? I also heard you ordered a chair.”

Of course, she did. She must have been at home to visit her parents this weekend. 

"Rita?" Eren says, sensing the curious gazes of the entire Trainee Corps on him. The only one not the least interested in his reply is Selma, who flutters in some kind of shaking motion. 

"Yes." Rita stretches the word as she leans closer. 

"Where did Harold get that bump from?" Eren deflects, returning her impish grin. He knows Harold won't mind the question. He can hear him giggle already.

A snort escapes her. "He fell out of bed." She stage-whispers loud enough that everyone can hear her. "But shh! Don't tell him I told you."

"I heard that, Rita," Harold sighs, but he chuckles nonetheless. 

Rita replies by poking her tongue out at her friend.

"You really fell out of your bed?" Eren asks Harold, curious.

"Yes." He shrugs his shoulders. "It's fine, though. I cooled it right away, so it will be okay. I've had worse."

"I guess you have," Eren agrees.

Selma is trying out her wings again, flapping. This time she manages to float up into the air for a few seconds. Eren holds his breath at the disoriented movement, only letting it go again when Selma lands. 

"Will we have lessons with you again, soon, Sir?" Derek asks. "It's not that Instructor Sasha isn't cool or anything," he adds. "But it's odd not seeing you every day."

A couple of Trainees nod their agreement. Yes, Eren must admit, he truly misses them too.

"I think you will," he says and earns a round of cheers. 

The gratitude is forgotten with a wave of gasps as Selma lifts up from the floor with a powerful flap or her wings, flies…

…higher…

…and higher…

…and lands on a table nearby with a few last flutters accompanied by another cheerful chirp.

Surrounded by exulting second years, Eren beams. He'll have some good news for Levi tonight.

* * *

In the end, however, he isn't the first to tell Levi the news.

After dropping off his gear, Eren goes through one single piece of paperwork, locks his quarters, and hurries over to the café. He’s later than usual today. The sheet on new boot linings, which looked like it'd be done within a few harmless minutes, actually took an agonising half an hour. Hence by the time he arrives at the Sparrow, he’s barely punctual for closing. Plus there are three customers left. 

Harold, Mia, and Rita sit at the counter, all with cake loaded plates and steaming cup set before them. They are chattering to Levi with palpable excitement, hands gesturing, and voices cheerful. All four of them look at Eren as he steps in. Three pairs of beaming eyes, one pair solemn, steady, and filled with warmth. 

"Hello," he greets them with a grin.

"Hello Sir," returns threefold from the counter.

Levi remains silent but smiles at the tea pot in front of him, which he now lifts. He fills Eren a cup, placing it on the counter next to Rita's without comment.

"We were just telling Captain Levi about Selma, Sir," Harold explains. "He says, he's happy she can fly again."

"I bet he is." Eren smiles and regards Levi with a brief assessing look to determine if he had a good day. 

It looks like it. Levi’s eyes are bright with fond amusement while the faintest of smiles lingers around his lips. He even appears less tired than usual, despite their nighttime tea. The grey of his eyes is clearer, the bruises around them are less shadowed. Better yet, a certain exhaustion is lacking in the line of his shoulders, making him look almost youthful. 

Something swells in Eren’s chest at this thought. He’ll make sure Levi gets plenty of sleep from now on. "Could I have a piece of cake, please?" he asks. 

"You're lucky. I've still got apple, apple, and apple." Levi regards the three remaining pieces of tart in the cake display with a frown that Eren recognises as apologetic. 

He makes a small brushing gesture over the countertop with his hand in an unspoken  _ “it’s all right,”  _ before fastening his hand on the smooth, heated china of his cup. Levi poured him Gunpowder again. 

"We took the last piece of cardamom cake," Rita explains. "Sorry. It’s too good though."

"No worries, Rita,” Eren replies before he turns back to Levi. “Apple is good. Thank you."

"Clotted cream?" Levi asks.

Eren grins. "Yes, please."

"Instructor Eren, Sir," Mia says while Levi busies himself with preparing Eren’s plate. "Captain Levi says you were very brave during the war."

Feeling a bit uncomfortable at the compliment, Eren sips his tea. "Did he?" he asks. As far as he can remember, he's always been the one getting in trouble for not being in control of his Titan. Or getting kidnapped. Or both.

"Yes.” Mia’s nod is eager. “He says you always protected your friends."

"Well, my friends have been protecting me too," Eren says, shifting his position on the chair. If it weren’t for Armin and Mikasa, he’d never have made it to Trainee Corps. "It's what friends are for."

Harold, Mia, and Rita nod, expressions earnest.

"I hear you're having lessons with Instructor Sasha," Levi says to them, handing Eren his pastry. "Do you like it?"

Grateful for the change of topic, Eren shoots him a quick glance and says “thank you,” for the cake. 

"Yes," Harold says. "She’s fun! She really likes food."

Levi smiles into his cup of tea. 

Eren grins. “Yes, she does. Always has.”

"We miss Instructor Eren, though," Rita adds.

In a reply, Eren boxes her shoulder. She grins with sparkling eyes and boxes him back before her glance turns curious.

“My cousin missed you on Friday,” she says, boldness gleaming in her eyes. “Were you not here?”

Eren is about to answer when he catches Levi hinting a shake of his head. So he hasn't told Val about Eren being upstairs in Levi’s flat, nursing an old pain. “I was here. But I must have missed him,” he evades and counters. “Where were you on Friday night?” 

Rita’s face goes from carefree, to flattering whilst guilty that Eren snorts before she even opened her mouth. “I was a good, dutiful Trainee and fast asleep at ten?” she tries with a hopeful, chirping undertone. 

Eren doesn’t need the slight ducking of her head to not buy it one bit. “Did you get caught?”

"What do you think?” she challenges, eyebrows lifted, lips curling. 

Eren considers it for a moment. “Do I want to know?” he asks.

“Just between you and me? You seriously don’t,” Rita says with widened eyes. The grave nod she gives Eren only convinces him the nighttime activity of hers, though harmless, could give her detention for an impressive time. It doesn’t help her case that Harold blushes, and Mia is a bit too interested in her coffee. 

There’s a mirthful snort coming from Eren’s left, and catching Levi’s gleaming eyes, Eren decides that no, he does not want to know what these three are up to once set loose. He'll have to talk to Sasha and Connie, though, and keep an eye open. 

Taking a sip of his tea, he lets Rita off the hook. “How was your morning with Sasha?” 

She grins. “It was good.” 

Eren nods, sticking a piece of apple tart with clotted cream into his mouth and suppressing a delighted sigh at the heavenly flavour. Norman did well again. 

“You had cartography this week too?” Eren asks. 

“Yes.” Harold beams. “I talked with Una about the notes your friend wrote, and she even gave me her compass. Look!” He opens the left chest pocket of his jacket to produce a compass Eren has seen far too often for the duration of nine too long months. “She’s so great!”

Eren can’t help but return the smile. “She really is, huh?”

Harold’s eyes sparkle. “She told me she had it with her when you all were at the sea.” He glances up at the drawing on the wall behind Levi’s counter and sighs. “I so much hope I will see it too one day.”

“I'm sure you will.” Eren is sure of it. Harold is strong. With his friends at his side, he'll manage everything he sets his mind to accomplishing. 

“You won't leave anymore though, will you?” 

“No, Harold.” Eren has to fight back a mild chuckle at the disappointed nod Harold offers him.

“You've got us, mate.” Rita wraps her arm around her friend’s shoulder whilst winking at Levi. “Instructor Eren is better off here anyway. Right, Captain?”

Tea cup aloft in mid-air, Levi quirks an eyebrow. 

Rita rolls her eyes. “I’ve already told you that people around here talk,” she says. “You two are the toast of the town these days. Adorable.” She scrunches her nose at the word. “Apparently.”

Exchanging a brief glance with Levi, Eren snorts and digs into his dessert before facing Rita again. “ _ You _ are adorable,” he shoots back, knowing it will probably shut her up. 

“I'm not!” she insists. And there it is: indignant silence, alongside a pouty scowl, and crossed arms.

Eren laughs. “Truce?” he offers, holding out his hand for her to shake.

She blinks and sags in her seat. “Ah, well. Why not?” Shaking his hand, she grins again before she lets go. “For now.”

“I wouldn't expect anything less, Rita,” Eren says. 

Eyes crinkling, Levi huffs into his cup. 

When Rita, Mia, and Harold leave, Eren tells them he'll pay for their expenses. They accept with wide beams, thank yous, and a salute before they step out into the street.

"Keep the money," Levi says as soon as the door has closed behind them with a cheerful tinkle.

Eren looks at him over a bite of half-finished tart. "Okay.” He nods. “Thank you."

Levi begins to close the café—sign, tables, chairs, floor. Deserting his half-finished apple cake for now, Eren stands to help. With a victorious jolt of satisfaction, he notices there isn't even a complaining sigh anymore. Instead, Levi shoots him a brief nod, letting Eren soak the dishes in the back and wipe the tables, while Levi sweeps and mops the floor. 

As Levi counts the day's takings, Eren decides since he’s in charge of tea for this evening, he can also choose closing tea now. He’s felt a distinct liveliness keeping him euphoric since he woke up this morning. Considering Levi’s state of alertness, and the Gunpowder still rushing through their blood, they don’t need any invigorating brews. So Eren opts for a relaxing herbal infusion.

“They didn't give you any trouble, did they?” Eren asks once they're seated at their usual spot next to the window.

Levi shakes his head. “No. Apparently, the gossip mill works quick as ever, though.”

“Seems so. Rita asked questions during class today.”

The steam from Levi’s cup curls gently before his face as he takes a sip of his infusion with a hum. “Hanji has been nosy as well.”

Eren isn’t much surprised. It would have been verging on a miracle if Hanji hadn’t heard any rumours. Of course, she would have come over right away to check. Then again, she wasn’t waiting in front of the Sparrow to be let in when Levi and Eren came down to open after breakfast. “When did she show up?” Eren asks.

“Around lunch. Probably worked the night through and didn't realise.” Levi falls slightly too silent.

Now that the café is empty, he’s lowered his guards a little bit. It's not really showing in his posture, but more in a sense of ease with his breaths. Still, under all the nonchalance there’s a shadow of something bothering him. Eren can almost taste it. It's more than Hanji too. It feels sharp and old.

Eren sensed it last night as well when Levi shut himself off without warning and with it, shut Eren out. Worry clenches cold in Eren’s guts at the thought, and he bites on his lip. Levi notices it and shakes his head. 

Accepting Levi will tell him when he’s ready, Eren nods. “I’ll keep an eye on Hanji,” he offers. He can’t give Levi much comfort down here, but he can redirect their conversation and nudge against Levi’s feet with his own in a wordless promise of  _ later_. “As much as I can, at least.” 

Levi smiles and nudges back with his feet. “Thank you.”

“Any time.”


	25. Chapter 25

**Twenty-First of December – A Pot with Jasmine Tea**

Winter solstice begins with a drawn knife in the dark.

Eren isn't surprised when he wakes up to Levi shooting upright in their bed during the middle of the night. Breath going first sharp, then quiet, Levi listens into the blackness before realising who lies next to him and that it is all right. This time Levi doesn't lay back down. Instead, he gets up with a rustle of the bed sheets and slips into some clothes.

"Everything okay?" Eren asks through his drowsy haze, propping himself up on an elbow.

"Just need to think." Levi's voice cuts through the nocturnal silence, yet sounds calm. "Go back to sleep."

Eren does. However, when he opens his eyes again to a still deserted and now even cooled down space next to him, he rises too. After the warm doze, his own nightclothes feel rough on his skin, the blank floor of the hallway chilly under his naked feet as he follows Levi.

He finds him sitting at the dining table, looking small wearing his nightshirt. His shoulders hang slightly, and his gaze is fixed on his hands that hold a nearly empty cup. The only source of light is the pale moon and a faint, weak glow from the lamps outside.

"What are you doing out here in the dark?" Eren asks with a yawn, feeling the warmth of the bed leaving his body and missing it. There is an intangible coldness in the living room and it's not because of the banked coals in the hearth. Nor is it the late hour, or the missing comfort of the down blanket.

Shining eyes settle on him as Levi answers. "I didn't want to disturb you."

"It's all right." Eren pads over to kiss Levi's brow. "Is there more tea?"

"Yes," Levi says, a small, hesitant smile tugging briefly at his lips.

Going into the kitchen, Eren fetches himself a cup and sits down at the table, facing Levi. The tea is soothing and still warm, its flowery scent going easy on Eren’s still slumberous mind. It's jasmine tea.

Eren frowns. Levi usually drinks it when something dejects him. "Did I wake you?" he asks.

"I don't know." Levi gazes out of the window, looking at something only he can see.

"Should I go home again?" Eren offers, looking firmly at Levi so he knows it would be all right for him to say yes. "Because if I'm a bother, I don't mind."

"No.” A knee presses against his under the table. “I can't sleep either way."

"Hm." Eren keeps on drinking his tea. Since they're at home and Levi doesn't mind him staying here, he stretches out his feet to nudge them against Levi's for reassuring contact. He also holds out his hand, laying it on the table.

Levi's mouth twitches before he stretches his legs as well to easily tangle their legs in an unsaid understanding, and reaches for Eren’s hand with his. The tea is calming, and Levi’s fingers squeeze around his. However, Eren feels something is up.

"Are you having second thoughts?" he asks, running his thumb over Levi’s knuckles. "About us?"

Levi meets his gaze and shakes his head as he retracts his hand. "I'm new to this, Eren. I don't know how to behave in a relationship like ours. I don't even know if I fit."

"Oh, we fit." Eren grins, nudging Levi's legs.

Levi smiles shortly. "It's not how I meant it."

"I know," Eren says, searching for the right words. The emphasis on Levi himself in his confession is what unsettles Eren most. Levi has always been one to worry, yet with the last days behind them, Eren is irritated at the thought that Levi is uncertain. It has been feeling so right to himself. Like things finally were as they were supposed to be all along.

His hand feels lost without Levi’s in it. "What makes you think I know what to do or that I fit?” he responds to Levi’s concern, his abandoned fingers feeling for the smooth yet bumpy wood of the kitchen table. “Because I don't have a manual or any experience either."

"Are you worried?" Levi asks back.

"I know I screwed up," Eren replies, rubbing an invisible stain on his cup while holding Levi’s gaze. "But if you ask if I am worried about you or us? No."

Levi frowns.

"This is new to me too," Eren adds after a while in an attempt to find the source of Levi’s sorrow. "But that's okay. We can figure it out as we go. We've done stranger things than getting together."

"I don't want to take advantage of you," Levi says, expression uncharacteristically open.

"You never have." Eren frowns, startled. He searches Levi’s eyes for something, anything, and the shadow he finds is not quite the same from earlier in the café. Now it goes deeper, matching Levi’s panic from the night before. It pierces Eren’s chest.

"Hey." He pokes Levi's foot with his once more, waiting for Levi to meet his eyes again before he continues. "We already talked about this. I left back then because I was a stupid idiot."

Levi doesn’t seem to hear him. "I should have said something on the next day. I shouldn't have let it happen in the first place."

"This is not solely on you,” Eren says, leaning forward now, and pressing the issue. “We both let it happen and kept silent about it. Besides, I was the arse who panicked and left that night. Not you."

Levi shakes his head. "I should have come after you when you were gone. I knew something was wrong."

"Well,” Eren concedes, “it wasn't your best day."

Levi huffs. It sounds bitter. "No, it wasn't."

Eren takes a sip of the flowery tea. "May I know why?"

Grey eyes settle on him again, lonely, soft, and sad. Eren shivers.

"Don't you remember how we chased after you in the fog that day?" Levi asks. "You went into a blind fury and stormed off, big arse Titan as you were. We didn't know if there were more out there waiting to ambush all of us. But you heard Jean scream Armin's name and ran towards them."

Eren swallows, staring uncomfortably into his cup. “Oh.”

He remembers his rage that day. His fright and his desperate need to protect his friend. Somehow his own doings have gotten inconsequential to him, regarding everything that happened afterwards. Eren has never thought about how Levi might have felt about his impulsive reaction. Not even on that day. Helping Armin, or anyone he cares about, comes as natural to him as breathing.

He assumed Levi had experienced something for himself that was too awful for words. Now that Eren understands, his blood is turning cold. He doesn't really need Levi's following words to explain further.

"I'd already lost two people I loved to a situation like that, Eren. Nearly identical in fact. A supposedly simple, fucking stupid mission. Fog. When we found you, eyes blank, and Armin and Jean were crouching next to you, all pale and agitated…what should I have thought?"

Never has Eren heard Levi's voice sound like this before. It's brittle, crackling, and raw in the otherwise silent, peaceful night. It sounds as if Levi is close to breaking.

Driven by instinct, Eren stands up and walks around the table to sit down next to Levi, heart twisting and ears ringing. He pulls Levi into his arms, buries his nose in black strands on top of his head, and feels relief when Levi’s arms wrap around him to hold on tight in return.

Breathing him in, Eren holds Levi close, rubbing soothing patterns over Levi’s back. "Fuck, I didn't even consider that." As he soaks up his warmth, his strength, Eren wants to seriously kick himself for never thinking about that part of the battle. He was gone for roughly quarter an hour before he came back to himself.

Levi snorts. "Of course you didn't. It's all right. I know why you went after Armin and that you'd do it again. I don't want to change who you are, Eren."

"You lost me twice that day though," Eren concludes, running his fingers through Levi's hair and not letting go. “And then again when I went on the mission.”

Levi inhales sharply and holds on so tight that it hurts and breathing is getting difficult. Eren wishes he knew how to make it better. Wants to do nothing more than to make Levi smile again as he feels hot dampness seeping against his shirt-covered chest. The night before he remained quiet at Levi’s outbreak, but right here and now, silence feels wrong. So he simply lets the words flow.

"I did not leave back then, because of anything you did or didn't do, Levi," he says as firmly as he can. With his throat tight, and his blood heavy with emotion, he can actually hear the strain in his own voice. "I wanted what we did too, everything about it. I wanted you. Always wanted you. You were wonderful. You still are. But how it happened caught me off guard and it scared the hell out of me.”

Levi still is hiding his face, but Eren can tell he’s listening. Letting him have as much time as he needs, Eren continues. "I should have stayed. I know that now. I think I somehow knew it back then too. But I was terrified of losing what we had before, and couldn’t handle myself. I didn’t know what to say to you. Probably should have talked to Armin about the mess in my head. Or I don't know. Fuck, I really should have talked to you. Instead, I went exploring, and I missed you. God, I missed you so much! Tell me whenever I do something this fucked up, all right? Sometimes…" Eren exhales, words failing him after all.

"…you just don't think things through?" Levi ends his sentence for him, his voice muffled in Eren's shirt.

"Exactly." Eren hugs him closer and inhales his scent, lets it mend his sorrows so he can do the same for Levi in return.

Now that he finally understands what happened, Eren feels horribly idiotic. Even more so than he already did. He can’t change the past, however. He can only try to make right on what is wrong. Knowing Levi as he does, it is clear they will conclude this topic today for good.

With that in mind, Eren searches for anything left unsaid. He recalls the last three years, everything he did, and contemplates how Levi must have felt. He expects the pain, and as it comes, he lets it in until every part of him hurts, and his eyes burn. He deserves it since Levi did not. Eren also attempts to assess the last past weeks, smiling at his own blindness during so many nights. As he arrives at the past two days, something that has been quietly demanding attention in the back of his head since Monday clicks together.

As always, the unfiltered question makes it out before he can even think about what he’s saying. “Is this why you didn’t fuck me this week?”

Levi freezes in his arms, hands clenching the fabric of Eren’s shirt in his back. “Are you so eager for it?” he asks in return.

Eren smiles at the prickly provocation, waiting for the real answer underneath. He hums and courses his fingers through Levi’s hair.

“Didn’t want to hurt you again,” Levi says with a quiet sniff.

“What?” He wants to say Levi never hurt him, but the words seem so insufficient. Levi’s arms around him hug tighter, and Eren shuts up, his heart a racing mess. His thumb runs over Levi’s nape, over his pronounced sinews and the small hills of vulnerable vertebrae beneath the smooth skin and silky stubbles.

"Come back to bed," he says with a kiss against Levi’s temple when moments have passed, and both of their breathing is back to normal. "It's lonely in there without you and cold."

"Says the furnace," Levi grumbles, but there's a faint trace of mirth back in his voice, so Eren can chuckle again.

"Well, someone has to warm your freezing feet," he retorts.

"True." With one final squeeze, Levi disentangles from their embrace. His head is cast down and directed to the side. It doesn’t succeed in fooling Eren.

Even in the faint light, he can make out puffy eyes framed by an obstinate scowl, tear-clumped eyelashes, and a stubbornly tight mouth. Levi’s guards are building up again, rising one by one until the steely grey shield of his eyes dares anyone to rattle against the impervious facade of _“I’m fine and lethal.”_ Eren doesn’t care. He’s lethal too.

I want to you so much, he thinks. So much. I need to show you.

Still holding on to Levi’s neck, Eren tilts his own head, runs his fingers over Levi’s jaw, finds salty lips, and nudges them open with his own in slow determination. Levi resists for a brief moment, muscles tensing at the offered comfort, but Eren won’t have any of it. Thumbs tracing damp cheekbones, he presses forward, wanting to make Levi forget, to make him smile again. His tongue urges against Levi’s until Levi makes a quiet moaning sound and gives in, leaning into the kiss.

Keeping his rising hunger in check, Eren hums, _yes, better_ , and lets his body convey what he can’t say out loud. He sinks into the wet heat of Levi’s mouth, sighing at the most pleasant ache carving through the depths of his belly. He lets Levi take over control, only to follow him right back with a smile. Levi shudders under a voiceless hiss before he presses forward again with an urgency that makes Eren groan. Saturated with warmth, he pours out unspoken promises that reach from _“I’m here, I’m not leaving,”_ over _“I will make you feel good,”_ all the way to _“I will protect your dreams.”_ He drags it out, glorying in Levi’s nails biting greedy half-moons into his side and his shoulder while curling his own fingers around Levi’s neck, messing up his silky hair.

Levi pulls away, looks at Eren with searching eyes, astonishment written all over his face, mingling with a sharp, raw lust.

Besotted with the sight, Eren smiles, pecks the corner of Levi’s mouth, and stands. “Come back to bed,” he promises again.

They clean the used china, watching the silent night on the other side of the kitchen window as they work. Dishes passing hands with brushing fingers, shoulders so close they nearly touch. During their talk snow has begun to fall to cover the world under a new layer of hushing white.

More words are unnecessary anyhow.

At least for now.

They haven't even closed the door to the bedroom when they are all over each other.

Stumbling over their feet, they somehow manage to find their way to the bed. After toppling onto it everything blurs into a haze of heat as they are caught by a blaze of reopened desolation so fierce that it rips right through them. Their hands are shaky as two sets of fingers tear off their clothes in their urge for simple, desperate touch. Their mouths are greedy as teeth catch lips that brush, nibble, and suck in return, both indulging in a never-ending chase of claiming and being claimed. Levi tastes like tea and home, and Eren wants him, yearns for him, wants him everywhere, until Levi is a part of him.

He begs and whimpers when Levi’s strong fingers pull them together, not that gentle anymore, but greedy now. Gripping, scratching, clinging on. Rough. Eren wants it, needs the passion, has longed for it for so fucking long, that he can't stand it anymore. Fingers digging into Levi's broad shoulders and back, he pulls them together in return—closer, closer, and closer, slippery and wet, messy kisses. Quick-quick-quicker.

As Levi takes him, it burns, stretches only for a second before it feels so wonderful that Eren cries out with a fulfilling shudder. Levi is finally deep inside of him, looking at him, through him, right into his soul. He is stroking Eren’s cock with slick, strong fingers, whispering his name with swollen, red lips and sparkling, blown-wide eyes. Eren yells as the relief crashes over him like a wave, losing himself entirely with a smile, never turning his eyes away.

He’s still collecting his control when Levi follows him after a few more deep thrusts, beautiful and undone. And when they lay next to each other again, waiting for the world to catch up, sweaty, breathless, and exhausted in all the best ways, Eren reaches for Levi's hand to intertwine their fingers; pale grace between tanned paws. Just as it should be.

They look at each other. Levi squeezes his hand, and Eren squeezes back.

“We have to buy more bed sheets,” Levi says after moments passed, his thumb brushing over Eren’s. His fingers are so warm.

Laughing, Eren pulls Levi’s hand up against his lips. “Imagine the talk.”

“Ugh.” Levi snorts.

“It’s all right,” Eren says, relishing in the complete relaxation covering him from head to toes. “I’ll get them. I’ve got more free time than you anyway.”

Not letting go of Eren’s hand, Levi scuttles closer until their arms touch. Nuzzling against it, Eren searches Levi’s eyes and smiles when they look back.

A small frown appears on Levi’s brow. He apparently can’t help it.

Eren’s free hand moves on its own until his fingertips gently press against the crease to ease it out. He trails further afterwards, tracing tired bruises and stubbly cheekbones.

Grey eyes soften under the touch while Levi’s hand tightens around Eren’s in another thankful squeeze. “We need to clean up.”

Abandoning the wonderful sight of happy, relaxed Levi, Eren cranes his head to peer down at the cool, glistening stickiness on his stomach and chest. His cock twitches.

“So we do.” He grins and lets Levi pull him up.

Levi's feet indeed are ice-cold again when he tucks them under Eren's legs with a knowing chuckle when they slip under the freshly changed covers.

Snuggling into their embrace, Eren grins back. He can't help but think if his sole purpose as a Titan after the war is to warm Levi at night, he might be more than all right with that.

As they lay there, huddled under the blanket, his fingertips feathering over the fuzzy hairs on Levi’s forearm, Eren’s thoughts idly trail back to their talk earlier. About what Levi said, and Eren comes to a halt at a casually thrown-in sentence that slightly went under in the rest of what’s been mentioned. He doesn’t know if this was Levi’s way of sneaking it into a context that wouldn’t have Eren focus on it too much, or if Levi even had this much control over his words to begin with. Now, that they are echoing through his head, though, Eren does focus on them. It’s not like he needed them to know. Yet now they are there, sending a whole new, beautiful glow through his body, coddling him from the inside out.

"I love you too. You know that, right?" Eren asks into the silence.

"Hm," is the only response he gets to that, but Levi’s arm slides tighter around his waist as Levi rests his head on Eren's chest, pulling him impossibly closer.

Warm. Easy.

Right.

Good.

"I missed you too," Levi murmurs. "I missed your heart."

Eren doesn't have an answer left. All he can do is press his lips against Levi's crown with blinking eyes and swallow, hold on tighter as he swears to himself to never ever let something this stupid come between them.

He falls asleep to quiet, rhythmic breathing, tickling hair, and an ear resting against his heart, his left hand gently protecting Levi's nape.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A huge shoutout to the wonderful [KurahieiritrJIO](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KurahieiritrJIO/pseuds/KurahieiritrJIO) for proofreading this chapter in a rush and polishing all the horribly lazy and unnecessary words out of it. It's been a tough couple of weeks for me, and I'm so glad to keep these uploads going. They, with all your wonderful feedback, have been the highlight of every week. You guys are amazing. Thank you!

**Twenty-Second of December – A Trail of Footprints**

On Thursday evening, the Sparrow is filled with customers. After darting a quick glance at Levi, Eren sits down at the only free table. It's his place at the window again. As Eren catches a series of smiles and waves directed at him from the other regulars, he begins to suspect the reason for it being unoccupied every single evening.

Sighing at the offered support, by what looks like the whole town, he accepts his served evening tea with an exchange of gazes and a brief brush of Levi's cool fingers over his. No coddling cake this time. He ate lunch today, and Levi can tell it seems. Eren orders one anyway.

"Is there some more of that cherry pie left that came this morning?" he asks.

Levi nods. "There is." Answering Eren's smile with a brief twitch of his lips, he goes to fetch it.

While he waits, Eren takes a first sip of his sencha which is like summer in a cup. It has a rich, dark green colour, with the taste of grass, and it warms him all the way through.

Eren's blinks up when his senses recognise a set of two familiar footsteps only a moment before he hears Jean's voice.

"Thought we might see you here," he says, ruffling his dark blond hair before he plops down on a seat next to Eren, while Mikasa hangs her coat over the backrest of a third chair.

They both look like they have spent the entire day out in the frost, their faces pink from the cold. Jean even rubs his chest to get warm. The wind has been icy since the previous night, biting on everything it brushes past.

It's the main reasons Eren and Connie kept training the first years indoors today. Taking them through a set of muscle formation drills in the morning, followed by another theory session about weapons and Military History in the afternoon. It's nice to share the class responsibilities with Connie. Apart from the fact that they are a good team, the children listen to him and like his less grave spirit. The Trainees themselves are all good kids too. Still, Eren looks forward to his lessons with the second-years tomorrow.

"Jean," Mikasa says. "Tea?"

"Yes, please." He grins up at her.

She nods, shoots a small smile at Eren, and heads towards the counter.

It's only when she is gone, and Eren is shifting on his chair next to Jean, that he realises it. Jean and he have never been alone. Not unless in a fight or some other silly situation. Not voluntarily at least, and certainly never as something like friends, sitting together in a café. Drinking tea. Talking about their day or whatever most men talk about. Eren suddenly has no clue anymore.

Jean, on the other hand, doesn't seem to be bothered by the circumstances. Shrugging off his winter coat as well, he produces his art supplies out of its pockets. "Busy night, huh?" he asks, laying a small sketchbook on the table top before unwrapping his carbon pencils.

"Yeah," Eren says, giving his best not to fidget. It's not even that he's uncomfortable. It's more that his head is empty. Despite knowing Jean is all right, they don't have much to say to another other than " _your hair looks weird,"_  countered by something like " _try not to kill yourself, idiot!"_  or some other well-established insult. It's become their way of communicating as it always has been. It's safe. Comfortable. Eren stifles a half-amused snort at the thought.

"Any plans for tonight?" Jean asks, eyes cast down at his first drawn lines on the paper.

"Nope." As much as he's trying, Eren can't come up with anything else.

Plans, Eren muses. What plans does he have for tonight? He'll sit here waiting until Levi is finished, they'll share some café closing tea, and after moving upstairs they'll have even more tea. Levi will cook dinner, which will be followed by chess. Same old, wonderful routine. Routines aren't plans, are they?

"Hm," makes Jean. And that's it with their conversation.

Hiding his hands under the table, Eren twiddles with his fingers, chewing on his lip. His eyes flit over the café, searching for something to contribute. Anything that would give him something to say without stating the bloody obvious.

His gaze finds Mikasa, who is still standing at the counter, talking to Levi. Both of their postures are relaxed, but also earnest. Mikasa says something. Levi nods, flashing his eyes over to Eren and then glancing down at his hands before looking back at Mikasa, holding her gaze with steady eyes.

"What is she doing?" Eren wonders out loud, more to himself than to Jean. Whatever it is they are doing, it's more than Mikasa ordering tea.

"Nothing much," Jean answers. "Just making sure you're all right."

"Oh." Eren frowns, biting harder on his lip while his fumbling fingers come to a stop, emerging from their hiding place to take hold of his tea. "Oh."

Levi smiles down at the counter as he speaks, and Mikasa takes hold of his underarm for a long second, nodding. She stands with her back to Eren, only slightly in profile, yet he thinks she's smiling too.

Rubbing his fingers over the china of his cup, Eren frowns. They all care so much about him that he can't shake the inkling they will lose their patience with him any time now. They will turn their back on him, or tell him it was all a joke. He'd deserve it.

He looks at Jean, who is so immersed in his drawings that he's got no hold on his usual scowl, and his eyes have softened around the edges. A quick glance at his sketchbook reveals a rough picture of Eren, smiling at something, or rather someone, Eren supposes. Guilt clenches his chest from anew. Jean, as it seems, has forgotten their childish rivalry a long while ago.

Clearing his throat, Eren makes a decision. "I didn't make it easy for you, did I?" he says, feeling awkward again as soon as the words are out of his mouth. "I'm sorry."

The quiet scratching sounds of coal on paper stop, and Jean's tawny eyes look at him calmly yet more darkly again as Jean's defensive walls are consciously being put back into place. "It's all right, mate."

Eren wants to say it isn't. He's been a pain in the arse and even worse. He wants to apologise for the broken nose, for causing them trouble all the time, and for everything, really. Jean's expression tells him he doesn't have to, though, because Jean already knows.

"Thanks," Eren breathes.

"We've both been arseholes," Jean says with an expression which he manages to put somewhere between a smirk and a faint glower.

Eren chuckles, casting every last bit of previous tension between them out. "We were."

"The worst," Jean agrees, rolling his eyes.

They grin at each other. Then Jean takes up on his sketching again, and it is…nice.

Familiar and nice.

Finally relaxing on his chair, Eren lifts his cup. "Maybe I'll take him for a walk today," he answers Jean's question from before for a second time.

"The snow is nice these days, isn't it?"

"Yeah." Eren takes a sip of his tea. "Yeah, I guess it is."

"As long as you don't have to stay out there for hours at least," Jean relents, darting a dirty look at the window front showing nothing but streetlamp lit white. "I've been freezing my fucking balls off since lunch."

Eren snorts. "The perks of being a monster." He doesn't mean it, proving it by making a grimace and showing off claws he doesn't have.

"Yeah," Jean says. "I almost envy you during this weather. But then I see your ugly face and it's all gone."

"Same, mate." Eren grins as Jean kicks his shin, and kicks back.

At least his apology hasn't changed this. It's always been easy to bicker with Jean. Fun even.

"How's the bird?" Jean asks after a moment, glancing at Eren and then the café in a way that makes Eren wonder what Jean sees when he is drawing. Is he seeing the world as Eren does himself? Or does he see it in form of lines, shapes—rough sketches of shades, half light, half shadows, certain moments picked out to be recorded on paper in coal?

"She's fine," he answers. "We showed her to the first years on Tuesday morning and removed the tape. She seems rather lively. Already manages to fly a bit."

"Will you set her free soon?"

Eren shrugs. "I guess so, yeah. Probably around this weekend."

Jean hums as Mikasa returns with a cup of coffee for herself, a cup of black tea for Jean, and a plate with Eren's pie, which he accepts with a "thanks."

"Are you all right?" Jean asks after his first cautious sip of steaming tea.

"All good," she says, and smiles.

* * *

"Would you like to go out for a walk?" Eren asks as soon as Levi and he have finished dinner and are about to move to the chairs by the fireside to play chess. It is not their usual routine, but something about the winter has been pulling him outside into the snow-covered world for days. Levi spends all his time inside these days and should see how beautiful the world looks from time to time.

"All right," Levi says.

They gather their coats, slip into their boots, and head out into the black and white night.

It is different than in Eren's dream. The snow does not resemble a thin layer of powdered sugar, but is thick and heavy. It's wet and cold under their feet, glistening in the light of the street lamps. They crunch over old footprints and fresh, icy snow alike, their breath visible in the frosty air. As opposed to the fantasy, it's not snowing either. Instead, the clouds have parted for now, to offer a small strip of the moon up in the sky, lighting their way.

Every now and then Levi slightly wobbles on the uneven ground, arms faintly stretched out for balance. The streets are frosty, and where the old snow has been compressed often enough by people, horses, and carriages alike, it's slippery. With two healthy legs, Eren has little trouble with it, but it's clear Levi's old injury is challenging him.

"I hope Mikasa wasn't too fierce," Eren says when they reach the fields that are nothing but pale, vast, and beautiful. "I saw her talking to you earlier."

Levi peers up at him before he pushes his nose back into the collar of his coat. "She wasn't."

Eren knows Mikasa can't help herself. She only wants to protect him, yet somehow he feels he has to apologise for her. "I didn't tell her to."

"I know," Levi assures. "She's all right. We both are. We're family."

"It wasn't always like that," Eren explains himself.

Levi smiles briefly. "It's like that now."

"Since when?"

"About a year ago," Levi answers and Eren understands.

Nodding, he grins to himself. "I should make that a big fat cross in my calendar, huh?"

Levi snorts.

Smiling, Eren nudges his elbow against Levi's. "I'm glad."

Levi smiles back. "Me too."

It's a strange feeling to walk over the almost pristine blanket of snow that seems to stretch to the horizon. No other traces of human footsteps accompany their own as they walk over the white planes, though there are traces of rabbits and deer. Their boots sink into the frosted surface, mingling with the sounds of nature, accompanied by their own breathing.

This is so much better than any imagination. It is biting cold and Eren's nose has become numb a good time ago. Levi must be feeling the cold gnawing its way through his coat by now with his human skin. Nonetheless, it is perfect.

Levi's eyes are clear, his face pink, yet relaxed, his presence the best company. It feels like one of these memories that are already destined to be favourite moments to look back upon even while they form. Eren can feel it in his lungs, in the harmony of their unspoken thoughts, and in a certain vastness in his chest that makes him feel alive and infinite.

"How are Sasha and Connie doing?" Levi asks, his words forming small puffs of air in front of him before becoming one with the night.

"They're doing fine," Eren replies. "Connie is good with the first years, and Sasha seems to manage the others quite well."

"They truly like her, don't they?"

"They do," Eren says.

With her and Connie's help, it feels strangely right to him too. Like they've always been teaching young soldiers together. They're a good team, and Eren can see why Hanji wanted the three of them working together before he even knew this could be an option.

"Any new injuries lately?" A strand of his fringe falls over Levi's eyes as he meets Eren's gaze again, gently veiling his forehead.

"Apart from falling out of bed not yet." Eren chuckles. "Maybe this month becomes a new record."

Levi smiles. "Perhaps."

The clouds above them part wider and let the stars blink down on them. The North Star is bright tonight, and Eren smiles at its winking light reflecting within Levi's eyes.

"You were right with them planning a family, I guess," he says, remembering Connie's slip.

The corners of Levi's eyes soften with warmth. "Good for them."

"Yeah. They've already made themselves rather comfortable here too. It looks like they've been living here for months, not for the better part of a week. It makes me wonder what I did with my time here. The only personal things I have at my place are my tea supplies, some books, and a napkin."

"A napkin," Levi repeats, brow furrowed.

"You heard me." Eren grins at him, dragging the coldness surrounding them deep into his lungs. The air somehow tastes different at night than during the day. As if the world would breathe its secrets into the darkness.

Levi opens his mouth to say something but closes it again.

"You thought I'd threw it away," Eren says, glad that though he might have been oblivious back then, he wasn't silly enough to do something like this. "It hangs on my kitchen wall, actually."

His heart makes a little jump as cold knuckles brush over his, index and middle finger lingering for a moment before pulling away again. Levi won't accept holding Eren's hand in public, so Eren hadn't offered. Even with everybody in this town knowing about their relationship, this is them. They are nobody else's concern. Eren is happy enough with simply walking side by side. Still, now with the missing contact, he already looks forward to warming Levi's hands later between his own.

For now, they continue their wordless walk. Feet gritting over frosted snow, breaths harsh in the peaceful stillness, thoughts in quiet understanding.

One tall figure in green. A smaller one in black.

"Where do you want to sleep tonight?" Levi asks when they turn around to head back.

Next to you. "At your place if that's all right," Eren says.

The small wrinkle between Levi's eyebrows deepens as he shoots Eren a curious glance. "I will wake up again."

"I know." Eren shrugs. "Me too."

It's not only the waking up part that bothers Levi. Eren thinks of his contrite glance at his knife before he put it back under his pillow this night again, and recognises it now in the way the wrinkle on his brow deepens even more as Levi buries his nose back in his scarf. So he searches for Levi's wrist with his hand and lets his knuckles briefly brush over it in return.

"It's all right." He doesn't have to say he knows old habits die hard. Doesn't have to say Levi is only right for having the knife close by when he decides to spend his nights with a Titan by his side, no matter how tamed he might be. They've had the discussion before, even at a time when they'd not even shared a bed yet.

Ever since he first saw Levi wake up like this, Eren has been keeping a knife of his own under his pillow when he goes to sleep. Except for this week. He didn't need it. Doesn't. They both know Levi is quicker, and Eren is better with his fists.

"It makes me feel safe," Eren adds. He senses their shoulders are nearly touching now.

The blinking stars hang over the town far ahead, and sporadic windows are glowing in the houses below, almost inviting them to stay outside, to bathe in the sea of lights.

"You don't have to ask," Levi mumbles, eyes fixed on something at the horizon.

There's a joy in Eren's chest that feels too big for one heart. He seizes it nevertheless, wraps it around himself until he's drunk on it. The brass key in his pocket presses against his legs as he walks. "I'll fetch my things tomorrow, then."

It's not a question, but Levi smiles and answers anyway. "Yes."


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An interesting observation about revising a story is that whilst sometimes you know exactly what to do with a certain chapter, you're at a bit of a loss at other times. You look at the words, the scenes, the interactions, and you shrug, thinking: "Fine by me. It's good. I could leave it like this." 
> 
> I didn't want this chapter to be 'good', though. I wanted it to be better. Glowing even. I wanted it to be different, a joy to read, and a bit of an experience filled with hidden treasures, even for those who already know and love its original version. Hence I prodded, nudged, and meddled, and in the end, this chapter not only is the one that got the most additions. It also solves, explains, introduces, and opens a few new doors. With that in mind, it's easy to say I'm so proud of what has become of a part of this story that I initially thought to be "fine and good." The glow, by my definition, is complete. 
> 
> I hope it will make you smile, laugh, and swoon just as much as I did during working on it. And if it gives you a little tear or two in-between, all the better. 
> 
> Please, enjoy. <3

**Twenty-Third of December – A Bundle**

"Are you sure she'll be all right?" Eren asks, his heart clenching with concern.

"She'll live," Levi says, handing Eren a cup of Earl Grey. "Just give her a moment."

Eren is sitting at the counter in Levi's café, and looks at the door to the bathroom where Hanji has hurried off to a minute ago. In all his time with the military, Eren has never seen her cry like this.

Not during the war. Not when they found the steaming remains of Sonny and Bean. Not after Shingashina. Or Moblit. Not after their victory. Nor during any of her nighttime visits.

When Levi and he met her for the third morning in row today though, and Levi asked Eren if he still wanted to fetch his things later, she burst out into a waterfall of tears and sobs, before fleeing with a choked "sorry."

Eren knows it's been Levi's way of telling Hanji without really having to explain everything, and he's smiled. Hanji, however, is still barricading herself in the bathroom, and by now he's starting to get worried.

"Should I be moving in when it upsets her like this?" Eren asks.

Levi looks at him. Sighs. "We both know she's not crying over you moving in. Not really anyway. And yes."

Eren bites on his lip. "Sure I won't get on your nerves?"

"Not as long as you're telling me when you get bored," Levi answers, looking down at a set of measuring spoons in his hand.

"Why should I get bored?" Eren frowns, sipping his tea and relaxing at the flavour.

A lifted eyebrow is all he gets in response.

It's Eren's turn to sigh. "You do know you're the least boring person I've ever met, don't you?" He glances at the door that is still closed shut. "Well…" he admits. "Maybe with one exception."

A thin line of worry appears on Levi's brow, but he snorts as he stores the measuring spoons away.

"You'll bring the napkin, won't you?" he asks.

"You know I will," Eren says, grinning. "I love that napkin."

"Tch. You are an oddball," Levi says, reaching for his own tea.

"You knew that before," Eren points out.

A warm smile ghosts over Levi's face. "I did."

The door to the bathroom bangs open and Hanji steps out. Her eyes are swollen and red. She is sniffling and still a bit wobbly on her feet, but otherwise she's collected again.

"Are you all right?" Eren asks while Levi sets a cup of coffee alongside a piece of unrequested chocolate cake onto the counter at her usual spot.

"I am," Hanji says, steps closer, and seizes Eren in a rib-crushing embrace so fierce, that all the air escapes his lungs in one single, surprised wheeze.

Catching for breath, he swallows. He's still sitting on the bar stool, with Hanji pressing against his side, uncharacteristically quiet. Despite the rather awkward angle, he manages to wrap an arm around her to pat her lower back. Hanji still doesn't let go.

He exchanges a short look with Levi, whose expression is a strange mix of softness, helpless bafflement, and scowl.

"It's okay, Hanji," Eren says into her shoulder when he has his voice again.

"You're crushing him," Levi grumbles.

"I'll heal," he insists, right at the same time as Hanji lets go. And you're the one to talk, he adds silently with a warmth in his heart.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Eren." Hanji wipes her eyes.

"It's okay," he says again, smiling at her as he searches her face for any lingering trouble. "Are you sure you are?" He takes the napkin Levi offers over the countertop to hand it to her.

"Yes." She smiles back and sits down next to him with one last sniff and a blow of her nose before stuffing the used napkin into her pockets. "Thank you for the cake."

"Your arse is too bony lately. You need to take better care of yourself, for fuck's sake," Levi says.

Eren smiles into his cup. Levi is fooling neither him nor Hanji with his grumpy remark.

"What do you think I've got you for?" Hanji retorts and beams fully now, flicking her glance between the both of them.

Eren shrugs, and Levi merely sighs, hanging his apron around his neck before binding it in the back. "All right, four-eyes. You've got three questions."

Eren chuckles to himself. They all know Hanji will get all the questions, answers included. It just might take her a while.

* * *

The second-years are giddy with excitement when Eren meets them for training just under an hour later, and he returns their greeting salute with a wide grin. "All right, folks. What about a set of resilience drills and some theory after lunch?"

His plan is answered with a stunning approval, gleaming eyes, and eager nodding. They really must have missed him. They begin with a strong jog over the grounds of HQ. Although it has stopped snowing, and the training ground is cleared of the ice, it is still freezing. The drills are straining them enough that after only one hour the Trainees are back to their usual teenager selves. Eren lets them run further. After all the theory lessons with Sasha they need the outlet. He enjoys the crisp coldness of the day as much as they seem to be delighted to be back under the open sky for a whole day.

As he watches them jog over the grounds and fly through the woods with their gear later in the day, while he is making his usual notes, it occurs to him how far they've come in the year they've been here. Of course his evaluation sheets say so too. It's all written down in them in his own, scrawly handwriting. Seeing it with his own eyes after a few days with the new Trainees, however, is like an eye-opener.

They've become strong over the past twelve months. Strong, resistant, and independent. They bolt through the trees with ease. None are all that wobbly as they once were. Despite it is their progress and not his, Eren can't help but feel a little bit proud.

Derek is still the most skilled of them, just as he has been from the start, but even Harold moves with little effort today. He chases Mia and Rita, who has stuffed a handful of snow into the back of Harold's coat with a mischievous cackle.

They finish in the afternoon, just as the daylight starts to fade and make way for dusk. It's silly, and Eren knows it, but he imagines to feel the turn of the sun already. He seems to sense that, even if it's only barely noticeable—if at all—the days are getting longer again. The air is fresher and livelier.

A good day for moving and starting from anew.

"Great work today," he grins at the Trainees after returning to the grounds of HQ before dismissing them with a salute. They smile back at him, hurrying off into their weekend, and to dinner, certainly hungry after today's exercises.

Harold, Mia and Rita, however, stay behind with bright, hopeful eyes.

"Instructor Eren," Harold begins as they approach him. The bump on his forehead has healed, and Eren counts three injury-free weeks to the day. Definitely a new record. "Selma's flying is getting better, and we would like to let her free again tomorrow. Would you like to join us, you know, since you helped us with her and everything?"

"That's great, Harold," Eren answers. "Of course, I would."

Three faces grin up at him.

"We were thinking right after breakfast," Rita says. "Just where Harold found her, perhaps."

"Sounds like a good plan." Eren grins back. "I'll be there."

They smile, and he watches them leave with eager steps before he turns around to gather his things and clean his flat.

* * *

It has long become dark when Eren stands in the doorway of his own quarters, one big bundle resting on his back that fits everything he owns: A few books, one of them from Armin, one of them missing because it's already at Levi's. One book containing a pressed blue flower Eren found at Shingashina. A small box with stationeries, a couple of clothes. Sanitary articles, his serum set, and, last but not least, a napkin. He was careful when he removed it from the kitchen wall and stacked it between two books so it will not crumble up on his way.

Everything else—paperwork, files, folders, his gear, and maintenance supplies—he will leave behind. He's also leaving his tea supplies consisting of one pot, two cups, two spoons, one small can of Assam, as well as one smaller can of Oolong. Where he's moving, he won't need them. Better to keep them here for when he needs to do paperwork and for his lunch breaks.

It is strange to leave this place. It's never been his to begin with. Nevertheless, as he lets his gaze wander over his old quarters with the knowledge that it never will be nothing more than an office, he feels nostalgic. In theory, the papers in Hanji's folders still say this is where he is housed, and he will continue to use it during working hours, yet that's it.

Eren remembers the day he moved in, his heart heavy with worry of leaving Armin behind, though Armin was the one leaving. His spirit was tired, his head confused with what to do with his life and himself. He was the one who asked Hanji for the position of an Instructor. Initially, he didn't believe it would be something he'd enjoy doing, even look forward to every day.

Eren thinks about Harold and Rita and Mia. Contemplates how far they've come in this one year alone. He thinks about the new Trainees with all their potential. He also thinks about his own last couple of weeks until he has to smile. He's found his place.

It isn't this flat.

He locks the door behind him. Leaves, and doesn't look back.

As he steps out of HQ, the air is cold, yet full of promises. The snow-covered town and the starlit sky illuminate the night, eliciting an anticipation-filled smile. Polaris blinks brightly, and Eren rearranges the small bundle on his shoulders as he follows its path.

Before entering the Sparrow, Eren makes a detour to stop at the local shop. It's his turn to make dinner tonight. A quick examination of the pantry this morning revealed he's lacking the main ingredients.

His entry summons a small woman with mouse blond curls framing a set of dark eyes that seem to run in her family.

"Hello Magda," Eren greets her, and earns a surprised squeak.

"Mister Yaeger!" she cries, cheeks flushing, eyes sparkling. "Oh my, what a surprise. Come in, come in! What can I do for you? Is something wrong with the delivery?"

Eren blinks in puzzlement, but quickly catches up. It's Friday. Val's day to visit the Sparrow. "Oh, no," Eren says with a shake of his head. "I think not. I haven't been over yet."

"But it's your time of the day, isn't it? Val will be disappointed if he misses you again. He was so sad to not see you the last two weeks."

Unable to tell if she's overstating Val's enthusiasm to see him somewhat, or if it's true, he brushes it off with a smile. It's not why he came here. "Does this week's delivery include some mushrooms?" he asks.

"It does," Magda says with a clap of her hands. "I always try to include mushrooms if it's possible." Her words come with a certain spirit that leaves no doubt about that she knows what she's doing. "We all know how much Captain Levi likes them, don't we? And I had such a nice basket full this time that I thought you two should have some."

Warmed by her statement, Eren grins. "They're enough for one meal?"

Straightening up with kindly blinking eyes, Magda nods. "Oh, yes," she replies. "Enough for two actually, depending on what you want to do with them. What is it you want to do if you don't mind me asking?"

"Fried mushrooms on bread," Eren answers.

"How wonderful!" Magda's cheeks are glowing with delight. "Evelyn brought you two a rye loaf this noon that would be perfect for that. Norman is experimenting again and thought you might be glad about it. It's a lovely bread. I had some of it for lunch myself. Have you ever roasted the bread before you added the mushrooms?"

"Um, yes," Eren replies. "My friend taught it to me like that." He catches Magda's attentive expression and sighs as he rubs his neck. "I'm relatively new to cooking," he admits.

Magda brightens up even more. "No worries, no worries, my dear! We all start somewhere. How will you do it? Does your recipe include honey?" she asks.

"No," Eren says. "And I don't know. Fry the mushrooms in butter, add garlic and thyme and put it all onto the roasted bread." Sasha's recipes are all brilliant. Easy to remember, and the outcome has always been delicious so far.

"Wonderful," Magda enthuses. "Solid. I do recommend you to try some honey, though. Add it when the mushrooms give away the fat again. Only a spoonful." She leans forward and lowers her voice into a conspiratorial whisper. "Add some of Katinka's goat curd too if you've got some. Only a few crumbs."

Smiling, Eren nods. "I'll need some honey, then."

She shakes her head with a content beam. "No, you don't. Val is bringing some over today already."

"Oh." Eren blinks. "All right."

Magda smiles but suddenly clicks her tongue. "Look at me, keeping you here with my talking. I bet your Captain is waiting for you by now. And Val will be so glad to see you too. He's got exciting news he's been wanting to tell you. Anya said yes, you know?" She assumes an enamoured expression that, just like her dark, witty, kind eyes, seem to run in the family. "Such a lovely girl."

Eren stills in surprise. "Oh. That's...that's so great!"

Val has a girlfriend? The thought stirs at something inside Eren's head. Something nagging, but it gets shoved away by Magda, who chatters on with an expression of pure motherly pride.

"I can't believe he's been so worried she would refuse him. She knows too that she can't find a better man out there than my Val." The adoration in her voice is so heartfelt that some old, forgotten memories pierce through Eren's chest.

His own mother, hanging up laundry with a hummed melody, smiling at him. His mother ruffling his hair, or hugging him after chiding him for always being so impulsive and wild. Laughing at a harmless prank he did. Reading him stories right before bedtime with her warm voice, and smiling again, when he demanded "only one more chapter!" her eyes warm with adoration.

She'll never get to know Levi. She'll never talk to him or see how stunning his smile is. She'll never talk about him with the same fondness that Magda has when she's talking about Anya either.

His mother surely would have loved Levi. Who wouldn't?

Would Levi's mother approve of Eren too if she still were alive? Eren only can hope so. He swallows.

"Everything all right?" Magda's gentle voice interrupts his reverie.

Clearing his throat, Eren blinks the thoughts away. "Yes," he answers. "Yes."

"You can always come to us if you need something. Anything. You know that, right?" Magda offers with a kindness that almost makes Eren want to hug her and tell her all his worries. Not that they're much these days. "We're here to help each other. You helped us all more than we ever could repay. Both of you. And Rita adores you a lot too. She'd be furious at us if we wouldn't be there for you, or only when it suits us fine."

Reaching for a smile, Eren nods, flustered. "Thank you." He doesn't know what else to say. She doesn't have to offer any of that help. She doesn't owe him anything, and it's not like having Rita in his Trainee Corps is a bother. On the contrary.

"Were all so happy for you, you know," Magda says. "We've been waiting for you two to come to your senses for over a year. The Captain missed you a lot while you were away. We all could see it. We almost couldn't believe it when we heard about you. You'll make each other very happy. I'm certain."

Smile coming easy now, Eren throws his bundle back over his shoulder. "Thank you, Magda. I'll do my best."

Smiling back, she blinks at him, and dismisses him with a cordial "Shoo!"

The walk from Magda's shop to the Sparrow is short, yet it is enough for Eren to ponder about that nagging thing in his head that got shoved aside earlier. He doesn't quite know where to place it. It's not surprise, and it's not relief. It's a bit of both, only much stronger. It feels like a big knot being untied as well.

It all falls into place as he opens the door to the café with a welcoming tinkle of the bell. Val sits on one of the bar stools, a steaming cup of tea in front of him, and talking to Levi who stands behind the counter. He listens with a mild, attentive smile, wrapping a caddie with wax paper.

Hands gesturing as he speaks, Val looks at Levi with an admiration that could be a problem if it weren't so humble and worshipful. Eren knows that look. It's how every new recruit in the Survey Corps gawked at Levi. At least until they were faced with everyday life, and Levi pushed brooms and soap into their hands. Or until he started complaining about their sloppy knife handling or horrible footwork during drills before peering at Eren with an approving nod.

Whereas Val's gaze is a picture of pure glorification, Levi's eyes, on the other hand, are one of exasperation and fond, almost paternal, pride alike. The same look he gave every starry-eyed new recruit who entered the Survey Corps with hopes of becoming like their hero.

Amused by himself, Eren snorts. He's been such an idiot.

Of course Levi would look at Val like this. Not because of any romantic feelings, but simply because Val is one of those people that would give anyone with even the slightest human tendency the instant urge to wrap him up in a blanket and coddle him for eternity. Eren himself thinks this way about Val, and Levi is the most human anyone could ever be.

"Eren!" Val exclaims. "So good to see you!"

Shooting a greeting glance at Levi, Eren approaches the counter to sit on the stool to Val's left whilst setting his bundle down. "Hello Val." Offering an honest smile, Eren nods at the light amber colored liquid steaming in the cup. "What are you having there?"

"Herbal infusion," Val replies, his pale winter freckles enhancing his smile. "Apparently, it helps to relax."

"So it does," Eren agrees with a grin and looks at Levi. "Is there some left?"

"There is," Levi says. His eyes are warm as they meet Eren's and flit to Val before focusing back on Eren's with a lifted eyebrow.

Eren gives a small sheepish shrug as he rubs his neck and bites his lip in an unspoken apology. He's been such a cranky arse to one of Levi's best customers for over a year.

Levi snorts, putting the wrapped caddie aside to pour Eren a cup before reaching for the sealing tools. Seal, wax, knife, spoon, and candle.

Apparently missing out on the wordless conversation, Val points at Eren's bag. "What's that?"

"My stuff," Eren says, turning to Val's puzzled frown after averting his gaze from Levi's lingering smirk directed at the knife chipping off black sealing wax from the stick. "I'm moving in today."

"You…" Val first gapes, then beams that Eren almost expects him to implode any second.

Levi and Eren talked about it and came to the decision it would be best to go through with it and tell people. They'd find out anyway. Now though, Eren fears it might have been a wrong decision to start with Val, since he looks like he's about to pass out.

"Breathe," Levi says as he closes his knife with a quiet snap, and Val gasps for air.

"This is so great!" he says. "Congratulations! When is the ceremony?"

"Huh?" Eren frowns in puzzlement, turning his head to Levi.

Levi's expression is exactly like when someone asks Hanji about Titans in his presence and there's no opportunity for him to leave. It's clear, he knows what's coming.

"The wedding," Val explains.

Levi's eyes dart over to Eren before fixing Val with a stern yet amused gaze. "No wedding."

"But…" Val frowns, searching for words. "Eren just said, you're moving in together?"

"Yes," Levi replies. "We're living in sin."

It's quiet for a moment, and when Eren understands, he laughs, almost choking on a sip of tea.

It shouldn't be possible for Val to look even more puzzled and intimidated than before, but somehow he manages. "I'm so sorry, Eren. Sorry, Captain. I didn't mean to be intrusive." His face is glowing with crimson, his hands move restlessly in his lap. "But I waited so long for this to happen, for you to realise you belong together. You see? We all have."

Levi snorts. "You don't say."

Deciding to stir the topic into another direction, Eren smiles at Val. "Congratulations to your engagement though," he says. "Your Mum just told me." The distraction works.

"You were at my Mum's?" Val asks, stopping his fidgeting. "She must have been thrilled to see you. Why were you there?"

"For ingredients." Eren grins at Levi's curiously lifted eyebrow which lowers now with a soft smile.

"Oh, that reminds me," Val jerks into action. "I brought you some nice mushrooms tonight."

Eren reaches for his tea, and watches Val proceed with his weekly listing of delivered items.

* * *

"Well, that was interesting," Levi says when Val leaves into the night.

Eren chuckles as the belated blush of embarrassment spreads in his neck. "You knew about this. About me being an idiot."

"I did," Levi agrees, wiping away some remaining sealing wax dust from the counter. "What do you think? With me standing here all day, dealing with these people and their altruistic care packages? Then you come in to pout and brood every time Valentin made a delivery. Spreading your gloom everywhere."

Eren isn't fooled. Levi likes these people in return, but he's got a point.

"I was cruel to him," he concedes.

"You were not," Levi says. "Dramatic is a much better word. It was almost flattering, if a bit confusing until two weeks ago, I have to admit." Grey eyes sparkle with so much amusement over a lifted tea cup that Eren can hear the horrible word through all the silence. " _Cute."_

"Oh, shut up," Eren mutters, standing in defeat to help Levi with closing.

Levi snorts and moves to lock the door.

After bringing Val's dishes into the staff department, Eren fetches a cloth to wipe the tables. As he rearranges a set of chairs, his mind trails off to the revelations of this evening, eliciting him another shake of his head at himself. Jealous. He's been jealous for a year and didn't even recognise it.

So this is how it feels, Eren muses. He supposes he must be a horrible person for thinking such things about Val for so long. Who would even be jealous of Val? Val, who wanted to see Levi happy, just as much as Eren himself? Better even, Val wants Levi to be happy with Eren.

"Listen," Eren blurts out at the thought, turning around to search Levi's eyes.

He's standing a few steps away, mopping the floor and looking up from his work.

"There's no need. I don't…" Eren exhales, realising he's not only rambling, but also making no sense whatsoever. Frustrated at his own ineptitude, he pulls at his hair band to rake his fingers through his loosened strands as he takes a bracing breath and redirects.

"About what Val said earlier," he begins anew. "I don't want you to feel uncomfortable. If you want to, it's okay, and if you don't, it's okay too. I don't care about a document making things official or a stupid celebration or anything. It's not important to me."

Levi looks at him for a very long moment, blinking, before an understanding, unhurried smile tugs at his lips. "Remind me," he says. "Who made big talk about taking things slow not even five days ago? Yet here we are. A chair on its way, and now this."

Refusing to blush at the statement, Eren reflects the lifted eyebrow. He isn't surprised by Levi stirring the topic into another direction. He still hopes he didn't say anything wrong or put Levi under pressure with his sudden confession. Explanation. Outburst. Whatever.

"I'm not asking you," Eren insists, feeling he has to elaborate as his fingers clench around the soft wiping cloth in his hand in determination to do this right. "I'm just telling you because, obviously, we did too little of that in the past. And while we're at it, I don't need any big symbol either. Gold is too pompous anyway," he adds with a frown at the odd concept of rings. "I always thought it was a bit weird considering what else you could do with its worth. I'd rather give the money to the orphanage instead of putting it onto my finger and having no further use for it than walking around with it. Hinders gear handling too, I suppose." He shrugs at the last thought, noticing how silent Levi has become.

He has gone statue still, while his shoulders make an odd movement, like sagging. His eyes are fixed on Eren, and even from the slight distance and in the dimmed light of the café, Eren can see his pupils widen. A faint trace of pink dusts his cheeks too, and if the tightening of Levi's grip around the mop handle is anything to go by, Eren would be pinned against the next wall this very moment if they were somewhere private right now.

Staring back in fascination at the sight, Eren can feel his pulse speeding up in his throat as his body replies with an approving warmth spreading in his stomach. He wants to be pinned, wants to have Levi's hands all over himself, and kiss that wonderful mouth.

They do not do affectionate gestures in public, he reminds himself, no matter how much he wants to, but fuck, it's hard right now. He doesn't even know what he said or did to have caused Levi's reaction, but he decides to find out. He'd do anything to see this look again some time.

Clearing his throat, Eren tends back to the table. "I wanted the chair to be a surprise," he admits.

Jerking back into movement, Levi smirks; Eren can hear it in his rough voice as Levi steps closer. "You have met the people here, haven't you?"

Eren snorts, turning around to the next table. "I hope this is all right. Two armchairs feels like leaving Hanji out."

"Thank you." Levi is standing close, looking up at Eren with still darkened eyes. His cool, familiar hand grips Eren's hip, as the other moves up to his neck to pull Eren down into a bruising, open-mouthed kiss.

Arms flying around Levi's slim waist, Eren squeaks at the unexpected attack. Needy for more contact, his hands drag over Levi's shirt covered ribs, slide over smooth cotton, and fist the fabric. Levi's fingers run through his hair to curl at the back of his head with a thrilling tug at his strands. Eren is falling, flying, relishing in the sensation of tongues grazing over tongues and in Levi arching up against him. Firm, warm, wet, wonderful.

Levi presses even further, the thrusts of his tongue feeling as if he was fucking Eren open, as if he wanted to devour him. Eren invites him in, whimpering in delight at the unmistakable hardness against his own. He opens his eyes and groans at the sight of Levi's eyes being screwed shut under a concentrated frown. Soft heaviness pools in the pit of Eren's stomach, spurred on by rough heat, by Levi's solid weight pressing closer. Shuddering, melting against him.

More!

Eren grasps for Levi's arse with kneading fingers, feeling his elbow nudge against something hard, something definitely not-Levi. The pressure fades with a sudden scraping sound of wood against wood, followed by a startling clatter that has them break apart.

The mop, Eren realises as he struggles for balance at the momentum. It's only the mop having fallen to the floor.

His whole body feels odd without Levi's weight leaning on it. Light and unfulfilled at the same time. Fuzzy around the edges, yet tightening in a delicious anticipation deep inside. Uncertain whether he wants to grin over the kiss or protest over its loss, Eren holds Levi's gaze. Both their breathing is ragged and Eren wants, wants Levi so much.

" _Later,"_  the parting squeeze of Levi's hand around his hip assures. His skin is flushed, his lips look debauched, his pupils blown wide with heat, shining with a reinless hunger. Unraveled. His hair is an absolute mess, and the visible tightness of his trousers as he arranges himself mirrors Eren's own arousal.

For me, Eren thinks with a thrilling jolt of pride. This sight is just for me.

Satisfied grin winning over protest after all, he nods a silent " _gladly,"_  and marvels with unrestrained fascination as Levi loosens their gaze to pick up the mop. Forcing his eyes away from Levi's backside, Eren turns to resume his task on the table before he can decide otherwise and pull Levi back into his arms.

The prospect of losing himself in Levi's embrace later remains in a strong tingling sensation on Eren's skin as they finish, maybe just a bit quicker than the days before. Yet as he wipes one tabletop after another, the anticipation of something else takes over.

His hands moving on their own, Eren's thoughts trail to his bundle on the counter, up the stairs to Levi's flat, and to the drawer Levi had allotted him this morning. He did so with a decisive scowl that clearly read: " _we will not talk about this, just take it."_

This is truly happening, Eren thinks with an overflowing tenderness as he glances around in the café. This is his home now. Theirs.

The only thing he'll miss, probably, now that all his belongings are here, is shaving with Levi's knife. He used it every morning since Tuesday, and it always made him smile with an odd feeling of contentment. On the other hand, Eren muses as he rearranges the oil lamp on the table in front of him to where it should be, he always could ask Levi to lend it to him again. Eren knows it's silly, and it shouldn't much make a difference with whose knife he's shaving. It did feel good though. Maybe he could even tell Levi to use his in return.

"If you let me ask you," Levi says, making Eren glance up at him, "I'll think about it."

Suspecting at first he's spoken his thoughts out loud again, Eren needs a moment to catch up. Levi looks serious and composed. His eyes are clear and settled on Eren from a good four steps away, telling him this is not about shaving knives. This is about something much bigger.

When the comprehension clicks into place, Eren's heart flutters against his ribs while something in his chest begins to purr and stretch in delight.

He searches Levi's face in the silent question if he is getting this right, but the decisive set of Levi's jaw paired with a milder gaze and the peaceful quietness settling between them is answer enough.

It's not a proposal, but knowing Levi as he does, Eren knows it will be one day. His heart makes a small, excited kick.

He said the truth when he claimed to not mind either way. Alone Levi even considering goes beyond everything Eren will ever need or even wish for, yet this is so much more than mere consideration. This is a promise.

Looking back at Levi's steady gaze with a widening smile, Eren doesn't reply. He doesn't have to.


	28. Chapter 28

**Twenty-Fourth of December – A Pantry Door**

Despite another round of nighttime tea, Eren and Levi get up early on Saturday.

While he waits for the tea water to boil, Eren smiles at the view from Levi's kitchen. The view is familiar, of course. A year of evening rituals has placed the image deep into Eren's mind so he sees everything whenever his eyes close. Still, the morning scenery differs from the one he sees each night.

The town is still dark except for the street lamps, only a few windows brightened by candlelight to give signs of people awakening.

Going by the lit shop and steaming chimney down the cobblestone street, Norman and Evelyn are working to get their morning deliveries baked.

The bright window to the left, a bit further away, tells Eren Hanji is awake, if she even went to bed. It's hard to tell with Hanji.

One of the nuthatches lands on the windowsill to give a cheerful chirp before fluttering away. A sweet good morning given by Levi's bird tenants. It reminds Eren of Levi's drawing of Selma that greets him from the wooden pantry door where he ceremoniously pinned it yesterday night. The gesture earned himself a fond frown from Levi, who fetched his ledger to produce the oak leaf and pin it beside the napkin.

The kettle whistles, and Eren pours the steaming water over the tea leaves as Levi joins him in the kitchen. He's hobbling slightly today, though he tries to hide it. Keeping quiet about it, Eren ponders about to persuade Levi to a foot rub that evening. Maybe it would help.

"Earl Grey?" Levi asks, his voice still a bit slumberous. His hair is a dishevelled mess, one cheek marked by his pillow, and a faint trace of morning shadow darkens his chin. His hand is warm where it rests on Eren's lower back.

"Yes." Eren bends down to kiss him.

There's something about a sleepy Levi which will never cease fascinating him. The fading warmth of dreams, a certain openness in his eyes mingling with scratchy stubbles. Best of all Levi's fingers seem unable to stay away from Eren for too long. They search Eren's waist for contact now, thumbs brushing over his shirt-covered hip bones as they kiss.

When they part, Levi is smiling. "Good." His index finger slips under Eren's collar to examine a hidden love bite from the night before which Eren forbid to heal in his sleep.

He looked at the bruise in the bathroom mirror himself earlier and curiously pressed down on it, enjoying an odd sensation of satisfaction at the zing of mild discomfort.

"Show-off," Levi huffs at his grin. Nonetheless, his eyes gleam with the smirk playing around his lips.

Laughing, Eren turns to get the sieve out of the tea pot. "I usually eat honeyed toast for breakfast on the weekends." He gets two cups out of the cupboard. "Would you like some too?"

"Hm," Levi says, and pads towards the pantry.

They roast the bread, spread it with butter and honey, and enjoy it with the freshly brewed tea while the world on the outside awakens. The community comes alive as the sun sets everything alight. The sky is clear today, and though the iced snow on the frost-glittering trees promises a crisp cold, they are warm inside, all the way down to their tangled feet.

Levi has finished his first triangle of toast and reaches for the second one. "What will you be doing today after setting Selma free?"

"Don't know." Eren shrugs, chewing on his own share of honeyed bread. He hasn't given it much thought. Now that he does, there's nothing much to be done. He's still under weekend break restrictions on work, not that he misses it in the first place. Armin isn't here. Mikasa and Jean are probably doing whatever they do together in their free time. Plus Connie and Sasha don't need Eren's help this week.

As Levi's eyes visibly lighten up with a fresh, crunching bite of his fresh toast, Eren makes a mental note to buy more bread. He also wanted to go to the haberdashery for new bed sheets.

"I should go shopping for us," he thinks out loud. "And do some laundry."

"Hm." Levi nods. "I've got help with the laundry part, though."

"You do?" Eren asks, eyebrows lifting in surprise.

"Yes, Scara," Levi says. "She comes every Monday morning to fetch the basket and returns it on Wednesday around noon."

"Oh. I didn't know."

Levi smiles. "That's why I'm telling you. We should give her a raise."

"True if she's doing my laundry also." Eren grins over his tea cup. "Any other helpers I should know about?"

"No that's all. This place isn't too big."

Taking another sip of his tea, Eren frowns as a sudden thought comes to his mind. "When do you usually clean?" he asks.

"When I can't sleep," Levi says, mouth quirking upwards.

"Oh." Head cast down at his half-emptied plate, Eren blushes. Set aside their nocturnal tea breaks, and they spent their last couple of nights either fucking or sleeping. Or rather both. "Sorry."

Levi snorts with warm eyes and rubs his fingerpads against each other to loosen the last crumbs of his toast. "We'll figure something out. Which half of the newspaper do you want first?"

* * *

Eren isn't surprised to meet an already waiting Hanji at the entrance door when they go downstairs to open the café anymore.

Levi flips the sign on the door to 'open' and lets Hanji in with a gust of frost. He steps behind the counter before slipping into his apron and making the first coffee of the day. "Tea again?" he asks Eren, although they just had some.

"Yes, please." Accepting their new ritual, Eren sits on a bar stool at the counter.

Hanji beams at them as she orders a piece of fruit cake to go along with her coffee and morning bagel. "How was your first week of the new training year, Eren?" she asks, untangling herself from her coat which seems determined to stay on her shoulders.

"Good," he replies. "Thank you."

She takes a seat on a bar stool next to him, rubbing her fogged glasses. "How are they doing?"

"Well so far. Moaning about the drills, though." Eren shoots a conspiratorial grin at Levi and isn't surprised when he's met with a smirk.

Hanji smiles. "Ah, well. They'll get used to it. Any further fright?"

Accepting the proffered cup of tea from Levi, Eren shakes his head. "No."

"That's good." She starts eating her bagel, slowly this time, as her eyes get caught by something on the streets outside. "Oh, speak of the devil."

Eren turns around just as the door bell tinkles to let Anna into the café, Lennard and Hans—a small, freckled boy with curly, black hair and glasses—in tow.

As they enter, the boys shoot Eren a hesitant smile before all three offer a cautious salute and mumbled greeting to him and Hanji.

Their Commander tuts with a wave of her hand. "No formalities here, please. I come to this place in my free time." Hanji raises her bagel to take another bite while Eren grins.

Postures easing, the kids turn to Levi.

"You are Captain Levi?" Anna forthright asks.

He nods. "I am. And you must be Anna. I've heard about you. Glad to meet you."

Anna holds out her hand for him to shake while the boys begin to whisper as they look at Levi with almost doubting eyes. Eren can nearly hear their thoughts. These days Levi looks less like a soldier than ever, and lanky Lennard is already about to tower him.

"Come on, Eren," Hanji says, sliding down from her chair and gathering her things. "Let's make them some space at the counter. Seems our new recruits want to get to know the Survey Corps' finest."

While Levi shoots a glare at Hanji with a soft snort, Eren nods, takes his cup of herbal infusion, and joins her at one of the tables nearby. Taking his seat, he smiles as he thinks of Levi kissing him right next to it only a couple of hours ago. Kissing and promising…

"He'll never lose the 'Captain', huh?" Hanji sounds amused.

Thoughts snapping back to the present, Eren chuckles and eases the pressure on his love bite. "I guess he won't."

Taking a gulp of her coffee, Hanji looks at the counter. By now the three Trainees have settled onto the bar stools as Levi busies himself with pouring them coffee, his eyes focused on Anna.

"She really looks like Petra, doesn't she?" Hanji ponders.

"Yes, she does." The tea cup is warming Eren's hands with a plume of steam rising out of it with pleasant, flowery scents. Rose and something else which gives the infusion a herbal flavour.

They continue their shared breakfast, listening to the chatter of Anna and her friends that's mingling with Levi's calm answers. Eren sips his drink while Hanji finishes her bagel plus added cake before they both stand and leave the Sparrow together—Hanji towards her office, and Eren towards the forest.

By now, the sunlight has brightened the sky to a pale grey through a veil of clouds. The wind is mild, yet still cold. The people Eren passes seem to take their time with their Saturday errands. They stroll through the streets. Some halt in front of shop windows, or to talk to an acquaintance.

Harold, Rita, and Mia are already waiting for Eren at the outskirts of the town. The birdcage is standing between them, and Selma chirps happily inside of it as if she knows they are here because of her. A few of the other Trainees have joined them. Amongst them Derek and Percy, all looking at Eren with expectant expressions as he approaches.

"Good morning," Eren greets them, and they all greet back, eyes gleaming.

"Thank you for joining us today, Sir," Harold says, bouncing on the balls of his feet.

"Good day for flying, isn't it?" Rita adds with a grin. She stands next to Harold, Mia at her other side.

"I guess it is," he grins back.

Harold beams. Removing his gloves, he crouches next to Selma while the others fall silent.

Selma chirps again as the cage opens and flutters shortly as Harold's hands reach out to her to remove her with calm, soothing mumbling. She blinks and looks around in Harold's steady hold, reminding Eren of her tiny, concentrated warmth and her quick heartbeat that Harold must feel under his fingertips.

Harold coos and with a last, careful stroke of his fingers over her head, he places her down onto the ground. "I know there wasn't snow that day, but this is where we found you," he says. "Do you remember this place?"

Selma chirps, and Rita links her arm with Harold's as the bird begins to hop over the icy floor to disappear under a low shrubbery. They hear Selma rustling around for a while, followed by silence.

More rustling.

The group holds their breath.

Then comes a flapping sound, and a moment later a brown figure flies up into the sky, high, higher—far, far away, over the treetops and into new freedom, until it is out of sight.

Eren shoots a glance at Harold and has to grin at his wide, elated smile.

"Goodbye, Selma," Mia says, waving at the bird. "Have a good life."

I will miss these kids when it's time for them to go out into the world, Eren thinks as his heart swells with pride. Until then he'll get to spend two more years with them at least. He looks forward to every single day of it.

"Well done, Harold," he says, earning himself the brunt of three sets of sparkling eyes.

* * *

When Eren returns from his errands, the Sparrow is so filled with people that he shoots Levi a small smile before heading up the stairs.

After stocking up their pantry with fresh bread, butter, and ingredients for their weekend meals, Eren makes up for some lost sleepless time by cleaning the flat. Busy with that, he wouldn't even notice the hours rushing by if the light wasn't getting dimmer and dimmer. Before he knows it, it is late afternoon and time to go downstairs.

Slipping into his shoes, he wonders if it should feel odd going into the café from this door instead of stepping in from outside, but it doesn't one bit.

Of course, he doesn't even need to go after all. He no longer needs an excuse to visit Levi in the evenings. He'll see him anyhow when Levi finishes his work. Still, Eren wants to see him. So he closes the flat door of flat behind him to join Levi in their usual ritual of café closing tea.

"How is Harold?" Levi asks at their table, entrance door closed, café ready for tomorrow, lights dimmed to a minimum of what is necessary.

"Happy," Eren answers. He has helped with tidying up again, grinning at the fact that Levi doesn't even sigh any longer. Two additional hands speed up the closing routine, and it's not like Eren minds. He likes to help Levi. Plus after a day of standing and serving customers, Levi's foot probably hurts far worse than this morning, no matter how little Levi reveals.

"It went well then." Levi's fingertips rest on his cup with the steam rising between his digits.

"It did." Searching for Levi's feet under the table with his own, Eren takes a sip of his tea.

"Hm." Levi smiles, stretching out his feet as well as he leans back. "I'm glad."

Quiet minutes pass before Eren speaks again. "How was your talk with Anna?"

Fondness settles on Levi's features. "They are good kids. You might want to have an eye on Lennard, though," he adds with a flicker of mirth in his eyes. "He's a rebel."

"What makes you say that?" Eren asks. Up until now Lennard hasn't made any problems whatsoever, but it's only been a week, and it would be unwise not to listen to Levi's assessment.

Levi grins at him over his tea cup. "Just a feeling."

Eren rolls his eyes, chuckling as he digs his fork into his piece of cake. It's chocolate again. Soft in texture, spongy, and rich, and with a sticky chocolate coating. Levi's eyes lightened up when he handed Eren the plate and do again now as Eren eats.

"You know," Eren begins, relishing in the luxurious flavours of sugar, cocoa, and bitter almond. "This cake is delicious."

"Mm," hums Levi, and yes, the delight is unmistakable. A slow smirks steals its way onto his face, lingers there, and sends a flutter through Eren's stomach. "I know. I chose it after all."

Eren smiles as an idea forms in his mind. "Have you tried it today?"

He cuts off a small piece to pick it up with his fork. Fixing his eyes on Levi's, he holds it out over the table with a challenging lift of an eyebrow, his elbow resting on the tabletop.

Levi stares at him for a curious moment before his gaze softens. "We're sitting at the window," he says, returning the lifted eyebrow as he tilts his head to the very same.

Neither looking away from Levi's face, nor retrieving the chocolate cake loaded fork, Eren grins. "We are." He shrugs. "Everyone always watches us anyway."

"So they do," Levi agrees.

Eren almost thinks Levi will refuse, but then a sudden shift in the set of Levi's shoulders indicates a decision has been made.

Levi smiles, sets his cup down, and wraps his hand around Eren's wrist, guiding the desert into his mouth as he leans forward. His grip is strong, his fingers cool, even through the sleeve of Eren's shirt. Still not breaking eye contact either, Levi closes his lips around the proffered fork, leans back, and brushes his thumb over Eren's skipping pulse before releasing the wrist. A faint blush rises on his cheeks as he chews, almost too subtle to catch in the low light, yet it is there. A hint of pink on pale skin. Eren's heart jumps at its sight, beginning to speed up as Levi swallows and licks his lips with a hum.

"Not bad," Levi says.

Warmed all the way through by the obvious understatement, Eren chuckles, empty fork still aloft. Wanting to see more of Levi eating cake, he cuts off another piece of sugary goodness to offer it again with a lifted eyebrow.

"Don't push it," Levi growls, though the silvery sparkles in grey irises betray his words.

"Open wide, Captain," Eren retorts, not intending to give in.

Levi snorts and relents, leaning forward once more. "You are a nuisance."

"True," Eren says, grinning, aiming for a piece of cake for himself now. "You love it."

"Tch. Brat." Twitching lips get hidden behind a cup, and Eren loves him so much, it almost hurts.

He also might just have found himself a new favourite thing to do.

* * *

"So, I was thinking," Eren says as he towels dry their freshly washed dishes.

"Dangerous." Levi smirks.

Eren laughs, poking out his tongue. "I was thinking," he begins anew, "that you've got a very nice bathtub."

"So I have," Levi agrees, reaching for a dripping plate to wipe dry.

"Would you like to join me in it later?" Eren asks, polishing a cup with his towel.

Grey eyes meet his and crinkle slightly at their edges. "You want to splash around a bit."

The implication makes Eren grin. "I was thinking more about massaging your feet," he admits.

Levi's smile gets warm as his cool fingers brush over Eren's waistline in a silent " _thank you,"_  before letting go again. "We could do that too."

"Good."

"Good."

* * *

If cake feeding was good, bathing together is even better.

Eren stubbornly insisted on helping Levi get undressed, which only added to the whole appeal, and now that they face each other, stark naked and legs tangled easily around the other, Eren begins to enjoy this very much indeed. The lamp casts soft dancing shadows on the walls, underlain by the playful sounds of rippling water and tiny splashing noises as they sink deeper into the relaxing heat.

Lazy steam rises in the dim, warm light, making the air heavy with sweltering dampness.

Though Eren isn't much surprised to find out Levi likes his bathing water piping hot, he is surprised when he finds out Levi is incredibly ticklish. At least if the sudden jerk as Eren reaches for Levi's foot is anything to go by.

Stilling in his movements, Eren lifts an eyebrow in joyful awe. "Was this…are you–"

"No," Levi says. His face is a picture of cool self control, yet there's a flicker in his eyes that tells Eren otherwise.

Eren grins slowly as warm delight spreads through his veins, seeing on Levi's expression that Levi knows exactly what he's about to do. "You do know I've got your foot in my hands and am about to rub it, don't you?" Eren points out. "Fibs won't help you." He digs his thumb into the connection between sole and little toe.

Levi's leg winces again. The jerking movement is accompanied by a soundless wheeze of protest and splashes of water as Levi smirks back. "Why did you ask then."

Shrugging, Eren must admit he has no answer to that.

"But yes," Levi says. "Seems like I'm ticklish." The curious, almost startled, frown on his brow makes Eren ask further.

"Seems like it? You didn't know before?"

"No," Levi answers. Even in the soft, moving glow of the candlelight, his expression is so serious and collected, yet so blatantly pleased at the news, that Eren cocks his head in wonderment.

Isn't being ticklish something about oneself that one simply knows? At least that's what Eren always thought.

He doesn't even know how he found out he isn't ticklish at all, but he remembers his mother sighing over it with a fond smile. Mikasa is ticklish. Armin too. They've known such about each other since they were little. Tickling is one of those things you try out because it's fun and it makes people laugh. Tickling attacks also were some of the minor, most harmless pranks they played on one another during Eren's barrack times.

The conclusion takes a moment to slot into place, and when it does, something inside of Eren twists. Anger flares up, leaves him speechless, his heart aching, his blood turning cold. Furious tears burn in his eyes as he clenches his jaw at the injustice of it all. Looking down at the wonderful foot in his hands, which is marked by years of being tied to the gear, he exhales against the pain.

How lonely must one have been to never find out about something like this?

A moment later, the foot is pulled out of his now empty grip as Levi leans forward. Water splashes around them in sharp, echoing ripples. Eren swallows down his rage. Unfair. Levi's past is so unfair!

"It's okay," Levi says, reaching for Eren's hand and ruffling up his hair.

Eren shakes his head, because no. This is so not okay.

"I should have been there for you earlier," he presses out. "And don't you dare tell me this is fine! You are the best person I know."

Levi doesn't reply. Only looks back at him with a deepening line on his brow, hand squeezing Eren's. A thumb brushes over Eren's cheekbone, catching one single, irate tear. From this close, Eren can see his irises reflect burning blue in Levi's colourless ones.

He sniffs, squeezing his eyes shut to collect himself whereas his free hand takes comforting hold of Levi's muscular arm. When he blinks them open again, Levi is still there, quiet, frowning, so Eren leans in and hugs him tight. He seeks simple contact now. Closeness. Nothing else. Naked, soap-slippery skin on naked, soap-slippery skin. Levi.

As Levi embraces back, Eren listens to Levi's steady breath in the otherwise silent bathroom, lets it assuage him with the sensible proof that they are here now. Together.

It helps.

Freshly determined to make up for the lost time, Eren pulls away, wipes his eyes, and reaches into the scalding water to reclaim Levi's leg without a word.

Remaining silent too, Levi leans back, letting Eren pull his left foot into the right position.

Levi's feet, though reddened from the hot water now, are just as pale and firm as the rest of him. They're as battered too. Calluses, bruises and strap-shaped scars run from the heel all around the back of the foot. Levi would never admit it out loud, but it must have been more than uncomfortable wearing the harness for all these years.

It's already irritating for Eren with his quickly self-restoring body, yet Levi always clamped the straps a little bit tighter than the rest of them. Even after two years, some of the contusion still haven't completely healed, probably never will, Eren supposes.

Lifting the foot to his lips, Eren places a fond peck onto the big toe, and feeling Levi's gentle squeeze on his shin, he starts with small, careful movements. His thumb presses gently into the pad, rubbing upwards, gradually enhancing the pressure until Levi hums his approval, and the grim knot in Eren's stomach unclenches. It unties completely when Levi reaches for Eren's foot in return.

He returns Levi's soft smile with a smirk—no, not ticklish—and hums his thanks too as blissful relaxation settles over him.

His wish to protect and cherish this man is all-consuming and bright. So he sighs and proceeds with exploring Levi's foot.

"Has Hanji never found out?" he asks as the sudden thought slips into his mind.

"No," Levi says. His fingers are so strong, kneading every toe and the ball of Eren's foot with pleasant and firm pressure.

"But don't you scrub her down every once in a while?"

Levi snorts. "I've always had to force-wash her. Not much room for tickling each other when one of you is terrified of hygiene for some reason. And how do you think it happens anyway? Civilised like this?" He hoists Eren's foot.

Eren grins. "I don't know."

A chuckle escapes Levi's chest, sending cheerful waves through the water which lap against Eren's collarbones. "No tickling," he assures again. "I don't even undress when I'm cleaning her up. Erwin gave me the chore after she got so ill because of not bathing. Found out she's terrified of it the hard way. Moblit was the only other person who could get her cleaned up, but she preferred me for some reason. All I know is that she trusts me to not let her drown."

The image of Levi soaking wet and dripping in his clothes forms before Eren's vision. He grins as his stomach tightens. "I'd like to see you soaked in your clothes one day."

Levi pinches Eren's little toe. "Why am I not surprised." His eyes twinkle, though, and Eren notices with a promising flicker of anticipation that this wasn't a blatant refusal.

"We should invite her over next Friday," he suggests. At Levi's lifted eyebrow, Eren rolls his eyes. "Not for that!" he clarifies with a snort before offering a small shrug. "It must be lonely at HQ for her now that we're not there. Plus I've sort of taken your time over recently. She used to come bang on my door at off hours and we'd have tea together when she was pulling all nighters. Now that I've moved in over here, she doesn't have me shoving food in front of her at two in the morning."

Levi looks at him for a moment, hands working on Eren's foot while Eren has begun to rub Levi's arch.

The silence stretches, but eventually, Levi nods. "She'd like to spend time with us," he says, the big toe of his free foot brushing over Eren's ribs.

"I think so too."

As Eren moves his massage up Levi's ankle, Achilles tendon, and calf, Levi inhales with a suppressed grimace. Yet he leans into the massage in a silent permission for Eren to continue.

"We're probably the last two real friends she has," Levi says.

His leg is tense under Eren's touch, so he minimises the pressure of his fingers on the cramping muscle, deciding to distract Levi from the pain by diverting his thoughts.

Or rather by continuing the subject they're already discussing. "Why is her fear of water so bad when she's fine riding horses in rain storms?" he asks.

Levi hums. "Rain doesn't bother Hanji, but she goes into blind panic in shower stalls and bathtubs. Never found out why." His eyes are directed at Eren's foot before him, yet his frown is aimed at something far away. "She needs another shower. Can't let her get that sick ever again. She almost died last time."

Skating his hands over Levi's shin, Eren nods in understanding. "I'll help you with her."

"Doubt she'll mind," Levi agrees. "She trusts you."

"And also," Eren adds with a mischievous wriggle of his brows, "You do know that we have to find out what other places you are ticklish in, don't you?"

The last comment does the trick. Levi's sorrow-tinged frown vanishes, making way for a mirthful chuckle that finally drives out the last bit of gloom. All that's left is Levi's smile, lightened by the warm glow of the candles, and some lively little waves, splashing in the silence.

"We'll see about that."

Eren laughs. "It that a threat, Captain?"

"Who knows, brat?" Levi smirks, letting go of Eren's foot to tend to the other. "And thank you."


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my. Where did all this time go since we started this journey from anew? 
> 
> It has been such a pleasure to revisit this story. Before I let you read I want to thank you so much, all of you, for coming back to this with me, for discovering it, for giving this story a chance, for reading, for letting me know your thoughts, and for sharing your enthusiasm on it. You guys are wonderful! Thank you so much.

**Twenty-Fifth of December – A Pot with Stew**

Eren awakes to gentle fingers playing with his hair.

Blinking into the darkness of the room, he finds Levi's warm gaze and smiles. "No knife today?" he asks.

"No," comes the answer.

Closing his eyes again, Eren snuggles closer until he can wrap his arms around Levi, and sighs. 

A soft chuckle shakes against his ear. "For a Titan you're impressively fond of cuddles." Levi’s voice is light, making Eren grin.

"Am I?” he challenges. “I don't hear you complaining, though."

"Hm." Levi's fingers reach for a new strand to play with, and Eren sighs once more as he estimates the time.

His eyes fly open again in surprise. "We slept through?"

Levi’s lips press a kiss against the top of his head. "Seems so."

"That's nice," Eren mumbles, closing his eyes again as he lets his fingers brush over Levi’s ribs in content. 

Levi hums. 

He wants to say more, but Levi's fingers trail further, play with his neck, and Eren forgets all about everything else.

Their movements are lazy in the quietness of the early morning as they undress each other. Levi’s enticing lips are soft yet scratchy with stubbles. They find Eren's mouth with unhurried kisses, tender grazes of his tongue and feathery touches of his fingers. Levi’s hands are warmed from sleep. They explore Eren's shoulders, his back, his arms, his face, his belly, his cock until Eren is moaning and rolls them over.

Levi smiles as he looks up at him, his one hand coursing through Eren's loose hair, the other one on the small of his back and then his shoulder blades as Eren kisses his way down Levi's chest. 

He wanders over Levi’s nipples, ribs, and belly button, through coarse, black hair, until he finds what he is searching for. He brushes his knuckles over Levi's cock and balls before he takes him into his mouth, his tongue wrapping around the tip, and his eyes observing Levi's reactions.

His cheeks are flushed, his eyes hazy, and his mouth is wide open. Eren hums before he begins to suck. Tenderly at first and then harder and quicker, his fingers and tongue exploring, caressing, poking, massaging on his mission to coax out quiet moans and gasps, tasting salt, indulging in the heat in his mouth, and only stopping when he can tell Levi is close.

"What do you want?" Eren asks, his eyes still fixed on darkened grey ones that hold him in place. His hands roaming up and down Levi’s thighs. 

Pulling him up into a kiss, Levi grips him by the hips to flip them back over.

Eren laughs and reaches for the nightstand with the bottle of oil. Meanwhile, Levi buries his face in Eren's neck to continue with his lips where his fingers left off earlier. Eren begins to hurry, fumbles around in the nearly empty drawer, and groans out loud when Levi begins to suck and bite at Eren’s throat, his fingers wrapped around Eren's cock and squeezing, stroking, gliding, chuckling now, letting his teeth graze over Eren's pulse.

Eren gasps. “That…oh, so unfair. Don’t stop!”

Levi hums, chin scratching over Eren’s throat. 

“Damn it, where is it!” 

His fingertips find glass, finally, and then it is gone again as Levi takes it into his own hands, eases him open, presses inside of him with his skilful fingers until Eren is alight with yearning. 

“There, oh fuck yes, right there!” He groans, pants, begs, and then the fingers are gone, and Levi's mouth is finally back on his.

"Turn over," Levi mumbles against Eren's lips, his warm breath fanning over Eren's face.

Eren does. He moans when his cock is pressed against the bed sheets that feel rough against his sensitised skin. It’s perfect. Frustrating. Not nearly enough. He hears Levi busying himself with the bottle, slicking himself up, and moving on the bed to reposition himself before something slippery, hot and promising is nudging against Eren's arse. 

He sighs as Levi pushes inside of him, begins to fuck him with deep, slow strokes. His hands map Eren's back. Greasy and warm. Calloused and kind, making Eren shudder under their touch. 

“Eren,” Levi says.

Trapped against the sheets in delicious friction Eren replies with a delighted groan. His cock is rubbing over the fabric with every snap of Levi’s hips. Again and again. Possessive. Precise. Rough. 

“Please!” Pressing his face into his pillow, Eren digs his fingers into the sheets, and gasps, feels, listens. Skin prickling in delight, he hangs on to Levi's rhythmic breathing and the feeling of Levi pressing deeper and deeper, as all his thoughts and moans are reduced to an endless repetition of “yes, yes, yes, yes!”

When he comes, it is hot and hard, screaming his relief into the pillow as his body begins to jerk. He barely notices the hands on his waist tightening their grip with a final push when Levi finds his own release deep inside of him with a shuddering gasp.

Good, Eren thinks.

They don't move for a few moments as they wait for the afterglow to fade. Eventually, Levi slips out of him with a brush of his fingers over Eren's hips, and Eren rolls over again to kiss him with a lazy smile. He stops in his movement when he sees the look in Levi's eyes, unguarded and so full with fond devotion that it makes Eren gulp.

"Hey," he mumbles, running his fingertips over Levi's eyebrows, not allowing any worry to take over. "I'm here." 

Cooling, sweaty fingers reach out to brush a strand of hair out of Eren's eyes. Eren nuzzles into their touch, kisses Levi's wrist without breaking their eye contact. 

"You are," Levi says.

"Hm. I could make you breakfast to prove it to you," Eren offers with a smile while Levi's thumb traces his cheekbone and the tingling bruises on his neck which Eren still forbids to heal. "Or, you know, tickle your armpits under the shower."

"Yes." Levi smiles back and kisses him. "I'd like that."

If the shower didn’t help to assure Levi on Eren’s presence, today’s gazette certainly does. 

After fetching from the mailbox downstairs, Levi took his seat at the table, opened it with a rustle, and after a moment of stunned stillness, gave a snort. 

“What?” Eren asks, looking at the black lines on brownish grey in front of him. 

Levi emerges from behind the newsprint as he lowers it, eyes sparkling and a smirk playing around his mouth. He doesn’t reply. Instead, he hands the gazette over, and tends to his tea with a gaze that blatantly says  _ “see for yourself.” _

Frowning at the paper in his hands, Eren searches the article that could have caused the sudden amusement. When he does, his whole body freezes, and then warms in utter satisfaction. 

‘It’s official: Hope and Strength finally united!’ reads the biggest article right on page two in fat, capitalised letters. 

Unable to bite back a grin, he peeks at Levi, who shrugs. Strangely fascinated and horrified at the same time, Eren reads on.

‘Multiple accounts confirm the relationship between our most favourite war heroes has finally reached its long-awaited stage. Still, the latest report about this romance is one of the best. We can spread the exclusive news that Survey Corps Instructor Eren Yeager was spotted feeding honoured Captain Levi Ackerman cake in latter’s café ‘ _ Sparrow’ _ on Saturday evening. As our informant E. Mueller assures us, it was a “heartwarming sight that could have made you swoon.” We congratulate the happy couple and wish them all their best, hoping that some of us will be invited to their wedding.’ 

What follows, is a brief, and mostly false, summary of their partnership, concluded with a list of positively disturbing assumptions of who could have made the first step and how. 

In an attempt to feel the room, Eren glances up again, regarding Levi’s silence. “Looks like you’ll have a busy day at the café today?” he offers, refusing to blush and beam like the besotted idiot he is. 

Levi snorts and reaches for a piece of toast. “Seems so.”

Looking back at the offending article, Eren reads on. “This is horrible.”

“It was expected,” Levi corrects him. 

“No, that’s not what I mean.” Eren shakes his head and reads out loud. “I mean this: ‘Reliable sources confirm this pair has been having an eye on each other since the very first day they met. Steely resolve being met with passionate green eyes had no chance. The Captain and his Titan freed the world and now can free each other. May their life in the café which looks like their love be blessed with joy…’” Appalled, Eren tosses the paper aside. “Who writes this crap!”

Levi’s eyes are cast on the window, his fingers twitching around his cup at Eren’s last words before lifting it to his mouth.

“Levi?” Eren prods. Curious now. 

“Hanji will be thrilled,” Levi says, a bit too curt. “She loves good gossip.”

“Levi,” Eren presses on, trying to pinpoint where Levi’s hesitance might come from, and deciding to go with his instinct. “What does that mean, the part with the café?”

Grey eyes settle on him with a defeated sigh. “Have you ever looked into a mirror?”

Irritated, Eren frowns. “Um…yes, of course.”

A small, almost reluctant looking smile tugs on Levi’s lips, reminding Eren of the expression Levi always assumes when someone praises how beautiful the Sparrow is. Eren has never given it much thought before because of course the café would look beautiful. It’s Levi’s after all. Yet now he mentally regards the café, its tables, the floor, its warmth. The pristine china and the strong lines of the wooden furniture. The welcoming colours, the enticing atmosphere, and the copper counter that looks like the sun. 

Thoughts tumbling in his head, Eren stares. While he was on his expedition, Levi was in everything he did from the moment he awoke until he went back to sleep at night. He’s seen the grey of Levi’s eyes everywhere too, in the stars, in the ocean, in the sky, without even knowing he was in love. How much was he in everything Levi did in return?

Flushing after all, he gapes at wary eyes and then swallows.  _ “This is how you see me?” _ he wants to ask. What comes out instead is: “But…the chairs are red!”

Stilling on his seat, Levi blinks and smiles. “Eat your breakfast,” he says, tangling his feet with Eren’s under the table and reaching for a piece of toast. “You’ll need it with the vultures downstairs.”

Chuckling, Eren complies. 

The ‘vultures’ turn out to be a delighted Frey, a bouncy Rita accompanied by her father, her mother, and sister, a quietly smiling Anna, and a leering Hanji alongside three curious looking soldiers. 

Levi huffs a short snort and takes his time to slip into his apron, while Eren opens the door. After that, he joins Levi behind the counter, earning himself a lifted eyebrow alongside a defeated sigh, but nothing else. 

Grinning with resolution, Eren reaches for the can with the coffee. They’re in this together, so they’ll deal with this together too. Just like they always have. 

Around the early afternoon, the flood of well-wishers begins to abate, and Eren excuses himself from his new position behind Levi’s counter to prepare dinner. 

He's talked to Sasha about this, told her as much as he can remember, and listened to her thorough instructions over a fresh plate of cookies during one of their lunch breaks.

He's got a whole afternoon for this, but according to Sasha, it would be better with a few extra hours to rest before serving, and he gladly heeds her advice.

The ingredients he needs—rabbit, potatoes, root vegetables, and herbs—are already here. All he has to do is gather everything and wash it before adding it to the pot. As he begins with his work, images fill his head. 

Gunther sitting in the corner, face lit by a candle and eyebrows drawn together in concentration over a small, knitted sock for his baby nephew. Auruo playing cards with Petra, bickering, but smiling at each other. Levi sitting next to them, drinking tea and brooding over some paperwork. Gherkins perhaps, Eren muses with a grin. Eld peeling potatoes and cutting root vegetables for his stew that everyone loved.

The images are mingling with more recent memories as well. Armin beaming with excitement before his leave to undiscovered new lands. Mikasa's smile that seems to come a bit easier these days. Connie and Sasha in their quarters, planning the next training lessons. Harold and his friends, watching Selma fly into her new freedom. Rita, pestering Eren with questions. Hanji beaming at Levi over her morning bagel. Levi in his café. Levi in the leather chair. Levi sleeping in his arms.

By the time Eren adds the final spices, it smells nearly exactly like he remembers from his first days as a real soldier. The pot is even nearly as big too. Levi and he will probably be able to feed on it for more than one evening. Good.

He pours a generous amount into a smaller pot which he brought from his office, inhales the rising steam with a smile, and closes both pots before bringing one of them into the Sparrow. He can hear Sasha’s bright laugh from down the stairs, and after all her cooking help, she and Connie should have some of this as well.

Of all the places Eren has come to visit over the years, this café is one of his favourites.

He sits on his usual chair in front of his usual, small, wooden table, the window to his left, the simple, plain letters on it standing out in contrast to the light of the street lamps outside.

**woɿɿɒqƧ** **  
** **ɘɿoM & ɒɘT**

It's nearly closing time. Yet the small café is still busy with the life of a Sunday evening in winter. People seeking shelter from the cold are eager to warm themselves up with a cup of coffee or tea in the toasty comfort of the wooden interior. Some come alone, others with friends, partners, family, before they hurry back into the snow with the tinkle of the doorbell.

Grassy scents bloom out of the cup before him. Steam wafts into the air, and dissipate in front of his eyes. Levi's choice for today is a green tea of intense colour. Summer in a cup in the middle of winter. And it is wonderfully relaxing. Promising.

The sound of approaching footsteps interrupts his reverie. A plate with a piece of fruit cake with a creamy, buttery icing put in front of him, and Eren grins up as he accepts it. "Thank you."

"Hm." Levi's expression is neutral but there's a trace of a smile in his eyes and then he is gone again to clean a table.

As he takes his first bite of sweet and juicy cake with a pleased hum, Eren hears the familiar snap of the door being locked. Then the sound of wood against glass as the sign in its window is flipped over from  _ 'open'  _ to _ 'closed' _ . 

Leaving behind his cake for now, he stands to help. His own movements add to the quiet swooshing of tables being wiped and the creaking of chairs getting rearranged. The rattling of dishes being cleaned. The till opens with a ring as Levi counts the day's takings, while Eren refills the kettle for Levi’s closing tea. 

By the time Levi goes into the back to slip out of his apron and wash his hands, his cup already waits for him at their table. He sits down with a “thank you,” and Eren grins at Levi’s expression when he is faced with another proffered forkful of cake. 

“I’ll bring my own cutlery tomorrow,” Levi says, taking the bite nonetheless.

“We’ll see,” Eren teases, expecting the small kick against his shin, and not minding one bit when it comes.

"You didn't cook stew by any chance, did you?" Levi asks when the cake is gone. His eyebrow is lifted, his smile open and unguarded.

Eren grins. "I did."

A foot nudges against Eren's legs under the table, so he untangles them to intertwine them with Levi's. "Sasha?" is all Levi asks.

"Sasha," Eren agrees. "She did a good job, I suppose. It smells nearly the same."

Levi nods. "Hm. It's been wafting down here too. Took me back."

They drink in easy silence.

Picking up a few last cake crumbs with his fingers, Eren lets his gaze wander over the empty café. Over the couple of shelves laden with tea, supplies, and a few sealed cans of coffee beans. Over the drawings that decorate the walls and the frame next to the counter that contains Jean's coal sketch of a sunset over endless water. Eren smiles as he recalls the rushing sound of the waves and the screeching of birds, the sensation of the salty wind and the sand under his naked feet. He still doesn't miss it. Not one bit.

Nonetheless, he wonders where Armin is now. They haven't heard from them since they left, but he guesses they won't for a while until there's news worth passing on.

"I’ll need my own apron," Eren insists as his eyes land on the copper counter. 

"Will it make any difference if I argue with that?” Levi asks with a teasing smile. His hand rests on his tea cup, his elbow on the back of his chair, and his foot nudges against Eren in an unspoken comment, somewhere between  _ “stubborn head,” _ and  _ “thank you for the help earlier.” _

"You know, it won’t," Eren counters, grinning, and nudging back. 

"Fine. I’ll see what I can do," Levi offers. “Only on the weekends, though. The Trainees keep you busy enough during the week.”

Eren nods in agreement. “All right.”

Finishing their tea in mutual silence, they exchange looks and smiles until, after a while, both cups are empty, washed, dried, and put back to their rightful place in the staff department.

Dinner awaits them. Eld's stew. And Levi will choose Gunpowder tea to go with it. They'll play chess in their respective favourite chairs in front of the fireplace, hold on to each other at night, and tomorrow their modest routine will start from anew.

Eren wouldn't have it any other way.

This spot on earth is his home. Theirs. Whatever surprises will await him at training next week, whatever the next year holds in place for them, this is his most favourite place.

As long as they can return to it, things will be all right.

Eren can feel it.

**Author's Note:**

> To be continued…
> 
> Feedback in form of comments and Kudos is highly appreciated and loved. Thank you so much for taking a minute of your time and letting me know your thoughts. <3


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